What Is Empowerment?

It started over a good meal, and a discussion about different leadership paradigms. We all agreed that most leaders default to a fixing and controlling style of leadership when under pressure. They use this methodology with systems, and any and all problems, including people. However, we also agreed that certain leaders approach the same situations with a trusting, listening, and allowing/supporting style of leadership. 

“I think the latter generates more empowered people,” said the person across the table from me. 

I agreed with his perspective. We paused for a moment to let this sink in, and then I asked him an important question: “What does it feel like to be empowered?”

When I asked this question, everyone at the table stopped talking and stopped eating. It was one of those questions where a superficial, management-by-best-seller answer did not need to be shared. And for a moment, it also didn’t feel like the time or place to speak. Instead, it was a collective moment of reflection before a deep level of sharing and understanding was created. 

Many years ago, when I was working with a group of first time leaders, I got asked one of these unique kinds of questions. One of the participants said, “How do you do authenticity?” I had to stop for a moment, because over the course of my entire career I had never been asked this question. I responded, “One does not do authenticity. One choses to be authentic. It is not a doing action. It is a being action.”

As I pondered the question about empowerment, I realized that it was the same as the authenticity question, and my subsequent answer to that question. One does not do empowerment. Instead, one feels empowered. It begins at the being level, not the doing level. It is an internal experience, before it ever is an external action and outcome.

So, what does it feel like to be empowered?

I believe it all comes down to the following four words: clarity, confidence, competence, and connection. The Four C’s, as I like to call them, are the root of feeling empowered. On the surface, this seems elementary, but, after a great deal of reflection, I believe the Four C’s offer a unique perspective on this question. 

The first C is clarity. This word did not really enter the lexicon of leadership until Patrick Lencioni wrote the book, The Four Obsessions of an Extraordinary Executive, (Jossey-Bass, 2000). Previous to that time period, it was used occasionally in the literature and during some consultations, trainings, and coaching sessions. But after 2000, the term went viral and everyone referenced the concept. 

During the subsequent years that followed, it reminded me of when Stephen Covey wrote and published the book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Before 1989, no one ever said put first things first or begin with the end in mind. Afterwards, everyone in leadership referenced these phrases and his seven habits. Thirty-six years later, people are still referencing his work. That is the power of finding the right words and phrases for the right time period. 

Lencioni focused his definition of clarity around creating organizational clarity. As he wrote, “A healthy organization minimizes the potential for confusion by clarifying: why the organization exists, which behavioral values are fundamental, what specific business it is in, who its competitors are, how it is unique, what it plans to achieve, [and] who is responsible for what.” 

I think this an important definition. However, it is focused on the organizational level, and I believe empowerment is experienced first on the personal level. Of course, one does need to have some degree of organizational clarity, but it is not the complete source of feeling empowered. Understanding strategy and priorities is part of the whole, but it does not generate the feeling of empowerment. 

I think the feeling of empowerment happens when we have personal clarity before we have organizational clarity. Now, this is not a chicken vs egg question, namely which comes first? Instead, I think personal clarity happens when we commit to life long learning and routine, in-depth reflection. For it is the combination of the two which generates an on-going evolution of personal clarity rather than a one and done definition or experience. 

Nevertheless, as we explore the connection between personal clarity and the feeling of empowerment, I am reminded of some thing that the late Thai Buddhist monk, Ajajn Chah once said: “It’s like we’re riding a horse and asking, ‘Where’s the horse?’ ” I don’t think we believe that the continual evolution of personal clarity is enough. I also don’t think many people want to do this level of internal work. Instead, many people expect someone else to tell them what they need to be clear about in life and work. They defer to others what is most important in their life. In essence, they want someone to hand them a horse, and then to give them permission to ride it, rather than do the work themselves to find a horse, create a relationship with the horse, and then learn how to ride it. 

This leads me to the second C which is confidence. Over decades of doing this work, I have learned that empowered people have confidence. In particular, they have confidence in their ability to do things, and in their knowledge about how to solve problems. They also have confidence in their team and their company. They believe they can make the right decisions, and they believe they are role modeling what is most important.

