Searching For A New Normal - part #2

Find Meaning In The Ordinary

I am a gardener, and have been for a very long time. My father was a landscape architect and site engineer. I grew up in a world of plants, flowers, and trees. As a result, being outside in nature is for me a fundamental element of healthy living, and directly connected to my sense of well being. Using one of my late father’s favorite old Quaker phrases, being outside in nature “speaks to my condition.”

As we, individually and collectively, seek a new normal, I believe we need to go back outside and rediscover the world in which we live. We need to put down our phones, tablets, and laptops, and choose to experience the beauty and awe within nature, reveling in the miraculous changes and elegance found within each season. For when we do this, we rediscover the complete simplicity and complexity of the natural world, and we have the potential to find meaning in the ordinary. 

One simple question surfaces during this post pandemic time period: Why did it happen? And this primary question leads to others which are just as important: Why did so many people die? Why did so many people suffer? Why are so many people still suffering? The answers are illusive, painful, and difficult. 

Yet, when visiting with a wiser and older friend, she shared with me an uncomfortable truth: “Why has no answer.” The pandemic happened. We experienced it, and we survived it. Many others did not. Seeking an answer to this why question, and many other related why questions, will not generate answers that will help us move forward. What we experienced, individually and collectively, was a defining experience. In essence, it was a source experience. 

“The source of knowledge is experience,” writes Albert Einstein. All knowledge comes from experiences that we have in our life. We learn from these experiences which in term shapes our decisions and our actions. In simple terms, our experiences are a form of knowledge as valid and important as anything we learned in school, in a book, or through a podcast. 

With this understanding and framework in mind, I return to the world of gardening and see it with a fresh perspective. I have nearly an acre of perennial flower beds growing around our home. I also take care of the other acres of land we own, making sure to maintain the fields and wooded acres in a responsible manner. 

I designed and created all these flower beds over many decades. I also have maintained them for many decades. Many people think that most of gardening is about buying new plants and planting them in various places. While this is a special experience, the majority of gardening is about doing the routine seasonal maintenance projects such as cleaning up the beds after winter, spreading mulch in the spring before the plants get too big, pulling weeds, and making sure the more aggressive but beautiful perennials do not take over.

This constant source of work involves lots of time down on one’s hands and knees. I often get the chance to see the whole world at the one foot to two foot high, plant level. Even with the best mulch, an area that has been weeded and cared for will more likely have to be cared for again in a couple of weeks. This continual revisiting of the beds at different times of the day and in different seasons and weather becomes part of the rhythm of gardening. It is a cycle that starts in the early spring and really does not end up long until after the first true snow fall. 

I do this level of work because it is good for my soul. I am drawn to it more than being driven by it. I want to do it nine times out of ten And as a result, I find it to be a meditative journey which results in inner peace, alignment, and perspective.

I also enjoy the outcome of this work, which is that lots and lots of people stop by throughout the growing season to witness the beauty and magnificence of blooming plants in and around our home. It makes people smile, laugh, and stand in awe. Whether it is the first crocus blooming in the spring, the majesty of a lupine reaching for the sky, or the divinity of a peony in full bloom, each uplifts the soul and generates joy as people walk or drive by our home. 

And in this special moment, I find meaning in the ordinary. If I can create the right growing environment for that particular crocus, lupine, or peony to achieve their fullest potential, to offer up their most incredible flowers at just the right moment when a person is walking their dog at dawn, a mother with a baby stroller who is trying to get a cranky little to go down for an afternoon nap, or a child is walking home after school, then the miracle of nature is experienced. Nature transforms that individual’s day into something special, a source experience that is positive, beautiful, and transformational. Then, my own mediative work of weeding and caring for all these plants is worth every minute, hours, and days of work. For at that moment in time, we, the gardener and the visitor, discover new meaning in a world where the why questions have not gone away, but they have all been put back into perspective. As the Buddha said, “If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change.”

