Uncertainty Is Uncomfortable

She called me on a warm, sunny day, and said: “Geery, I have made a decision. I am going to get some personal counseling about some home issues. Are you okay with that as my executive coach?”

“Completely. I think it is a great idea,” I responded.

“Oh. I thought you would be upset by this choice.”

“No, not at all. We need different people to help us with different problems through out our entire life journey. We don’t ask the roofer to be a piano tuner. And we don’t ask the piano tuner to be a plumber. Nor would we ask the plumber to be an executive coach. So, if you want to access a qualified and experienced counselor or therapist to help you with some personal or family issues, I am 100% behind you. I think it is a great choice.”

“Thanks. Have you ever done something like this in your life?”

“Definitely. One of the best decisions I ever made. And I still see them on a regular basis. Let me tell you why. 

First, back in the 90’s, I taught a week long class on how to teach stress management skills at the University of Iowa’s Annual Summer School For Helping Professionals. On the last day, an older counselor came up to me and told me that I had missed one important point. I was surprised, and asked “What?” She replied, “Never go to a counselor who does not have a counselor. Everyone has issues that they need to deal with.” And when she said this, I knew she was right. I did have some issues, and I did need to spend time working on them. 

Second, many of us think we have it all together and that everyone else is all messed up. But as the popular bumper sticker states: “Don’t Believe Everything You Think”. Yet, most of us do just this. Thus, we miss new insights and perspectives that an experienced professional can help us with over time. I am most grateful for my counselor as she has opened my eyes to all sorts of misinformation that I grew up believing was true. She also helped me to discover better strategies to dealing with the personal problems I have encountered in my life. 

Furthermore, when I think I have it all together and should be done with this level of work, life happens and I realize I have just begun the journey. Then, I am most grateful to have an ally and confidant who can help me. As Chris Germer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and part time lecturer on psychiatry at the Harvard Medical School wrote: “Gratitude is not putting on rose-colored glasses. It’s more like taking off shit-covered glasses.” And often, my counselor helps me understand that I am wearing the shit-covered glasses and thinking it is reality.”

“Those are helpful insights, Geery,” she replied. “So, if I find the right person, what do I do first?”

“Well, I would do three things. First, share deeply. Do not hold back because you are afraid of being judged. Your personal therapist or counselor needs to know that as a leader, you suffer from the burden of confidentiality, and the burden of understanding strategy. You know things about your team and your company that can not be shared and explored in nearly all settings. This knowledge about what choices people are making and what choices the company needs to make is a heavy and challenging burden. It has a price that few understand. 

But as you share these professional burdens and their impact on your home life with your counselor, you also need to share your personal burdens. Don’t make this all about work. Work and home issues can become a tangled web of problems. Explore both of them and paint the full picture about who you are and what you are dealing with at this time period. And recognize that your history is as important as your current reality.

Second, be curious. As Einstein wrote: “The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existence.” Ask lots of questions and realize that the answers will evolve over time. 

In the beginning, we may not have the language to fully describe what is going on inside or around us, but together, you and your counselor will figure it out. Then, you will decide on what is the best course of action to take. Uncertainty is uncomfortable, but we need to be curious and ask questions. As we both know, awareness is the first step toward understanding, and ultimately to new ways of living and working. 

Third, be kind to yourself. Working on our personal issues comes with suffering, and at times, grieving. As Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D. noted, “The expectation that we can be immersed in suffering and loss daily and not be touched by it is unrealistic as expecting to walk through water without getting wet.” Being a leader involves suffering. You have hard choices to make that come with intense short and, at times, long term consequences and pressures. Not everyone is going to like what you do or how you do it. You will feel alone and even lonely. Still, you have to move forward as an individual who leads others and the company. 

Many days, all of this stuff follows us home. Our marriages and our families are impacted by our work choices. And many times, the impact is that we become emotionally burned out. Some choose to not deal with this burnout or just become numb to it and to all those arounds us. 

Recognizing this, Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D. points out something important about this choice. “Protecting ourselves from loss rather than grieving and healing our losses is one of the major causes of burnout…. We burn out not because we don’t care but because we don’t grieve. We burn out because we have allowed our hearts to become so filled with loss that we have no room left to care.” 

Working with an experienced counselor or therapist, we can step by step understand and grieve our losses. Over time, we can restore a sense of wholeness and meaning in our lives. As Remen explains, “… being brave does not mean being unafraid. It often means being afraid and doing it anyway.” Be kind to yourself during this work and be strong . Keep moving forward through it.”

