“We do not teach meditation to the young monks,” explained Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh to American Trappist monk, Thomas Merton in 1966. “They are not ready for it until they stop slamming doors.” The minute I read this statement I thought it could be equally applied to teaching young leaders. (Note: I use the term “young” in reference to the amount of time someone has been in a leadership position, not the specific age of a leader). Until they “stop slamming doors,” they are not ready.
The metaphorical, slamming of doors by young leaders reflects their choice to categorize, fix, and control everything around them. Nine times out of ten, this default choice is focused on people. They categorize their direct reports as broken and/or weak, and then attempt to fix their weaknesses rather than to build on their strengths. They also seek to control all their choices and actions. In essence, they slam the door on their direct report’s ability to change or make progress. Instead, they focus on control and command of all that is happening around them.
The outcome of this choice over time is fear, intimidation, and dominance. This does not generate anything more than a forced movement forward. It also does not create people who are resilient, adaptive, aware, and creative. In short, the door is slammed shut, control is asserted, and status quo is maintained.
Conscious or unconscious, the choice to assert control is based on young leaders being afraid of loosing control and being afraid of change. In particular, they fear the messy unknown elements that happen when they are not in charge. They also fear the judgement of others. So, as a result, they double down on control.
But this slamming of doors and asserting control also reflects what is happening on the inside. As Richard Pascale, Mark Millemann and Linda Gioja in their book, Surfing The Edge of Chaos: The Laws of Nature and the New Laws of Business, (Three Rivers Press, 2000), write, “Humans tend to regard chaotic that which they can not control.” And it is this lack of internal capacity to handle the feelings of chaos that results in a choice to control everything. For at it’s root, I think the feelings of chaos quickly turn into panic and fear. Then, with this kind of internal struggle taking place, control seems like a logical and smart choice.
Nevertheless, if we seek to teach young leaders how to lead and to stop slamming doors, then we need to give them helpful tools that can assist them in keeping the doors open. The first tool is to listen more and speak less. As an Indian yogi once noted, “Before speaking, consider whether it is an improvement upon silence.” When we choose to listen more and speak less, the goal is to better understand what actually is happening, i.e. the root causes and choices taking place, rather than what should be happening.
The second tool is to engage in respectful inquiry. Here, the leader’s goal is to ask questions in order to sense and understand why people are making the choices they are making. We need to be curious in a respectful and non-judgement way. The phrase “tell me more” is a powerful act as a leader. It reflects a desire to better understand what is happening and why it is happening. Then, with this in mind, the leader can co-create solutions with others. This choice empowers all involved to come up with realistic solutions and better choices.
The third tool compliments the first two. When someone listens more and speaks less, and when someone engages in respectful inquiry, they need some concrete statements that counteract the default choice of control. For these I turn to the writings of Canadian author of mystery novels, Louise Penny, whose lead character Chief Inspector Armand Gamache, teaches his direct reports four statements. They are: “I’m sorry,” “I don’t know,” “I need help,” and “I was wrong.”
Each of these four statements is a master class in exceptional leadership, because at the core of these statements is a fundamental choice to focus on shared responsibility for what is happening rather than the choice to focus on creating or maintaining power over people or controlling people. Collectively or individually, each statement shows respect and integrity for another person. They also recognize that more than one person, namely the positional leader, might have the answer or solution to a problem. Finally, each statement reflects the idea that leadership should be about those who are being led more than about the person who is leading.
Young leaders can learn to become better leaders. With the right tools, mindset, and perspective, they can break their default choice of control over others. Yet, in the beginning, they need to stop slamming metaphorical doors and instead keep them open, inviting others to join them in co-creating better solutions and better choices through shared ownership, understanding, and commitment.
© Geery Howe 2024
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