Underneath this level of confidence, I have learned and observed that empowered people can make choices about how to achieve predetermined outcomes and goals. They also believe they are engaged in meaningful work. But for me, the root of this ability and this belief is that people, who feel they are empowered, also feel they have agency. 

Having agency is defined as the ability to make decisions and to take actions in order to achieve one’s goals. Agency also is the sense of control that you feel in your life, the capacity to choose and to influence your own thoughts and behaviors, and the faith in your ability to handle whatever comes up in life. In very simple terms, having agency means having a choice about how to use your personal power. 

When I think of the people I have met who have had agency, what intrigues me the most is that they are clear about who they are and what they believe, i.e. a deep sense personal clarity and understanding. At the exact same time, they are clear about their social connections and social networks which support them to take action. Their personal clarity, in combination with their social network and connections, gives them the confidence to engage with the challenges and problems before them. 

Thus, they are not empowered by an outside positional leader, but instead they feel empowered by an inner depth of understanding and support. And those leaders who choose a paradigm of fixing and controlling things do not create people who feel empowered. Instead, it is the leader, who trusts, listens and supports people, that will create the feeling of empowerment. This happens in part because the leader, who chooses this paradigm, understands that they do not empower people, per se, but instead supports them to discover and claim their own agency. The feeling begins on the inside and then is validated and supported on the outside. 

The third C is competence. On the surface, this again seems elementary. Of course, empowered people are competent. They create plans and execute them. They generate positive outcomes and meet expectations. They even work well with others in a team setting. But the outer results reflect something on the inside that many leaders miss, namely that these individuals have an internal drive to continually get better at what they are doing. Rather than defining competence by a static definition of knowledge, skills, and abilities, people, who feel empowered, are always wanting to get better. They are focused on mastering the work they are doing rather than simply completing the work they are doing. 

Of course, they want to do a good job and, if needed and possible, to go above and beyond what is truly required. But the source of this choice lies in a fundamental commitment to life-long learning more than life-long doing. They want to be better in order that they can do better. Their inner clarity and confidence, in part, reflects their inner commitment to continually becoming more competent rather than just being competent enough to get the work done.

The fourth C is connection. When I reflect on all of the empowered people I have met in various different companies and industries, I am reminded of a phrase from Jim Collin’s book, Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap. . . and Others Don’t (HarperBusiness, 2001): “First Who. . . Then What”. As he explains, “The key point … is not just the idea of getting the right people on the team. The key point is that "who" questions come before "what" decisions - before vision, before strategy, before organization structure, before tactics. First who, then what - as a rigorous discipline, consistently applied.” For Collins, the people, who are a part of your team and are part of your network, are a significant reason for your success. I would add that I think it makes a big difference in whether or not you feel empowered, too. 

With this in mind, I turn to the work of Herminia Ibarra and her book, Act Like A Leader, Think Like A Leader (Harvard Business Review Press, 2015). First, she notes that people have a tendency to prefer interacting with people who are similar to themselves. She calls this “the narcissistic principle of relationship formation.” I have noticed this time and time again over the course of many decades. 

Yet, Ibarra writes that leaders use networks as an essential leadership tool. They help them in the following ways: “sensing trends and seeing opportunities, building ties to opinion leaders and talent in diverse areas, working collaboratively across boundaries to create more value, avoiding groupthink, generating breakthrough ideas, [and] obtaining career opportunities.” All of these diverse connections generates capacity on multiple levels. 

In particular, Ibarra encourages us to have three kinds of networks: operational, personal, and strategic networks. As she writes, “The first helps you manage current internal responsibilities, the second boosts personal development, and the third focuses on new business directions and the stakeholders you must get on board to pursue these directions.” She further explains that “your strategic network is made up of relationships that help you to envision the future, sell your ideas, and get the information and resources you need to exploit these ideas…. A good strategic network gives you connective advantage: the ability to marshal information, support, or other resources from one of your networks to obtain results in another.” Finally, she shares, “You need operational, personal, and strategic networks to get things done, to develop personally and professionally, and to step up to leadership. Although most good managers have good operational networks, their personal networks are disconnected from their leadership work, and their strategic networks are nonexistent or underutilized.”

