Introduction
We have a problem. We have forgotten how to relax. We work all week and then when Friday rolls around, we should be shouting on the roof tops, “TGIF!” (Thank God it’s Friday!). Instead, we roll into the weekend worn to the core. And for most of us, the weekend is no longer a time period for rest or recharge. It is another list of things to get done at home. It can also become another time period to get caught up on office work. Even Sunday morning is no longer the sabbath, a holy day of rest. Instead, it is one of the most popular times for kids’ sports events or practices to happen.
On one level, I think this is all happening, because doing too much and being constantly busy is seen as a sign of success. People validate and reward us for this choice. And we double down on this way of living with the hope that we can get more done. The problem is that this is not working. It is not working at home or at work.
I was visiting with an older friend of mine when I came to better understand the root of the problem. She told me that the problem is happening because we have chosen a life of “twoness.” As she explained, one aspect of our life is always defined and judged through the eyes of others. We are constantly trying to meet external expectations, even if these expectations are unrealistic and unhealthy. The other aspect of our lives, given that we are measuring ourselves based on other people’s unrealistic expectations, is that we judge ourselves, and come to the conclusion that we are inadequate and unworthy unless we work harder and harder to get things done. And from this place of twoness, we feel in conflict, lost, alone, and misunderstood.
With all of this in mind, I recommend we practice stillness. Yet, for many people, this recommendation seems absurd or comical. At first glance, it also does not seem that it would make a difference. Still, when we choose not to rest, rejuvenate, or relax, in part because we feel guilty not working, we create a continuous life cycle of work, burnout, more work, and then more burnout. So, we work harder with the hope that maybe, just once, we can meet the unrealistic expectations imposed by others, and ourselves, and feel like we are enough.
The First Step
We need to learn how to give ourselves permission to be still and to rejuvenate. Burnout, whether it be episodic or chronic, is not a badge of honor. It is an outcome with short and long term ramifications. As Greg McKeown notes in his book, Effortless: Make It Easier to Do What Matters Most (Currency, 2021), we need to remember that “relaxing is a responsibility.”
Given all the dynamic chaos happening in our contemporary world, we can defer, deflect, or decline self-care in order to get more done. But at some point, we need to recognize that our current choices are not sustainable. We need to ask ourselves important questions, and begin to search for what is missing. For in the end, I believe that what we are searching for is wholeness instead of more fragmentation.
Upon reflection, I also believe we have lost the memory and feeling of wholeness. Instead, we have started to accept that a fragmented life is normal, and wholeness is a dream. However, the goal of living an integrated life based on wholeness should not be a dream. It can be a reality. But first, we need to create clarity of intention and make proactive, rather than reactive choices. I believe we are all seeking a life that is undivided, a life of oneness, not twoness
Given our desire for wholeness, we have to find new pathways to this integrated life. We also have to realize that practicing stillness is actually doing something. It is a choice to reclaim our inner unity in a world that only values work as the sole definition of success.
Still Waters Run Deep
The foundation of an integrated life starts with a daily practice of being still. When my wife and I were married, one of our dear friends, shared an insight: “Still waters run deep.” She then talked about the importance of “still waters” in a marriage and in life. She talked about the importance of depth. Over the course of our 40+ year marriage, I have thought of this quote often. It provided a powerful and important perspective for us.
When we advocate for the practice of being still, we discover something most interesting. It is not in the doing of stillness, but in the being of stillness that we uncover wholeness and integration. It also is not in the action and effort to create stillness, but instead in the releasing and centering that precedes stillness that the importance of stillness is revealed. In essence, it is in the choice to release the external pressure, expectations, worries, and the endless stream of problem solving along with the endless exploring of possible scenarios that we rediscover the inner peace and clarity that comes from being still.
John Paul Lederach in his book, the Moral Imagination: The Art and Soul of Building Peace (Oxford University Press, 200225) captured this perspective. As he wrote, “Stillness is not inactivity. It is the presence of disciplined activity without movement.” He continues, “Stillness requires a commitment of patience and watchfulness. It’s guideposts are these: Slow down. Stop. Watch what moves around you. Feel what moves in you.” Thus, being still and living from the place of stillness is an intelligent and elegant choice within our current contemporary society. It is an opportunity to reconnect with purpose, meaning, and significance.
Schedule Recovery Time
One element of practicing stillness is to give ourselves permission to have recovery time in our daily and weekly schedules. When we notice that we are worn, fatigued, and drained, then we need to stop and realize that working harder is not going to solve the problem. Angela Blanchard reminds us that “You can not build on broken.” If a foundation for recovery is not in place, then recovery is not really possible.
Martha Beck in her book, The Way of Integrity: Finding The Path To Your True Self (The Open Field/A Penguin Life Book, 2021), writes “If whatever you’re doing isn’t working, don’t do it harder.” But for many of us, doing it harder is our unconscious default choice. We push through the pain of burnout and the feelings of being inadequate, unworthy, and not enough. We do not accept or recognize that physical exhaustion and emotional exhaustion are signals. Instead, we frame this up as another problem that needs to be solved, not the result of unsustainable effort.
We all need to work, and that work can be challenging, frustrating, and difficult. However, when we schedule daily and weekly recovery time, we are creating a framework that is regenerative rather than perpetually draining. American Franciscan priest and author, Richard Rohr captures it best when he wrote: “In our busy, technology-driven culture, it is especially important that we intentionally seek rest and re-creation. It might be a way of saying that at least one-seventh of life must be about non-performance and non-egocentric pursuits, or we forget life’s purpose.” Regular recovery time for stillness is about bringing our life’s purpose back into the center of our life choices.
To be continued on Tuesday.
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