See More Than The Saint’s Pockets

As we move day by day through this holiday season, I am reminded of the following old saying from India: “When a pickpocket meets a saint, all he sees are the saint’s pockets.”

It seems to me that during this current holiday season, there are many days when we just focus on the saint’s pockets. We are surrounded by external sounds and sights. Everything is a blaze of colors and wrapping paper, parties and baking, shopping and gift giving. 

But in the end, are focused on the pockets or the person?

For me, this time of year is all about connections, internal and external. It is a celebration of hope and renewal, love and kindness, compassion and grace, blessings and miracles. 

It is a time when we let go of the dualistic thinking of either/or, and instead embrace the larger understanding of both/and. Here, we find the Real Presence, where the transformation that is hoped for is also experienced. 

I love the lights, the celebrations, the gifts, and the food. I love the coming together of friends and family. But most of all I enjoy the moments when the peace of this season fills the house and the people within it. I also enjoy how the music of the season fills our hearts. When all of this happens, I can see more than just the pockets. I see the whole thing, and know the heart and soul of this special time period. 

As we enter this last full week of 2024, I wish you and your family many blessings, and special connections. I hope you find this time period a transformational experience. I look forward to connecting with you in the New Year!

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change

Clarifying Expectations

Marcus Buckingham and Curt Coffman in their seminal work, First, Break All The Rules: What The World’s Greatest Managers Do Differently. (Simon & Schuster, 1999), write that “Talented employees need great managers. How long he stays and how productive he is while he is there is determined by his relationship with his immediate supervisor.” They continue by pointing out that “the only way to generate enduring profits is to begin by building the kind of work environment that attracts, focuses, and keeps talented employees.” 

In order to create the aforementioned environment, Buckingham and Coffman came up with 12 questions, which are often called the Q12. Today, I want to focus on the first question: “Do I know what is expected of me?” While many leaders and managers need to answer this for themselves, they also need to check whether or not their direct reports are clear about their expectations of them.

Over the course of the last six months, numerous people have visited with me about this subject. Most start with clarifying expectations for their direct reports, and then are wondering if they are having communication issues when they are not met. And to a degree that might be true. However, I believe the problem is that most leaders and managers do not grasp the framework related to setting expectations. 

In the beginning, Buckingham and Coffman define a manager’s key activities as the following: “select a person, set expectations, motivate the person, develop the person.” Thus, after the hiring process has been completed, most leaders and managers go straight to the expectations clarification process. 

However, we need to zoom out before we zoom into this step. Buckingham and Coffman make two key points that impact the clarifying of expectations that most people skipped over in their rush to communicate their expectations. First, “healthy companies need strong bonds to develop between each manager and each employee.” The goal of clarifying expectations is to strengthen the bond between the manager and the employee, not to control the employee or to set them up for failure. 

Second, as they note, “a company should not force every manager to manage his people in exactly the same way. Each manager will, and should, employ his own style.” I think the challenge here is that very few, if any, managers are clear about “their own style.” They didn’t do this level of work and thus their engagement process with employees is wishy-washy at best. 

Once we grasp these two key points, it is time to look at the aforementioned key activities. Clarifying expectations is part of a larger framework. And if you do not grasp the framework, then the singular action of clarifying expectations can be problematic. 

In the book, First, Break All The Rules, the authors expand this framework in greater detail. As they write, “select for talent... Not simply experience, intelligence, or determination; define the right outcomes ... Not the right steps;  focus on strengths ... Not on weaknesses; find the right fit ... Not the next rung on the ladder.”

The critical element in my coaching people on this subject is to not start by clarifying expectations, but to instead focus on defining on the “right outcomes.” As Brene Brown in her book, Dare To Lead: Brave Work, Tough Conversations, Whole Hearts (Random House, 2018), writes, “What does done look like?” I would modify this excellent question to “What do the right outcomes look like when people are successful?” Often what happens in this discussion is that there is not a line of sight from the expectations that have been clarified to the right outcomes that people are held accountable for over time. 

Finally, Buckingham and Coffman offer one more nugget of gold in their book, namely “People don’t change that much. Don’t waste time trying to put in what was left out. Try to draw out what was left in. That is hard enough.” This is a philosophical framework to the whole performance and expectations framework. Even if you can create alignment between expectations and outcomes, one must ultimately develop the person and build on their strengths. 

This week, reflect on the above perspective, and consider rereading this book as you prepare for 2025. There is always more to learn and relearn when it comes to helping people be more successful. 

