Finding Sanctuary

Routinely now, I meet with people who are worn to the core by uncertainty and feel anxious about what to do next. They are also worried about the future, and feel very vulnerable about what may happen during the coming 12 - 18 months. As a result, they want answers, but just keep coming up with more questions. 

When I listen to these good people struggle, I am reminded of something that Ron Heifetz and Marty Linsky shared in their book, Leadership On The Line: Staying Alive through the Dangers of Leading (Harvard Business School Press, 2002).  As they point out, “to lead is to live dangerously because when leadership counts, when you lead people through difficult change, you challenge what they hold dear…”. They also note that “people do not resist change, per se. People resist loss.” And for many leaders and followers, it is the losses that they are worried about and that they are experiencing. Dealing with grief and grieving all seem to be a part of the work of leadership at this time period. 

In response to these challenge, Heifetz and Linsky recommend that they we anchor ourselves in the midst of these difficulties by following three practices. First, we need to “distinguish role from self,” and remember that only “you have control over your self-worth.” As part of that work, we also need to “remember, when you lead, people don't love you or hate you. Mostly they don't even know you. They love or hate the position you represent.” This is an important point that we often forget.

Second, they recommend we “keep confidants, and don't confuse them with allies.” Each play an important part in the work of leadership. Each requires us to build a relationship, and to then maintain those relationships. As a wise elder said to me many years, “make friends before you need them.” Same goes with confidants and allies. 

Third, they recommend we “seek sanctuary…. a place of reflection and renewal where you can listen to yourself away from the dance floor and the blare of the music.” For me, this is one of the most powerful choices a leader can make and the one that most people do not make time for in the course of their busy lives. 

In its original definition, sanctuary was a sacred space where people went for refuge, protection, and safety. At it’s core, the idea of sanctuary was a place set apart from the day to day, ordinary world. Sometimes these were natural locations where the divine or sacred was believed to be present. Other times, it was a physical location where hospitality was offered and all were welcome. In essence, it was a place of sacred renewal and a time or place where we discovered or rediscovered “the hidden wholeness” of life, referencing the work of the late Trappist monk and author, Thomas Merton. 

When I reflect on this idea of finding sanctuary, I am reminded of the writings of Wayne Muller in his book, Sabbath: Restoring the Sacred Rhythm of Rest (Bantam Books, 1999). As he points out, “Sabbath time can become our refuge. During the Sabbath, we set aside a sanctuary in time, disconnect from the frenzy of consumption and accomplishment, and consecrate our day as an offering for healing all beings.” He expands on this perspective and writes, “Sabbath is more than the absence of work; it is not just a day off, when we catch up on television or errands. It is the presence of something that arises when we consecrate a period of time to listen to what is most deeply beautiful, nourishing, or true. It is time consecrated with our attention, our mindfulness, honoring those quiet forces of grace or spirit that sustain and heal us.” 

I believe that the convergence of the idea of finding sanctuary and setting aside time for the Sabbath is critical to coping with the current prolonged uncertainty and turbulence that leaders are experiencing at this time period. We need refuge, and we need renewal in order to maintain perspective and to create the capacity for the “quiet forces” of grace and spirit to sustain us and heal us in the midst of these adaptive challenges. 

Furthermore, I am reminded of something the poet Mark Nepo wrote: “If not now, when?” I believe this is the fundamental question that many leaders are not willing to address. Their “now” is filled up with too many meetings, deadlines, e-mail, and project management situations, all of which result in the feeling of being overwhelmed and running on empty. In essence, their “now” is consumed by the expectations of others and the unrealistic performance expectations they place on themselves. 

And the idea of “when” is so far in the future that we never really get to it, or make the time and space for it. We are living the Red Queen Principle all day and every day, i.e. we run faster and faster just to stay in the same place. With the increased pressure to adapt faster and faster in order to survive the day, the idea of finding sanctuary or making time for the Sabbath can seem wildly absurd, or just plain crazy. Most leaders can not connect these two choices with the overwhelming pressure to continually do more work and get more done. 

However, this is the fundamental leadership choice of this time period. Continual evolution and adaptation is the pathway to avoiding extinction, but as with any adaptive challenge, we must recognize that adaptation and evolution begins by calling into question fundamental assumptions and beliefs. Furthermore, it can only be addressed through changes in one’s priorities, beliefs, and habits. To keep pushing harder and faster in order to get more things done does not work when the goal is adaptation and further evolution. This way of working is the clear definition of insanity, namely doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different outcome or result. 