Remember And Understand The Past

A while back I read a book by Timothy Egan called The Worst Hard Time: The Untold Story of Those Who Survived the Great American Dustbowl (Mariner Books, 2006). It is a tour de force of history about the Dust Bowl that terrorized the High Plains in the darkest days of the Depression. I read this book, because my late mother-in-law grew up in southwest Kansas right in the middle of it all. For her, black dust blizzards, crop failures, and hardships were part of her story. And I wanted to better understand this story about one of the nation’s worst and prolonged environmental disaster. 

When I finished the book and as other family members were reading it, I encouraged her to read it too. A while later, myself and others sat down to discuss the book with her. 

“I couldn’t finish the book,” she told us. “It just wasn’t my story or my experience. Yes, there were hard times and black dust every where. Yes, people struggled mightily, but, as a child, I grew up right through it all. What I remember about the Depression and the Dust Bowl was making mud pies with my sisters, singing as a family, the joy of getting an orange and a new pencil for Christmas. I just remember living and being grateful for all the blessings we had.”

As I listened to her share what she remembered, I came to understand that we are not the first people to go through a tough time in life. Many have done this before us. But most of all, I came to understand that, from her perspective, it was not a hard life. It was just a time to keep moving forward and to celebrate what they had when they had it. 

On the days that I struggle, I remember my mother-in-law and then choose to put it all in perspective. On any given new day, just being together is the gift of this post pandemic time period. And being grateful for the blessings we have makes me focus forward.  These may be challenging times, but it all depends on my perspective. Remembering and understanding the past helps me be grateful for the blessings I do have now in my life. 

Know Thyself

One of the outcomes of a global pandemic is that life became homogenized. Everyone tried to not get sick, and some people were more effective at this than others. Furthermore, everyone stayed home when they could and limited the number of people in their “bubble.” As a result, everyone was worried and everyone was fearful. Those who were not part of our family became “the other people” and we did not cross path with “others” in fear of getting sick and then possibly dying from COVID. 

Then, one day things started loosening up. More and more people did not wear masks. People actually went outside and greeted other people. Later, they shook hands. Next, people hugged family, friends, and neighbors. “It’s over,” and “we made it through” were common phrases that could be heard in large and small group settings. Still, the cost was high and quite a few of us lost loved ones along the way. 

Now, we are searching for a new normal, and we are finding it difficult. This is because we have been changed by our experience of the pandemic, and society at large has also changed because of the pandemic. While things may appear to be the same outwardly, e.g. people are going to the grocery store and to work while children are going to school, our understanding about life now is quite different. We understand that life is fragile and not always controllable. 

With this new understanding, I believe we need to sit down and take stock our lives and our life choices. The ancient philosopher Socrates understood this perspective when he wrote, “To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom.” He recognized that when we choose to understand and appreciate who we are plus what we believe, then we can make better life choices. With self-awareness and self-knowledge, we can make decisions based on clarity rather than default. 

I think the choice now is to not default to pre-pandemic ways of thinking and living, but instead to consciously seek greater understanding, meaning and purpose in our lives. This begins by embracing the words of Charlie Mackesy in his book, The Boy, The Mole, The Fox And The Horse (HarperOne, 2019): “Always remember you matter, you’re important and you are loved, and you bring to this world things no one else can.” When we live with this degree of understanding and clarity, then we can co-create with others a new beginning and a new and better normal in this post pandemic world. 

Rebuild Your Community

As I visit with more and more individuals and small groups, I have to come to the conclusion that a large number of people are feeling lonely and isolated during this time period. While we may not be physically isolated as we were during the pandemic, we are still feeling that way. I believe we are suffering from some degree of post pandemic stress disorder where we feel disconnected from ourself and our community. We also are afraid of exposure to what ever is coming next or some new version of COVID. In simple terms, we have lost a healthy and vibrant social life, because of all that has happened over the last three years. 