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change

Stressed and Overwhelmed

We were visiting by phone one afternoon when he shared with me that he was deeply frustrated. People were coming at him with decisions needing to be made from all corners of the organizations. Some were large and others were quite small. Every one of these decisions took time to make and time to implement. 

Furthermore, his team was not as cohesive as he wanted them to be. The trust was good some days and not so good others days. In particular, he was impatient with execution at the team level and with the pace of change happening throughout the company. In short, he was just worn out and feeling overwhelmed. 

As he continued to share, I was reminded of something Brene Brown explained in her book, Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience (Random House, 2021). As she wrote, “… human emotions and experiences are layers of biology, biography, behavior, and backstory.” Recognizing this framework, she continues, “We feel stressed when we evaluate environmental demands as beyond our ability to cope successfully. This includes elements of unpredictability, uncontrollability, and feeling overloaded.” As she notes, “Stressful situations cause both physiological (body) and psychological (mind and emotion) reactions.” On the other hand, “Overwhelmed means an extreme level of stress, an emotional and/or cognitive intensity to the point of feeling unable to function…. Feeling stressed and feeling overwhelmed seem to be related to our perception of how we are coping with our current situation and our ability to handle the accompanying emotions.” Jon Kabat-Zinn describes overwhelmed as the all-too-common feeling “that our lives are somehow unfolding faster than the nervous system and psyche are able to manage well.”

For me, the combination of being stressed and overwhelmed is very difficult. I know this on a personal level and on a professional level. I also know this place as an executive coach, having worked with various leaders over numerous decades. I know that the one-two punch of being stressed and overwhelmed is connected to our “biology, biography, behavior, and backstory.” And each part of this can be explored, unpacked, and examined over time. But in the beginning, when we are caught in the middle of it all, it is hard to know where to begin, and what to do. Therefore, I always recommend three choices during this challenging combination. 

First, we need to stay open to new ideas and perspectives. Eckhart Tolle explains what happens to us when we are stressed and overwhelmed. As he writes, “The human condition: lost in thought.” And that is what happens. We are lost in our thoughts and our thinking. The overload happens at the cognitive level and at the physical level. 

But in the world of leadership, we see it most in the cognitive level. As he continues, “Most people spend their entire life imprisoned within the confines of their own thoughts. They never go beyond a narrow, mind-made, personalized sense of self that is conditioned by the past.” And when events and decisions are unfolding faster than our cognitive system can manage, then we default to past decisions and choices. We are not open to new ideas and perspective. We even default to a sense of self that questions our capacity to lead and even our definition of self. 

To truly remain open to new ideas and perspectives, I believe we need to go deep rather than assume we are always right. The pathway to this choice begins when we grasp that the stewardship of stillness creates the resilience of stillness. When we choose to make regular time for inner stillness, namely the reduction of our inner noise through reflection and contemplation, we create resiliency and the capacity to function again in the midst of extreme stress and the constant barrage of incoming information and decisions. As Eckhart Tolle reminds us, “When you lose touch with inner stillness, you lose touch with yourself. When you lose touch with yourself, you lose yourself in the world.” And loosing yourself in the world is exactly what happens when we are stressed and overwhelmed. 

Second, we need to keep our heart open. It is too easy to shut down emotionally and socially when we are stressed and overwhelmed. The desire to go into the metaphorical cave and roll the rock across the doorway is a common choice. Yet, if we seek to keep our hearts open, we need to understand two things. First, we can not get through being stressed and overwhelmed without the support and assistance of others. And we need to appreciate and value these relationships if we seek to get to the other side of this challenging combination. Second, we need to show ourselves some grace and self-compassion. As Christopher Willard, PsyD reminds us, “Self-compassion helps us to be okay with the fact that growth and healing happen on different timelines.” And this is critical to keeping an open heart. 

Third, we need to re-discover the sacred in the ordinary. “There are two ways to live your life,” writes Albert Einstein. “One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” When we seek to get past being stress and overwhelmed, we must re-discover that many miracles are happening all around us and that the outcomes are always transcendent and restorative. 

To live a life where we understand that “everything is a miracle,” we must recognize two things. First, we need to recognize that the opportunity to get older is a gift denied to many people. And that aging always comes with large and small challenges. Second, we need to recognize that as we age, we have the opportunity to mentor those younger and to share the lessons learned from our life’s most challenging experiences. The combination of these two insights provides a framework for recognizing that miracles are all around us. We just have to connect with them and value their gifts. As the poet Mark Nepo reminds us, “Creation is ongoing. The world begins anew each day. This is the miracle that makes not a sound, but which changes everything, if we can. Be quiet enough to feel it happen. When we can participate in this, we gain anew each day.” 