Yet, if we choose to find sanctuary on a regular basis, and give ourselves permission to make time for the Sabbath, then we have the potential to reflect on our current fundamental assumptions about work and leadership. We have the time, the space, and the energy to rethink our priorities, beliefs and habits. In essence, we create the potential to engage in new perspectives and new ways of thinking. 

When we choose “now” over “when,” we create something that is powerful and meaningful on so many levels. As Wayne Muller reminds us, “So let us remember the Sabbath. Let us breathe deeply in the rhythms of life, of the earth, of action and rest. Traditionally, Sabbath is honored by lighting candles, gathering in worship and prayer, blessing children, singing songs, keeping silence, walking, reading scripture, sharing a meal. Just as we must wait until darkness falls before we can see the stars, so does Sabbath quietly wait for us. As darkness falls, as the light of the world fades and disappears, we light the inner lights, the lights of home and refuge. Our steps take us home, and the light draws us in.”

Given the challenges of this time, we as leaders need to go home to the place of refuge where the sacred light can draw us in and rekindle in us healing, hope and clarity. We need time and space for reflection and renewal. We need to see the stars again and not have our lives be solely defined by the falling darkness. So, answer the question: if not now, when? And then light the candles, gather  with others, bless the children, sing the songs, share a meal, and remember the quiet forces of grace and spirit that sustain and heal us all.

© Geery Howe 2024

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change

Uncertainty In The Face Of Drama - Part #2

Talented Employees Need Great Managers

However, we need to go back to the third choice and re-examine the phrase, “If you can’t change your team, change your team.” Understanding that the default choice is to fire and hire, i.e. the later half of the phrase, this happens because most managers and front line supervisors do not have the mindset or the skill set to actually do the first half of the phrase in a successful manner, namely “change the team.” When I have talked with managers and front line supervisors about how they are attempting to change their team or a member of their team, the typical response is “I told them to do it and they haven’t done it right yet,” or “I have to tell them everything and I just don’t have enough time in my schedule to track their job and my job.” So, in this situation, firing and hiring seems like a logical choice. 

For me, I have to take a deep breath when encountering this kind of mindset, because it reflects something that most senior leaders do not want to discuss. As Rodd Wagner and James K. Harter wrote in their book, 12: The Elements of Great Managing which is the sequel to the book, First, Break All The Rules, “Before a person can deliver what he should as a manager, he must first receive what he needs as an employee.” What most senior managers don’t understand is that talented employees need great managers. And if I encounter a manager or front line supervisor, who instantly wants to fire and hire a new person when a problem occurs, I am certain that this individual is not getting the management and coaching that they need in order to be a successful manager or front line supervisor. As Wagner and Harter explain, “The managers who are best at getting the most from people are those who give the most to them.” And I believe many managers and front line supervisors are not getting what they need from those who supervise them. 

Three Critical Actions

Now, if a manager or front line supervisor is receiving adequate and helpful supervision and coaching, they must understand the difference between these three actions, namely supervision, coaching, and a check-in. Supervision is classically defined in the following manner: to observe, direct or oversee in the execution of a task, project or activity Coaching, on the other hand, is a structured dialogue and development process to improve the professional competence to execute. Finally, Marcus Buckingham and Ashley Goodall in their book, Nine Lies About Work: A Freethinking Leader’s Guide to the Real World, (Harvard Business Review Press, 2019), define a check-in as “a frequent, one to one conversation about near-term future work between a team leader and a team member.” This check-in is based on “two simple questions: What are your priorities this week? How can I help?.” 

Nine times out of ten, when I have been called in to work with a situation where a manager or front line supervisor wants to fire and hire, I discover that this individual does not actually do adequate supervision, coaching, or check-ins. They often do “seagull management,” a term coined many years ago by Ken Blanchard, namely an individual flys in when a situation is nearly out of control, offers thoughtless solutions and ample dumping on people in the form of shame or blame, and then flys off, leaving all involved confused, stressed out, and perplexed about how to clean up the entire mess. 

Furthermore, if they are doing some form of supervision, more often than not they are not doing any form of coaching. They just stop what they are doing and tell their direct report how to solve their current problems, assuming that all of this communication is understandable and applicable. And yet, most of the time, these direct reports do not have the skill set, positional power, or the mindset to execute the solutions that the supervisor offers. So, the result is failure in management and supervision, and failure in execution by the direct report. Then, when this happens, the manager’s default choice is to fire and hire someone new. 

