A Chaos Of Delight

Introduction

Growing up on the east coast, my high school only offered orchestra as a group music  experience. It was a sedate gathering of musicians who did their best and mostly drove our orchestra teacher/conductor crazy. We were mediocre to just above barely acceptable. 

My journey to becoming a part of the high school orchestra began in sixth grade. At the wonderful age of 12 years old, I was given a trombone because I was a tall, skinny guy with long arms. This was to be my “instrument of choice.” In reality, there wasn’t any choice in the matter. The cool guys got trumpets. I got the trombone. 

As a result of having long arms, I was the only trombone player in the high school orchestra so I got first chair. The music was simple and not very interesting. A matter of fact there were some pieces where I played the same note or phrase 30+ times during the entire piece. In short, the performance bar for the trombone was low and my arms were long. 

Nevertheless, I persisted, and played the trombone all the way into my college years, where the music was more up beat and challenging. Some of the college music was very modern and hard to connect with as I played it. Still, I gave it my best shot. 

On the other hand, my wife grew up in Iowa, and she had fantastic options when it came to music. In particular, she went to a school that had an award winning marching band. This large marching band was highly influenced by the bands that were part of DCI (Drum Corp International) which is a highly stylized and very precise form of marching. 

During the early years of our marriage, I listened to many stories about her marching band years. They had a lot of fun at a level that made my high school orchestra experience seem drab and old fashion, if not boring. I was envious and admired her high caliber, musical skill set. 

When our two sons entered middle school, having listened to their mom’s marching band stories, there was no doubt that they were going out for marching band. And in particular, they each wanted to be a part of the drum line, which is the heart and the soul of the band. With their parents support, they threw themselves into the process of learning the drums. 

One fall, my wife learned that there was going to be a Hawkeye Band Extravaganza at the the University of Iowa. She got tickets for all of us to go to see a large marching band perform. 

On the night of the concert, we went early and got our seats. We listened to the UI concert band perform, which was pretty good and way more exciting than my orchestra days back in high school. We also listened to the UI jazz band which was also quite good. I had not really been exposed to much jazz, but I liked what they played. 

Then, the lights dimmed in the large concert hall and it got very quiet. The announcer came on the overhead speakers and said in a booming, stadium level voice, “Get ready for the University of Iowa Hawkeye Marching Band! Get ready for the boom!” And with that the lights came up, and the drum line came marching down the aisles. The entire audience rose up and went crazy. People were clapping. People were shouting. People were even dancing in their seats.

After the drum line was on stage, in came the trumpets, in came the trombones, in came the tubas. Section after section, the UI marching band stepped forth with pride and glory on to the stage. We were flooded with an amazing sound of triumph and joy. 

The UI marching band was spectacular. Band members sang and danced on stage. Each section was highlighted. When the University of Iowa fight song was played, everyone stood up again, and I am sure our singing briefly lifted the roof off the building. By the time it was all done, we were filled with joy down to the molecular level. Our sons, who had sat on the edge of their seats when they were not clapping, cheering, or singing, were forever going to be marching band enthusiasts, fully committed to the drum line as the be all and end all of the marching band. 

As we exited the concert hall, we discovered the entire marching band was outside in the parking lot continuing the fun that they had started on the stage. Our oldest son turned to my wife and said, “That was amazing!” He then paused and tried to figure out how to define what he had just experienced. “It was organized pandemonium.”  His parents just smiled and agreed. 

For many years after this wonderful family experience, I used the term, organized pandemonium, when describing what happens as an organization starts to execute a new strategic plan. This, in combination with the term, The Trough of Chaos, were very popular with clients. It helped define and explain what was happening, and what they were experiencing. 

It is many decades later now, and I don’t reference the term too often. However, recently while reading a book, I discovered a new term. When Darwin first experienced the Brazilian rain forest, he described it as “a chaos of delight.” The moment I read his words, I stopped and put the book down. I thought back to the experience of the Hawkeye Band Extravaganza and realized something important. For our young teenage sons, it was organized pandemonium. But for their parents and most of the adults gathered there that evening, it was clearly a chaos of delight. A matter of fact, I think our sons now would say the same thing. 

But this new term speaks to me at a deeper level. And as a result, I have begun to ask myself some very important questions:  Where else have I experienced a chaos of delight? What are the key characteristics of these experiences? What are the virtues that I or others carried into these situations to make them so delightful?