So when we are stressed and overwhelmed, we need to stay open to new ideas and perspectives, keep our heart open, and re-discover the sacred in the ordinary. And the best way to do these three things on a regular basis is to follow the advice of the late Irish poet, author and priest, John O’Donohue. As he wrote, “… the deepest things we have inherited have come down to us across the bridges of meaningful conversations.” And this is where we begin again and again. Through the bridge of meaningful conversations, we remember that creation is ongoing and the world begins anew each day. This is happening within us and all around us. We have just to remember and take it all to heart. 

© Geery Howe 2024

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change

Stop Slamming Doors

“We do not teach meditation to the young monks,” explained Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh to American Trappist monk, Thomas Merton in 1966. “They are not ready for it until they stop slamming doors.” The minute I read this statement I thought it could be equally applied to teaching young leaders. (Note: I use the term “young” in reference to the amount of time someone has been in a leadership position, not the specific age of a leader). Until they “stop slamming doors,” they are not ready. 

The metaphorical, slamming of doors by young leaders reflects their choice to categorize, fix, and control everything around them. Nine times out of ten, this default choice is focused on people. They categorize their direct reports as broken and/or weak, and then attempt to fix their weaknesses rather than to build on their strengths. They also seek to control all their choices and actions. In essence, they slam the door on their direct report’s ability to change or make progress. Instead, they focus on control and command of all that is happening around them. 

The outcome of this choice over time is fear, intimidation, and dominance. This does not generate anything more than a forced movement forward. It also does not create people who are resilient, adaptive, aware, and creative. In short, the door is slammed shut, control is asserted, and status quo is maintained. 

Conscious or unconscious, the choice to assert control is based on young leaders being afraid of loosing control and being afraid of change. In particular, they fear the messy unknown elements that happen when they are not in charge. They also fear the judgement of others. So, as a result, they double down on control. 

But this slamming of doors and asserting control also reflects what is happening on the inside. As Richard Pascale, Mark Millemann and Linda Gioja in their book, Surfing The Edge of Chaos: The Laws of Nature and the New Laws of Business, (Three Rivers Press, 2000), write, “Humans tend to regard chaotic that which they can not control.” And it is this lack of internal capacity to handle the feelings of chaos that results in a choice to control everything. For at it’s root, I think the feelings of chaos quickly turn into panic and fear. Then, with this kind of internal struggle taking place, control seems like a logical and smart choice. 

Nevertheless, if we seek to teach young leaders how to lead and to stop slamming doors, then we need to give them helpful tools that can assist them in keeping the doors open. The first tool is to listen more and speak less. As an Indian yogi once noted, “Before speaking, consider whether it is an improvement upon silence.” When we choose to listen more and speak less, the goal is to better understand what actually is happening, i.e. the root causes and choices taking place, rather than what should be happening. 

The second tool is to engage in respectful inquiry. Here, the leader’s goal is to ask questions in order to sense and understand why people are making the choices they are making. We need to be curious in a respectful and non-judgement way. The phrase “tell me more” is a powerful act as a leader. It reflects a desire to better understand what is happening and why it is happening. Then, with this in mind, the leader can co-create solutions with others. This choice empowers all involved to come up with realistic solutions and better choices. 

The third tool compliments the first two. When someone listens more and speaks less, and when someone engages in respectful inquiry, they need some concrete statements that counteract the default choice of control. For these I turn to the writings of Canadian author of mystery novels, Louise Penny, whose lead character Chief Inspector Armand Gamache, teaches his direct reports four statements. They are: “I’m sorry,” “I don’t know,” “I need help,” and “I was wrong.” 

Each of these four statements is a master class in exceptional leadership, because at the core of these statements is a fundamental choice to focus on shared responsibility for what is happening rather than the choice to focus on creating or maintaining power over people or controlling people. Collectively or individually, each statement shows respect and integrity for another person. They also recognize that more than one person, namely the positional leader, might have the answer or solution to a problem. Finally, each statement reflects the idea that leadership should be about those who are being led more than about the person who is leading. 

Young leaders can learn to become better leaders. With the right tools, mindset, and perspective, they can break their default choice of control over others. Yet, in the beginning, they need to stop slamming metaphorical doors and instead keep them open, inviting others to join them in co-creating better solutions and better choices through shared ownership, understanding, and commitment. 

© Geery Howe 2024

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change

Wings and Roots

As parents and grandparents, we wish one thing for our children and grandchildren, namely wings and roots. As they get older, we mostly focus on theirs wings, wanting them to fly well as they go out into the world. We want them to do well, and to make a difference. We want them to engage with others and to continue to grow into their best selves. 

