Introduction
It happened. You did your best. And now you are feeling burned out by circumstances outside your control or influence. The outcome is that you have nothing left in the tank. You have come to the place where you are overwhelmed and feeling empty. In short, life has become nothing more than a meaningless process of getting stuff done at work, and then spending more time numbing yourself at home from the uncertainty and the struggle of it all.
Peter Drucker in an article called “What is Our Business?” from the June 2001 issue of Executive Excellence magazine shared two important insights about being a leader. First, “The executive’s time tends to belong to everybody else.” And everybody and anybody can move in on your time and eventually does. Dealing with interruptions is normal and very difficult. It often is part of why leaders burn out. Second, “Executives are forced to keeping “operating” unless they take positive action to change the reality in which they live.” This is hard to do. Often, the flow of events around us can determine the priorities before us.
From my experience, we end up burning out because we are suffering from the convergence of task fatigue where there are more things to get done than hours in the day, decision fatigue where everyone one is wanting us to make a decision and we are dealing with tons of ambiguity and incomplete information, confidentiality fatigue where we carry the burden of knowing too much that we can not share, compassion fatigue where there are too many things and too many people to care for, and finally change fatigue where everything is supposed to be innovative, agile and resilient and nothing seems to work according to the plan.
The outcome of all of this fatigue is exhaustion and burnout. It just keeps coming and we are completely stressed out. As Brene’ Brown wrote in her book, Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience (Random House, 2021): “We feel stressed when we evaluate environmental demands as beyond our ability to cope successfully. This includes elements of unpredictability, uncontrollability, and feeling overloaded.”
I have been there personally and professionally. I have also taught people about how to deal with this, and I have coached people on how to move through this. In the beginning, we must recognize that there are no quick fixes when we are experiencing this level of burnout and exhaustion. There are, however, pathways to recovery and restoration. What follows are six key insights to finding a new way of working and living. They can be a catalysts for productive and sustainable change, and a road map to getting from where you are to where you want to be.
Manage Your Energy, Not Just Your Time
Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz in their book, The Power of Full Engagement: Managing Energy, Not Time, Is the Key to High Performance and Personal Renewal (Simon & Schuster, 2003) wrote: “… managing energy, not time, is the fundamental currency of high performance. Performance is grounded in the skillful management of energy.” When I read this for the first time, it blew me away. I had spent hours on time management stuff and could not get it all to work. The usual outcome for me was that I felt defeated by too much to do and not enough time. However, with Loehr and Schwartz’s writing, it all fell into place.
First, I realized that I needed time to work which required great focus and energy. But I also needed to give myself permission to rest and recover from the focused work I was doing.
Second, as Loehr and Schwartz pointed out, “full engagement requires drawing on four separate but related sources of energy: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.” I tended to only draw on one of the four and thus I needed to learn how to utilize the other three sources. This did not happen over night and was definitely a learning process. But with time, commitment, and discipline, I did get better at using all four sources.
Finally, Loehr and Schwartz note that “positive energy rituals - highly specific routines for managing energy - are the key to full engagement and sustained high performance.” I did not have any “energy rituals” at the time I read their work. Now, decades later, I realize I have figured them out and utilize them on a regular basis. They help me stay grounded and centered in the midst of my challenging and complex work.
Expand Your Network of Support
Being burned out is never easy or fun. A matter of fact, it just sucks. But over time, I come to agree with William H. McRaven in his book, Sea Stories: My Life In Special Operations (Grand Central Publishing, 2020), who wrote about the life and work of Navy Seals. From a Navy Seals’ perspective, “… the only easy day was yesterday.” When all our yesterdays don’t feel easy, there is something all of us need to watch out for, namely the “two empty bucket syndrome.”
Many people come home from work, and expect their wife, husband, life partner, or friend to ease their pain and listen to their challenges as they unload about their day. The difficulty in this situation is that the other person may also have had a horrible day and they expect the person coming home to listen to them. As a result, both people are feeling empty and expecting the other to fill them. At moments like this, we realize that two empty buckets can not fill each other up. I routinely see this happening in the world of leadership, and all it ever does is lead to further burnout.