When we step back from this default choice in order to step forward from clarity, we need to understand that changing out an individual or a team should be the last choice, not the first choice in the face of uncertainty and drama. Instead, we need to engage in some vital and important work at the manager and direct report level. This begins by doing three things. 

Understand The Daily Struggle

First, managers need to understand that most employees struggle at work on a daily basis. Patrick Lencioni in his book,. The Truth About Employee Engagement: A Fable About Addressing the Three Root Causes of Job Misery, formerly called The Three Signs of a Miserable Job: A Fable for Managers (and their employees) (Jossey-Bass 2007), writes that “People cannot be fulfilled in their work if they are not known; Everyone needs to know that their job matters, to someone; Employees need to be able to gauge their progress and level of contribution for themselves.” When I find a struggling manager or front line supervisor, I often find someone who does not really know their direct reports, someone who can not articulate how their direct reports’ work impacts others and why their work is important, and someone who has not helped their direct reports assess their own progress or success. In short, as Lencioni notes, “people want to be managed as people, not as mere workers.” And the first step is that managers and front line supervisors need to become better managers and front line supervisors before their direct reports can execute better. 

Second, managers and front line supervisors need to understand that most of their direct reports do not know what is expected of them when it comes to work. Marcus Buckingham and Curt Coffman in their seminal book, First, Break All The Rules: What The World’s Greatest Managers Do Differently (Simon & Schuster, 1999), write that a manager’s role is to be a “catalyst,” i.e. to “speed up the reaction between the employee’s talents and the company’s goals, and between the employee’s talents and the customer’s needs.” This starts by understanding that “each individual is true to his or her own unique nature. Therefore, a “great managers capitalize on this and try to help each person become more and more of who they already are.” They understand that “people don’t change that much. Don’t waste time trying to put in what was left out. Try to draw out what was left in. That is hard enough.” As part of building on their unique talents and strengths, managers need to clarify performance expectations and to define the right outcomes, not the right steps. 

Furthermore, they need to remember these three numbers: 40%, 22%, and 1%. Tom Rath in his book, StrengthsFinder 2.0 (Gallup Press, February 2007), shares the following: “If your manager primarily ignores you, your chances of being actively disengaged are 40%. If your manager primarily focuses on your weaknesses,  your chances of being actively disengaged are 22%. If your manager primarily focuses on your strengths, your chances of being actively disengaged are 1%.” The problem, from my perspective, is that many managers and front line supervisors, who default to the fire and hire option, do not realize that their primary form of supervision is to ignore people, or to tell them what they are doing wrong. And the inevitable outcome of this is active disengagement, i.e. poor execution, drama, and people not meeting expectations or delivering on outcomes. 

Third, managers and front line supervisors need to engage in proactive and regular supervision, coaching, and check-ins. This should happen daily and weekly. In particular, during the regular weekly check- in, the manager should ask the aforementioned two questions, i.e. “What are your priorities this week? How can I help?” are . Furthermore, the manager needs to help people understand the difference between a priority and a goal. Both are important and people will be held accountable for accomplishing them. 

Clarify Priorities And Goals

From my experience of being called in to figure out why a person or team is not doing well, I routinely found that all involved could not state what was a priority, what were their goals, and what were the basic operational expectations, e.g. work as one team, or communicate with positive intent. Instead, I discovered confusion and/or complete misalignment between what the supervisor thought was most important and the direct report thought was most important. Through thoughtful dialogue and clarification, often these problems could be solved and people began moving in a positive direction based on clarity and trust. 

Nevertheless, if in the end of doing the above three things, people are still not achieving the desired outcomes, I believe that changing out the team or an individual is a reasonable choice. As executive coach Kevin Cashman pointed out many years ago, “Leaders get what they role model and what they tolerate.” If, over time, a manager or front line supervisor tolerates drama in the midst of uncertainty, this is going generate three problems, namely the growth of this behavior by others, paralysis in action, or ultimately the failure at a team, division or company level. None of these are the desired outcomes that all involved want to take place. Still, they are possibilities if we can not figure out how to change an individual or team over the long haul. 

Stay With A Problem Longer

As we deal with the current VUCA environment and the rise of uncertainty in the face drama, I am reminded of something Einstein shared: “It’s not that I am so smart. It’s that I stay with a problem longer.” I think this is the true challenge for leaders at all levels of an organization. They just want all the problems to go away. Therefore, they choose quick fire options rather than sustainable solutions. In short, they choose comfort over courage, and as a result, the problems and challenges persist. 

