Living through hard times often hurts people. And, as we all know, hurting people can, often hurt the people around them. This happens because these individuals are experiencing varies levels of emotional pain, conflict, and uncertainty in their lives. Therefore, consciously or unconsciously, they project this pain onto others. FYI: Entitled and uncaring people can also hurt people whether or not there are hard times.
Recently, I have noticed that many people, especially those in leadership positions, are not just projecting their pain outwardly, they also are directing their pain inwardly. In particular, they are constantly analyzing their behaviors, actions, and words, and they are feeling that they are not measuring up to the expectations they hold of themselves. This internalized self-criticism is resulting in increased anxiety, worry, and massive amounts of negative self-talk. Rather than turning self-analysis into a positive and constructive growth mindset, this excessive self-criticism is generating internal toxicity, and creating a lot of external toxicity too. In short, many leaders feel like a failure given what is happening at work, and at home.
Therefore, I believe it is time to move from self-criticism to mindful self-compassion. As Christopher Willard, PsyD explains, “Mindful self-compassion is the practice of recognizing and naming our experience of suffering. By connecting our suffering to the rest of humanity, we also recognize it as suffering and extend kindness to ourselves. Christopher Germer [a clinical psychologist] says we practice self-compassion not to feel better, but simply because we feel bad.”
Part of being self-compassionate is to understand and embrace three key concepts. First, we must manage our energy more than our time. “Work when there is work to do. Rest when you are tired,” writes Susan McHenry. “One thing done in peace will most likely be better than ten things done in panic…. I am not a hero if I deny rest; I am only tired.” This means we must give ourselves permission to rest, and not feel guilty when we do this. There is a big difference between doing things that burn us out, and doing things when we are burned out.
Second, we must listen more to our internal dialogue, and then create time and space to process it with qualified professionals who can offer perspectives, coping strategies, and insights. “It is so simple and yet so brave to say that we are hurt when we are hurt, that we are sad when we are sad, that we are scared when we are scared,” writes the poet Mark Nepo. “In very direct and daily ways, this energy of realness … changes situations because the immediate expression of our truth releases light and warmth that influences the life we are a part of. This is the way our spirit shines.”
Third, we must role model integrity in all we do as leaders. This choice translates into being a person who is kind, thoughtful, and generous. As Margaret Wheatley in her book, Restoring Sanity ( Berrett-Koehler, 2024), reminds us: “We do not withdraw. We are not seeking self-protection. We commit to creating a community where generosity, creativity, and kindness are the norm - what we expect from each other and easily offer in return.” This choice builds the foundation for a network of support at work, and at home. When we offer ourselves grace along the way, we map out new ways of coping and new ways of engaging with others.
Nevertheless, there are days when we need to be honest with ourselves about what we can and can not handle at this time period. We also need to be honest with ourselves and recognize that seeking out help when we are struggling is not a sign of weakness. Instead, it is an important first step in owning our pain, and then giving ourselves some grace and self-compassion as we work through it. As a non-profit CEO shared with Margaret Wheatley, “Every day I have to make a choice not to give up.” Offering ourselves some self-compassion is an important part of this choice.
© Geery Howe 2026
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