When I first started teaching stress management to people in highly stressful situations, I would remind workshop participants that they needed three people outside their family which they could call upon seven days a week for support and perspective. The reason I want this group of people to be non-family members is that these individuals can offer support and perspective that is not part of one’s daily living.
Now, I encourage people, who are burning out or who have burned out, to expand their network of support to include a diverse group of allies and and confidants. Allies stand with us as we move through our pain. Confidants can listen and share without trying to fix us, our workplace, or our families. Sometimes, these are the same people and other times they are not.
In combination with an expanded network of support, I encourage people, who are burning out or who have burned out, to engage in routine exercise and health activities. For some, this looks like working out and breaking a sweat at the gym. Others garden. And some just take the dog for a walk. Whatever your choice, the goal is to work out the emptiness through exercise.
Finally, I recommend that people interrupt the two empty bucket syndrome by setting up regular, systematic connections. Years ago, this were called “date nights.” Each person in the relationship would choose an activity such as a dinner, movie, dance, or event, and the other would go along for the fun. The responsibility for organizing the event would rotate back and forth. For example, I know one couple who scheduled regular nights with their friends. They saw it as a community and network building opportunity. They called these “fajitas and margaritas dinners” and they rotated between all the different couples and houses.
From my observations, those leaders, who can handle a lot stress and avoid the two empty bucket syndrome, feel connected to those who they work with plus friends and families. These same individuals, who can handle a lot of stress, anxiety, and uncertainty, feel and believe that they belong to something important that is larger them themselves. Finally, in spite of these working conditions, they can still bring their authentic and imperfect selves to work and life. They do so, because they have people in their life who make it a safe and trustworthy place.
The two empty bucket syndrome is real and painful, but with an expanded network of allies and confidants, we are able to move forward with grace and gratitude. It all comes down to a matter of maintaining perspective and support.
Think More About Your Career and Your Life Choices
It started during a lunch meeting when she shared with me that she was starting to burn out from the endless stream of operational details. She felt overwhelmed by the constant problems and finally encountered complete decision fatigue. The result was they she dreaded going to work on Monday mornings and routinely felt anxious, worried, and frustrated.
“If this is what leadership is all about,” she stated, “then I want nothing to do with it. Being a leader sucks.”
She then paused and looked out the window. After a moment or two, she turned and asked me an important question, “Should I apply for a new job?”
As an executive coach, I am asked this question on a regular basis. When one is experiencing burnout or dissatisfaction in a current job, a new job seems to be the best solution. And some times, it is the right choice.
But I don’t instantly assume that switching jobs is the best choice. I have learned in life that while the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, one does not know if it is actually greener because it is a more healthy work environment or it is just greener because it is located over the septic tank. Therefore, when confronted with this question, I always start the discussion from a different place.
On this day, I paused for a moment and then said, “Will this make you a better mother, daughter, sister, or wife?”
She looked out the window of the restaurant one more time, and was silent for a bit.
I continued, “Once you have the “new” job, what will your whole life be like?”
From my experience, burned out leaders only look at their life through the job window. They do not look at their whole life, i.e. work, home, family and relationships. Sometimes a burned out leader isn’t just experiencing burnout at work. Sometimes, they are experiencing a burned out life.
Having coached people for decades, I have witnessed that changing jobs did not always yield a less stressful life. At times, we forget the old adage that “wherever you go, there you are.” In simple terms, this means that if you don’t like your current circumstances, moving does not change everything. We all take our baggage with us.
“Indeed, the great paradox of change,” writes Jim Collins, “is that the organizations [and people] that best adapt to a changing world first and foremost know what should not change; they have a fixed anchor of guiding principles around which they can more easily change everything else.” By asking the question about whether or not one will become a better person as a result of a job change, I am asking the person to discover or rediscover the guiding principles of their life. With inner clarity of purpose, we can make career and life choices based on clarity rather than reactivity.
