Herding Butterflies - part #1

Introduction

There is so much change happening right now. It feels overwhelming and chaotic. Some people like it, and some people do not. Whichever the case, most people are trying hard to think carefully and thoughtfully about how to respond. As I listen to leaders talk about this time period, I am reminded of the phrase, “herding butterflies,” referencing the work of Richard Pascale, Mark Millemann and Linda Gioja in their fascinating book, Surfing The Edge of Chaos: The Laws of Nature and the New Laws of Business, (Three Rivers Press, 2000).

For me, it just feels like we are moving through the early stages of a mammoth Trough Of Chaos. Now, some will call it a Grand Canyon of Crazy or a Long Valley of the Absurd. I have even heard it called the Pit of Despair and the Valley of Bewilderment. Whichever the metaphor, we must remember that the Trough Of Chaos is normal. And what everyone wants in the midst of it is more predictability. They also want all their plans to actually work. They even want all their goals to be executed in a timely and efficient manner. Yet, we know on one level, even if we don’t want to admit this, that this is a day dream at best, and more likely a nightmare at worse. 

So, what do we need to do when we feel like we are herding butterflies in the midst of a tornado?

The Preservation Stage

First, we need to understand the early stages of a trough of chaos. As events unfold, people will react in normal ways to all that is happening. This will take the form of two things happening at the same time, namely denial and lack of orientation. Denial is a defense mechanism that people use to protect themselves from the reality of loss or hardship. When combined with a lack of orientation, namely no idea where the organization is going or where everything else is going, the whole goal of this response is to preserve a past definition of success and the comfort that came with it. In short, by ignoring the signs that the past is over, people are able to retain a sense of control, predictability, and order in their lives at work. 

When I was called in to figure why an organization was struggling, I discovered common patterns when an organization had entered a trough of chaos. First, I often observed a level of senior management isolation from front line challenges. I also discovered that the strategic nexus was not part of strategic or operational decision making, and that there was no clear understanding by key leaders in the organization of the trends that were transforming the organization. Next, I found midlevel management lacking a strategic mindset, and a lack of ownership for the current strategic plan. I also found that there were no clear 90 day plans and no understanding of the current strategic priorities. Furthermore, there was no time for creative thought, reflection, or dialogue, because everyone was so busy managing the chaos of the day to day operations. In short, operational compliance and chaos reduction was the only choice people made as they sought to maintain status quo. 

Now, many leaders respond to this situation by explaining away the choices others are making. They say that everything is just “temporary.” Then, they choose to amplify the positive and attempt to put a spin on the data they are receiving. They even go so far as to blame external factors for current setbacks or struggles. Few of these leaders accept responsibility. Instead, they choose to ignore the uncomfortable reality that things are not going as well as they had hoped they would be. 

However, there are people in leadership positions who do not choose denial or externalization as a response to the aforementioned signs that things have gotten stuck in a trough of chaos. These leaders do not accept chronic inconsistency in performance outcomes. Instead, they choose to engage in strategic reflection and dialogue. They pause and clarify the current reality in order to make thoughtful choices rather than panicked responses to uncomfortable information. 

A Focusing Strategy

These thoughtful choices fall into four specific forms of leadership. First, leaders offer direction. This can come in two forms. One, it can be defining the strategic direction and/or intent of the company in the midst of all that is happening. Two, it can be defining what needs to happen operationally on a day to day basis in order to keep everyone focused on what’s most important. 

Second, leaders engage in sharing key information. When people are in a trough of chaos, they routine experience a level of cognitive dissonance, because what they believe should be happening and what is actually happening don’t line up. Sometimes this happens because there is some degree of hubris born of past success. If this is the case, more likely the leader has an understanding of the why factor which drives them to think change is the best option given current events. However, everyone else is totally clueless. 

Third, along with giving direction and sharing more information, these leaders focus on structure. Again, this can come in two different forms. One form is to focus on the table of organization or the TO and determine whether or not the right people are reporting to the right people in order to make change happen effectively. The other form is to determine if the performance management system, i.e. the translation of strategy into goals, is actually working as designed. From my experience, this is rarely the case. 

