How do I as a leader live a life that is less stressful and more meaningful when I feel lost and overwhelmed by all that is happening and all that needs to get done each day? - part #2

We met over an early breakfast before a busy day of meetings. He sat down, took a sip of his coffee and said to me, “I am dealing with the two empty bucket syndrome.”

I sighed because I know this place. It is when two people in a relationship come home at the end of the day and they are both drained. Furthermore, each person wants the other person to fill them up with good energy. But the reality is that two empty buckets can not do this. Each has nothing to give.

So, on that cold winter morning, we discussed this situation which is happening to more and more people in management and leadership positions, especially given all that has happened this spring. Running on empty is becoming the new normal.

First, we talked about the importance of having allies and confidants. Allies are the people outside the family that can help and support a person going through a rough patch. Confidants, on the other hand, are people outside the family who can listen and share without trying to fix you, the relationship or the family. They can just be present to you and the situation before you. Sometimes, they are the same people, but I encourage people to expand their pool of allies and their pool of confidants so there is always the option for different people to be supportive.

Second, we talked about the importance of good health and exercise. In particular, we talked about proactively maintaining one’s health. We also discussed how working out can help get rid of the emptiness feeling. He reported to me that morning: “I like walking the dog right now. It helps me unwind from the day.”

Next, we discussed the importance of making time for transitions when arriving home from work. When we walk in the door, it is important to not start the evening unloading all our frustrations and struggles on other people around us. Instead, we need to change our expectations around communication. Once we have taken off our coats and jackets, put down the piles of stuff in our arms, then we can decide if the other person is open to listening. Some evenings we can to ask the question, “Can you listen to me for 15 minutes?” If your partner says “no”, do not take it personally. Some days, they just can not be present given the challenges on their plate. Instead, now is the time to turn to your allies and confidants for support and perspective.

Finally, we talked about the importance of systematic connections. Routinely now I will ask those who visit with me if they are still going out for “date nights” with their partners. Most are surprised. I remind them that for 30+ years I have traveled, taught and consulted. Our scheduled date nights are foundational to our success as a couple. Sometimes we meet with friends for a potluck. Other times, we go to a favorite restaurant and just share. Recently, someone talked to me about their regular “fajitas and margaritas” dinners with friends as a way to make it through the tough times. I was all smiles as I like both of those things. Even though COVID-19 has changed many things and will require us to be very creative with date night, it is still an important point of connection during these challenging times, 

This week, reflect on the above options and watch out for the two empty bucket syndrome. It is a real and growing problem.

Geery Howe, M.A. Consultant, Executive Coach, Trainer in Leadership, Strategic Planning and Organizational Change Morning Star Associates 319 - 643 - 2257

Great leaders have allies and confidants.

With the large number of Baby Boomers retiring, there is a growing need within large and small organizations to do a better job of developing their new leaders. Clearly, one element to this process is in-depth training. When new leaders all have a common language and a set of tools for how to lead people and manage change, the entire organization will have the capacity to better rise to the challenges before it.

However, there is another element to helping new leaders become better leaders. It is the understanding that great leaders have allies and confidants. Allies are the people who a leader counts on to make sure they can successfully execute the company’s strategies. These are the key people who will work closely with them and assist them in making sure things are done right. Allies have a strategic mindset and the capacity to execute operationally.

Confidants, on the other hand, are the people who leaders visit with to explore new ideas, examine new perspectives, and with whom they can share their worries, challenges and points of frustration. Within this relationship is the potential to gain fresh insights and perspective in order to become better over time. The best confidants ask important questions and assist the leader in thinking through what it is they are trying to achieve.

Our challenge as leaders, especially those of you who are leaders of leaders, is to make sure all new and current leaders are building a larger network of allies and are working closely with a coach or confidant who can help them gain fresh insights and maintain perspective in the midst of their current and emerging challenges. It is the combination of having allies and confidants that differentiates good leaders from great leaders.