Patrick Lencioni in his book, The Ideal Team Player: How to Recognize And Cultivate The Three Essential Virtues (Jossey-Bass, 2016), writes that ideal team players “are humble, hungry, and smart.” As he continues, “I refer to these as virtues because the word virtue is a synonym for the nouns’ quality and asset, but it also connotes the idea of integrity and morality. Humility, which is the most important of the three, is certainly a virtue in the deepest sense of the word. Hunger and people smarts fall more into the quality or asset category. So, the word virtue best captures them all.”

Whether we are hiring new employees, coaching ones who are currently employed, or seeking out a coach or mentor who will cultivate the aforementioned virtues in us, I believe being humble, hungry and people smart are business focused virtues, and to a degree whole life virtues. Still, upon reflection, if we seek to create or participate in a chaos of delight, we need to carry within us three other whole life virtues, namely loving kindness, compassion, and gratitude. I believe these are the foundation for Lencioni’s three virtues and the framework that allows us to be present and mindful during the spectacular moments in life when we get to participate and experience a chaos of delight. 

Loving Kindness

In the beginning, we are all born to love and be loved. This is a truth that all parents and grandparents know on day #1 through to their last dying breathe. Love is the thread that unites, transcends, and connects all life. Love creates kindness, and is a defining first virtue in creating or experiencing a chaos of delight. 

However, “Humans tend to regard chaotic that which they can not control,” write Richard Pascale., Mark Millemann and Linda Gioja in their book, Surfing The Edge of Chaos: The Laws of Nature and the New Laws of Business (Three Rivers Press, 2000). I believe we struggle with chaos, because we do not fully understanding chaos. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines chaos as a state of utter confusion, or a confused mass or mixture. My favorite definition of chaos is the following: the confused unorganized state of primordial matter before the creation of distinct forms. Now that is an amazing definition and truly explains why chaos feels so unsettling and out of control. 

Many people, who experience chaos, end up feeling a deep sense of panic. This happens in part because they feel outside their comfort zone. Here, they tend to lose confidence, clarity, and competence. They also lose the feeling of being connected to others. 

Yet, the presence of a single person, who shows loving kindness in the midst of chaos, can transform the chaos into something else. Sometimes it can even result in a chaos of delight. This realization came to me when I reflected on the birth of our children. 

As first time parents who had read all the books and who had  attended all the birthing classes, the actual birthing experience was overwhelming and intense. It felt chaotic. I get now why it is called labor. It was hard, focused work for the mother and the child. It also was challenging work for this father-to-be, too. Together, parents and child were involved in a transformational experience. 

Still, the presence of loving kindness shown by a single individual can transform and transcend the worry of the unknown, and the confusion of what’s coming next. Their loving kindness calms the feeling of the chaotic, and brings all involved back to the purpose and miracle that is happening. Their loving kindness allows those who are struggling to feel seen, heard, and not judged for feeling like things are chaotic and uncomfortable.  

Instead of feeding our fear and confusion during the experience, the presence of a single individual, who radiates loving kindness, can result in the feeling that we are supported through out the entire process. Their presence also reminds us that we can do this, individually and collectively. We can, each in our own way, bring this new life into the world, step by step, stage by stage. For in this moment of birth, the presence of loving kindness reminds us that in the end, we will be holding a miracle in our arms and experiencing something that can only be felt, not captured fully in words.

As a popular bumper sticker states, kind people are my kind of people. I agree 100%. The people in my life who show loving kindness are the ones who create in me a deep inner peace. They are the ones who make it safe for me to step outside my comfort zone. They are the ones who encourage me to experience the fullness of life. They are the ones who smile and are present to my struggle. They are the ones who create the environment for a chaos of delight to emerge. 

Compassion

As part of the chaos of delight experience, the second virtue these key individuals role model is compassion. The dictionary tells us that compassion literally means to suffer together. It is the feeling that arises when you are confronted with another’s suffering and feel motivated motivated to relieve that suffering. While empathy is focused on our being aware of other people suffering, compassion focuses on our desire to take action to help another person. 

I think back to the two midwives who helped us during the births of our sons. They stayed grounded and centered as we moved through the birthing experience. They suffered together with us, and their ability to be compassionate during the highs and lows of the experience created in us the strength and the focus to move forward, breath by breath, contraction by contraction. 

