Introduction
We were talking about organizational change and in particular the creation of new systems to better manage change when he said, “Geery, I am overwhelmed each and every day at work. There is so much happening that it is hard for me to stay on top of everything. I could work all day every day plus throughout the entire weekend, and I still would not be able to catch up. It’s just go, go, go. And the worse of it all is that our family life is suffering because of this. I feel like a house divided rather than a house united.”
The hope of so many people right now is for a life united rather than a life divided. The desire is to have a personal life and a professional life that is not battling with each other. The hope that work, home, and community can be integrated is profound. We want to experience and nurture a life of wholeness rather than defaulting to a compartmentalized form of living. We want to be whole people living whole lives, not broken people living fragmented lives.
Kevin Cashman in his book, The Pause Principle: Step Back to Lead Forward (Berrett-Koehler, 2012), writes “All too often, we allow ourselves to be carried away by our busy-ness. We are too hyperactive, too reactive to even notice the hidden value-creating dynamics waiting just under the surface within us and around us. Tethered to our smartphones, we are too caught up and distracted to take the time necessary to sort through complexity or to locate submerged purpose. In our urgent rush to get “there,” we are going everywhere but being nowhere. Far too busy managing with transitive speed, we rarely step back to lead with transformative significance.”
The poet Mark Nepo expands on this when he wrote, “Too often, under the guise of being asked to be prepared and mature, we are seduced into watching over living, into naming over feeling, into understanding over experiencing.” The result is that we live a life based on a foundation of defending ourselves from life. We live, but only at the level of watching, reacting, and managing. We no longer feel aligned or connected with purpose. We just keep trying to control the details and feel overwhelmed by everything being urgent and important, all at the same time period.
However, if we want to change all of this, we would have to confront some uncomfortable truths about ourself and our current choices. We would have to completely rebuild our definition of self if we no longer want to defend ourselves from life. I think the challenge is that if we want to live more, feel more, and experience more from a holistic and united perspective, then we have to address a big question, namely “how does one live one life rather than two lives, namely a work life and home life?”
The Rise Of A New Understanding
To find the answer to the aforementioned question, we need to ponder the advice of Boris Pasternak: “When a great moment knocks on the door of your life, it is often no louder than the beating of your heart, and it is very easy to miss it.” If we are constantly knocking ourselves down because we can not effectively or efficiently manage a tsunami of priorities and projects, we also are critical of everyone around us. Self-criticism, anger, and deep frustration are not the pathways to listening to the beating of our hearts.
Frederick Buechner grasped this perspective when he wrote, “Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery it is. In the boredom and pain of it, no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it, because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.” I believe in the rush to get things done and under control, and in the midst of the self-judgement and self-criticism, we have lost the memory and the experience of the holy and hidden heart, the experience of life itself as grace.
The rise of this new understanding, namely a life united, begins with the rise of a new awareness. Rarely does the fullness of understanding happen all at once. Mostly, it is a feeling that things are out of balance, or the emergence of a question which calls one to think, ponder and reflect. Then, slowly over time, a new understanding is formed. This understanding is based on the convergence of clarity and perspective. Out of it will come the lightening moment, for lack of a better term, when all of sudden what was hidden becomes clear, what was hidden becomes revealed. And at that moment, the beating of your heart and your spirit are one, and you know the path forward.
However, the first step is to be honest with yourself about what is happening in your life. Rather than self-judgement and self-criticism, we need to embrace self-compassion. We did the best we could under the circumstance before us. Now, we need to be open to a new way of living. And this begins with making some critical choices.
Choose Purpose Over Comparison
The first critical choice is based on the understanding that so much of life these days is focused on image and personality. This is supported by social media platforms and social pressure. We are to look good, if not fabulous, 24 hours a day, 7 days week. We should always be happy and always having fun with a perfect body, perfect family, and an amazing set of friends who are cheerful and delightful. This is the new expectation for everyone.
Yet, some days life is challenging. Some days we are overwhelmed and deeply frustrated. Some days we compare our life to everyone around us and feel like we come up short, if not lacking. We feel worn to the core and significantly burned out by not measuring up.
Therefore, the first choice is to create a life based on purpose more than image. We need to discover, or re-discover a sense of purpose to our life journey. As Fred Rogers reminds us, “You rarely have time for everything you want in this life. So you have to make choices. And hopefully your choices can come from a deep sense of who you are.”
That deep sense of who you are comes from introspection and the understanding that each new day we get to make choices based on what we believe is most important in life. As author Greg McKeown notes, “Whatever has happened to you in life. Whatever hardship. Whatever pain…. They pale in comparison to the power you have to choose what to do now.” And the choice we need to make right now is to create a purpose filled life, not one based on comparison, image, or personality.
This begins by defining our personal mission and core values, and then aligning our life with them. Next, with this clarity of intention, we need to set goals and create a plan. Then, we need to prioritize our time and take action. This first step creates a new foundation for living one life rather than a fragmented life.
Live Now
The second choice is built on the foundation of the first choice. The second choice is to live each day fully present to the miracle of now. “Do not carry the burden of the past; do not live in the future,” writes Chan Chih. “The only important thing is that one lives in the present authentically and fully. Whatever your current life is, be the most you can be by living in the moment.”
I think we struggle with this choice, because we are afraid to live in the now. This happens because many of us are caught in reactive cycles of living. We respond to life’s challenges by hyperarousal or hypoarousal. In the former, we choose fight or flight as the primary response to life. In the later, we choose freeze, faint or flop. Either way our life is based on fear, and being constantly triggered by past events or traumas. Thus, our goal is to avoid all suffering.
However, the late Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh reminds us, “Thinking we should be able to have a life without any suffering is as deluded as thinking we should be able to have a left side without a right side. The same is true of thinking we have a life in which no happiness whatsoever is to be found.” We will struggle and at times, we will suffer. This is a normal part of life.
Christopher Willard, PsyD. in his book, How We Grow Through What We Go Through: Self-Compassion Practices for Post-traumatic Growth (Sounds True, 2022), points out a different way of living. As he explains, “A full life is both/and, not either/or, and too often we assume things are one way or another, when they are in fact multifaceted, multi-determined, and complex. To paraphrase ideas that make the rounds online: You can be grateful and still need more for yourself. You can be resilient and still need rest. You can be fiercely independent and still need and want others. You can be certain and still change your mind. You can be caring and compassionate toward yourself without feeling guilty. You can be kind and generous and still say no and set boundaries, knowing that sometimes saying not itself is an act of generosity. You can have done your best in the past, yet since that time, you might have learned new ways of doing things. Finally, other people may have problems and pain, but yours still matter. You can be courageous and still be scared of doing something - yet you can do it anyway.”
The goal of living fully into the now is based on the understanding that life is “both/and, not either/or.” It is to embrace the perspective that we are gloriously complex people living in ever-changing, complicated and complex circumstances. And in the midst of this all, we are seeking elegant solutions to multiple technical problems and adaptive challenges, all of which are happening at the same time and in the same place. Thus, we need to show ourselves some grace, kindness, and patience as we do the best we can under the circumstances before us. Choosing to live fully into the now based on a life of purpose and clear intention is a powerful and empowering choice.
To be continued on Wednesday.
No comments:
Post a Comment