When I meet leaders, who feel empowered, I always notice that the “who” factor within their various networks are not random. They are made up of individuals the leader has sought out, built a relationship with, and worked hard to maintain this relationship over time. There is a recognition that these in-depth connections generate perspective, insights, and new ways of thinking. From my perspective, this depth of connectivity strengthens their ability to be empowered and to feel empowered. 

Finally, when it comes to the importance of connections, I also am reminded of John Paul Lederach and his book, The Moral Imagination: The Art And Soul Of Building Peace (Oxford University Press, 2005). Lederach offers a powerful phrase that often explains something unique about people who feel empowered, namely they “… put ‘who’ at the center of ‘how’.” As he explains, “When people in everyday settings where I was working had a conflict, their first thought was not ‘what is the solution?’ It was ‘who do I know who knows the person with whom I have the problem who can help create a way out?’ The question ‘who?’ came first. The question ‘what?’ followed. To put it another way, solutions emerged from relational resources, connections, and obligations.” I think this is the final key to empowerment. When an individual has the “relational resources, connections, and obligations,” they generate an inner clarity, confidence and competence to move through challenging situations and problems. In short, they feel empowered. 

When clarity, confidence, competence, and connection converge within an individual, they experience something very unique, namely a state of coherence, i.e. a unified whole where all the parts fit together. The opposite of coherence is fragmentation and a loss of continuity. With coherence, empowerment is a discovered and unified experience. While the feeling of coherence and empowerment is unique to each individual, we as leaders must learn to lead in such a way as to trust and support this inner alignment. For when we do this, we capitalize on the best an individual has to offer, namely their commitment to be the best they can be no matter what challenges are before them. 

© Geery Howe 2025

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change

Mutual Care

Many years ago, I had a student in one of my classes who always responded to my greeting in a unique way. When I would see him first thing in the morning, I would say to him, “Hi Bill. It is nice to see you today.” And he would always respond, “It is nice to be seen.” This response often stopped me. I wasn’t sure how to proceed. He wasn’t being arrogant or annoying. He was generally glad to be seen at the start of class. 

Over the course of our time together, he slowly shared about the hard and complex challenges in his personal life. From my perspective, he was swimming in the deep end of the pool. Thus, being seen was important and meaningful to him. It was a sign of caring. 

Over the course of many years, our paths would routinely cross and he would always respond with “It is nice to be seen.” Then, one day he said to me, “It is nice to see you today, Geery.” And I responded, “It is nice to be seen.”

We paused at this moment, and smiled. Tears came to my eyes because I finally got it at a deeper level. It is good to be seen. It is good to be acknowledged. It is good to know that my presence matters. It is good to to know someone cares. 

I haven’t seen Bill in a very long time. That happens in life’s long journey. But this does not bother me because I know Bill cares even when we are not in the presence of each other. I know that no matter what happens or where life takes us, his kindness has not changed. His thoughtfulness has not disappeared. Between the two of us, there is a depth of mutual caring. 

All of this came to mind recently when I read something that Mark Nepo wrote in The Book Of Awakening: “It is essential to realize and embrace the paradox that while no one can go through your journey for you, you are not alone. Everyone is on the same journey. Everyone shares the same pains, the same confusions, the same fears which if put out between us, loses their edges and so cuts less.” 

He continues this line of thought with the following story. “A very touching story from the Talmud captures this soft paradox of how we all journey alone together. A Rabbi asks his students, “How do you know the first moment dawn has arrived?”

After a great silence, one pipes up, “When you can tell the difference between a sheep and a dog.” The Rabbi shakes his head no. 

