We were visiting by phone one afternoon when he shared with me that he was deeply frustrated. People were coming at him with decisions needing to be made from all corners of the organizations. Some were large and others were quite small. Every one of these decisions took time to make and time to implement.
Furthermore, his team was not as cohesive as he wanted them to be. The trust was good some days and not so good others days. In particular, he was impatient with execution at the team level and with the pace of change happening throughout the company. In short, he was just worn out and feeling overwhelmed.
As he continued to share, I was reminded of something Brene Brown explained in her book, Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience (Random House, 2021). As she wrote, “… human emotions and experiences are layers of biology, biography, behavior, and backstory.” Recognizing this framework, she continues, “We feel stressed when we evaluate environmental demands as beyond our ability to cope successfully. This includes elements of unpredictability, uncontrollability, and feeling overloaded.” As she notes, “Stressful situations cause both physiological (body) and psychological (mind and emotion) reactions.” On the other hand, “Overwhelmed means an extreme level of stress, an emotional and/or cognitive intensity to the point of feeling unable to function…. Feeling stressed and feeling overwhelmed seem to be related to our perception of how we are coping with our current situation and our ability to handle the accompanying emotions.” Jon Kabat-Zinn describes overwhelmed as the all-too-common feeling “that our lives are somehow unfolding faster than the nervous system and psyche are able to manage well.”
For me, the combination of being stressed and overwhelmed is very difficult. I know this on a personal level and on a professional level. I also know this place as an executive coach, having worked with various leaders over numerous decades. I know that the one-two punch of being stressed and overwhelmed is connected to our “biology, biography, behavior, and backstory.” And each part of this can be explored, unpacked, and examined over time. But in the beginning, when we are caught in the middle of it all, it is hard to know where to begin, and what to do. Therefore, I always recommend three choices during this challenging combination.
First, we need to stay open to new ideas and perspectives. Eckhart Tolle explains what happens to us when we are stressed and overwhelmed. As he writes, “The human condition: lost in thought.” And that is what happens. We are lost in our thoughts and our thinking. The overload happens at the cognitive level and at the physical level.
But in the world of leadership, we see it most in the cognitive level. As he continues, “Most people spend their entire life imprisoned within the confines of their own thoughts. They never go beyond a narrow, mind-made, personalized sense of self that is conditioned by the past.” And when events and decisions are unfolding faster than our cognitive system can manage, then we default to past decisions and choices. We are not open to new ideas and perspective. We even default to a sense of self that questions our capacity to lead and even our definition of self.
To truly remain open to new ideas and perspectives, I believe we need to go deep rather than assume we are always right. The pathway to this choice begins when we grasp that the stewardship of stillness creates the resilience of stillness. When we choose to make regular time for inner stillness, namely the reduction of our inner noise through reflection and contemplation, we create resiliency and the capacity to function again in the midst of extreme stress and the constant barrage of incoming information and decisions. As Eckhart Tolle reminds us, “When you lose touch with inner stillness, you lose touch with yourself. When you lose touch with yourself, you lose yourself in the world.” And loosing yourself in the world is exactly what happens when we are stressed and overwhelmed.
Second, we need to keep our heart open. It is too easy to shut down emotionally and socially when we are stressed and overwhelmed. The desire to go into the metaphorical cave and roll the rock across the doorway is a common choice. Yet, if we seek to keep our hearts open, we need to understand two things. First, we can not get through being stressed and overwhelmed without the support and assistance of others. And we need to appreciate and value these relationships if we seek to get to the other side of this challenging combination. Second, we need to show ourselves some grace and self-compassion. As Christopher Willard, PsyD reminds us, “Self-compassion helps us to be okay with the fact that growth and healing happen on different timelines.” And this is critical to keeping an open heart.
Third, we need to re-discover the sacred in the ordinary. “There are two ways to live your life,” writes Albert Einstein. “One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” When we seek to get past being stress and overwhelmed, we must re-discover that many miracles are happening all around us and that the outcomes are always transcendent and restorative.
To live a life where we understand that “everything is a miracle,” we must recognize two things. First, we need to recognize that the opportunity to get older is a gift denied to many people. And that aging always comes with large and small challenges. Second, we need to recognize that as we age, we have the opportunity to mentor those younger and to share the lessons learned from our life’s most challenging experiences. The combination of these two insights provides a framework for recognizing that miracles are all around us. We just have to connect with them and value their gifts. As the poet Mark Nepo reminds us, “Creation is ongoing. The world begins anew each day. This is the miracle that makes not a sound, but which changes everything, if we can. Be quiet enough to feel it happen. When we can participate in this, we gain anew each day.”
So when we are stressed and overwhelmed, we need to stay open to new ideas and perspectives, keep our heart open, and re-discover the sacred in the ordinary. And the best way to do these three things on a regular basis is to follow the advice of the late Irish poet, author and priest, John O’Donohue. As he wrote, “… the deepest things we have inherited have come down to us across the bridges of meaningful conversations.” And this is where we begin again and again. Through the bridge of meaningful conversations, we remember that creation is ongoing and the world begins anew each day. This is happening within us and all around us. We have just to remember and take it all to heart.
© Geery Howe 2024
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