And when the time came to bring forth these children into the world, they knew exactly what to do and how to do it. They had the technical skills to make it happen, but they also had the emotional literacy to see the suffering and fear start to surface. Then, with clarity of intention, they spoke up and did not let us get lost in the pain. Their actions brought us back to focusing on what we needed to do, namely for my wife to push and for me to help her and support her. We suffered, each in our own way, and they took action to guide us through the transition. 

And each time when that little newborn baby boy was lifted up and placed on his mother’s chest, tears poured down our checks and love filled our hearts. We were blessed and delighted, overwhelmed and in love. We were changed forever, and their loving kindness and compassion during the journey made the beginning a sacred and life changing experience for all involved. 

Gratitude

The third virtue that is part of creating and experiencing a chaos of delight is gratitude. Practicing gratitude is a complex choice. We can choose to be grateful and, at the exact same time, recognize that we need to take care of ourself in the process. Most people define practicing gratitude as a choice to focus on others and to make sure they know we are grateful for them in our lives. While I appreciate this perspective and recognize the profound and deep impact this level of gratitude can have in our life and in another person’s life, I believe we need to be careful that this kind of gratitude does not turn into co-dependency, where I am only grateful and happy if you are happy and grateful that I am grateful for you. 

Instead, I believe the practice of gratitude has to start with self-compassion and self-understanding. When we choose to practice gratitude from a foundation of self-understanding and compassion, we bring purpose back to the core of our being. Then, our practice of gratitude is not an act of giving to get something back as much as a practice of giving unconditionally and with love. 

In the midst of this framework of self-compassion and self-understanding, chaotic times can be challenging, but not debilitating. They can stretch us and even unnerve us. But with a gratitude mindset, we can be thankful for the good things in our life and appreciate the small blessings and miracles that are happening all around us. We can be grateful for the people who are supporting us and being present with us as we move through the chaotic times or experience. 

From this foundation of self-compassion and understanding plus gratitude, we can grasp what the late Irish poet and priest, John O’Donohue wrote: “May we all receive blessing upon blessing. And may we realize our power to bless, heal, and renew one another.” And one of the first blessings is to create space in our lives where the goal is to not get something done as much as to fully experience the moment within which we are living. Along the way, we can be kind to ourselves as we bless, heal, and renew ourself and others. 

The Inner Work

“Recent research has made it ever more clear that emotions, moods, and behaviors are contagious,” writes Christoper Willard, PsyD in his book, How We Grow Through What We Go Through: Self-Compassion Practices For Post-Traumatic Growth (Sounds True, 2022). “Some scientists call this ‘interpersonal neurobiology’; others have studied the ways ‘mirror neurons’ create an emotional give-and-take through thousands of micro expressions revealed in our faces each second. Still others explain this as the collective nervous system that regulates and dysregulates in sync with others, impacting our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. With practice, we can jumpstart the social-engagement system for our connecting and healing, cultivating a ‘neuroception of safety’.” 

When loving kindness, compassion and gratitude converge into one space and time, I believe we experience interpersonal neurobiology and thus the creation of a chaos of delight. My choices in combination with other peoples’ choices generates a positive and contagious, collective nervous system. It is at this point of convergence that the delight surfaces, expands, connects, and heals. Our social engagement also transforms the moment and changes us at the personal level, too. 

Understanding this perspective means that all of my choices and behavior reflect who I am and what I believe.  Parker Palmer in his book, On the Brink of Everything: Grace, Gravity & Getting Old (Berrett-Koehler, 2018), reminds us that “… we haven’t done the inner work required to develop a sense of self that’s grounded in who we are rather than what we do.” He recognizes that by doing our inner work and taping into who we are we create the capacity for a transformational experience to take place. 

Father Richard Rohr notes that “Transformed people transform people.” I would add to this insight that a collective experience, a true chaos of delight, transforms people in the moment and throughout the rest of their lives. In essence, the inner work of finding and living the three, whole life virtues, namely loving kindness, compassion, and gratitude, are the pathway to an outer transformation. They are the beginning, middle, and end to living a deep and meaningful life. 

© Geery Howe 2024

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change

Coaching And Mentoring

Having coached people for many decades, I routinely get asked questions about coaching people. Some want to explore how to do it. Others want to explore why we need to do it. And finally, some just want to explore what is coaching. 