And from this foundation, we can ask ourselves if we are coping with burnout, trying to prevent more burnout, or seeking to recover from burnout. Prevention requires awareness that burnout could be happening. Coping implies that the state of burnout has arrived or is imminent. Therefore, we deploy coping mechanisms, e.g. constructive strategies to reduce stress. But recovery and restoration is a different process.
After many hours of reflection, I think the restoration pathway has many stages to it. I also recognize that each of us as people and as leaders start in different places along the path and move through the different stages of restoration at various speeds.
While I wish I could clearly map out the whole restoration process, I do know a couple of things about restoration from my own personal experiences, from being an executive coach, and from visiting with people who are helping others along this path.
First, stoping to reflect is a critical stage. We need to pause and take stock. We need to step back and look at the whole of our life, at work and at home. We need to discern if we are living to our fullest potential and in a healthy manner.
Second, this act of reflection often results in a stage of remembrance and mourning. We have to grieve what we have lost and experience the normal but, at times, uncomfortable stages of grief that come with acknowledging these losses.
Third, we need to begin the process of learning and understanding new ways to work and live. This special time may include partnering with friends, coaches, and mentors who can offer perspective, insights, and support.
Finally, we need to give ourselves some grace along the way. We also must give ourselves permission to keep experimenting on how to live and work in a new and healthy manner.
The restoration and recovery pathway is not linear. Instead it is a dynamic and iterative process where several of the steps can happen simultaneously and continuously. Still, I think it is critical that we prepare ourselves for this work and then commit to doing it.
As Confucius wrote so long ago, “Wherever you go, go with all your heart.” Now is the time to think more about our career and life choices. We always have the potential to create healthier new beginnings as we move forward.
Reclaim What Matters Most
When I teach the From Vision to Action Leadership Training, I routinely ask participants the following question: “What do you do that matters the most?” I have come to the conclusion that we really don’t think about this question too often. I also believe that most answers are just knee jerk reactions rather than thoughtful responses. I think this happens because we have been scripted to meet unrealistic expectations. Sometimes, the answer to this question is created by us, and other days it is set set by others.
When we are burned out as leaders, we often discover that we have tried to be all things to all people. This never works. Instead, we need to be clear about what it is that only we can do. We need to find, and hold on to what adds meaning to our life. So, the question, “What do I do that really matters the most?”, needs to also include thinking about the following new question, “What makes my life meaningful?”. It is the combination of the two that will generate perspective.
“Don’t lose yourself in your role,” write Ronald Heifetz, Alexander Glasgow, and Marty Linsky in their article called “Leadership in a (Permanent) Crisis”, Harvard Business Review, July-August 2009. As they explain, “Defining life through a single endeavor, no matter how important your work is to you and to others, makes you vulnerable when the environment shifts. It also denies you other opportunities for fulfillment.”
When I think about the question, “What makes my life meaningful?”, I think about cooking for my family, and then spending time with them over a good meal. I also think about making the world a more beautiful place through planting flowers and caring for them around our home, reading a good book and learning from it, and finally visiting with close friends. All of these things bring me joy, new insights, and meaning to my life journey.
As Ryan Holiday wrote in his book, Stillness Is The Key (Portfolio/Penguin, 2019), we “attend to our business because we need to matter, and we don’t always realize we already do.” Reclaim what matters most in your life and you will find pathways through the burnout you are experiencing.
Rediscover Your Thinking Space
“I’ve mastered the art of making myself unavailable when necessary,” John Maxwell in his book, How Successful People Think: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life (Center Street, 2009), “and going off to my ‘thinking place’ so that I can work without interruptions.” I am in agreement with John Maxwell about the importance of being unavailable at times and having a “thinking place.”