What we don’t talk about much with our children and grandchildren are their roots. And I think this is a mistake. When we say “wings and roots,” the roots are as important as the wings. They are the inner process of growth and maturity. They are the foundation from which flight takes place. 

When our sons went off to college, I gave each of them the following advice: “Remember who you are, and where you came from.” This had been shared with me by another father. I thought it was a powerful statement for this important life transition. 

When it comes to flying, I am not worried about our children and grandchildren. There is so much support and encouragement for them to do this. What worries me is that they will forget their roots. And in the process, they will forget who they are. The danger is that they will try to meet everyone else’s definition of who they should be. Their inner clarity will be replaced by others’ unhealthy outer expectations and definitions.

Furthermore, I worry that they will forget where they came from. The focus here is not on the physical location of their home, their community, or their state. Instead, the focus is on remembering something that Linda Hogan (Chickasaw) wrote: “You are the result of the love of thousands.” The author reminds us that where we standing and where we come from happened because of the commitment of so many people. 

In our rush to help others fly, we forget that we drink water from wells we did not dig. We warm ourselves by fires that we did not light. We sit in the shade of trees we did not plant. So much love, effort, and commitment is reflected in our existence. Our generational roots can support us each and every day. 

And it is by drawing on our roots, the generational place from where we came from, that we come to realize that our inner light, our inner spark, our inner clarity is connected to all who have come before us, and to the Divine at all times and in all places. As Father Richard Rohr reminds us, “We cannot attain the presence of God because we’re already totally in the presence of God. What’s absent is awareness. Little do we realize that God is maintaining us in existence with every breath we take. As we take another, it means that God is choosing us now and now and now. We have nothing to attain or even learn. We do, however, need to unlearn some things.”

The convergence of our learning, unlearning and relearning takes place when we remember our roots. And this happens best when we tell our current stories and listen to the stories told by our elders. It is the combination of our individual stories, and our collective stories that creates perspective and understanding. As Father Richard Rohr writes: “Why does a story have such power? Because most of us don’t think abstractly. We live in a world of images and and symbols; that’s what moves us. . . . Each of us is a story. We were created by God as a story waiting to be told, and each of us has to find a way to tell our story. In the telling of it we come to recognize and own ourselves.” 

For me, this is the part that is missing when we wish our children wings and roots. We are not creating adequate time and space for the sharing of stories. We are trying to share at the speed of software and tasks when we need to share at speed of listening and relationships. 

When we create open ended time and space for sharing, listening, plus contemplation and reflection about our stories, we create a deep, cellular memory that we stand on the shoulders of those who came before us. Their strength, their love, their efforts, their commitment, and their sacrifices need to be celebrated and acknowledged. Then, we need to be intentional about how we choose to live our lives moving forward. 

I hope as we look to the coming years that all our children and grandchildren will have wings and roots as they head out into the world. I hope they will learn, unlearn, and relearn how to fly and soar. I hope they will achieve their dreams, hopes, and aspirations. I also hope they will make a positive difference in the world. 

At the exact same time that they are flying, I hope they will remember where they came from, and that they will remember their roots. I hope they will recognize that their ability to fly is directly connected to all their relatives and their relationships with others that came before them. I hope that this tap root is deep, strong, and ever growing. And with this realization, they will grasp what the author of Romans 11:18 was saying when they wrote: “Remember that it is not you that supports the root, but the root that supports you.” 

During this Thanksgiving week and during this coming holiday season, may all our children and grandchildren feel this support, believe in this support, and experience this support as a source of inspiration, love, and strength as they grow, mature, and go out into the world. Life is a journey and each of us needs wings and roots in order to thrive, grow, and live our best life. 

© Geery Howe 2024

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change

True Change

The Law of the Comfort Zone states that “True change does not occur until you step outside your comfort zone.” At first glance, this seems obvious. At second glance, we have the potential to grasp the magnitude of this statement, and to realize the significance of it’s impact. For when we truly step outside our comfort zone, things can feel unstable, crazy, and chaotic. We also can feel bewildered and stressed, lost and overwhelmed. It all happens in an instant, and then we are stunned by the impact of this action. 

When I taught a year long course on leadership and organizational change for 24 years, I often referenced The Law of the Comfort Zone. I explained that when an individual, team, or an organization left their comfort zone, they needed three elements in place in order to transform chaos into a challenge. Those three elements were the support of a team, a strategic perspective, and a safety zone for strategic dialogue. 