Geery Howe, M.A. Consultant, Executive Coach, Trainer in Leadership, Strategic Planning and Organizational Change Morning Star Associates 319 - 643 - 2257

The Burden Of Confidentiality

During the 90’s, I was invited to teach at the University of Iowa’s Annual Summer School For Helping Professionals. This school was designed to help social workers, psychiatrists, nurses, psychologists, counselors and a variety of other helping professions to get all of their continuing education credits in one five day period, plus get university credits along the way.

My class was focused on how to teach stress management skills to patients and clients in clinical settings. Over the course of the week, we were going to learn a wide variety of stress management techniques and different ways to teach them. 

When I first got approached to do this, I was told that my class size would be 20-30 students max. Most professors had 15-20 people in their class for the five days.

So on a Monday morning in August, I went to the student union at the University of Iowa for the new teacher orientation and to fill out the appropriate paperwork to get paid for what I was going to do over the course of the week. After a rousing speech about the importance of continued education by one of the deans and a very nice lunch, each professor was handed a single sheet of paper with the names of their students and told which room they were going to teach.

When they came around to me, I was handed a stack of papers. I remember holding the stack of paper and inquiring to the woman who handed them to me, “How many students do I have?”

She replied, “Currently, you have 60 people and more are signing up right now. I think you will end up with 75 students. And, by the way, you will be meeting your class in the second floor ballroom. There are no classrooms in the Union to handle this size of a class. Good luck!”

Now, there is a huge difference between teaching 20-30 people something and teaching 75 people something. I had planned on the smaller number and now had 30 minutes to recreate my lesson plans for the larger number. When I walked into the second floor ballroom, the place was packed to the gills with people. They kept coming and the organizers kept bringing in more chairs and tables. 

Over the course of the week, I had to practice all the techniques I was teaching so I was not too stretched. I also had a fabulous time working with such engaged people who understood the importance of helping people in a holistic manner.

On the last day as people came up to thank me for a good week, one of the oldest participants hung back until she was the last one to say good-bye. Then, she came up to me, shook my hand, and said, “Not bad. You worked hard up there and you have figured out a couple of things that were interesting too. Still, you did forget one thing. Never go to a counselor who doesn’t have a counselor. The burden of confidentiality is real, and we all have stuff we need to work on along the way. Otherwise, good work this week young man.”

I smiled and she continued with a wink, “Next year when you do this, you will have even more students.” The following year when I repeated the class I had nearly had 100 students!

This week, remember that one of the challenges of coaching and mentoring is the burden of confidentiality. Therefore, make sure you have ample allies and confidants to help you do this level of work.

Geery Howe, M.A. Consultant, Executive Coach, Trainer in Leadership, Strategic Planning and Organizational Change Morning Star Associates 319 - 643 - 2257

Real Support Can Be Transformational

I can remember the day just like it was yesterday. My wife, a very dear and trusted friend and myself were sitting around the kitchen table after dinner. The kids were in bed and we were sipping tea.

The discussion for the evening was me. I was struggling big time. The difficulties of my past childhood experiences in combination with the challenges of being a parent and starting a business were overwhelming me. All of my coping strategies were not working very well. I just did not know what to do.

So, one evening a dear older friend came over and sat down with us. I poured out all that was bottled up inside me. Feelings, fears, facts and more feelings came out. I told her what I was doing and what I was feeling. I told her how I was coping. And I took the risk to tell her how I was not really coping well with the pace, the pressure and the expectations.

Finally, I turned to our friend and said, “I don’t know where to go from here. What do you think I should do with all of this?”

She paused and replied, “You need to visit with someone on a regular basis who you trust and who you know gets it on more than one level. There is a time and a place in each person’s life where an ally and a confidante can be very helpful.”

Given she was an experienced counselor, she gave me the name and the phone number of someone who she thought would be a good match for me. I called them and began a powerful journey of better understanding myself and my life journey. The person who I am today reflects the work we have done together over the years.