When starting a discussion about what is coaching, I like to reference the definition that Rodd Wagner and James K. Harter use in their book, 12: The Elements of Great Managing (Gallup Press, 2006). As they explain, a coach or mentor is “anyone who, in the eyes of the employee, ensures she successfully navigates the course. The important aspect is not which of many terms this protector goes by - friend, coach, advisor, sponsor, counselor, supporter- but whether the employee feels she is not abandoned inside the business.”

For me, coaching focuses on helping someone not feel “abandoned inside the business,” while mentoring focuses on helping someone not feel “abandoned” in life’s journey. The distinction is subtle but important. As an executive coach, I am hired to coach people in their professional work life. Some days, they ask me to mentor them in their personal life journey. 

However, I know that I am not qualified to help them with their private life. For me, that is the work of highly qualified and experienced therapists, counselors, and psychologists. I can be of support to an individual, but I do not have the background to offer insight or perspective in this area of their life. 

When it comes to coaching and to degree mentoring, I like the way Kevin Cashman defines it in his book, Awakening the Leader Within: A Story of Transformation (John Wiley & Sons, Inc. 2003). He says there are two kinds of coaching, namely transactive coaching which focuses on the transferring of competencies, skills and/or techniques, and transformational coaching which focuses on shifting people's view about themselves, their values, and their sense of purpose. 

From my experience, the movement back and forth from transactive coaching to transformational coaching is pretty seamless. Some days as a coach I just know more about a specific topic than the person I am coaching. At this point, I am more like a teacher than a coach, focused on educating the person about the topic of discussion, sharing both what the research says and my own experience. My goal is to share knowledge in order that the person is more prepared and skillful in handling a particular problem or situation. 

On other days, I am more focused on a person’s mindset than their skill set. Here, I am trying to help them with how they are framing up the problem or situation before them. I am assisting them in seeing the problem or situation from different angles or perspectives. My goal is to help them choose a more holistic world view of what is happening and why. This line of coaching routinely helps people in their willingness and commitment to dealing with a problem or situation. Whether it is coaching related to work or mentoring related to life’s journey, I always approach both of these activities as a structured dialogue and development process to improve their professional or personal competence and understanding in order to help them execute their goals and/or choices. 

Most coaches and mentors do not grasp that many individuals seek out a coach when things have gone crazy or chaotic in their life. I frame this up as coaching by catastrophe with the goal being to get through the chaotic times. This choice helps an individual, but it is situational, and once the person gets to other side, they often stop seeking out this kind of help. 

On the other hand, there is a different way to engage with a coach or a mentor. I frame this up as coaching by intention. The choice is not to fix a problem or to get through a difficult situation. Instead, the choice is to gain insight and perspective before something becomes a problem. The intent is to build an on-going dialogue in order to be prepared before, during, and after any thing surfaces, be it a problem, a chaotic situation, or a total lack of understanding that leaves one confused and struggling. 

As part of this coaching and mentoring by intention, I am reminded of something that  Parker Palmer wrote about in his book, On the Brink of Everything: Grace, Gravity & Getting Old (Berrett-Koehler, 2018). As he pointed out, “Age and experience have taught me that mentoring is not a one-way street. It’s mutuality in which two people evoke the potentials in each other…. Equally important, mentoring gives us a chance to welcome one another into a relationship that honors our vulnerability and our need for each other. Mentoring is a gift exchange in which elders receive at least as much as we give, often more.” Palmer calls this exchange of mentoring as “intergenerational electricity,” a term that I love as I do more mentoring with younger people.

Recognizing that everyone needs more coaching and mentoring in their life, I also am reminded of something a workshop participant told me back in the early 90’s: “Never go to a counselor who does not have a counselor. Everyone has stuff they need to work on, especially the people who coach and counsel others.” 

A long time ago, I encountered a situation in my private life where I was so far outside my comfort zone that I did not know which way was up or down. I was so lost that my wife and I decided to sit down with an older friend of ours who was an experienced counselor. I explained the situation to her and said, “What do I with all of this?” She paused and then replied, “You need to see a counselor who understands this kind of situation. And the minute you think you are done, keep going. There will always be more levels to unpack and work through.” 

And since that time together, I have seen a counselor on a regular basis. It has been the best investment of my time and energy. It also has been a ton of hard work to keep moving forward. As an old client of mine would always say at the end of our coaching visits, “onward and upward!” I still smile because that is how I feel about the work I do with my counselor. 