Another offers, “When you can tell the difference between a fig tree and an olive tree.”

Again, the Rabbi shakes his head no. There are no other answers. 

The Rabbi circles their silence and walks between them, “You know the first moment of dawn has arrived when you look into the eyes of another human being and see yourself.”

As Nepo explains, we are all travelers, and we are all alone on one level. Yet, we are all alone together. We all share the potential of making a positive difference in the world.

Nepo also shares that when African Bushman greet each other as someone is coming out of the bush, one person says “I See You!” And the other person responds “I Am Here!”

On this Monday morning, I say to all of you “I See You!” You are whole and beautiful in the midst of your journey. And in that reflection, I see myself as whole and beautiful, too. 

On this Monday morning, I also know your response to “I am Here!” 

As my old friend, Bill, would say, “It is good to be seen.”

This week, remember that we are all alone together, connected and caring.

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change

Moving Forward

We were visiting over a good meal about leadership, decision-making, collaboration, and communication when I figured out something important. Most leaders help people move forward by explaining the company’s strategy and why we have a particular strategy. In particular, they explain what are the goals and priorities per quarter. This is called moving forward by knowing or knowledge. The difficulty is that many front line supervisors and employees can not relate to this way of moving forward, because they live in a world focused on day to day problems and day to day routines. There is no line of sight from their daily priorities to the overall strategic intent of the company. 

Still, I get why leaders focus on unpacking the current strategy and the current context or environment in which the company is operating. But, again, the majority of front line supervisors and employees are more focused on whether or not the shift is filled, people come on time, and whether or not the daily, operational work is getting done. From their perspective, knowledge about doing the job is more important than knowledge about the company’s strategy. 

Nevertheless, strategy is important. It impacts the company in the short and long term.  Therefore, I think we need to supplement knowing the current strategy with one more thing, namely the idea of moving forward by experience. From this perspective, we need to go back in time and choose a past strategy that was successfully executed and explain how this strategy was created, and how it was executed. For as the best leaders understand, past strategy always creates the current operational reality. 

By connecting the dots from the execution of a past strategy to today’s current operational reality, we remind everyone that they have already experienced the execution of strategy and that it has made a difference. Then, when a new strategy is introduced, front line supervisors and employees can relate to this new strategy, because they can reference their past experiences with a previous strategy as part of their understanding of the new strategy. With this perspective, they can move forward with experience and knowledge. 

At the same time, I think we as leaders need to remember that moving forward with knowledge assumes that we will always have all the information and all of the knowledge to make the right decisions at the right time for the right reasons. However, as is normal in the world of leadership, strategy, and organizational change, we really only move forward with some of the knowledge that we need to make those decisions. There are always new situations, new problems, and new complexities surfacing. Therefore, we move forward with some knowledge, but we also move forward by experience, i.e. we learn our way forward. When we choose to do this, then the convergence of knowledge, experience and learning creates personal and organizational capacity plus a unique competitive advantage in the current market place. 

Still, we need to grasp two important ideas as we support and encourage the aforementioned convergence. First, we must role model this in our lives, not just expect it of others. As executive coach, author, and founder of The Restoration Project, Lindsay Leahy notes, “Allowing yourself to be transformed, to become different, to surrender, and to accept a new reality is going to take real commitment.”  And transforming commitment into action takes courage and continual learning. It requires us to focus on being aware of our goals and priorities, and to not get caught in the trap of trying to fix everyone else’s problems, which is the default choice of so many leaders during difficult and challenging times. 

Second, we need to reflect on the following insight by Matt Licata, PhD.: “… the goal is always more consciousness, forming the basis from which wiser and more skillful responses flow.” Recognizing that people prefer what they are accustomed to, more consciousness begins with more awareness. However, we must recognize and accept that all of us have conscious and unconscious, default perspectives about life and work. We must also recognize that awareness is not synonymous with a transformation of thinking. It is the beginning of change but not a full transformation. The later takes place when we choose “wiser and more skillful responses.” 