Fourth, these leaders focus on prioritizing the work that needs to get done. Here, we recognize that some things are important and other things are urgent. The goal is to focus on the things that are both urgent and important, making sure that these priorities are not forgotten in the midst of busy and chaotic work. The sum of these four actions, directing, telling, structuring, and prioritizing, will always result in movement, and if repeated enough over time, all involved will gain a deeper and more holistic understanding of what is talking place and why it needs to take. 

To assist in gaining this greater and holistic understanding, leaders need to engage in strategic dialogue around some critical questions. The five questions I often recommended as a consultant came from the following book: Drucker, Peter, Frances Hesselbein, and Joan Snyder Kuhl. Peter Drucker’s Five Most Important Questions: Enduring Wisdom for Today’s Leaders (Wiley, 2015). Theses were the five questions: “What is our mission? Who is our customer? What does the customer value? What are our results? What is our plan?”. Over time, I have found that these five questions generate a solid level of sharing and often new perspectives and insights. 

The Deer In The Headlights Zone

The outcome of this work during the trough of chaos is that many people end up in a place I like to call the deer in the headlights zone. Once they realize that change is going to happen, whether they like it or not, and once they realize that they themselves will need to change how they work on a day to day basis, they often display the behaviors related to shock, fear, and a degree of just being baffled by it all.  Even though the leader has been telling them all along, they stayed in denial until it finally sunk it. They, in essence, moved from unaware to aware, and to some degree of understanding. 

At this point, I refer leaders to the work of the late William Bridges, who noted that change management and transition management are two different things. Change management is focused on outcomes and new beginnings. Transition management, on the other hand, is focused on the internal and emotional process people experience during change. 

From Bridges’ perspective, a transition starts with an ending and finishes with a new beginning. Those involved have to let go of their old ways of working, and deal with the related losses that come with this choice. In essence, Bridges recognizes that change is psychological, not just intellectual. 

With this framework in mind, Bridges points out that during transitions people need the following four things. First, they need to understand the why behind the changes, i.e. purpose. Second, they need to have a picture of what the other side of the trough of chaos is going to look and feel like when they get there. Third, they need a plan that articulates the step-by step goals of how to get to the picture. Fourth, they need clarity about their role in the process, i.e. their part.

When I have worked with a group, who is struggling in the deer in the headlights zone, having a clear sense of purpose, picture, plan and part makes a profound difference in moving through the challenges before them. I also have encouraged leaders to create 30 day plans that generate micro wins, i.e. signs of making progress toward the desired outcome, and to actively engage in positive reinforcement. The goal is to support all involved, reinforce new behavioral choices, and to show you care about people as they struggle forward. 

To be continued on Tuesday. 

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change

The Inner Trough of Chaos

During organizational change, there is an 18+ month period that I like to call the “trough of chaos.” Here, we encounter normal responses to change such as denial, resistance, acceptance, exploration, and commitment. And during these common human reactions, leaders help people by clarifying direction, defining priorities, coaching, collaborating, and delegating. The overall goal is to end up on the other side of the trough of chaos with a team that is committed to moving forward, sees the big picture, and understands it. We also want a team that takes responsibility for next steps, and generates the desired outcomes in an effective and efficient manner. In short, all parties, leaders and followers, feel empowered, engaged, and energized to continue moving forward. 

However, for many people in leadership positions, the focus on the outer elements of the trough of chaos does not acknowledge something else that often takes place. Many leaders, who are helping others move through the trough of chaos, find themselves experiencing an inner trough of chaos. On the outside, these people are leading, while on the inside they are worried, worn, and struggling deeply with their own internal process. Most people don’t see this struggle, and most leaders don’t talk about it. 

As a long time executive coach, I routinely see it and hear about it. l listen to their inner dialogue. I see the pain, the anguish, and the doubt about what to do and how to do it. I witness their journey over time, and know the depth of this struggle. 

