Introduction
“How do we stay close to what matters in a daily way in the midst of so many detours and distractions?,” writes the poet Mark Nepo in his book, The Fifth Season: Creativity in the Second Half of Life (St. Martin’s Essential, 2025). “Three essential ways come to mind. We stay close to what matters by remaining wholehearted, by clearing the confusion that constantly visits us, and by quieting the voices of lack that hoard what we have and compare what we don’t to all that is around us.”
Staying close to what matters the most on a daily basis is a life long challenge. We regularly get distracted and interrupted, which often leads to detours and rabbit holes. And when we get to the other side of managing all these details and engaging in problem solving related to the details, we often feel worn, overwhelmed, and deeply frustrated. Then, when this pattern is repeated, day after day, week after week, month after month, we loose sight of what really matters most, and succumb to a life of being busy and depleted.
So, when Nepo encourages us to “stay close to what matters by remaining wholehearted,” I understand the importance of this choice, and yet, at times, I struggle with how to do this. I also struggle with the fact that there are days when I have lost the memory of what it feels like to stay close to what matters most. Still, all is not lost or hopeless. My intent is still strong. I just know I need to be more consistent and disciplined in my choices.
Remaining Wholehearted
My first choice is “stay close to what matters by remaining wholehearted.” I think this is vitally important and very hard to do, because being wholehearted means to be devoted, determined and enthusiastic in life’s journey. When I think about being wholehearted, I am reminded of the work of Jungian psychoanalyst, James Hollis, Ph.D. As he wrote: “No matter how well intended we begin, sooner or later we all spend good portions of this journey stumbling through savannas of suffering, where in we nonetheless find tasks that, when addressed - even in those dismal, diminishing circumstances - enlarge us. Going through suffering, rather than denying or anesthetizing it, knowing that if we hang in there, it will bring us choices that can either enlarge us or diminish us, and that when we are least in control, we still retain the freedom of choosing what matters to us.”
The act of “stumbling through savannas of suffering” requires us to make important choices. Some of those choices may feel diminishing, and others will be enlarging. But, in the beginning, life is less about making things orderly and under control, and more about alignment, the convergence of intention, clarity, and heart. When we choose to put our whole heart into living, and also give ourselves permission to keep learning and growing, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, we stay close to what matters, even when we stumble into a savanna of suffering.
Clearing The Confusion
My second choice is “clearing the confusion that constantly visits us.” On the surface, this seems like an easy course of action, but I have come to understand that the act of clearing takes time, patience, and perspective. And given current events, our digital lives create a wide variety of cognitively demanding, wildly time absorbing, logistical tasks that do not generate quality living or quality outcomes.
When talking with a young person about life’s challenges, she shared that many people are focused on “grindset, not mindset.” I had never heard this term, grindset, before, and through listing and reading, I learned that it is an unwavering focus on achieving goals through intense, relentless work, often at the expense of other aspects of life. Furthermore, it is a mentality that glories constant work, and is driven by the belief that success is solely achieved through dedication and effort. While it can be associated with positive traits like hard work and discipline, a grindset mentality can have negative consequences, leading to burnout, anxiety, and strained relationships.
When I understood the meaning of the term, I realized that I had been caught in this cycle numerous times in my life journey, and that I had met many people, particularly those in leadership and management positions, who defined life as one big check list that needed to be done. And while they got lots done, they also paid a heavy price in terms of relationships, marriages, and health. In basic terms, they won at work, and lost at life.
Yet, clearing the confusion that constantly visits us is still important. “In the absence of ‘wake-up calls’,” writes the late Stephen Covey, “many of us never really confront the critical issues of life. Instead of looking for deep chronic causes, we look for quick fix Band-Aids and aspirin to treat the acute pain. Fortified by temporary relief, we get busier and busier doing ‘good’ things and never even stop to ask ourselves if what we’re doing what really matters most.” And this is why, we need a network of support people in our lives who will listen carefully, and share openly so we can regain perspective about our choices and our overall mindset.
