Build and Maintain Connections
One part of this regenerative framework is to recognize that healthy relationships are necessary and vital. They give us the capacity to thrive and be resilient in the midst of our challenges. “Connection is why we’re here,” writes Brene’ Brown in her book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead ( Avery, 2012). “We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering.” But as before with recovery, we need to create time and space to build and maintain these connections.
Years ago, I was visiting with a CEO about burnout during an executive coaching session. As he reflected on his life and getting caught up in a continuous life cycle of work and burnout, he shared with me two recent lessons he had learned. The first lesson was that he was lonely even in the midst of a crowded room of employees. One day, it struck him that he no longer had friends outside of work. He realized that as he worked harder to get things done as a CEO, he had not made time for his friends, including on one level his wife and family. He was stunned by this realization, and recognized that this was the culmination of many small choices compounded over time. In essence, his work role was the sole definition of his entire life.
The second lesson he shared with me happened on the day before going on a family vacation. On that day, his two children confronted him and asked if he was bringing the “third child” on the trip. He looked at them and said, “There is no ‘third child’. You are my only two children.” They responded, “That’s not true. Your ‘third child’ is your cell phone. You spend more time focused on it than anything we say. Your cell phone is the center of your life, and now has become the center of our life as a family. If you are bringing the ‘third child’, then we refuse to go on vacation.”
When he shared this experience with me, his eyes filled with tears and he was embarrassed to admit that his children were right. He was always on his cell phone or his iPad, trying to get just one more thing done during family time. Listening, sharing and being present to his children, his wife, and family friends had become a distant memory. His connections with others had become transactional, just one more thing to get done. For him, the work of building and maintaining connections was going to be some heavy lifting. Still, he knew it was the right pathway back to living an integrated and healthy life.
Real Teachers Are Everywhere
“It takes many years to remember that everything of value we have to give was not learned from a book and the wisdom to live well is not conferred with an advanced degree,” writes Rachel Naomi Remen, MD. “But real teachers are everywhere. The life in us will be blessed by others over and over again until finally we have remembered how to bless it ourselves.”
My wife’s grandmother Mary would often share with her the importance of “tuning into the larger life.” When we seek to see beyond the immediate and grasp the full scope of our lives and the larger world around us, we come to understand that we can create meaning and perspective through sharing, blessing, and gratitude. We can bring our best selves, our true self, which is the union and integration of head, heart, and spirit together in one time and one space when we make time to be with others.
This wholistic integration begins by practicing stillness, and, in particular, learning to be still. The journey of self-discovery that comes from this singular act is one every person can engage in throughout their life journey. During this journey of self-discovery, we come to understand that we never truly arrive at one final answer to all our questions and challenges. Instead, it is the journey itself that brings us together and connects us with others. It is a journey that continues to evolve as we evolve.
When we grasp that the journey of self-discovery is itself the answer, and when we choose to give ourselves time for recovery along with routinely building and maintaining connections with others, plus practicing gratitude and self-compassion, we begin to see that there are real teachers everywhere. As Psalm 42:7 reminds us, “Deep calls unto deep”, and being still is a deep and meaningful process to integrated and truthful living.
© Geery Howe 2024
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