We chatted for a while more about what I shared, and then she scheduled some time with me to talk about some of her work related challenges. After she hung up, I paused, reflected on her choice to do this level of personal work, and was very proud of her. Having the courage to tackle these kinds of issues in the midst of these challenging and uncertain times was an act of bravery and integrity. It reminded me of something Maya Angelou wrote many years ago:“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” And on this warm and sunny day, she had taken that first step and chosen not to be reduce or diminished by her challenges. The path forward will require a lot of work, but it was a good choice and over time, the outcomes from it will be transformative on so many levels. 

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change Morning Star Associates 319 - 643 - 2257

Rise To The Challenges Before You

There is a myth that when you find your path that it will be a blissful, smooth, and easy journey. This is so far from the truth. A path with heart covers many challenging mountain ranges, some lush valleys, and more canyons of chaos than we care to experience. There are times of great insight and perspective, but there also are many hours of hard work, difficult decisions to make, and periods that include grief and overwhelming effort. I have experienced all of this and more. 

This past spring when visiting our oldest son, his wife and our grandson in Flagstaff, Arizona, my wife and I decided to take a day trip to Grand Canyon National Park. Our goal was to experience this natural beauty and to hike a section of the South Kaibab Trail. 

I first visited Grand Canyon National Park in the winter of 1978 as part of a semester long, college program called Southwest Field Studies. This life changing experience involved back packing and hiking through the three major desert areas in the United States, studying biology, geology, ornithology and American history. It was a complete immersion into these unique desert wildernesses within the continental U.S. During the first part of the semester, we spent a week, hiking in the Grand Canyon, experiencing its history up front and personal. 

The next time I visited the Grand Canyon was in 2009. Our oldest son was a part of a backcountry conservation team doing trail restoration in the Grand Canyon as well as other areas of Arizona. We hiked the South Kaibab Trail with him and got to see the hard and challenging rock work involved in restoring this heavily used trail. With him as our trail guide, we felt we were in good and  experienced hands to make this journey 

The section of the South Kaibab Trail we hiked with him was from the trail head down to Cedar Ridge and then back up again. The distance was only 3 miles which in our small town would be equal to walking to the local post office, on to the park, then to the library, and ultimately back home. The elevation change  at the Grand Canyon, on the other hand, was intense. We started at 7200 feet, dropped to 6080 feet at Cedar Ridge and then had to hike all the way back up to where we started. 

Going down is fun and a touch slick in spots due to the steep incline. The views are spectacular. There is even a special spot called Ooh Aah Point where everyone stops to take a picture and admire the vast beauty of this natural wonder. And when, we made it to Cedar Ridge, we celebrated our accomplishments of making it that far. But in hiking, as in life, going downhill is the easy part of the journey. It is the climb back up that is the more difficult challenge. 

Forty four years later and nearly sixty-five years old, I knew this as the two of  us stood at the trail head on that April morning. We had good food, ample water, the right layers of clothes, and a good trail map. But I have learned in life that the map is not the road, and many times the road is not the full journey. 

So, on a cool and breezy Friday before Easter, we started hiking down the South Kaibab Trail. After the steep, initial switch backs, the trail was more gradual but still dropping down toward the lower parts of the canyon. We hiked for a while and then stopped, rested, drank some water, and ate an early lunch by the side of the trail in the shade of a small pine tree. Other people breezed on by us, moving along at a good clip downward. I, on the other hand, knew we needed to have enough energy to make it back up, not just to make it down. 

Slowly, we made it down past Ooh Aah Point and then on to Cedar Ridge. Here, we again stopped, rested, drank more water, and snacked on energy bars. We enjoyed the view and the quiet of the canyon. Then, it was time to start hiking up. 

Step by step, as we hiked upward, I kept thinking about how hard it is to rise up  from our challenges in life. Effort is part of the work, but it takes more than just effort. It takes commitment, discipline, and the understanding that striving upward is not simple or easy. 

There is an old hiking prayer that goes like so: “Lord - if you will lift up my feet, I will continue to put them down in a new spot.” I know this place and this feeling. It is not hopelessness as much as the exhaustion of feeling like you are not making progress. It is the feeling that life is nothing more than a series of switch backs with no forward or upward progress. It is just one hard step after another, and all we see ahead is more steps. 