I share this here to remind all people in leadership positions that having allies and confidantes in your life is essential to being able to survive the pressures of your position. There are times when we will realize truth of the old Zen phrase, “the fish will never discover the ocean”. We need people in our lives at work and at home who can help us discover the bigger picture and who can help us to navigate the changes once we do.

This week never forget that real support in combination with loving and truthful advice can be a transformative experience. Having a network of allies and confidantes is foundational to being a successful leader.

Geery Howe, M.A. Consultant, Executive Coach, Trainer in Leadership, Strategic Planning and Organizational Change Morning Star Associates 319 - 643 - 2257

The Power Of The Chair

When visiting with senior executives, we often talk about the “power of the chair.” Many recognize, using a line from the Spider Man movie, that “with great power comes great responsibility.” They know they need to use this power in a very thoughtful manner.

However, recently the discussion about the power of the chair has turned to the burden of confidentiality that comes with being a senior leader. Routinely, senior  leaders know more about what is going on than they can say. Furthermore, they often can not visit about it with any one at work. As these issues surface, e.g. the potential impact of a reorganization, leaders often sit in a room and know who is being coached out, who is being coached up, and who will loose their job due to the reorganization. They recognize that as a leader these choices need to be made. They also know they are not easy.

Recently, many executives have come to realize that having the power of the chair means that they can not choose popularity over accountability or harmony over productive conflict. These two key concepts from Patrick Lencioni’s book,  The Five Temptations of a CEO: A Leadership Fable are critical to their success. They realize that the solution to the burden of confidentially and the wise use of power is to build a very healthy senior team, to find allies and confidents who can listen in a respectful manner, and to always think about the impact of their actions as leaders before moving forward.

At the same time, if we seek personal excellence in our work as leaders, we must continue to rekindle our passion for the work we do. Twice in my life, I have hit the proverbial wall and asked the question, “Is this it?” Once right after leaving my first job as a teacher, I returned to the trades. Over a lunch discussion with co-workers who told stories about the crazy things they did when they were drunk, I asked myself, “Is this it?” 

Once in my 40’s when my business was in a boom period and I was flying and teaching all over the place, I realized that I was never home. I also discovered that when I was home I was mentally still at work. Then, I realized that when I die, all my clients will come to my funeral. They will say nice things about my work, but I wondered what my wife and children would actually say. At times like that, I paused and asked myself, “Is this it?”

Then, in my 50’s this question changed as I changed. Rather than asking “is this it?”, I came to the realization that “this could be it.” I could keep doing this between now and when I retire. It would not be too bad. It was manageable and good enough, just more of the same. 

But with this realization, I kept thinking of Jim Collin’s book, Good to Great where he states, “Good is the enemy of great.” The pathway to leading from the place of personal excellence requires all of us to not accept “just good enough.” We have to reclaim our desire for greatness, passion and wanting to make a difference. We have to not settle into ruts of mediocrity and just roll with the issues. We need to realize that we are the program and the programmer. If we need to upgrade the program, we also need to upgrade the programmer.

One pathway to this level of work is to develop or expand our “circles of trust,”  a Parker Palmer term. With the burden of confidentiality, we need to surround ourselves with others who recognize that leading solo can yield anxiety and fear. We need people in our lives who know how to support without judgement. We also need to build more personal and professional relationships with people who comprehend that discernment happens best through dialogue and reflection. 

Next, we need to proactively build this level of trusting and supportive community so that the front of the house, our work, and the back of the house, our personal lives, are the same house. And if we have this already in place, then we need to proactively maintain it. Too many leaders are now watching their circles of trust decline through neglect.

Remember: people, boards and organizations all want great leadership. We, as those leaders, must lead with good hearts and a clear mind if it is going to happen.

Geery Howe, M.A. Consultant, Executive Coach, Trainer in Leadership, Strategic Planning and Organizational Change Morning Star Associates 319 - 643 - 2257

Dealing With Constant Interruptions - part #1

During recent executive coaching sessions, I have been asked the following question: How do leaders keep operating successfully when their time is constantly being interrupted by everyone else?