For many leaders, this inner trough of chaos happens on two different levels. First, they feel overwhelmed with the data points that are indicating that everyone needs to move faster. Second, they are overwhelmed with the diversity and magnitude of different peoples’ reactions to change. The combination of these two levels results in leaders choosing a conquer and control response to everything and everyone around them. Very few choose a different pathway, namely a connections and clarity response. Over time, the former generates a profound level of personal burn-out and cynicism about people and change. However, the later generates movement through their inner trough of chaos. 

The Importance of Meta-Awareness

On many levels, the inner trough of chaos is just the same as the outer, organizational trough of chaos. It includes the same stages and same reactions. The difficulty is that many leaders do not have a leader who is leading them through their inner trough of chaos. This is why the best leaders have executive coaches, confidants, and mentors who assist them in their internal work. 

From my experience, the first step in this inner journey is to acknowledge that you are experiencing an inner trough of chaos. Acceptance is a good beginning. And yet, few leaders are willing to admit to it, because they believe it is a sign of weakness. I routinely point out that over time, denial is not an effective coping system. When we choose to accept that we are struggling, we then can begin to change the struggle.  

The second step is to explore our internal dialogue about what is happening. All day and every day, we are talking to ourselves about what is happening around us and within us. This inner dialogue can be helpful, and it can be hurtful. What I have discovered from coaching people is that this inner dialogue is often focused on self-criticism and self-judgement. We are mad that things are not going “right” so we direct this anger inward. Sometimes, we direct it outward, too. 

This on-going diet of internal criticism blinds us to see what is actually going right and where small acts of progress are taking place. It also prevents us from understanding what triggered us in the first place, and what caused us to get lost in an internal trough of chaos. When this happens, we need to engage in meta-awareness, namely we need to be aware of our awareness. 

For example, when we find ourselves in an inner trough of chaos, the world around us and within us can feel threatening and overwhelming. And as a result, we typically respond in four ways, namely fight, flee, freeze, or faint/flop. Each of these normal stress responses are useful coping strategies. They keep us alive through the difficulties we are dealing with at this time period. However, they are all default responses.  

Once we are aware of how we are responding to the inner trough of chaos, we can then ask ourselves two important questions: Is this the best response given the circumstances before me? Is my response hindering my ability to lead with clarity and integrity? By deploying our meta-awareness, we can thoughtfully and mindfully choose how to respond rather than react reflexively and unconsciously. In short, we can discern the difference between the inner trough of chaos as a time period of danger, and then begin to reframe it as a time period of transformation. Thus, over time, our meta-awareness creates resiliency rather than more fear, shame, and frustration. 

Expand Your Support Network

As we do this reframing process, we need to find and build new connections. In a company that is engaged in organizational change, a struggling leader could turn to the Human Resources Department for tools, insights, assistance, and perspective. The members of this team can help on so many different levels and in so many creative and effective ways. Yet, many leaders, who are struggling internally, often do not turn to their corporate HR for assistance. They feel ashamed and embarrassed that they are struggling. This is why an expansion of their support network is so important. By the way, the best HR departments I have witnessed actually should be called the Human Resources & Connections Department. For it is the combination of the two that yields results. 

But the question I so routinely get asked is “Where do I find these connections?” And my answer is “everywhere.” More specifically, we need to turn to relationships that will help us to understand and better discern this internal process. These kinds of people give us connective advantage, referencing the work of Hermina Ibara in her book, Act Like A Leader, Think Like A Leader (Harvard Business Review Press, 2015). These individuals help you find and access resources, expertise, and ideas which can assist you in reframing the internal process. As another consultant shared with me years ago, we need to “be around people who are good for your soul.”

