Introduction
As an executive coach, I listen and share for a living. I listen to hard times, complicated times, and complex times. I listen to problems and challenges. I listen to people who want to think out loud in order to think through what is before them.
The challenge with listening is being present rather than just being quiet. We live in a distracted and noisy world. Our phones, our computers, and all of our other “flat things” can rule our lives and call for our attention. And in the midst of all of this noise, there are good people seeking answers and insights to complex questions.
When you listen and share for a living, you quickly learn that words matter. As Krista Tippett in her book, Becoming Wise: An Inquiry into the Mystery and Art of Living (Penguin Press, 2016), wrote: “I take it as an elemental truth of life that words matter. This is so plain that we can ignore it a thousand times a day. The words we use shape how we understand ourselves, how we interpret the world, how we treat others. From Genesis to the aboriginal songlines of Australia, human beings have forever perceived that naming brings the essence of things into being. The ancient rabbis understood books, texts, the very letters of certain words as living, breathing entities. Words make worlds.”
This is a profound truth. And in the world of leadership, words can create awareness, and they can shape understanding. Words can generate clarity or confusion. Words can create impact, and set precedent. In short, words do make worlds.
And with this understanding about words, I often share stories with my clients. I share stories and lessons I have learned about being an executive coach to many leaders for over 36+ years. I also, when appropriate, will share a story about my own personal journey. I do this because I believe people remember a story more than research or statistics. I also believe we are wired for the sharing stories, and listening to stories. I believe we are built for remembering relationships and stories. Statistics, graphs, charts and research can help, but from my experience, a story is a long term anchor in the midst of change. It is received at the cellular level of our being and integrated more quickly than anything else.
Therefore, the more I coach, the more I find myself sharing a story. It builds perspective. It builds understanding. It builds common ground. And as a result, we realize that we are all travelers moving through a constantly changing and evolving landscape. As Bishop Michael Curry in his book, Love Is The Way: Holding on to Hope in Troubling Times (Avery, 2020), wrote “Stories build bridges between people.”
Standing On Holy Ground
In the aforementioned book by Bishop Michael Curry, he shares, “In the story of Exodus of Moses and the burning bush, Moses heard the voice of God, saying “Take off your shoes, for you’re standing on sacred ground. An old friend of mine once preached on that text, saying that the reason Moses had to take off his shoes was not that the dirt itself was holy, but that the space was made holy because God was about to tell his story. Whenever someone tells their story, you are standing on holy ground.”
The choice to share our stories and to listen to someone’s story is a a powerful choice, and a intimate experience. Years ago, a young teenager shared with me that her mother had taught her the definition of the word “intimacy.” She explained to me that it means “into-me-I-let-you-see.” It is my favorite definition, because this is what happens when we are present to someone who chooses to share their story. We are entering personal, and sometimes private space, to learn and to listen. We are standing on holy ground, a safe space where we can see, and be seen.
After many decades of sharing my stories with others and listening to their stories, I have learned something about people. Some times they are hubs and other times they are bridge builders. Herminia Ibarra in her book, Act Like A Leader, Think Like A Leader (Harvard Business Review Press, 2015), introduced me to this perspective. She writes that leaders who are hubs do the following: set goals for the team, and assign roles and tasks to people. Next, they monitor progress toward goals, manage team member performance, and conduct performance evaluations. Finally, they hold meetings to coordinate work, and create a good climate inside the team. All of these are important to do.
On the other hand, a leader, who is a bridge builder, aligns team goals with organizational priorities, and funnels critical information and resources into the team to ensure progress toward goals. Next, they get the support of key allies outside the team, and enhance the external visibility and reputation of the team. Finally, they give recognition for good performances, and place them in great next assignments.
I agree with Ibarra’s concept about hub leaders and bridge building leaders. I believe a leader needs to know when to be a hub and when to be bridge builder. The choice has short and long term impact as people move through the world of organizational change. If we seek to be more of a bridge building leader, and recognize the role that story telling can play in bridge building, then we need to devote much more of our time to building bridges between diverse people and groups.
Years ago, Kevin Cashman wrote, “Leaders get what they exhibit and what they tolerate.” This is a profound insight, especially when it comes to building bridges and the importance of story telling. Most people only interact with people who are similar to them. Herminia Ibarra calls this “the narcissistic principle of relationship formation.” I believe that for many people in leadership positions it is an unconscious choice, and thus they do not recognize what message they are sending and what behaviors they are tolerating.
However, we can choose a different course of action. We can choose to engage with a wide diversity of people who have different voices, different lifestyles, and different perspectives. It will require us to listen to their stories, not just focus on telling our stories. As Ibarra notes, “… we follow people who inspire us, not people who are merely competent.” And, from my experience, the source of this inspiration happens when people find themselves in safe spaces and with people who they feel are safe and respectful during the sharing of their story. From my experience, these kinds of spaces are holy ground.
To be continued on Tuesday.
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