How do I as a leader live a life that is less stressful and more meaningful when I feel lost and overwhelmed by all that is happening and all that needs to get done each day? - part #2

We met over an early breakfast before a busy day of meetings. He sat down, took a sip of his coffee and said to me, “I am dealing with the two empty bucket syndrome.”

I sighed because I know this place. It is when two people in a relationship come home at the end of the day and they are both drained. Furthermore, each person wants the other person to fill them up with good energy. But the reality is that two empty buckets can not do this. Each has nothing to give.

So, on that cold winter morning, we discussed this situation which is happening to more and more people in management and leadership positions, especially given all that has happened this spring. Running on empty is becoming the new normal.

First, we talked about the importance of having allies and confidants. Allies are the people outside the family that can help and support a person going through a rough patch. Confidants, on the other hand, are people outside the family who can listen and share without trying to fix you, the relationship or the family. They can just be present to you and the situation before you. Sometimes, they are the same people, but I encourage people to expand their pool of allies and their pool of confidants so there is always the option for different people to be supportive.

Second, we talked about the importance of good health and exercise. In particular, we talked about proactively maintaining one’s health. We also discussed how working out can help get rid of the emptiness feeling. He reported to me that morning: “I like walking the dog right now. It helps me unwind from the day.”

Next, we discussed the importance of making time for transitions when arriving home from work. When we walk in the door, it is important to not start the evening unloading all our frustrations and struggles on other people around us. Instead, we need to change our expectations around communication. Once we have taken off our coats and jackets, put down the piles of stuff in our arms, then we can decide if the other person is open to listening. Some evenings we can to ask the question, “Can you listen to me for 15 minutes?” If your partner says “no”, do not take it personally. Some days, they just can not be present given the challenges on their plate. Instead, now is the time to turn to your allies and confidants for support and perspective.

Finally, we talked about the importance of systematic connections. Routinely now I will ask those who visit with me if they are still going out for “date nights” with their partners. Most are surprised. I remind them that for 30+ years I have traveled, taught and consulted. Our scheduled date nights are foundational to our success as a couple. Sometimes we meet with friends for a potluck. Other times, we go to a favorite restaurant and just share. Recently, someone talked to me about their regular “fajitas and margaritas” dinners with friends as a way to make it through the tough times. I was all smiles as I like both of those things. Even though COVID-19 has changed many things and will require us to be very creative with date night, it is still an important point of connection during these challenging times, 

This week, reflect on the above options and watch out for the two empty bucket syndrome. It is a real and growing problem.

Geery Howe, M.A. Consultant, Executive Coach, Trainer in Leadership, Strategic Planning and Organizational Change Morning Star Associates 319 - 643 - 2257