Recognizing the diversity of emotions that we are feeling, I think the root cause is decision fatigue. In March of 2020 when the global lockdown started, we entered into a time period where there were endless decisions that needed to be made. These decisions were based on survival and functionality. Many of them were both complicated and complex. And given the number and magnitude of decisions we had to make each day, we ended up depleted at the end of every day. 

Now, there is a major difference between doing things that deplete us on a daily basis, and doing things when we are depleted on a daily basis. The former causes the feeling of being depleted, and the later causes us to make careless choices, surrender to status quo, feel hopeless, and sometimes just do nothing. I think as we emerge from a global pandemic, we enter a world, where individually and collectively, we are running on empty. Our inner strength is weak and our willpower to rise again to another challenge is also weakened.  

At times like this, I think of something Albert Schweitzer wrote years ago: “In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.” 

And this is what I think we need now, a rekindling of our inner spirit. We need to be with people who will help our inner fire burst back to life. The pathway to doing this happens when we build, and rebuild our community. We can no longer just focus on maintaining our bubble in order to survive, but we must instead choose to build a vibrant, healthy, and diverse community of new and old, friends and family. We need to invest time, energy, and space in our lives to reacquaint and reconnect with others from all walks of life. 

As Carl Rogers reminds us, “The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction not a destination.” And the direction we need to take right now and for many years to come is to focus on community building and community care. It is through these networks of people that we will find our inner strength, courage and hope. We also will discover a new sense of normal along the way. 

Walk The Path

Right now, step by step, we walk through each day. Day by day, we move through each week. Week by week, we move through each month. And month by month, we move through this new year and into years to come. 

We are walking the path forward into a new normal. “Wanderer, there is no road,” writes Spanish poet Antonio Machado, “the road is made by walking.” The same is true for finding a new normal. There is no new normal to be discovered. Instead, it is created by our walking forward with faith and purpose. 

And as we walk this path from where we are now into a new normal, we must learn once again to see old things from new and different perspectives. We must believe in the light beyond, and be willing to call the light toward us. We must find meaning in the ordinary, and remember the past. We must learn to know ourselves, and to rekindle our networks and communities. 

But along the way we must understand one more thing. “The place where we are genuinely met and heard have great importance to us,” writes Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D. “Being in them reminds us of our strength and our value in ways that many other places we may pass through do not…. The place in which we are seen and heard are holy places. They remind us of our value as human beings. They give us strength to go on. Eventually they may even help us to transform our path into wisdom.” For in these holy places, where we are met, seen, and heard, we realize that are not alone. Instead, we are with all the world, seeking and rediscovering our inner flame of strength and purpose. 

We also come to realize that Ram Dass was right when he wrote, “We are all walking each other home.” For in this post pandemic time period, it is time to realize and choose a path where we leave no one behind, welcome all to join us, and recognize that there is more than enough to go around. We have survived a global pandemic and now have the opportunity to build a healthier and more resilient world, one relationship at a time. Today is a gift, and we can choose to walk together on this sacred path to wisdom. 

© Geery Howe 2023

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change Morning Star Associates 319 - 643 - 2257

Searching For A New Normal - part #1

Introduction

I believe we are searching for a new normal in this post pandemic time period. The difficulty is that we are worn and we are fearful given what we experienced the last three years. While we may no longer be hyper vigilant about COVID protocols, I think one of the outcomes of the pandemic is that we are afraid that we don’t matter anymore. In particular, we feel our work doesn’t matter. Furthermore, we feel like our efforts each day don’t matter, because we don’t really feel like we are making a difference anymore. Life has begun to feel like a treadmill that continually speeds up and we are running faster and faster to just to stay in place. 

And in our search for a new normal, we long for a different experience of the world. We long for meaningful relationships, and meaningful work. We long for a life that connects us to something greater. In short, we long for purpose and hope in a world filled with grief, pressure, and turbulence. 