Nevertheless, we can create long term workable solutions if we “stay with a problem longer.” First, we need to focus on keeping calm on the inside in the face of these challenges, to set boundaries, and get support in order to maintain perspective.  Second, we need to generate Kotter’s planned short term wins that “energize the change helpers, enlighten the pessimists, defuse the cynics, and build momentum for the effort.” Third, before defaulting to fire and hire, we need to apply Collin’s “First Who, then what” mindset as a rigorous discipline, consistently applied. Fourth, we need to remember Wagner and Harter’s perspective that “before a person can deliver what he should as a manager, he must first receive what he needs as an employee.” All managers and front line supervisors need to have great managers in order to be great managers. Finally, we need to engage in proactive and regular supervision, coaching, and check-ins, plus clarifying priorities and goals. 

The convergence of the above elements will make a huge difference, and is the foundation to flipping the current VUCA environment into a time of vision, understanding, clarity, and agility. Yet, the poet Mark Nepo reminds us of one last important point: “To be broken is no reason to see all things broken.” We are all challenged by current events and we all feel overwhelmed by the difficulties before us. Nevertheless, we need to recognize that not everything is broken around us and within us. We do have choices, and we can make choices when dealing with uncertainty in the face of drama. And the first step is to heal ourselves and to regain our center in the midst of it all. Then, we will see that not all things are broken, and we can build a new way of working together. This is the path way to sustainable and engaged change. 

© Geery Howe 2024

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change

Uncertainty In The Face Of Drama - Part #1

Introduction

The term VUCA was first introduced at the Army War College, and also by Bob Johansen in his book, Get There Early: Sensing the Future to Compete in the Present (Berrett-Koehler, 2007). VUCA is defined as a time period when things and events are volatile, uncertain, complex, and ambiguous. Kevin Cashman in his book, The Pause Principle: Step Back to Lead Forward (Berrett-Koehler, 2012), reports that Johansen contends that we have “to flip the VUCA forces to terms that create possibilities and refine VUCA as: Vision; Understanding; Clarity; Agility.” I think this is a brilliant observation and a goal that all leaders should be working on at this time period. 

Recently, when visiting with an experienced executive, we discussed the current VUCA forces and this current period of prolonged uncertainty. In the midst of this conversation, he shared with me that he is seeing a rise in “uncertainty in the face of drama.” He said this is happening because a person, or a team, has an exaggerated response, or becomes overly emotional in their reaction to events and situations that are happening around them. As part of this reaction, they use hyperbolic language, and blow small things out of proportion. Furthermore, they seek control, and yet constantly create chaos in the process. The end result is that everything becomes more complicated, and we as leaders come to the conclusion that this individual or group of individuals more likely will not change their ways. Therefore, a decision has to be made if the team, division, or company is going to be successful. 

I am also seeing the rise of uncertainty in the face drama happening in more and more companies at this time period. Leaders are already struggling and, for many, this situation is really pushing their buttons. They want answers on how to deal with this problem, and they want them fast. 

When coaching people in regards to this situation as well as with what is happening within the current VUCA environment, I believe we need to step back in order to step forward, referencing the work of Cashman in the aforementioned book. We need to remember that being a leader attracts challenges, drama, and difficulties like a magnet attracts iron filings. It just comes with the territory. And, at the exact same time, we must realize that the pain of not dealing this situation over time will became greater than the pain of dealing with this problem. Therefore, we have some critical choices to make. 

Keep Calm And Carry On

The first choice, and at times the hardest choice, is to be calm, and to stay calm. We as leaders also have strong reactions to the current VUCA environment. We can get spun up and very emotional about it all, too. Still, we need to stay centered, and not blow things out of proportion. 

One way to do this is to set boundaries, and get support in order to maintain perspective. We need to decide whether certain subject are up for negotiation and change, and in what settings we are willing to discuss them with others.  Furthermore, we need people in our lives who can listen to us and help us to slow down, regain perspective, and offer practical insights. As Ron Heifetz and Marty Linsky in their book, Leadership On The Line: Staying Alive through the Dangers of Leading (Harvard Business School Press, 2002), point out, leaders need to get off the dance floor and up on the balcony in order to discern technical problems from adaptive challenges. As they write, this requires you to have the “capacity to see what is happening to you and your initiative, as it is happening.” The combination of setting boundaries and getting support to maintain perspective is vital to short and long term problem solving. 

