Right now, life feels very chaotic. People are important decisions. Teams are struggling. And some events feel wildly insane. In the midst of it all, most of us just want some good, old fashion predictability and order.
Now the classic British answer to this kind of situation is to “stay calm and carry on.” And this does work to a point, because most of us want to experience order and stability in our day to day lives. While there is no magic formula, I believe leaders can make five important choices to move themselves, their teams, and their organizations in that direction. It requires some heavy lifting, but if we are strong in mind, body, and spirit, it can be done.
First, we must choose to respond rather than react to all that is happening around us and within us. Leaders, who typically react, start by being the judge, the controller, and/or the know-it-all when crazy times surface. I get these default choices and recognize that they work on some level. However, they do not generate clarity, commitment, or ownership of the problems. They also do not create the solutions that individuals and teams need to execute during hard times. Furthermore, they do not build meaningful levels of trust which can support people to take risks in their thinking or their actions. In short, the above three default choices result in fear or worry which are often the taproot for chaos.
When we choose to respond from the place of discernment, reflection, and then thoughtful decision-making, something different happens. In this way of moving forward, we recognize that thinking, discussing, and contemplation are all valuable steps to creating order out of chaos. Then, when the time comes for participation, practice, and execution, people feel they have been heard and understood. People also feel they have agency to make thoughtful choices rather than knee-jerk reactions.
Second, we must offer clarity with kindness, not judgement. This begins with being respectful, and engaging in active listening when others share their thinking and reflections. In this digital age, this is very difficult to do in part because our attention spans are constantly being interrupted or distracted by news alerts or other reminders. As a result, few people actually focus long enough to speak coherently or listen thoughtfully. Most want to do all their communication by e-mail, text, or a series of emojis. Then, they do not need to have actual inter-personal engagement, which takes take too long and is so complicated.
Still, offering clarity with kindness instead of judgement is a good choice. As part of this choice, we must create time and space to make it happen. We need to create distraction-free, concentration zones so people can relearn how to listen and share. In particular, we need to help people remember and/or experience for the first time the creation of clarity and understanding. They need to move from being unaware to aware, and then, with time, to understanding. This is hard work and offering kindness rather than judgement is a big part of creating the psychological safety to make it happen.
Third, we must build on strengths, our own and others. At first this seems obvious, and yet few leaders truly understand their own strengths. And even fewer can articulate the strengths of their direct reports. I know this because during the last four months, many leaders have discussed with me about what to do with their direct reports who are struggling and/or not meeting expectations. Most of these discussions have revolved around how to coach people in these situations. What fascinates me is that when I ask the question, “What are the strengths of this individual?”, few, if any, can actually articulate these strengths. And I believe, this is the source of the problem.
Marcus Buckingham and Curt Coffman in their seminal work, First, Break All The Rules: What The World’s Greatest Managers Do Differently. (Simon & Schuster, 1999), write: “each individual is true to his or her own unique nature…. great managers capitalize on this and try to help each person become more and more of who they already are.” I have learned over many decades of work that this is no small thing and requires on-going time and attention. For if we seek to build on their strengths, we must help employees understand their strengths, plus help them to learn new skills and knowledge to build on them. It is the combination of both elements that helps people improve.
At the same time, we need to do likewise with our own strengths. Referencing Buckingham and Coffman’s work, they write: “one of the signs of a great manager is their ability is to describe, in detail, the unique talents of each of his or her people - what drives each one, how each one thinks, how each builds relationships.” I think this applies to us as leaders, too. We need to be able to describe these elements about ourselves. Because it is the convergence of both elements, our capacity to understand this about our direct reports and about ourselves that generates effective and creative ways to create order out of chaos.
Fourth, we must be mindful of our inner dialogue. Many years ago, I was working with a head of HR who was very good at his job. His colleagues called him Yoda because of his insights and perspective. On the day we visited about a team leader who was struggling and was not able to get his team to function consistently over time, he turned to me and asked a great question: “What do you think is the story he is telling himself at this time period?”. At that moment, I stopped the analysis of what was happening, and just reflected on this question. Neither of us had chosen to inquire about his inner dialogue. We just had not considered this pathway. Later, when we did, we uncovered a whole new layer of information and solutions that shifted the entire situation.
Since then, I have observed that leaders, who are able to make it through chaotic time periods, are very conscious about their inner dialogue. With trusted allies and confidants, they explore it and share about it, attempting to gain perspective and insights to where they may be missing key information or taking certain pieces of information out of context. They work hard not to tell themselves stories that are not true, or to default to feelings that are not true perceptions of reality. In particular, they reflect deeply on whether or not what they are feeling and thinking is based on facts or an invented story they are telling themselves. In short, they are very mindful of their internal dialogue.
Fifth, we must learn how to ask for help. In the world of leadership, this is not a common choice. Most leaders go it alone and push themselves to always know the answer to every question. They also hold unrealistic expectations about how much they can get done in a single day, week, or month. Routinely, they push past their capacity and then wonder why burnout takes place.
But it does not need to be this way. We can learn how to ask for help. We can come to understand that being a leader does not mean one knows all and does all for everyone else. We can live and work in a manner that is responsible, respectable, and manageable.
Yet, for many leaders, asking for help is seen as a sign of weakness or incompetence. Therefore, they choose not to do it. However, great leaders recognize that interdependence rather than independence is the only way to create order out of chaos. And within interdependence, asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but instead a sign of strength and clarity. By saying “I need your help and input on this problem”, we, as leaders, are role modeling integrity, clarity, and the importance of teamwork. We are also helping others to join with us to create less chaos and a more stable work environment.
In the beginning, these five choices may seem elementary. However, when they are done together, they are actually an elegant solution to chaos. Because when these five choices converge, we seek unity over uniformity or conformity. We recognize our differences, and at the exact same time period, seek the common good that unites us all. In short, we create time and space where healthy connections and a common direction can bring us together.
As Arthur Brooks reminds us, “… you can’t choose your feelings, but you can choose your reaction to your feelings.” And when things feel crazy and chaotic, we can choose to respond rather than react, offer clarity with kindness not judgement, be mindful of our inner dialogue, and learn to ask for help. And when this happens, we will be on the pathway to creating order of out of chaos.
© Geery Howe 2025
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