Through The Eyes Of A Child

My wife, Jane, and I live in a small town in eastern Iowa. When we first moved into the house that we bought from the family who built it, we were the youngest people on the street by many decades. Everyone around us could have been our grandparents or our children’s grandparents. It was a special time and a special place to raise our two young boys. 

Now, we are one of the older couples on the street, and many of the houses around us are filled with young families and children. I love watching the children ride their bikes up and down the street. I love watching them play games in their back yards. I love watching them make chalk drawings in their driveways and sidewalks. Their voices fill the air with joy and adventure. Imagination flourishes all around us. 

I believe that as we move through these early years post the global pandemic that we long to see and experience the world through the eyes of a child. For the most part, children do worry about politics, famine, taxes, or work. Instead, they see each new day as a time of undefined adventures and possibilities. They find joy in a swing set, or riding a bike through a muddy puddle after a rainy morning. They marvel in delight at a lawn filled with dandelions. They laugh when the sun breaks through the clouds. 

For these young ones, making a difference is not the goal. For them, doing something to get it done is not the goal. For them, changing the world is not the goal. 

Instead, they are just out to experience the world in its totality. They just want to be a part of the world. For children, the goal is to experience the now in all of its fullest glory and miraculous potential. They awaken each day with new eyes, and see opportunity around every corner. We, as adults, can learn a lot from them. We can rediscover this perspective when we choose to see old things with new eyes.

See Old Things With New Eyes

“Change is not about understanding new things or having new eyes,” writes Dee Hock, Founder & CEO Emeritus of Visa International; “it’s about seeing old things with new eyes - from different perspectives.” 

We were discussing this powerful quote when he shared with me his story about seeing old things with new eyes. As an avid cyclist, he had ridden all over the country and loved every minute of it. One day while riding on a rural two lane highway, a semi truck drove by him, missing him by inches. The truck was going so fast and it was so close to him that it sucked the shirt right up and over his head, blinding him to what was before him. The next thing he knew he was in the ditch with a mangled bike. 

Once he realized that he was alive and not badly injured, he pulled down his shirt and looked upon the world around him. Everything was so beautiful and so alive, including himself. He felt it was a miracle that he had survived. He felt overwhelmed, because he was looking at the world and realizing the gift of being able to be a part of it. As he said to me that day, “I never realized how precious and miraculous it is to be alive in such a beautiful place. From that moment onward, I did not take anything for granted. It is all a gift.”

Not long after hearing this experience, I was met an older executive who was recovering from prostrate cancer surgery. He was deeply humbled that he could have the surgery, and that it was successful. On the way home from the hospital, he shared with me that he and his wife waited at a stop sign in small rural town just as the local elementary school let out for the day. While the children crossed the street in front of their stopped car, he burst into tears and sobbed. “They were so beautiful and innocent,” he shared with me. “Their whole lives lay out before them and they were happy, excited. They were just joyful. I realized right then and there that I missed this wholesomeness and open to possibilities perspective. I missed seeing the world as the miracle it truly is. Through my tears, I realized I needed to rediscover the miracle of being alive. I wanted to see the world through the eyes of a child and to be awe struck by the daily miracles taking place all around and within me. I have been reclaiming this every day since that moment and my life is richer because of this choice.”

Change happens on multiple levels in our lives each and every day, if not each and every moment. We just need to pause and see old things with new eyes and from different perspectives. This is one of the first steps to finding a new normal. 

Believe In The Light Beyond

I have lived twice in Mexico. The first time I participated in an off campus study program during college. On this trip, I lived with a Mexican family in Cuernavaca, and went to language school each day. The second time I was a high school teacher who was a chaperone along with the Spanish teacher for a group of third year, high school Spanish students. We lived in a rural northern village near Hermosillo. Here, we did a service project in the village and the students got to learn and practice their language. 