As we expand our support network, we need to remember the insight shared by Christoper Willard, PsyD in his book, How We Grow Through What We Go Through: Self-Compassion Practices For Post-Traumatic Growth ( Sounds True, 2022). As he explains, “Recent research has made it ever more clear that emotions, moods, and behaviors are contagious. Some scientists call this ‘interpersonal neurobiology’; others have studied the ways ‘mirror neurons’ create an emotional give-and-take through thousands of micro expressions revealed in our faces each second. Still others explain this as the collective nervous system that regulates and dysregulates in sync with others, impacting our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. With practice, we can jumpstart the social-engagement system for our connecting and healing, cultivating a ‘neuroception of safety’.” An expanded support network helps our interpersonal neurobiology and cultivates the ‘neuroception of safety. All of which can make a major difference when we are moving through an inner trough of chaos. 

For me, the late Irish poet and priest John O’Donohue summarized it best when we wrote: “In these times of greed and externality, there is such unusual beauty in having friends who practice profound faithfulness to us, praying for us each day without our ever knowing or remembering it. There are often lonesome frontiers we could never endure or cross without the inner sheltering of these friends. It is hard to live a true life that endeavors to be faithful to its own calling and not become haunted by the ghosts of negativity; therefore, it is not a luxury to have such friends; it is necessary.” Expanding one’s support network is necessary when working through an inner trough of chaos. 

Define Boundaries

Many leaders suffer with co-dependency. When this surfaces during an organizational trough of chaos, and is accompanied by an inner trough of chaos, this can result in some unhealthy choices and behaviors. For example, these leaders often funnel all their time and energy into supporting everyone else without making time or space to consider what they need for themselves. This choice also can include a variety of controlling type behaviors, unhealthy levels of self-sacrifice, and a deep fear of being rejected for the choices they are making. In short, their self-esteem, confidence, and clarity are all determined by whether or not people like them and whether change is happening in a positive and efficient manner. 

However, change on the outside and on the inside is rarely efficient or totally positive. Furthermore, most people resist change, because it often includes a loss of clarity, control, connections, and confidence. In simple terms, for most people change begins with an ending rather than a new beginning. And when a leader experiences the convergence of an organizational trough of chaos plus an inner trough of chaos, they end up pendulum swinging between hopelessness and low self-esteem. They also end up needing to control everything and everyone around them in order to create some degree of order and predictability in their life. 

This is why leaders, who are experiencing an inner trough of chaos, need to define and establish boundaries. By setting these boundaries, they begin to communicate their needs and limits to those around them. It also protects their well-being by preventing burnout, which can help in managing stress, and fostering healthier relationships. As executive coach Kevin Cashman wrote years ago, “Leaders get what they exhibit and what they tolerate.” Defining boundaries helps determine what is and what is not okay in a relationship, and in the ways we work through change. 

“Boundaries empower us,” writes Christopher Willard, PsyD in the aforementioned book. “Not as a power over others, in a power from others. We become empowered with the choice to decide how much power other people, places, and things hold in our lives. In turn, we can choose how much they influence and impact our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. We begin to approach the world in a new way, with confidence and compassion, focusing on the potential, power, and relief it can bring.” 

When we are struggling, defining and maintaining boundaries are important. In specific, we need to clearly define when it is time to work and when it is time to recover from work. We need to make time for self and family. We also need to make time for faith and friends. By defining these time periods and maintaining these time periods, we can approach all that is happening on the inside and on the outside of our life with more confidence and self-compassion. Then, we will be better able to lead and empower ourselves and others to move through the trough of chaos. In short, we can reclaim a life of wholeness rather than a life divided. 

Practice More Self-Compassion

Next, as we move through the inner trough of chaos, we will need to practice self-compassion, i.e being kind and understanding towards ourself in the midst of our struggles. Rather than getting caught up in self-judgement, co-dependence, self-criticism, and a tendency towards isolation, we need to be more mindful of how we are feeling and acknowledge the reality that we struggling in spite of all we are trying to do and get done. To do this, it will involve both inner growth and inner healing. 

However, as Christopher Willard, PsyD reminds us, “Self-compassion helps us to be okay with the fact that growth and healing happen on different timelines.” Therefore, we will need to grow a new perspective on how to live and lead. We also will need to heal from the tyranny of past choices and experiences. 