In the past, I have referenced the work of the late Stephen Covey on time management who noted that we need to define our roles and then manage our time. As often commented, “Always put the big rocks in first.”

Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz, authors of The Power of Full Engagement tell us to “manage your energy, not your time.” And to make sure you have time to work and time to recover from work.

And I forget the name of the author who told us to never do e-mail first thing in the morning. I would add from experience to also never do it late at night before you go to bed. It will ramp some of us up, or end up distracting us from what is most important, namely the need for sleep.

While all of the above helps to a degree, I think we need to look at the bigger picture. Here are my latest observations about leaders who do well even though they are routinely interrupted:

First, these leaders have a sense of place. They feel like they belong with the company, and can put down roots. This changes the kind of connections they have with people. In short, this sense of place gives them a feeling that they are making a difference. 

Second, this sense of place is directly connected to their sense of community. Those who have a sense of place describe their work place as a “community” where all involved come to unity around a common focus and perspective rather than just a job. 

Third, no matter what their age, these leaders routinely spend time listening to young people talk about the leaders who are making a difference in their lives and their work. This listening helps them keep things in perspective.

With the above as a framework, leaders who handle interruptions well do something most unique. They don’t just focus on being better leaders. Instead, they focus on being better people. As the late Warren Bennis wrote: “Becoming a leader is synonymous with becoming yourself. It’s precisely that simple, and it’s also that difficult.” The first step is to make sure you have allies and confidants in your life. Allies are those who work with you and support you. Confidants are those who can listen and provide perspective, insights and fresh thinking. They are rarely the same people.

The second step is to ponder the following quote by Dzigar Kongtrul, namely “Don’t believe everything you think.” As a leader, recognize that not everyone thinks like you. This is a big step in your development as a leader. And furthermore, recognize that you may not be thinking clearly about everything, too. The hardest part about dealing with leadership and time issues is that many leaders forget what they do not know.

This week, check to make sure you have the right number of allies and confidants in your life. Then, visit with them on a routine basis to make sure your thinking is not becoming misaligned with your desired results.

Geery Howe, M.A. Consultant, Executive Coach, Trainer in Leadership, Strategic Planning and Organizational Change Morning Star Associates 319 - 643 - 2257

Finding Confidence In Chaos

Being overwhelmed by all that needs to get done is not a fun place to be. Furthermore when everything and everyone wants your time and attention, you begin to wonder if you will ever get anything actually done. Interruptions start to feel like the foundation of all you do.  

When this happens to people in leadership positions, their confidence in themselves and their ability to make change happen successfully plummets. They burn out quickly and struggle professionally and personally. 

Yet, some leaders in situations of this nature seem to pull themselves up by their boot straps and move forward again. They regain their confidence and work themselves out of their struggles.

How do they do this?

I think the best answer can be found in the following book: Collins, Jim. Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap. . . and Others Don't. HarperBusiness, 2001.  Here, the author introduces the concept called “Level 5 Leadership.” As he writes, “Level 5" refers to a five-level hierarchy of executive capabilities, with Level 5 at the top. Level 5 leaders embody a paradoxical mix of personal humility and professional will. They are ambitious, to be sure, but ambitious first and foremost for the company, not themselves.” 

As he continues about this in-depth research study on organizational transformation, “Level 5 leaders look out the window to attribute success to factors other than themselves. When things go poorly, however, they look in the mirror and blame themselves, taking full responsibility. The comparison CEOs often did just the opposite - they looked in the mirror to take credit for success, but out the window to assign blame for disappointing results.”

The key for me, when reading the above, is to cultivate people who help me look out the window to better understand what caused success. And to have people in my life who can help me when I look in the mirror to better understand what needs to change about me. Whether these are colleagues, allies or confidants, the key is to have a strong circle of people, a kitchen table cabinet, who will support, educate and assist me in becoming a better leader. Having these individuals in my circle helps me to build and maintain my confidence during challenging times.