At the same time, the choice to be calm and stay calm is a major challenge. When dealing with drama, we can react from the place of drama and create more drama. But when we choose to be calm and set boundaries, we are creating new possibilities in the midst of imbalance. When we choose to get support in order to maintain perspective, we are checking our responses to drama and determining if we are the source of all that is happening, or if we are creating an environment for more drama. In essence, we are making sure we role model and tolerate appropriate choices and behaviors rather than inappropriate choices and behaviors. But in the beginning, we need to stay centered so, over time, we can flip VUCA to a greater vision, understanding and clarity. Then, we also can choose agility over reaction. 

Generate Short Term Wins

The second choice is to connect and collaborate with others who have the capacity to generate planned short term wins. The term “short term wins” comes from the research by John Kotter in his book, Leading Change (Harvard Business School Press, 1996). In a later book, The Heart of Change: Real-Life Stories of How People Change Their Organizations (Harvard Business School Press, 2002), Kotter explains that we need to “produce sufficient short term wins, sufficiently fast, to energize the change helpers, enlighten the pessimists, defuse the cynics, and build momentum for the effort.” Kotter notes from his research that these wins need to be “visible as possible to as many people as possible” and that they “penetrate emotional defenses by being unambiguous.” Furthermore, these short term wins need to be “meaningful to others - the more deeply meaningful the better,” and that they “speak to powerful players whose support you need and do not have yet.”

I think one element of this choice that most people miss is that these short term wins are planned. Too often, leaders will call something a short term win and want to celebrate the accomplishment. Yet, many pessimists and cynics are not convinced, because the short term win appeared to come out of no where. However, when the short term win is planned, prioritized, and achieved plus when it is visible and unambiguous, then all involved recognize that progress is being made in spite of uncertainty and drama. This energizes those committed to necessary changes and defuses the drama around change. 

Change Your Team

The third choice is to fully comprehend the following phrase: “If you can’t change your team, change your team.” Currently, this has become the default choice of many leaders. Over and over, leaders tell me that they do not have the right people on the right seats of the bus, or that they just do not have the right people. Therefore, they have decided to remove an employee from a team, or even remove them from the company.

My initial problem with this choice is that it is based on the assumption that someone is going to quickly find a new and better employee. Given the current job market, I do not believe this is a wise assumption. I also am hearing more and more stories of people searching for qualified and talented new employees, and not being able to find them.

Furthermore, this default choice is based on finding the “right person.” When I ask people about their definition of “the right person,” the answers are vague. They tell me it is like art. They will know it when they see it. I unfortunately  do not find this an acceptable answer.

Who Before What

The term, “the right people,” first appeared in the writings of Jim Collins in his book, Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap. . . and Others Don't (HarperBusiness, 2001). As he explained, “The good-to-great leaders began the transformation by first getting the right people on the bus (and the wrong people off the bus) and then figured out where to drive it.” He continues, “The key point of this chapter is not just the idea of getting the right people on the team. The key point is that "who" questions come before "what" decisions - before vision, before strategy, before organization structure, before tactics.  First who, then what - as a rigorous discipline, consistently applied.”

Nevertheless, most leaders who use this term are focused on vision, strategy, goals, and outcomes. They are “what” focused more than they are “who” focused. And the “rigorous discipline, consistently applied” of “First who, then what” was not utilized until a problem started to surface. As Collins points out, “The good-to-great leaders leaders were rigorous, not ruthless, in people decisions.” What bothers me about the current “the right people” discussion is that it is usually ruthless more than rigorous. 

Collins returns to the subject of “right people” in a later book called How The Mighty Fall and Why Some Companies Never Give In (HarperCollins, 2009). Here, he further defines what the term means, answering the question “What makes for the “Right People” in key seats?” His answer is the following: “the right people fit with the company’s core values; the right people don’t need to be tightly managed; the right people understand that they do not have “jobs”; they have responsibilities; the right people fulfill their commitments; the right people are passionate about the company and its work; the right people display “window and mirror” maturity.” 

From my perspective, each of these core elements needs to be discussed and explored as to their meaning and application. The difficulty is that we often under communicate and rarely train our front line supervisors and managers. Instead, we hold them accountable to deliver extremely high outcomes related to operational and strategic performance. And in this environment, their default choice to want to get rid of people or to remove them from the team is not surprising. As the old adage goes, “If all you have is a hammer, then everything looks like a nail.” Likewise, if all you have is the perspective that there is only one choice when a problem arises, namely fire people and hire new people, then everything will be defined by this mindset. 

To be continued on Tuesday. 