Associate professor in the University of Texas at Austin’s department of educational psychology and pioneer in the study of self-compassion, Kristin Neff, Ph.D. wrote, “We can’t heal what we can’t feel.”  So, part of the work requires us to reclaim our EQ, not just expand our IQ. This will involve having a greater depth of emotional literacy. For that, I always recommend reading the following book: Brown, Brene’, Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience (Random House, 2021). As Brown notes, “Without understanding how our feelings, thoughts, and behaviors work together, it’s almost impossible to find our way back to ourselves and each other. When we don’t understand how our emotions shape our thoughts and decisions, we become disembodied from our own experiences and disconnected from each other.”

At the same time, I am reminded of something related to growing and healing that  Christopher Willard, PsyD. explained: “A full life is both/and, not either/or, and too often we assume things are one way or another, when they are in fact multifaceted, multi-determined, and complex. To paraphrase ideas that make the rounds online: You can be grateful and still need more for yourself. You can be resilient and still need rest. You can be fiercely independent and still need and want others. You can be certain and still change your mind. You can be caring and compassionate toward yourself without feeling guilty. You can be kind and generous and still say no and set boundaries, knowing that sometimes saying no itself is an act of generosity. You can have done your best in the past, yet since that time, you might have learned new ways of doing things. Finally, other people may have problems and pain, but yours still matter. You can be courageous and still be scared of doing something - yet you can do it anyway.” The practice of self-compassion may be scary and hard, but with courage and a healthy network of support people we can move forward through the difficulties before us and find a new way of living and leading. 

Role Model Radical Respect

Working our way through an inner trough of chaos can be wildly disorienting. We will often feel unrooted and off center. We can even feel lost. At times like this, I suggest we embrace and role model radical respect. 

The poet Mark Nepo in his book, Surviving Storms: Finding The Strength To Meet Adversity (St. Martin’s Essentials, 2022) explains the concept of radical respect: “People who are considered radical are typically associated with advocating complete social or political change. Yet, often, what is first seen as radical is, in time, considered foundational. This brings us to the original sense of the word radical, which has a deeper and more compelling notion that comes from the Latin radicalis, meaning “inherent, forming the root. In the plant world, radical means “return to the root.” And the word respect means “to look again.” A radical respect, therefore, means “to return with open eyes to the root of things.” In its deepest sense, to be radical is not veering sharply from the norm but pursuing and returning to the intrinsic nature of things. This speaks to something very essential to being alive.”

When we embrace and role model radical respect, we are stripping away the clutter of life and returning to those core elements that make life meaningful and essential. It is from this rebuilt foundation that we reclaim and/or discover a new sense of hope. 

As Brene’ Brown in the aforementioned book writes “We need hope like we need air. To live without hope is to risk suffocating on hopelessness and despair, risk being crushed by the belief that there is no way out of what is holding us back, no way to get to what we desperately need.” Brown continues: “We experience hope when: 1. We have the ability to set realistic goals (I know where I want to go). 2. We are able to figure out how to achieve this goals, including the ability to stay flexible and develop alternative pathways (I know how to get there, I’m persistent, and I can tolerate disappointment, and try new paths again and again). 3. We have agency - we believe in ourselves (I can do this!).” 

From my perspective, all three of these elements transform the normal difficulties found in the inner trough of chaos. But the gateway to hope begins with embracing and role model radical respect, namely to stay in touch with the root of our humanity. When we choose to return to the root, we discover again that hope, purpose, and self-compassion are interconnected. We also discover that we are not alone in our journey through the inner trough of chaos. Instead, we find a community of people in the midst of the chaos who can offer support, stability, and connection. They stand with us and stand by us in the midst of our struggles. They hold us up and remind us that “this too shall pass.”

Find the Inner Teacher

“Much of our anxiety and inner turmoil comes from living in a global culture whose values drive us from the essence of what matters,” writes the poet Mark Nepo. “At the heart of this is the conflict between the outer definition of success and the inner value of peace.” This conflict is at the heart and soul of the inner trough of chaos. We are caught between what we must do to make make organizational change happen, and our inner desire to find peace and clarity through the process. 