Still, over time, we do make progress. It does not happen at the speed of software, but it does happen at the speed of human evolution, namely gradual and not limited by time. We learn that we are changed by the journey on more than just the physical level. 

With mutual encouragement plus ample opportunities to rest, my wife and I made it back to the trail head. When we got to the top, we were smiling. I hugged her and looked out across the Grand Canyon, filled with gratitude and humble appreciation for my body, mind, and spirit. 

As we turned to go, a family was gathering at the trail head. The father turned to his young son and daughter, saying “Come my loves, we are going to see amazing things and experience amazing thing.” I just nodded my head and said to myself, “Yes, you are. And your life will be the richer for it.”

Walking a path with heart is challenging. There will be inspirational moments of new perspective, and difficult times of hard work where we have to overcome old patterns of thinking and living. In short, there will be Grand Canyons of chaos and Grand Canyons of glory. Just keep lifting up your feet and putting them back down in a new spot. The journey is worth the effort. 

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change Morning Star Associates 319 - 643 - 2257

Be Open To New Perspectives

Since the first day I read the following quote, I have gone back to it again and again: “Change is not about understanding new things or having new eyes; it’s about seeing old things with new eyes - from different perspectives.” - Dee Hock, Founder & CEO Emeritus, Visa International. This single sentence has been the source of much learning, unlearning, and relearning.

As I have shared in many roundtables, workshops and seminars over the years, awareness is not understanding. And I have learned from walking a path with heart that understanding is always a gateway to new perspectives, especially when it comes to “seeing old things with new eyes - from different perspectives.” 

When we commit to a path with heart, we will, over time, have to reframe things, especially what has happened in the past, what is happening in the present, and what might happen in the future. 

Given the trauma I experienced at a young age, I have been in regular therapy for many decades. It has been a sanctuary and my long term therapist has been one of my sanctuary people. From our decades of exploration and sharing, I have learned that naming something changes that something, and in the process it changes me as well. By naming it and defining what it means, I can see it and I can choose how to engage with it rather than react to it. For when I have a name for what I experienced in the past, or for what I am experiencing in the present, I have the ability to process it and decide how to move forward. This is one of the gifts of sanctuary people and to having a  healthy community of fellow travelers.

Another lesson learned when committing to a pathway with heart is the recognition that my perspectives on issues will continually evolve over time. What I understood about myself and others a decade ago is not what I understand today. What I understand today will not be what I understand five years from now. I have learned and slowly become comfortable with the idea that once I have figured something out, I will more likely have to abandon it for an even better and hopefully more holistic perspective. By being continually open to this level of evolution in my thinking and understanding, I strengthen my ability to stay focused on the path and the people who make this pathway most meaningful and special.

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change Morning Star Associates 319 - 643 - 2257

Seek Sanctuary On A Regular Basis

On a path with heart, there are times when we need to seek sanctuary for introspection and reflection. In its original meaning, a sanctuary was a sacred place such as a shrine or house of worship. It was a place where you felt at peace, centered, and whole. Over time, the term has evolved into any place where one feels safe.

In my life journey, I have found sanctuary in a clearing in the woods, a monastery in Vermont, a stone overhang in the southwest desert when hiking with our oldest son and his wife, and in numerous churches, cathedrals and Quaker meeting houses. Each of these places had a special spirit to them. It was not just the words that were spoken in these places as much as the gathered feeling to the space and the people who came together within it. 

And when that gathered feeling happened within these sanctuaries, we sat in silence. We, individually and collectively, reflected, listened, and regained perspective. This happened because we practiced being still, not doing stillness. It began by taking our foot off the accelerator and giving ourselves permission to rest, reflect, and recover. We unplugged and sought mental stillness. The result was that we had time and space for sacred stillness and sacred connection.

But on a path with heart, I also have learned that there are sanctuary people. These individuals through the depth of their listening and ability to be 100% present to the moment create safe, and ultimately sacred space for sharing and dialogue. And the resulting connection with these individuals is transformative.

The key I have learned over time is that I need to seek out these places and these people on a regular basis. I need to make time for them and I need to commit to being with them. For it is the introspection, reflection and sharing over time that makes these sanctuary places and people so special and meaningful. 