Again, I turn to the poet Mark Nepo, who shares an important point about regaining perspective. As he explains, “Being ready centers on the foundational ground we stand on and the clarity of view we meet a situation with. We often mistake being prepared for being ready, through the process of getting prepared can be the exercise by which we ready ourselves inwardly to meet any situation…. In life and love and in meeting our suffering, we need both - to be prepared and to be ready. To be prepared is to know how to step. To be ready is to see where to step. To be prepared is to know how to pick up what is broken. To be ready is to have a some sense of how the pieces go back together. To be prepared is to make a schedule. To be ready is to lean into the day with an open heart when the schedule is lost in the rain.” And, as we all know, life always has it’s rainy days, no matter what we do.
Quieting the Voices
My third choice relates to “quieting the voices of lack that hoard what we have and compare what we don’t to all that is around us.” All day and every day, we are talking to ourselves about what is happening around us and within us. This inner dialogue can be helpful, and it can be hurtful.
What I have discovered from coaching people, and from being coached and supported by other people, is that our inner dialogue is often focused on self-criticism and self-judgement. We are mad that things are not going “right,” or that we are not getting our fair share. So, we direct this anger inward. Sometimes, we direct it outward, too. As a result, we have so much anger within us, and so little compassion for ourselves and others.
This on-going diet of internal criticism blinds us to see what is actually going right, and where small acts of progress are taking place. It also prevents us from understanding what triggered us in the first place, and what caused us to get lost in an internal trough of chaos.
When this happens, we need to engage in meta-awareness, namely we need to be aware of our awareness. When we do not quiet the voices of lack, we find ourselves in a world that can feel threatening and overwhelming. And as a result, we typically respond in four ways, namely to fight, flee, freeze, or faint/flop. Each of these normal stress responses are useful coping strategies. They keep us alive through the difficulties we are dealing with at this time period. However, they are all default responses.
Once we are aware of how we are responding to life, we can then ask ourselves two important questions: Is this the best response given the circumstances before me? Is my response hindering my ability to lead with clarity and integrity? By deploying our meta-awareness, we can thoughtfully and mindfully choose how to respond rather than react reflexively and unconsciously.
As Brene’ Brown in her book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead ( Avery, 2012), reminds us: “What we know matters, but who we are matters more. Being rather than knowing requires showing up and letting ourselves be seen. It requires us to dare greatly, to be vulnerable. The first step of that journey is understanding where we are, what we’re up against, and where we need to go.” Through engaging our meta-awareness, we create time for recovery, resiliency, and the capacity to past the voices of fear, shame, and frustration. In short, we discover the pathway to staying close to what matters most.
A Monumental Shift In Consciousness
“Life is not about you; you are about life,” writes Franciscan friar and ecumenical teacher, Father Richard Rohr. “You are an instance of a universal, and even eternal, patterns. Life is living itself in you. This realization is an earthquake in the brain, a hurricane in the heart, a Copernican revolution in the mind, and a monumental shift in consciousness.” And if we are to stay close to what matters most in our life, we need to embrace this insight, and engage in a monumental shift in consciousness
This begins with the aforementioned three essential ways, but also expands to include more time and space in our lives to create and experience more moments of sharing and dialogue. For when we choose to make this a priority, we create room for inner growth, personal clarity, and deeper connections. As executive coach, Lindsay Leahy in her book, Take It All Apart: How to Live, Lead, and Work with Intention (River Grove Books, 2024), notes, “In its simplest form, connection is full presence and engagement. It’s what we experience when our heart, mind, body, and spirit are together and fully focused on where we are and what we are doing in the present moment.”
With deeper connections and inner alignment, we comprehend the wisdom the Dalai Lama shared years: “A change in heart is always a change of mind.” The authors of the I-Ching, an ancient Chinese book that provides guidance and wisdom for navigating life’s challenges, understood this perspective when they wrote: “No revolution in outer things is possible without prior revolution in one’s inner way of being. Whatever change you aspire to . . . must be preceded by a change in heart” - I Ching Hexagram 49.
For when we change our own heart, we also learn one more important lesson, namely “Del be del rah dareh,” which is a Farsi expression that means “Our hearts have pathways to one another.” We are all connected. And we are all part of something greater than us, even if it is not visible to us. For in the beginning, middle, and end, we are all a part of the universal and eternal pattern of life. And by staying close to what matters most, we are discovering the sacred within the ordinary, and are blessed because of this shift in consciousness.
© Geery Howe 2026
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