She called me on a warm, sunny day, and said: “Geery, I have made a decision. I am going to get some personal counseling about some home issues. Are you okay with that as my executive coach?”
“Completely. I think it is a great idea,” I responded.
“Oh. I thought you would be upset by this choice.”
“No, not at all. We need different people to help us with different problems through out our entire life journey. We don’t ask the roofer to be a piano tuner. And we don’t ask the piano tuner to be a plumber. Nor would we ask the plumber to be an executive coach. So, if you want to access a qualified and experienced counselor or therapist to help you with some personal or family issues, I am 100% behind you. I think it is a great choice.”
“Thanks. Have you ever done something like this in your life?”
“Definitely. One of the best decisions I ever made. And I still see them on a regular basis. Let me tell you why.
First, back in the 90’s, I taught a week long class on how to teach stress management skills at the University of Iowa’s Annual Summer School For Helping Professionals. On the last day, an older counselor came up to me and told me that I had missed one important point. I was surprised, and asked “What?” She replied, “Never go to a counselor who does not have a counselor. Everyone has issues that they need to deal with.” And when she said this, I knew she was right. I did have some issues, and I did need to spend time working on them.
Second, many of us think we have it all together and that everyone else is all messed up. But as the popular bumper sticker states: “Don’t Believe Everything You Think”. Yet, most of us do just this. Thus, we miss new insights and perspectives that an experienced professional can help us with over time. I am most grateful for my counselor as she has opened my eyes to all sorts of misinformation that I grew up believing was true. She also helped me to discover better strategies to dealing with the personal problems I have encountered in my life.
Furthermore, when I think I have it all together and should be done with this level of work, life happens and I realize I have just begun the journey. Then, I am most grateful to have an ally and confidant who can help me. As Chris Germer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and part time lecturer on psychiatry at the Harvard Medical School wrote: “Gratitude is not putting on rose-colored glasses. It’s more like taking off shit-covered glasses.” And often, my counselor helps me understand that I am wearing the shit-covered glasses and thinking it is reality.”
“Those are helpful insights, Geery,” she replied. “So, if I find the right person, what do I do first?”
“Well, I would do three things. First, share deeply. Do not hold back because you are afraid of being judged. Your personal therapist or counselor needs to know that as a leader, you suffer from the burden of confidentiality, and the burden of understanding strategy. You know things about your team and your company that can not be shared and explored in nearly all settings. This knowledge about what choices people are making and what choices the company needs to make is a heavy and challenging burden. It has a price that few understand.
But as you share these professional burdens and their impact on your home life with your counselor, you also need to share your personal burdens. Don’t make this all about work. Work and home issues can become a tangled web of problems. Explore both of them and paint the full picture about who you are and what you are dealing with at this time period. And recognize that your history is as important as your current reality.
Second, be curious. As Einstein wrote: “The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existence.” Ask lots of questions and realize that the answers will evolve over time.
In the beginning, we may not have the language to fully describe what is going on inside or around us, but together, you and your counselor will figure it out. Then, you will decide on what is the best course of action to take. Uncertainty is uncomfortable, but we need to be curious and ask questions. As we both know, awareness is the first step toward understanding, and ultimately to new ways of living and working.
Third, be kind to yourself. Working on our personal issues comes with suffering, and at times, grieving. As Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D. noted, “The expectation that we can be immersed in suffering and loss daily and not be touched by it is unrealistic as expecting to walk through water without getting wet.” Being a leader involves suffering. You have hard choices to make that come with intense short and, at times, long term consequences and pressures. Not everyone is going to like what you do or how you do it. You will feel alone and even lonely. Still, you have to move forward as an individual who leads others and the company.
Many days, all of this stuff follows us home. Our marriages and our families are impacted by our work choices. And many times, the impact is that we become emotionally burned out. Some choose to not deal with this burnout or just become numb to it and to all those arounds us.
Recognizing this, Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D. points out something important about this choice. “Protecting ourselves from loss rather than grieving and healing our losses is one of the major causes of burnout…. We burn out not because we don’t care but because we don’t grieve. We burn out because we have allowed our hearts to become so filled with loss that we have no room left to care.”
Working with an experienced counselor or therapist, we can step by step understand and grieve our losses. Over time, we can restore a sense of wholeness and meaning in our lives. As Remen explains, “… being brave does not mean being unafraid. It often means being afraid and doing it anyway.” Be kind to yourself during this work and be strong . Keep moving forward through it.”
We chatted for a while more about what I shared, and then she scheduled some time with me to talk about some of her work related challenges. After she hung up, I paused, reflected on her choice to do this level of personal work, and was very proud of her. Having the courage to tackle these kinds of issues in the midst of these challenging and uncertain times was an act of bravery and integrity. It reminded me of something Maya Angelou wrote many years ago:“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” And on this warm and sunny day, she had taken that first step and chosen not to be reduce or diminished by her challenges. The path forward will require a lot of work, but it was a good choice and over time, the outcomes from it will be transformative on so many levels.
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