I believe there are three myths that cause leaders to burn out. The first myth is that the leader’s job is to come up with all of the answers. The second myth is that it is the leader’s job to fix everything. And the final myth is that it is the leader’s job to get everything done before we give ourselves permission to rest. These self-imposed expectations are not realistic and are detrimental over time. They prevent us from thinking about what is happening all around us and within us. Instead, they push us into a pattern of always reacting to work and life’s challenges.
One of the many important steps to recovering from burnout is to rediscover our thinking space, i.e. a time and space for reflection where we can concentrate deeply and gain insights and perspective about what is happening. Cal Newport in his book, Deep Work: Rules For Focused Success In A Distracted World (Grand Central Publishing, 2016), notes that within this thinking place there is the opportunity to do “deep work.” Here, one can engage in “professional [and personal] activities performed in a state of distraction-free concentration that push your cognitive capabilities to their limit. These efforts create new value, improve your skill, and are hard to replicate.”
As I often remind clients, the harder and the faster you work, the more you need to slow down and reflect. This thinking time is mission critical to move forward in the challenging, dynamic and wildly unpredictable world we find ourselves at this time period.
The first step in rediscovering your thinking space is to schedule a time and to choose a place where you will not be interrupted. Next, once there, reduce or eliminate distractions. This means no social media and no texting. Third, define the problem or situation you want to think about. Fourth, schedule more time than you think you need, because one idea or solution may lead to another idea or solution. The goal here is to capture all of your thinking, not just the first idea that pops into your head. Finally, write down a summary of your thoughts for further exploration.
As Brene’ Brown wrote in her book, Rising Strong: The Reckoning. The Rumble. The Revolution (Spiegel & Grau, 2015): “We can’t be brave in the big world without at least one small safe space to work through our fears and falls.” Rediscovering your thinking space is one small, but important step in the journey to being a leader who has recovered from burnout.
Respect The Recovery Process
When we are burned out as leaders, recovery is a journey more than a destination. Our challenge is to respect the process of recovery. And this begins when we are accept that burnout happened.
We do this in an active manner rather than with a passive shrug of the shoulder and a hint of denial or unimportance. Instead, as Brene Brown writes, we “embrace the suck.” We acknowledge the pain of burnout and the impact of burnout on our life and the lives of those around us. We may not understand how it all took place, but we know that it has, and that we need to move forward in a thoughtful manner.
We begin by finding safe, thinking places to process what happened. And we do this work with safe people. As Ron Heifetz, Alexander Glasgow, and Marty Linsky wrote in the aforementioned article, we need to “find sanctuaries where you can reflect on events and regain perspective.”
In these quiet, thinking spaces, we sit in silence, reflect, share, and slowly regain perspective. We take our foot off the accelerator and give ourselves permission to rest and recover. We unplug and slowly unwind the tension that we are carrying. We also do this with our allies and confidants.
I remember a Fall Executive Roundtable many years ago when Christina Smith, CEO of Community Support Advocates, shared that “our sacrifices must reflect our priorities.” When we fully embrace the recovery process and define our priorities, we must have the courage to begin something that we do not know how it will end. As Martin Luther King, Jr. once said: “Faith is taking the first steps even when you don’t see the full staircase.”
Most people think this level of courage is about dreaming big new ideas. But from experience, the real challenge is to start the journey without fully knowing what will happen during the journey. Furthermore, to have the courage to not fully know the outcome or the destination.
As some of us have learned, the only way to recovery is through recovery. Along the way, there will be questions and there will be grief. It will not be linear. It will be messy. And this is all normal.
Finally, when we respect the recovery process, we have the opportunity to be humble and recognize that we stand on the shoulders of others, namely mothers, fathers, teachers and mentors. All of these people loved us and encouraged us in spite of their challenges and in spite of our own challenges. As Linda Hogan, Native American Chickasaw, pointed out: “You are the result of the love of thousands.”
For when we have courage and are humble, we will recover. We will open doors to new ways of living, working, and leading. And the results will be transformative for us and many other people.
© Geery Howe 2022
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