To accomplish greater consciousness, where the expansion of knowledge, experience and learning take place, I believe we need to think deeply about something that Thomas Cranmer, the Archbishop of Canterbury who drafted the first edition of The Book of Common Prayer in 1549, noted about death, “life is changed, not ended.” When we move forward with knowledge, experience, and learning, i.e. the sum of greater consciousness, life is changed, not ended. In reality, it is restored and grounded in a wider and more inclusive perspective. With more consciousness, we see and comprehend the interconnectivity of strategy and operational choices, thinking and action. We recognize that people are always changing even when they prefer what they are accustomed to on a day to day basis. 

Furthermore, these changes over time, small but significant, can result in a transformation of perspective and understanding, all of which started with a change in awareness. At the same time, this initial movement from unaware to aware cracks open the potential for multiple new choices and perspectives about how to proceed and how to engage with others. 

Nevertheless, this all begins with a commitment, referencing Lindsay Leahy’s above quote. We can make this kind of commitment, but, at the exact same time, we must activate a network of support to assist us in executing our commitment. With the support of allies, confidants, coaches, and mentors, we can slowly, step by step, expand our consciousness and live into this level of consciousness. 

Successful  transformation does not happen in a vacuum. Instead, it always happens within a network of support and understanding. And this is an individual and a collective process, all at the exact same time. As Matt Licata, PhD notes: “Remember, the primary invitation is not rejection, purging, or deleting parts of ourselves but to expanding consciousness of what is happening, for it is from that increased awareness that we can choose a new way.” When we seek to move forward from a place of knowledge, experience, and learning, we can make better decisions. We also can work better with others, plus communication in such a way as to increase awareness and understanding. In short, we executive strategy and improve daily operations, all at the same time. 

© Geery Howe 2025

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change

Four Recent Insights

Routinely now, I get asked what I have been doing since I’ve retired. First, I have to remind people that I am mostly retired. I still do some monthly coaching of long term clients who I have regularly visited with for over 15+ years. I also still do some mentoring of young professionals who are making a profound difference in the world. The combination of these two activities is one way I can support the next generation of leaders. 

When I am not doing this level of work, I read every day for over an hour from a wide diversity of authors who make me think deeply and broadly. I garden extensively, because I find this time outdoors to be restorative and up-lifting. I also visit with family and close friends, do puzzles, and listen to music. And in the late afternoons, I love to cook and bake.

Not too long ago, a young leader asked me what I have learned since retiring. This made me pause and review all that has taken place so far in this retirement journey. Here are four recent insights I shared that morning. 

First, life goes by faster than we think. And most of us are not aware of how fast it is moving forward. Day by day, we can fill our lives with busy work. And much of it does need to be done. Yet, we also have a choice to discover the sacred within the ordinary. I think this discovery of the sacred happens when we come to the realization that the moments of connection we have with others are the special moments within our life journey.

Furthermore, these connections happen when we realize that everything and everyone exists in relationship with one another. These special moments are built and defined by interdependence and interconnectedness. And as a result, we recognize that all our lives are interwoven. Life moves quickly, but these kinds of connections are timeless. 

Second, there is great joy in seeing others rise, step out, and be successful. I marvel now at the times I have witnessed someone who put in the work and transformed themselves and their way of living and working. I celebrate their inner re-alignment and the outer results that have taken place because of it. I am humbled that I was gifted the opportunity to be present to this transformation. 

Third, gratitude is a critical to health. As we age, we change on many different levels e.g. mind, body, heart, and spirit. I have witnessed many people who enter their retirement years worn to the core and burned out from life. And I have witnessed many people who enter their retirement years energized and eager to start the next phase of their life. 

I believe the critical difference is their depth of gratitude. I have come to realize that being alive is a gift that not everyone gets to experience. And my gratitude for being alive opens my eyes and heart to the daily miracles happening all around me. Whether it is a shift of the seasons, or a kind and loving gesture from a dear friend or family member, all of these impact and contribute to my overall health. They generate in me a depth of wholeness. They help me see the sacred in the ordinary and for this I am humbly grateful for the gift of being alive at this time period. 