For most leaders, the first two elements made sense and, as a result, they often focused on strengthening their teams and creating a shared, strategic mindset. The third element was sometimes considered to be pretty touchy feely. It was often framed up as something nice, but not critical to success. Furthermore, it was perceived as highly abstract. 

Nevertheless, the best leaders I met spent considerable time, energy, and resources to create a safety zone for dialogue. They recognized that psychological safety generated clarity and commitment for the work of change. They also recognized that we need to have a safety zone outside our comfort zone in order to grow, individually, collectively, and as an organization as a whole.

The act of stepping outside our comfort zone is an act of faith, because we do not fully understand the totality of all that is going to happen once we are outside our comfort zone. It also reflects a commitment to change, because once we step outside our comfort zone we, more likely, will encounter what feels like a danger zone and/or the feeling of total chaos. Thus, the goal of every leader is to be mindful of where are our safety zones in order for the magic of true change to take place. 

But within this act of faith, and our desire to find and/or create safety zones, there is a critical element to success. It is the realization that we do not think our way into a new ways of leading, living, and working. Instead, we live our way into a new ways of thinking, feeling and being. By choosing to create safety zones, we are creating new ways of understanding change, which is the foundation for true change. Nevertheless, without the creation of a safety zone for dialogue and reflection, the outcomes of true change can not be fully manifested. 

When I reflect on all the safety zones I have participated in during my career, I am reminded that they are places where people feel safe to take risks, to speak up, to disagree, and to share concerns without the fear of negative repercussions. And within the best safety zones I have witnessed there is trust amongst the participants. Stephen Covey in his book, The 8th Habit: From Effectiveness to Greatness (Free Press, 2004), reminds us that “trust is the fruit of trustworthiness of both people and organization.” It is a verb and a noun, and that “role modeling inspires trust without expecting it.” 

Brene’ Brown in her book, Dare To Lead: Brave Work, Tough Conversations, Whole Hearts (Random House, 2018), notes that “We need to trust to be vulnerable and we need to be vulnerable in order to trust.” This is an important point in the generation of trust and in the creation of a safety zone where people will share ideas and perspectives that they value. And as a result of this sharing, they will make themselves and their ideas vulnerable to another person or persons reactions and actions. 

There is something else that increases psychological safety and the creation of effective safety zones. In the beginning, we as leaders need to be very clear about what we are role modeling and what we are tolerating within a safety zone. For example, if we allow someone to blame or shame another, we are creating a level of toxicity within the safety zone that will cripple the important dialogue that needs to take place. Yet, if we actively invite input and clarify why different perspectives matter, we generate trust and safety. 

We also generate something else, namely confidence. For what most leaders do not recognize is that my personal level of confidence impacts my ability to embrace and create true change. First and foremost, this level of personal confidence reflects the depth of my confidence in myself. And this is emotional as much as mental. I have to learn how to trust and respect myself before I can, to any degree, trust and respect my team. It also has direct impact on my confidence in the process that creates the conditions for true change and any plan to execute those changes. 

At the exact same time, we need to remember the feeling of safety, the capacity to step outside one’s comfort zone, and the ability to grow in the process, all happen on different timelines. It is not a linear process where we step outside our comfort zone, enter a safety zone, share our thoughts and feelings, turn chaos into a challenge, all of which generates personal growth and successful organizational change. True change is not an A-B-C or 1-2-3 step process. Instead, it is the sum of multiple, highly dynamic processes, all interacting at multiple levels and in a multitude of different ways. The outcome of which is true change. 

Herminia Ibarra in her book, Act Like A Leader, Think Like A Leader (Harvard Business Review Press, 2015), writes, “This cycle of acting like a leader and then thinking like a leader - of change from the outside in - creates what I call outsight.” She breaks down outsight into three core actions, namely redefining your job, your network, and yourself. Then, she notes something very important: “When challenged to think beyond their functional speciality and to concern themselves with strategic issues to support the overall business, many managers do not immediately grasp that these are also relational - not just analytical - tasks.” 

And for me this is a critical point to true change and stepping outside one’s comfort zone. It also is a critical point to the creation of safety zones. The work on all these levels is more relational than analytical, and as such, it requires us as leaders to connect with people as people more than just connecting with them as a source of ideas.

In sum, we need to build bridges that generate personal trust, compassion, and hope more than just the sharing of some form of strategic, big picture. When we recognize the importance of people to people connections, we create a place that is safe, trusting, inclusive, and expansive. And this is a foundation for true change outside one’s comfort zone. 

© Geery Howe 2024

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change