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change Morning Star Associates 319 - 643 - 2257

Dealing With Pandemic Grief - part #2

To transform our grief and loss into a new sense of hope about the future, we need to do three specific things writes Brene’ Brown in in her book, Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience (Random House, 2021).  “We experience hope when: 

1. We have the ability to set realistic goals (I know where I want to go). 

2. We are able to figure out how to achieve this goal, including the ability to stay flexible and develop alternative pathways (I know how to get there, I’m persistent, and I can tolerate disappointment, and try new paths again and again).

3. We have agency - we believe in ourselves (I can do this!).”

The above three specific things can transform our grief into hope. From my vantage point, I believe the goal setting process is a multi-stage process rather than a binary action of setting a goal and executing a goal. The first step to setting a goal is to realize that it is a process of “disciplined optimism,” referencing the writing of the late Colin Powell. And that preparing to set a goal is as important as setting the goal. We need to have the time and the space to think clearly about where we want to go and how to achieve it. Feeling rushed to set a goal never creates an effective goal. 

Second, once we have set a goal, I believe we forget that achieving a goal often takes us outside our comfort zone. In a place where things may feel chaotic or challenging, we will always want to stay within our safety zone in order for growth or change to happen. Many people do not spend enough time thinking about support and feeling safe as they seek to make their goal become reality. And, as a result, they often stumble, fall, or end up feeling vulnerable to such a degree that they abandon their goal or goals. 

Third, recognizing that many people do not prepare for difficulties, they also do not recognize that executing a goal takes time and energy. “Real change requires real effort,” notes Marshall Goldsmith and Kelly Goldsmith in their article called “Helping People Achieve Their Goals” in the Winter 2006 issue of Leader to Leader magazine. And many of the goals we set have to be achieved while we keep up with everything else we are currently doing. If we seek to be successful, then we are going to need to prioritize and possibly stop doing certain things in order to have the time, the space, and the energy to achieve our new goal. 

Fourth, problems will always arise, and alternative pathways to achieving a goal may need to be taken. However, if someone believes in themselves and has an infrastructure that will support them as they move forward, i.e. time and space to safely evaluate their choices and options, then persistence rather than defeat or hopelessness can guide their way. The key is to build this infrastructure of support, and to make time for reflection before we move forward in transforming our grief and struggles into hope and optimism. 

“We need hope like we need air,” writes Brene’ Brown. “To live without hope is to risk suffocating on hopelessness and despair, risk being crushed by the belief that there is no way out of what is holding us back, not way to get to what we desperately need.” On-going pandemic grief and anxiety can overwhelm, and even crush us. It invades our mindset, creating self-blame and negativity. 

However, hope also can be learned, and experienced. As the old parent adage goes, “prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child.” And one step toward hope during this stage of the pandemic journey is to focus on being well prepared. We can build a better infrastructure of support, and find more allies and confidents who can stand up and support us during our times of struggle, vulnerability, and pain. We can set goals and work on them, even if they are micro goals for a single day. And we can treat ourself with love and compassion. 

For on any given day, each of us is doing the best we can with the tools we have. Some days we do well and other days we struggle. Still, let us remember the sage advice of Brene’ Brown in the aforementioned book: “We are the mapmakers and the travelers.” As we prepare for the coming 12 - 18 months of continued challenges and struggles of this time period, let us map out a new and better future. And then find people to travel with us as we take each day step by step. 

© Geery Howe 2023

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change Morning Star Associates 319 - 643 - 2257

Dealing With Pandemic Grief - part #1

In Shakespeare’s play called Hamlet, the main character states: “To be or not to be? That is the question…”. As we enter our third year of living and adapting to COVID-19, I wonder if “to mask or not to mask?” is still the question. 

Every day, we are confronted with large and small choices related to the pandemic. For example, do I choose to still live conservatively given the presence of COVID? Or do I go about my daily living as if the whole thing has passed? There is no one right answer as the parameters and choices in each situation are constantly changing. What we understand today may change based on new information that surfaces tomorrow. 

At the Spring 2022 From Vision to Action Executive Roundtable, I shared that we were experiencing a combination of two things in society and in the work place. The first is pandemic related grief, and the second is pandemic related anxiety. With the former, people are experiencing a wide range of feelings including helplessness, depression, fear, fatalism, and resignation. The impact of COVID just never really goes away. 

At work, the Great Resignation continues. Furthermore, the difficulty of finding and hiring new people also continues. The overall outcome is that many people are focused on their losses, and on their problems more than their short term wins or successes. 