Fourth, in the end, it’s relationships that matter the most. What most people don’t tell you is that retirement is a process of destruction and creation, all at the same time. As a society, we are so defined by our work identities. “I am a manager, consultant, business owner, vice-president, etc.”. This is how we introduce ourselves to others. These labels define so much of who we are and what we do. 

Then, when we retire, all of these labels start in the past tense, e.g. “I was fill in the blank.” It begins with a loss of identity, and an ending of self-definition. And at the exact same time, it starts the process of creating a new identity. This new identity is based on our relationships, i.e. husband, father, grandfather, friend, etc. These relationships become critical to our sense of health and well being. They are what truly matters, the essence of our true self. And I am embracing this whole life identity more as each season passes. 

For many people, retirement is framed up as “the good life.” And while it can be special, I believe the definition of the good life evolves over time. I can think back to many great days while working when I would have defined it as the good life, if not the best life. I also have memories of days when working was hard, challenging, and difficult. Those same kinds of days do not stop happening when we retire. They are still there, just in new forms. 

However, when I approach each new day remembering that life goes by faster than we think and that relationships are what matter the most, I can cope better with the new challenges of this season of my life. And I can continue to create a good life in the midst of it all. As a Hindu sage once shared, “The day is to be experienced, not understood.” I may not fully understand everything yet about being retired, but I am experiencing each day as fully as possible, and discovering the sacred within the ordinary. 

© Geery Howe 2025

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change

How To Create Order Out Of Chaos

Right now, life feels very chaotic. People are important decisions. Teams are struggling. And some events feel wildly insane. In the midst of it all, most of us just want some good, old fashion predictability and order. 

Now the classic British answer to this kind of situation is to “stay calm and carry on.” And this does work to a point, because most of us want to experience order and stability in our day to day lives. While there is no magic formula, I believe leaders can make five important choices to move themselves, their teams, and their organizations in that direction. It requires some heavy lifting, but if we are strong in mind, body, and spirit, it can be done. 

First, we must choose to respond rather than react to all that is happening around us and within us. Leaders, who typically react, start by being the judge, the controller, and/or the know-it-all when crazy times surface. I get these default choices and recognize that they work on some level. However, they do not generate clarity, commitment, or ownership of the problems. They also do not create the solutions that individuals and teams need to execute during hard times. Furthermore, they do not build meaningful levels of trust which can support people to take risks in their thinking or their actions. In short, the above three default choices result in fear or worry which are often the taproot for chaos.

When we choose to respond from the place of discernment, reflection, and then thoughtful decision-making, something different happens. In this way of moving forward, we recognize that thinking, discussing, and contemplation are all valuable steps to creating order out of chaos. Then, when the time comes for participation, practice, and execution, people feel they have been heard and understood. People also feel they have agency to make thoughtful choices rather than knee-jerk reactions. 

Second, we must offer clarity with kindness, not judgement. This begins with being respectful, and engaging in active listening when others share their thinking and reflections. In this digital age, this is very difficult to do in part because our attention spans are constantly being interrupted or distracted by news alerts or other reminders. As a result, few people actually focus long enough to speak coherently or listen thoughtfully. Most want to do all their communication by e-mail, text, or a series of emojis. Then, they do not need to have actual inter-personal engagement, which takes take too long and is so complicated. 

Still, offering clarity with kindness instead of judgement is a good choice. As part of this choice, we must create time and space to make it happen. We need to create distraction-free, concentration zones so people can relearn how to listen and share. In particular, we need to help people remember and/or experience for the first time the creation of clarity and understanding. They need to move from being unaware to aware, and then, with time, to understanding. This is hard work and offering kindness rather than judgement is a big part of creating the psychological safety to make it happen. 