It was during this second trip that I had a most unique experience. During the week day mornings, we did our service project and the students had their daily language lessons. In the afternoons, the students broke into small groups and wandered through the village, visiting with families and learning about the people who lived there along with sharing about their own lives, all of which took place in Spanish. 

One afternoon, I was visiting with a group of older women over a cup of very strong and good coffee plus some cookies when the conversation turned to a subject that made no sense to me. The older women were talking about their daughters and, they kept referencing a phrase which translated into English meant “the coming of the light.” 

I sat silently during this conversation, listening as they laughed and shared about the challenges and joys of “the coming of the light.” Finally, I asked what this phrase meant. One of the older women turned to me and said, “The coming of the light is the phrase we use in our village when a child is being born. This phrase is all encompassing because the birth of a child is more than just the physical act of birthing. It is the arrival a new child and a transformation of all involved, the mother, the family, and the community. It is a blessing and a gift.”

Years later, at the birth of our first child, and later at the birth of our second child, I understood what the phrase, “the coming of the light,” really meant. It was a transformational moment, and it continues to be a transformational experience. 

John O’Donohue, a poet, philosopher and scholar, and a native Gaelic speaker from County Clare, Ireland, in conversation with John Quinn, former broadcaster with RTE’ (Irish National Radio), in his book, Walking In Wonder: Eternal Wisdom for a Modern World (Convergent, 2015), writes: “What is the source of the light that banishes our fear? I read a lovely sentence in a Hindu book years ago which said, consciousness always shines with the light from beyond itself. One of my images of the divine is that it is light in some form, and that the divine light works tenderly with human freedom. If you don’t believe that the light is there, you will experience the darkness. But if you believe the light is there, and if you call the light towards you, and if you call it into whatever you’re involved in, the light will never fail you.”

I believe, on one level, that during this post pandemic time period where we are searching for a new normal, we have lost our connection with the light, and we have lost the ability to see the light in each other and ourselves. We also have lost the feeling of being that light in the world, and we have lost our oneness with the source from which the light comes from. In simple terms, we have lost the feeling, and the memory that there is light in the world. 

However, just because we have lost the ability, the feeling, and the memory of the light and our connection to it, does not mean there is no light. The light is always present, and always a presence in our lives. Our challenge is to believe in the light beyond and to call the light toward us. 

Call The Light Towards You

It takes great inner strength to call the light towards us. The first step is to remove our blinders and see the world as it is. Then, we have to have an unbelievable depth of faith that, upon taking this action of calling the light towards us, it will come. We must have the courage to believe that this act will make a difference. The challenge is that we will have no idea when and how the light will show up. 

The quirky thing about all of this is that once we have removed the blinders and have seen the world as it really is, we often discover that the light has been there all along. It is us, with all our imperfections, faults, defaults, broken places, and expectations, that has been standing in the way. What we have forgotten is that we are always moving forward into the light of a new day and the possibility of a new way of living. 

Where we often get stuck in calling the light toward us is that we worry about today, tomorrow, and all things that might come to pass. Some days we are even consumed by this worry, generating a deep level of anxiety and pain. Above the desk of my late mother-in-law, was the following framed saying: “Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. It empties today of its strength.” I believe this is the major choice we must make. If we choose to define our lives by worrying, we empty the inner strength by which we can call the light toward us. We empty the capacity of the divine light to be a part of, and a presence in our lives. In short, we remove the possibility of the light to be a catalyst for transforming this post pandemic time period into a new and more healthy normal. 

Staying centered in the midst of our search for a new normal is an important choice. Calling the light toward us is an act of faith. When the combination of the two converge into one action, we have the capacity to be resilient as we move through our short and long term challenges. We have the capacity to search and, in time, discover a new normal. 

FYI: To be continued on Monday, September 18.

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change Morning Star Associates 319 - 643 - 2257

Living With An Important Question

The Question

We were deep into a conversation about the current challenges of living in a post pandemic time period when my friend asked me an amazing question: “Why do people in leadership positions believe being important is better than being loved?” 