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change

One Life - part #2

Cultivate Silence

The third choice is to cultivate silence. For many people, this means turning off all their electronic devices or, at least, putting them on vibrate mode. Their goal is to reduce the number of electronic inputs in their life. For them, silence is equal to the absence of inputs. However, the vibrating noise from our electronic devices continues, and because we are so easily distracted, we are constantly checking them to make sure we have not missed out on something new, different, or important. The outcome is not silence. 

The choice to cultivate silence begins on the inside, not on the outside. It is the choice to quiet the mind and to listen to the heart. It is the choice to clear away the distractions. It is the choice to listen and surrender to the silence, recognizing that the silence is not an end to itself, but instead a means to the end. It is the choice is to listen to the inner voice, and be 100% present to the moment and the opportunities within the moment. 

The result of this choice is something remarkable. As Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D. explains, “Perhaps the most important thing we bring to another person is the silence in us. Not the sort of silence that is filled with unspoken criticism or hard withdrawal. The sort of silence that is a place of refuge, of rest, of acceptance of someone as they are. We are all hungry for this other silence. It is hard to find. In its presence we can remember something beyond the moment, a strength on which to build a life. Silence is a place of great power and healing. Silence is God’s lap.” 

As we share the great power and healing that comes from inner silence, we grasp the following insight by Henri J.M. Nouwen: “In solitude we discover that our life is not a possession to be defended, but a gift to be shared. It’s there we recognize that the healing words we speak are not just our own, but are given to us; that the love we can express is part of a greater love; and that the new life we bring forth is not a property to cling to, but a gift to be received.” By cultivating silence, we discover a holistic solitude, and the opportunity in the silence to focus on the larger arc of our life and to discover the miracles happening all around us. 

Make Friends; Build Community

Given the challenges of this time, the fourth choice is to make more friends and to build community. As Albert Schweitzer reminds us, “In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.” And this is the power and importance of friends and community. They are the ones who rekindle in us the capacity to move forward. They are the ones who support us when we struggle. They are the ones who hold us when we are feeling overwhelmed and weak to continue building one life rather than settling for fragmentation. 

“In these times of greed and externality,” writes the late Irish poet and priest John O’Donohue, “there is such unusual beauty in having friends who practice profound faithfulness to us, praying for us each day without our ever knowing or remembering it. There are often lonesome frontiers we could never endure or cross without the inner sheltering of these friends. It is hard to live a true life that endeavors to be faithful to its own calling and not become haunted by the ghosts of negativity; therefore, it is not a luxury to have such friends; it is necessary.”

Finally, making friends and community are vital to sustaining one life. As Mr Rogers pointed out, “As human beings, our beings, our job in life is to help people realize how rare and valuable each one of us really is, that each of us has something that no one else has - or every will have - something inside that is unique to all time. It’s our job to encourage each other to discover that uniqueness and to provide ways of developing its expression.” For when we do this, we generate the ability to believe in a unified life, to create a unified life, and to maintain it during difficult times. When we grasp that our uniqueness makes a difference in the world, then we comprehend the importance of helping others to find their uniqueness, too.  We then realize the importance “to live a true life that endeavors to be faithful to its own calling.”

The Hidden Seed of Wholeness

The desire to live a unified life is the result of realizing that the cost of living a fragmented life is too high and too painful. It is based on the understanding that  often winning at work means loosing at home. Furthermore, living at the speed of software and engaging in transitive relationships does not generate purpose or transformative significance. Instead, our lives become an endless reactive cycle of choices. In short, we defend ourselves from life rather than engaging with life. 

Still, in the midst of this struggle, we can make fundamental and important choices. As Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D reminds us, “I’ve spent years learning how to fix life, only to discover at the end of the day that life is not broken. There is a hidden seed of greater wholeness in everyone and everything. We serve life best when we water it and befriend it. When we listen before we act.”

The pathway to this hidden seed of wholeness starts when we make four important choices. First, we must choose purpose over comparison. Second, we must choose to live in the now and look for the small and large miracles and blessings that surround us. Third, we must cultivate silence and time for introspection and reflection. Fourth, we must continually make new friends and maintain old friendships because this is the pathway to building community. 

In the end, we want to live one life rather than two lives. As the author Louise Penny reminds us, “We love life, not because we are used to living, but because we are used to loving.” With a love for life, we can create a unified life based on a transformational purpose, clarity, and compassion. And when we live from this foundation, we can make a difference in the lives of those we love and in the lives of those who we interact with on a daily basis. 

© Geery Howe 2024

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change