While I have engaged with a counselor for many decades, which is something that always surprises people when I tell them this, I also actively seek out and connect with my mentors. They offer me new and deeply thought-proving insights too. 

For example, one of my favorite mentors and I were having breakfast together recently when he said it was “nice to grow old with someone much younger.” I just smiled because I never thought of being in my late 60s as being “much younger.” Yet from his vantage point of being 20+ years my senior, I am still early in my learning journey. 

During this particular visit, we were discussing the subject of how to listen to you inner voice, what Howard Thurman called “the sound of the genuine” within us and around us. He pointed out that this kind of listening was “not with your ears.” Instead of thinking of the inner voice as speaking in words and sentences, he explained to me that we need to frame up this kind of listening as something we do with our hearts and spirit. We need to listen to the feeling more than the words. 

The joy for me in this moment of intergenerational electricity was the realization that I would never have come up with this perspective or insight about listening on my own. But through our on-going dialogue, we uncovered this deep truth and realized it as a gift for both of us. 

Coaching and mentoring relationships are life long opportunities for new growth. They are deeply important to restoring clarity in our lives at home and at work. Through this kind of sharing, we are able to live a rich and meaningful life. 

© Geery Howe 2024

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change

The Manner Of The Receiver

A long time ago, Thomas Aquinas (1225-1274), an Italian Dominican friar and priest, wrote the following statement: 

“Whatever is received is received according to the manner of the receiver.” 

I believe that many leaders, and for that matter, many people are focused on sending their message. For them, the message once sent, in what ever form such as spoken, e-mail, text, vlog, etc., equals message received and message understood. I don’t know how many times over the course of my career I have heard a leader say “I told them, but they did not listen.”

At the same time, I do not think most originators of the message, whatever position they are in or whatever season of life they are in, ever think about the manner of the receiver. Instead, they are focused on defining and releasing the message, more than the receiving and understanding of the message on the other end. In short, the spoken word, the written e-mail or a text message, once sent, is done and no longer their responsibility. Then, the sender of the message is on to the next thing on their list. 

However, if they want to be a good communicator, especially a good and effective leader, then the moment after the message is sent becomes very important. This is the moment when they should be even more focused, because this is the moment when success or failure of communication actually happens. 

Yet, we are really fickle people, who rarely pause to give this critical space in communication much thought, let alone time or attention. We merrily move forward believing that we have nailed it when it comes to communication. We perceive ourselves to be brilliant communicators and that everything we say and do makes total sense to everyone around us. Shutter to think that we may have messed up. The message was sent. The problem lies with the receiver rather than the sender. The problem is not with our thinking and sharing. Instead, it is with their attention and interpretation. So, off we go into the wild blue yonder, thinking about the next thing on our list of “to dos.”

But, I have met leaders who do not follow this trajectory. They actually know that speaking and writing, communicating and understanding is, at best, a convoluted process with minimal success, even on our good days. They recognize that just because we said something or wrote something is, by no means of our own effort, actually going to amount to something more than a hill of beans. 

So, these unique leaders do something so small and insignificant that most people miss it. But when they do it and when they do it well, then all involved are impressed. And what do they actually do that separates them from the rest of the pack? They send a message and then ask some simple but deeply profound questions, such as “Does that make sense to you?”, “Do you understand what I am saying?”, or “What do you think about all of this?”.  

In simple terms, they are focused on the message they are sending, and at the exact same time, they are concerned about the manner of the receiver. They want to know what the listener or receiver thinks about it all. They want to know the receiver’s understanding or lack thereof. They want to know because they care that the receiver actually receives the message and understands the message. It is more than just the receiving the sounds of the spoken word or is more than just a message sent back to the sender that said “delivered” or “read.”  The goal is not awareness, but actually understanding. 

Thus, the best communicators, and the best leaders, work hard on their messages and they are focused on the person receiving it. In particular, they are focused on having a relationship with the receiver based on trust, dignity, and respect. They get that this is the first form of communication, and that the second form is speaking, e-mailing, or text messaging. With the former being the beginning, then the later becomes a successful outcome. 

While Thomas Aquinas lived over 750+ years ago, his message transcends time and space. It is a powerful statement and an important insight. It could have been written yesterday, because it so applicable to today’s world. Lucky for us someone wrote it down and then passed it on generation after generation . For us here today, we now have the opportunity to pause, think, reflect, plus learn from this wisdom. 

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change