I stopped drinking my cup of coffee, stared out the window for a moment, and then replied, “That is an amazing question, and a powerful insight. I have no idea how to answer it, but I am going to spend a lot of time thinking about that question and my answer. Thank-you for asking me such a good question.”

During the following weeks, I began a journey of reflection and inquiry around this question. I read and reread many resources. I pondered the question over many cups of coffee. It was worth every minute of my time and attention. 

The First Choice 

Now, there is a quick answer to this question. In Patrick Lencioni’s book, The Motive: Why So Many Leaders Abdicate Their Most Important Responsibilities (Wiley, 2020), he wrote, “At the most fundamental level, there are only two motives that drive people to become a leader. First, they want to serve others, to do whatever is necessary to bring about something good for the people they serve…. The second basic reason why people choose to be a leader - the all-too-common but invalid one - is that they want to be rewarded. They see leadership as the prize of years of hard work and are drawn by its trappings: attention, status, power, money.” He defines the former as Responsibility-Centered Leadership and the later as Reward-Centered Leadership. 

Clearly from the above description, some one, who believes being important is better than being loved, is a reward-centered leader. As Lencioni continues, “When leaders are motivated by personal reward. they will avoid the unpleasant situations and activities that leadership requires.” However, the price of this choice for the organization as a whole is not a good one. Lencioni explains that  reward-centered leaders operate under the assumption that “their role should be convenient and enjoyable. So they delegate, abdicate, or ignore situations that only the leader can address, leaving a painful and destructive vacuum.” He also notes that responsibility-centered leaders “almost always exceed expectations. Players who are reward-centered almost always fail to live up to theirs.” In short, one form of leadership is “about doing the job” while the other is about “having the job.”

Recognizing the differences between these two forms of leadership and the difference between being important and being loved, let us dive more deeply into this important question, “Why do people in leadership positions believe being important is better than being loved?”, and let us seek a greater depth and more holistic perspective about this important subject. 

Clarify Expectations

“I have a problem, Geery,” he stated as we started our coaching session. “One of my direct reports is ego driven and self-centered. And, as a result, he is driving his direct reports and their teams crazy. I have no idea how to deal with this problem. Where should I start?”

I thought for a moment and said, “This problem is happening in many places right now in this post pandemic time period. I am hearing about it from multiple executives. I would start at the beginning and ask him a simple, yet powerful question: ‘Do you know what is expected of you?’ Then, I would listen very carefully to his answer because it will give you a lot of information about how they think and how they focus.”

A long time ago, Marcus Buckingham and Curt Coffman in their book, First, Break All The Rules: What The World’s Greatest Managers Do Differently (Simon & Schuster, 1999), wrote that there are four key management activities: select a person, set expectations, motivate the person, and develop the person. As they explain, “If you want to turn talent into performance, you have to position each person so that you are paying her to do what she is naturally wired to do.  You have to cast her in the right role.” As part of this work, a manager needs to “carve out unique expectations that highlight and perfect each person’s unique style.”

My experience when dealing with problems of this nature is that few people are actually very clear about what is expected of them. Most respond with statements about “getting stuff done.” And as a result of getting things done, they believe they are important and results driven.  

The answer to the question, “Do you know what is expected of you?”, gives you a window into the framework they hold about what is leadership. Often, when I have been in the room when this question is asked, I listen to see if the person answering the question understands the difference between strategic expectations and operational expectations. Nine times out of ten they also do not understand this, or the difference between strategy and operational excellence.

Next, I listen carefully to see if they can state what are the performance expectations related to their leadership position. Most people define these expectations in a binary fashion, i.e. things get done vs things not getting done. What I am always curious to see if they will define any professional behavior expectations, decision-making expectations, and communication expectations, especially in the areas of creating clarity and cascading information in a timely and accurate manner. 