Third, we must build on strengths, our own and others. At first this seems obvious, and yet few leaders truly understand their own strengths. And even fewer can articulate the strengths of their direct reports. I know this because during the last four months, many leaders have discussed with me about what to do with their direct reports who are struggling and/or not meeting expectations. Most of these discussions have revolved around how to coach people in these situations. What fascinates me is that when I ask the question, “What are the strengths of this individual?”, few, if any, can actually articulate these strengths. And I believe, this is the source of the problem. 

Marcus Buckingham and Curt Coffman in their seminal work, First, Break All The Rules: What The World’s Greatest Managers Do Differently. (Simon & Schuster, 1999), write: “each individual is true to his or her own unique nature…. great managers capitalize on this and try to help each person become more and more of who they already are.” I have learned over many decades of work that this is no small thing and requires on-going time and attention. For if we seek to build on their strengths, we must help employees understand their strengths, plus help them to learn new skills and knowledge to build on them. It is the combination of both elements that helps people improve. 

At the same time, we need to do likewise with our own strengths. Referencing Buckingham and Coffman’s work, they write: “one of the signs of a great manager is their ability is to describe, in detail, the unique talents of each of his or her people - what drives each one, how each one thinks, how each builds relationships.” I think this applies to us as leaders, too. We need to be able to describe these elements about ourselves. Because it is the convergence of both elements, our capacity to understand this about our direct reports and about ourselves that generates effective and creative ways to create order out of chaos. 

Fourth, we must be mindful of our inner dialogue. Many years ago, I was working with a head of HR who was very good at his job. His colleagues called him Yoda because of his insights and perspective. On the day we visited about a team leader who was struggling and was not able to get his team to function consistently over time, he turned to me and asked a great question: “What do you think is the story he is telling himself at this time period?”. At that moment, I stopped the analysis of what was happening, and just reflected on this question. Neither of us had chosen to inquire about his inner dialogue. We just had not considered this pathway. Later, when we did, we uncovered a whole new layer of information and solutions that shifted the entire situation. 

Since then, I have observed that leaders, who are able to make it through chaotic time periods, are very conscious about their inner dialogue. With trusted  allies and confidants, they explore it and share about it, attempting to gain perspective and insights to where they may be missing key information or taking certain pieces of information out of context. They work hard not to tell themselves stories that are not true, or to default to feelings that are not true perceptions of reality. In particular, they reflect deeply on whether or not what they are feeling and thinking is based on facts or an invented story they are telling themselves. In short, they are very mindful of their internal dialogue. 

Fifth, we must learn how to ask for help. In the world of leadership, this is not a common choice. Most leaders go it alone and push themselves to always know the answer to every question. They also hold unrealistic expectations about how much they can get done in a single day, week, or month. Routinely, they push past their capacity and then wonder why burnout takes place. 

But it does not need to be this way. We can learn how to ask for help. We can come to understand that being a leader does not mean one knows all and does all for everyone else. We can live and work in a manner that is responsible, respectable, and manageable. 

Yet, for many leaders, asking for help is seen as a sign of weakness or incompetence. Therefore, they choose not to do it. However, great leaders recognize that interdependence rather than independence is the only way to create order out of chaos. And within interdependence, asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but instead a sign of strength and clarity. By saying “I need your help and input on this problem”, we, as leaders, are role modeling integrity, clarity, and the importance of teamwork. We are also helping others to join with us to create less chaos and a more stable work environment. 

In the beginning, these five choices may seem elementary. However, when they are done together, they are actually an elegant solution to chaos. Because when these five choices converge, we seek unity over uniformity or conformity. We recognize our differences, and at the exact same time period, seek the common good that unites us all. In short, we create time and space where healthy connections and a common direction can bring us together. 

As Arthur Brooks reminds us, “… you can’t choose your feelings, but you can choose your reaction to your feelings.” And when things feel crazy and chaotic, we can choose to respond rather than react, offer clarity with kindness not judgement, be mindful of our inner dialogue, and learn to ask for help. And when this happens, we will be on the pathway to creating order of out of chaos. 

© Geery Howe 2025

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change