To transform our grief and loss into a new sense of hope about the future, we need to do three specific things writes Brene’ Brown in in her book, Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience (Random House, 2021). “We experience hope when:
1. We have the ability to set realistic goals (I know where I want to go).
2. We are able to figure out how to achieve this goal, including the ability to stay flexible and develop alternative pathways (I know how to get there, I’m persistent, and I can tolerate disappointment, and try new paths again and again).
3. We have agency - we believe in ourselves (I can do this!).”
The above three specific things can transform our grief into hope. From my vantage point, I believe the goal setting process is a multi-stage process rather than a binary action of setting a goal and executing a goal. The first step to setting a goal is to realize that it is a process of “disciplined optimism,” referencing the writing of the late Colin Powell. And that preparing to set a goal is as important as setting the goal. We need to have the time and the space to think clearly about where we want to go and how to achieve it. Feeling rushed to set a goal never creates an effective goal.
Second, once we have set a goal, I believe we forget that achieving a goal often takes us outside our comfort zone. In a place where things may feel chaotic or challenging, we will always want to stay within our safety zone in order for growth or change to happen. Many people do not spend enough time thinking about support and feeling safe as they seek to make their goal become reality. And, as a result, they often stumble, fall, or end up feeling vulnerable to such a degree that they abandon their goal or goals.
Third, recognizing that many people do not prepare for difficulties, they also do not recognize that executing a goal takes time and energy. “Real change requires real effort,” notes Marshall Goldsmith and Kelly Goldsmith in their article called “Helping People Achieve Their Goals” in the Winter 2006 issue of Leader to Leader magazine. And many of the goals we set have to be achieved while we keep up with everything else we are currently doing. If we seek to be successful, then we are going to need to prioritize and possibly stop doing certain things in order to have the time, the space, and the energy to achieve our new goal.
Fourth, problems will always arise, and alternative pathways to achieving a goal may need to be taken. However, if someone believes in themselves and has an infrastructure that will support them as they move forward, i.e. time and space to safely evaluate their choices and options, then persistence rather than defeat or hopelessness can guide their way. The key is to build this infrastructure of support, and to make time for reflection before we move forward in transforming our grief and struggles into hope and optimism.
“We need hope like we need air,” writes Brene’ Brown. “To live without hope is to risk suffocating on hopelessness and despair, risk being crushed by the belief that there is no way out of what is holding us back, not way to get to what we desperately need.” On-going pandemic grief and anxiety can overwhelm, and even crush us. It invades our mindset, creating self-blame and negativity.
However, hope also can be learned, and experienced. As the old parent adage goes, “prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child.” And one step toward hope during this stage of the pandemic journey is to focus on being well prepared. We can build a better infrastructure of support, and find more allies and confidents who can stand up and support us during our times of struggle, vulnerability, and pain. We can set goals and work on them, even if they are micro goals for a single day. And we can treat ourself with love and compassion.
For on any given day, each of us is doing the best we can with the tools we have. Some days we do well and other days we struggle. Still, let us remember the sage advice of Brene’ Brown in the aforementioned book: “We are the mapmakers and the travelers.” As we prepare for the coming 12 - 18 months of continued challenges and struggles of this time period, let us map out a new and better future. And then find people to travel with us as we take each day step by step.
© Geery Howe 2023
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