I believe we as leaders get so busy in our own circle of influence and problems that we assume, or, worst yet, forget to clarify expectations. Then, we are stunned when the outcome from our lack of action is that someone defaults to a course of action and thinking that generates numerous problems with multiple people and teams. While we may not change someone from being self-centered to selfless, we can clarify our expectations and the core behaviors that go with them. 

Treat People With Care And Respect 

“To lead effectively, you must love the people you are leading,” writes Lolly Daskal, Founder and CEO of Lead From Within. As she explains, this is not a  romantic love, but more about caring for people and treating them with respect. I agree 100% with her perspective. I also know that for many leaders it is hard for them to treat people with care and respect, because they feel that they are not treated with care and respect. 

Marcus Buckingham in his book, The One Thing You Need to Know ... About Great Managing, Great Leading, and Sustained Individual Success (Free Press, 2005), writes that “All great managers speed up the reaction between each employee’s talents and the company’s goals…. a great manager [is] deeply preoccupied with the challenge of making you as successful as possible.” He continues, “To do their job, they must start with your feelings. They must convince you that, in their eyes, your success is paramount.” Again, I agree 100% with this observation. 

The difficulty is that in order to treat people with care and respect, and to speed up the interaction of an employee’s talents and the company’s goals plus convince them at a feeling level that their success is paramount, I, as an employee, need to have a great manager who is doing this for me. In essence, in order for me to be a great leader or manager, I must have a great leader or manager, who is working with me. And that is the problem. Very few, if any are experiencing this level of engagement from their manager, supervisor or leader, and thus as a result, they can not adequately deliver what they have not experienced. 

Furthermore, James Kouzes and Barry Z. Posner in their book, A Leader’s Legacy (Jossey-Bass, 2006) build on this by noting the following: “We will work harder and more effectively for the people we like. And we will like them in direct proportion to how they makes us feel.” On a side note, Kouzes and Posner point out something important related to this subject: “If you have people working for you in leadership roles who truly don’t care if other people don’t like them, then fire them.  They may not like you, but everyone else will.”

So, given this information, the question becomes the following: “How do I help people treat other people with care and respect?” While there are a variety of pathways to an answer, I believe there is one pathway that offers the opportunity for solid and in-depth discussion between all involved, namely ask people the following question: “Am I giving you what you need and expect at this time period?” Recognizing that we have already clarified our expectations as a leader with others, now we can give them the opportunity to talk with us about what they need and expect. In essence, we are making sure that communication is a bi-directional flow of sharing at the facts and the feelings level. 

Treating people with care and respect is a choice. It reflects an understanding that the foundation for confidence, clarity, and competence comes from feeling connected and cared for over time. With this in place, the outcomes are self-governed and self-directed in a healthy manner. We do not need to default to command and control over people but instead can choose collaboration and connection with people. Over time, it is the later that becomes a force multiplier at the operational level and a strategic advantage within a dynamic market place. 

Discover What You Love 

“What if we made the purpose of work to help people discover what they love?” write Marcus Buckingham and Ashley Goodall in their book, Nine Lies About Work: A Freethinking Leader’s Guide to the Real World (Harvard Business Review Press, 2019). It is a question we do not ask ourselves as leaders, especially if we believe being important as a leader is better than being loved as a leader. 

Upon reflection and having spent a career working with leaders, those individuals in leadership positions who love what they are doing at work, are also the same people who are loved by those who work with them.  We forget sometimes, note Buckingham and Goodall, that “love-in-work matters.” As Buckingham and Goodall explain, “… the strongest force pushing back against the lies and the force that we all seek to harness in our lives, is the power of our own individuality - that the true power of human nature is that each human’s nature is unique, and that expressing this through our work is an act, ultimately, of love.” 

I think the leaders who grasp this insight choose love over importance, because they recognize the power of their own individuality, not their own ego. And because they also recognize the power of individuality in others, they understand that the convergence of the two can be transformative in the way the work gets done and the quality of the outcomes that come from this work. 

