Create Boundaries

I think the challenge when we are drained is that we have not only lost connection with our community we also have lost a connection with ourselves. We keep moving through life, but we do not feel like we are able to make a difference given the number of things before us. As a result, we feel overwhelmed and are unable to prioritize.  Everything starts to feel both urgent and important. 

Now, the traditional response to a situation of this nature is to create boundaries between work and home. In simple terms, we should leave work stuff at work, and leave the home stuff at home. The assumption is that one should never impact the other. However, from personal experience and from coaching many people in leadership positions, I have learned that this is easier said than done. I do think creating boundaries is important, but I think the first boundary to create is to separate our role at work from our definition of self. 

At work, our supervisor will sit down with us and clarify our role, responsibilities, expectations and goals. Sometimes, this happens during our orientation or on-boarding process to a new job. Other times, this will be explored during our annual review. But, other than these specific times, it is usually not discussed or talked about very much. Thus, we define it ourselves, which often results in us setting unrealistic expectations as they relate to our role and our goals. In essence, we set the bar so high that we are constantly behind or constantly failing because our expectations are unrealistic and unattainable. In short, we experience a predictable surprise, namely a situation that will only get worse over time and may even end up resulting in a crisis situation. 

But, when we create healthy boundaries and define healthy and realistic expectations for ourself, the first step is to separate our role at work from our definition of self. As Ron Heiftz, Alexander Grashow, and Marty Linsky in their book, The Practice of Adaptive Leadership: Tools and Tactics for Changing Your Organization and the World (Harvard Business Press, 2009) explain, “Whatever role you are playing at any one time, that role does not represent all of who you are, even if it feels that way.” We need to remember that our role is only a part of us, and we are greater than our role at work. When we choose to embrace this distinction between the role we play at work and our own personhood, we gain the emotional strength to redefine our priorities and put things back into perspective. In essence, our self-worth is not defined by others or our ability to make things run perfectly at work. When we create boundaries in conjunction with separating our work role from ourself, we build a new foundation for living and working. 

FYI: To be continued on Wednesday. 

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change Morning Star Associates 319 - 643 - 2257