When it comes to pandemic related anxiety, we continue to focus on the escalating feeling of loosing control and things just not being “back to normal” yet. Some folks continue to be engaged in endless worst-case-scenario thinking. Others struggle with continued uncertainty and not knowing what to do about it all. It feels like disjointed incrementalism “on steroids,” i.e. knowing where you want to go but not knowing how to get there. 

Robert Neimeyer, a psychology professor at the University of Memphis and one of the world’s most prolific grief researchers, writes, “A central process in grieving is the attempt to reaffirm or reconstruct a world of meaning that has been challenged by loss.” Right now, many people are wanting to “reconstruct a world of meaning” but are at a complete loss about how to do this, and, in particular, where to begin. 

Brene’ Brown in her book, Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience (Random House, 2021) writes, “In my research, three foundational elements of grief emerged from the data: loss, longing, and feeling lost.” When it comes to the subject of loss, she notes: “While death and separation are tangible losses associated with grief, some of the participants [in her study] describe losses that are more difficult to identify or describe. These include the loss of normality, the loss of what could be, and the loss of what we thought we knew or understand about something or someone.” 

While some of us lost loved ones during the early waves of COVID, and others loss friends and neighbors, all of us loss a sense of “normality.” We have lost what could have been during the past three years, and we struggle to find a new sense of what is normal. We also have lost “what we thought we knew or understood” about people and how they respond and treat each other. In short, we have seen the worse and the best during the pandemic. 

Brene’ Brown also notes the following about grief: “Related to loss is longing. Longing is not conscious wanting; it’s an involuntary yearning for wholeness, for understanding, for meaning, for the opportunity to regain or even simply touch what’ve lost.” I believe there is a strong desire for wholeness, meaning, and connection right now in society and within the work place. People want to do things that matter and they want to experience joy after so much time spent worrying, adapting, and worrying some more. 

Finally, Brene’ Brown explains the concept of feeling lost. As she writes, “Grief requires us to reorient every part of our physical, emotional, and social worlds…. The more difficult it is for us to articulate our experience of loss, longing, and feeling lost to people around us, the more disconnected and alone we feel. Talking about grief is difficult in a world that wants us to “get over it” or a community that is quick to pathologize grief.”

Currently, I think many people want to “get over” the pandemic, and want to be done with the grief related to it. In particular, they are tired of talking about COVID and the impact of COVID, and they are tired of dealing with it. However, just because we want something to go away does not mean that it actually will go away. 

Furthermore, one outcome of this prolonged global pandemic is that many people are feeling alone and lonely. They struggle making connections. They struggle keeping connections. They struggle with the loss of connections. What we have to understand, and Brene’ Brown so aptly states, is that “When a person adapts to a loss, grief is not over.” As David Kessler, one of the world’s foremost experts on grief, explains, “Each person’s grief is as unique as their fingerprint. But what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed. That doesn’t mean needing someone to try to lessen it or reframe it for them. The need is for someone to be fully present to the magnitude of their loss without trying to point out the silver lining.” Once I read Kessler’s insight, I had to sit with it for a long time. I needed to absorb his words and ponder them so I understood it at a head level and a heart level. 

FYI: To be continued on Wednesday. 

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change Morning Star Associates 319 - 643 - 2257

Find Your Source Of Strength

Every Friday morning, from 1981 until his death in October 1992, “Red” Barber would talk with Bob Edwards, the host of National Public Radio’s Morning Edition, about sports and other topics, including the flora around his home. Walter Lanier “Red” Barber was an American sports announcer who called the play-by-play across four decades with the Cincinnati Reds, Brooklyn Dodgers, and New York Yankees.

It was during one of his last interviews with Bob Edwards when he shared that just before he started calling the play-by-play for a game, he would pause, bow his head, and repeat Psalm 19:14: “Let the words of my mouth, and the meditations of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength and my redeemer.” 

On that particular Friday morning, I was driving to a place where I would present a six hour workshop. When I heard Barber share that he did this every time over the course of four decades, I realized the power of his choice. He started his work day with a quiet prayer, recognizing the source of his speaking and the transformational power and strength within it. It just made sense to me on so many levels. So, I did it that morning and have done it ever since.

For me, beginning this work with a quiet, affirmative prayer is an act of centering and grounding. It is the realization that I am the channel, not the source. It is an understanding that I am following, not leading. It is a recognition that this path is the right path because it has heart and it is connected to that which is greater than me. I am humbled by this understanding and grateful for it. 

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change Morning Star Associates 319 - 643 - 2257