Ultimately, the best leaders want people to have a work experience where their employees feel that their work matters, and where they feel like they are making a difference. When love-in-work happens for leaders and followers, leaders respect and appreciate the people they work with, and, at the exact same time, employees and co-workers respect and appreciate the people in leadership and management positions.  So, the question, “What if we made the purpose of work to help people discover what they love?”, is relevant and important if we seek quality outcomes done by highly engaged people. 

Reestablish The Standard

People, who choose being important over being loved, find meaning in work by being the center of everything. These individuals believe they have succeeded  as a leader, because of their superior skills and talents, and for the contributions they have made. From my experience, they have an overwhelming desire to offer their perspective in every discussion and in every decision.

“What’s wrong is that they have no idea how their behavior is coming across to people who matter,” notes Marshall Goldsmith in his book, What Got You Here Won’t Get You There: How Successful People Become Even More Successful (Hyperion, 2007). In particular, what others experience by the choices of these individuals is a level of cognitive dissonance, namely a disconnect between what they experience when working with this person, and with what they believe to be supposedly true about the core values and the culture of the company. This misalignment between what we say is the culture of the company and the reality of one’s experience, due to the choices of working with a self-centered leader, need to be addressed. In particular, the person, who supervises a self-centered leader, needs to clearly establish the standards about how we work together and how we treat people.  

On the other hand, people, who choose being loved by being caring and respectful, focus on creating and cascading meaning and belonging rather than having the focus been on themself, and on always being right. These leaders create the conditions for others to be successful, not just for them as the leader to be the ultimate source of success. One can see this being reflected in all of the small choices they make to support people. They do not invest time or energy into grand, dramatic gestures or wild proclamations. Instead they help people find meaning in the daily work they do. 

Nevertheless, we must understand something important about these choices. “Never confuse action with movement,” writes Ernest Hemingway. Action can be done immediately and has the potential to start the process of change. But it is movement, i.e. something done over time, that creates enough momentum to sustain it. When we seek to help people move from being self-centered to responsibility centered, referencing the earlier mentioned work of Patrick Lencioni, we are not looking just at actions.  We are wanting to see a standard of personal and professional conduct that generates movement and momentum over time. 

As Kevin Cashman wrote years ago, “Leaders get what they exhibit and what they tolerate.” If we want people in leadership positions to role model caring and respect more than ego and self-importance, then we need their supervisors to know the difference between these two paradigms and to know the right behaviors that match the right choice. Furthermore, we need leaders who know what to do when they encounter people who believe that being important is better than being loved. With the right choices being role modeled and tolerated, we can, over time, create a different and healthier form of leadership and ultimately a healthier organizational culture. 

Honor The Fragile Bond

What certain leaders seem to know intuitively and others never really get is that there is a fragile bond between leaders and followers. Those who focus on being important and those who see leadership as a reward just don’t get it. Those who see leadership as a responsibility and then choose to support, care, and respect people understand this bond and the need to nurture it over time. By being concerned for the welfare of others and this fragile bond, these leaders create something that is powerful and empowering. 

When a leader makes the choice to be respectful and caring, they comprehend what Goethe was saying when he wrote: "We are shaped and guided by what we love.” They recognize that when we are guided by what we love in a conscious and healthy manner, we create the opportunity for others to join with us. They are drawn to a common ground of mutual respect, caring, and trust. Over time, this commitment transforms from a fragile bond to a strong and resilient bond, able to withstand challenges internal and external. 

In the end, “Leadership is a choice, not a rank,” writes Simon Sinek.  It is not about the position we hold within an organization as much as the actions and choices we make on a daily basis. When we live the question, “What can I do today to make a positive difference in the lives of those I work with and in the lives of those we serve?”, then we will discover the true power of love and comprehend the powerful and empowering possibilities within it. 

© Geery Howe 2023

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change Morning Star Associates 319 - 643 - 2257