The pathway to resolving this inner conflict begins when we engage our meta-awareness so we can more fully understand what is happening. Next, we need to expand our support network, and define clear boundaries. We also need to practice more self-compassion, and role model radical respect. The convergence of these five choices creates a framework for resolution and reconstruction of a life based on the essence of what mattes most. 

American author and educator, Parker Palmer reminds us that as we do this level of inner work we will discover something very important. As he explains, “Each of us has an inner teacher, a voice of truth, that offers the guidance and power we need to deal with our problems.” By doing this in-depth, inner work, we can open ourselves up to a voice of truth, perspective, love, and support that can help us move forward through the trough of chaos, and guide us to a meaningful and fulfilling life. 

© Geery Howe 2025

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change

Accept Both The Constant And The Change

Current events are volatile. Complexity abounds. People at work and at home are pendulum swinging from fear to hope, and then back to fear, all due to the numerous chaotic situations that are happening around them. 

As a result many people, who are new to leadership and management positions, are feeling isolated and disconnected from their own clarity. This is happening internally at the personal level and externally with their core team. They also are feeling stressed and overwhelmed by all that needs to get done, all that needs to be communicated, and all that needs to be prioritized. Even experienced leaders are struggling with how to update strategy, goals, and systems given the continuous adaptive challenges that are surfacing on a daily and weekly basis. In short, everyone is worried and stretched.

Because of all of this, I am regularly getting asked one question: “What am I supposed to do given these crazy times?”

And my response is clear and concise: “You have to accept both the constant and the change.”

Now, on the surface, this seems elementary. But we all know that when something appears simple, it is never simple or easy. Instead, it requires us to return to the ground level truths about people and change. 

Work With What You Have

The first ground level truth is that we have to work with what we are given. While we may hope for things to be different, they are not different. While we may hope that people, structure, systems, and culture are in full alignment, they are not. While we may hope for a common mindset about how to live the mission and values on a daily basis, most days they are not being fully utilized. as a framework for decision-making and customer service. In short, our hope for things to be better or different is not generating the results we want. So, rather than hoping for change, we instead have to maintain the constants and, at the exact same time, create the changes we wish to see in ourselves and the company. 

This begins with taking stock of what we have. We need to carefully assess what is, and is not working. We need to find out where things are going right and where things are perpetually going wrong. We also have to figure out what is, and what is not in alignment with the desired outcomes that we seek to create. This level of diagnostic work needs to be the precursor to building a plan. It is the degree to which we pause, reflect, and consider what is actually taking place that will, in the end, determine what kind of technical and adaptive solutions need to be put in place in order to get back on track and moving in the right direction. 

We begin this level of diagnostics work in two different areas. First, we need to take stock of what is going on within these four specifics elements, namely people, structure as in who reports to whom and how the company communicates, and executes it’s goals, plus systems, and culture. Each of these four elements can be explored at the operational level or the strategic level. The key is that they are explored thoughtfully and carefully. 

The second area we need to take stock in is whether or not there is a clear understanding of the answer to the following three questions: What do we want to be know for by our customers? What do we want to be know for by our employees? What do we want to be know for within the communities where we serve? To find the answers to these three questions, a leader needs to go to each of these three groups, i.e. customers, employees, and community, and engage in deep listening. We need to follow Stephen Covey’s advice from years ago and “seek first to understand; second to be understood.”

Once all of this information has been gathered and processed, then a plan can be created which starts from a place of reality rather than a place of hoping for change to take place. While starting with what we have may be difficult and challenging, leaders at all levels, who are successful over time, always work with what they are given, and build from this foundation. 

The Importance Of Belonging 

The second ground level truth is that everyone hopes for, and desires to belong to something that is making a difference. This simple fact seems to be often lost in the rush to get things done, and to maintain some semblance of order and predictability in the day to day operational level of the company. However, with the binary mindset of getting things done vs. things not getting done, many leaders and managers do not grasp the importance of belonging. They do not comprehend the importance of people wanting to feel connected with others and to know that their job matters. In essence, people want to feel like they are making a difference at work and in the world at large. 