This week, review your core circle of support and make sure you have people who can assist you whether you are looking out the window or into the mirror.

Geery Howe, M.A. Consultant, Executive Coach, Trainer in Leadership, Strategic Planning and Organizational Change Morning Star Associates 319 - 643 - 2257

Finding & Creating Personal Clarity - part #2

So here is my question for you today: What makes you happy? Whole? Healthy? Not satisfied. Not less busy. But truly happy, if not filled with joy.

There is an assumption by many that we have to find happiness. I, on the other hand, believe that we already have it. After years and years of visiting with many different people, I have come to the conclusion that most, if not all of us, have personal clarity, which is the foundation for happiness, about many different issues. This clarity is greater than being busy. The key is to focus on and not to loose touch with this level of inner clarity.

Sure, there will be challenges. There will be difficulties. There will be complexity. There also can be great moments of depth, great moments of selflessness, even great moments of joy, love and health.

Currently, too many of us are living a fragmented life at a furious pace. Though we do not want to admit it, many of us each day are rapidly moving from meeting to meeting, cognitively moving from problem to problem, continually coping with greater degrees of ambiguity and unlimited variables, and constantly giving habitual answers with little thought or consideration.

The first step in this journey to personal clarity is to live an active and healthy lifestyle, and to have a healthy contemplative life. As the Buddha pointed out, “All that we are is the result of what we have thought.” Now is the time to sit back and reflect. Now is the time to rethink how we are living and working.

At the Fall 2012 From Vision to Action Executive Roundtable, I reviewed the following key ideas to living a healthy active life that I have learned from others in leadership positions and my own journey:

- know your personal core values, and only work for organizations that align with your personal values.

- your sacrifices should reflect your priorities; therefore know your priorities.

- allocate your resources, i.e. personal time, money, energy and talent, to the things and people that in your life connect you to a greater sense of purpose and meaning.

- proactively seek out mentors who can help you maintain perspective.

With the above in mind, it is time for each of us to choose a life of collaboration over control. All of us are just one person, and every moment we can choose to do something or not choose to do something from a place of control or collaboration. If we begin from the premise that our thoughts and our actions mean something, and that we can impact others around us in a significant way, then we can change the world around us. The first step is to choose to do something from a place of collaboration and kindness instead of control. When we do this, we cast our vote about what is most important by our actions and our thoughts. A vote for collaboration generates possibilities rather than contradictions.

Yet, some will not feel like they can do this. Their work place does not feel safe or trusting. Here are two lessons I have learned about this challenge. First, don’t take things personally. As Ron Heifitz explained in the article “The Leader of the Future” by William C. Taylor, Fast Company magazine - June 1999: “Remember: It's not you they're after. It may look like a personal attack, it may sound like a personal attack -- but it's the issues that you represent that they're after. Distinguishing role from self helps you maintain a diagnostic mind-set during trying times.”

Next, as he continues in the same article, “There's a second point: Because we get so swept up in our professional roles, it's hard to distinguish role from self on our own. That's why we need partners who can help us stay analytical. And we need two different kinds of partners. We need allies inside the organization -- people who share our agenda. And we need confidants inside or outside the organization -- people who can keep us from getting lost in our role.” To find and create personal clarity, we must build relationships with people who can become our allies and confidants . Remember: Allies are people inside the organization who share our agenda and confidants are people who keep us from getting stuck in our role.

This week, remember to build a healthy inner and outer life. The best place to start is to answer this simple question: What is the one thing you are not doing now that if you did on a regular basis would change your life for the better? Once you figure this out, you will be on the right pathway to discovering or rediscovering personal clarity.

Geery Howe, M.A. Consultant, Executive Coach, Trainer in Leadership, Strategic Planning and Organizational Change Morning Star Associates 319 - 643 - 2257