As management consultant, educator and author Peter Drucker wrote, “Knowing where one belongs can transform an ordinary person - hard working but otherwise mediocre - into an outstanding performer.” Brene’ Brown in her book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead (Avery, 2012), builds on this perspective when she wrote: “Connection is why we’re here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering.” Belonging and connection are mission critical to creating success over time. Maintaining it over the long haul is just as important, too. 

Yet, so few leaders and managers have a team development plan that strengthens trust, connections, and the feeling of belonging. Furthermore, so few leaders and managers grasp that people join a team for very specific reasons, namely to have a place where they feel safe and cared for, to feel like they are part of a group that recognizes and values the differences and strengths of each member, and to be able to create significant achievements that would not be possible at an individual level. 

Many times over the course of my career, I heard the phrases, “These are my people” or “This is my work family”. The depth of these relationships, based on a common identity and common understanding, creates capacity and becomes a force multiplier as all involved confront technical problems or adaptive challenges. In short, when people feel like they belong and are making a positive difference, it creates clarity of purpose. It also gives people hope, and strengthens their resolve to work through the difficulties, be they large or small. 

Broken Open Vs Being Just Broken

The third ground level truth is that there is a major difference between being broken open vs being just broken. Poet Mark Nepo writes: “When broken open, we grow. When just broken, we endure. And the crucial call of all relationship is to inhabit what we learn from being broken open to help us endure the times we are just broken.” 

Leadership is hard work. There will be days when we will be stretched to the limit, and there will be days when we will go flying past the proverbial limit into uncharted waters. There also will be days when all we can do is endure. And there will be days when we are broken open by the process. The first key is to discern the difference between the two forms of being broken.

The second key is to know what to do when one is feeling broken. Initially, we must understand that this is not something that can be fixed by controlling everything and everyone around you. There is no one-two-three step process that will put things back to normal. Instead, when we are feeling broken, there needs to be a healing more than a cure. As Nepo continues, “… what opens us is never as important as what is opened.” This is true, because in the opening, we have the opportunity to deconstruct and reconstruct how we approach life and work. 

This in-depth healing process of deconstruction and reconstruction takes time, patience, support, and reflection. While it may be difficult as we move from what was to what will be, we must put one thing in place in order to be successful. Executive coach Lindsay Leahy in her book, Take It All Apart: How to Live, Lead, and Work with Intention (River Grove Books, 2024), writes about how we need to identify people who we “respect and trust, and listen to their voices more than the voices of others” as we begin this work. These connections will help us “take in and internalize the positive feedback as much as or more than the negative.” This means building or rebuilding our network of people who will support us, and then allowing ourselves to be supported as we do the work. As Leahy continues, “Allowing yourself to be transformed, to become different, to surrender, and to accept a new reality is going to take real commitment.” With a strong support network, we can make this level of commitment and sustain this level of commitment through the whole process. We also need to show ourselves some grace and be disciplined as we do this deep internal work. This in combination with some tenderness and self-compassion makes a huge difference. 

The Quiet Wavelength Of Wisdom

Renowned philosopher, educator, and Tai Ji master, Chungliang Al Huang understands this perspective and points out that “there are no beginnings and no endings. The universe is process and the process is in me.” It is in the inner process of accepting both the constants and the changes that we open up to a new perspective. “Finding the universal in the personal, and the personal in the universal,” writes author Ryan Holiday, “is not only the secret to art and leadership and even entrepreneurship, it is the secret to centering oneself. It both turns down the volume of noise in the world and tunes one in to the quiet wavelength of wisdom that sages and philosophers have long been on.”

In these times of unpredictable difficulty, we need to be careful and not overreact to all that is happening. We need to work with what we have and remember the importance of belonging. We also need to comprehend the difference between being broken and being broken open. Then, as we remember all three of these things, we will achieve a new level of congruence in our life. In short, we will come to better understand, and then tune into the quiet wavelength of wisdom that has guided sages and philosophers over the centuries. 

© Geery Howe 2025

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change