The Challenge of Self-Management

A long time ago, Price Pritchett wrote the following: “The first chore in managing change is the toughest: self-management. Handle that right, and you’re halfway home.” On the surface, this seems self-evident. But when one rereads it a couple of times, we realize that it has great depth. The challenge is that most leaders do not do this level of work. They avoid self-management, and instead focus on managing others first, organizational change second, and maybe themselves as a distant third. Still, if they were to do self-management first, they might discover that they are “halfway home.”

From my perspective, self-management begins with an understanding of how we choose to think about time. Once you choose the path of leadership and then organizational change, you will be constantly interrupted by some one. Most people new to leadership are surprised by this happening. Most experienced leaders understand that it comes with the job. 

Years ago, Peter Drucker shared two important insights about leadership and time. First, “The executive’s time tends to belong to everybody else.” Everybody and anybody can move in on your time and eventually does. How we deal with these interruptions sends a message about what is important, how people should treat each other, and how people should respect each other’s time. 

Second, “Executives are forced to keeping ‘operating’ unless they take positive action to change the reality in which they live.” As leaders, we can not let the flow of events completely determine the priorities we hold. Instead, we need to define what is important in spite of the flow of current events and current interruptions. We need to lead proactively rather than manage reactively. 

I have often reflected on Drucker’s insights since he published them in an article called “What is Our Business?” in the June 2001 issue of Executive Excellence magazine. However, I always struggled on one level to explain them in a practical, self-management kind of way. It was not until I read Cal Newport’s book, Slow Productivity: The Lost Art of Accomplishment Without Burnout (Portfolio/Penguin, 2024), that I discovered a key concept that explains a lot of about self-management.

In the book, Newport defines slow productivity as “a philosophy for organizing knowledge work efforts in a sustainable and meaningful manner, based on the following three principles: 1. Do fewer things. 2. Work at a natural pace. 3. Obsess over quality.” He defines “Pseudo-Productivity” as “the use of visible activity as the primary means of approximating actual productive effort.” Both of these definitions were helpful. They reminded me of an earlier book where he articulated the difference between deep work and shallow work. 

With this slow productivity framework in mind, Newport expands on the first principle called “Do Fewer Things.” As he writes, “Strive to reduce your obligations to the point where you can easily imagine accomplishing them with time to spare. Leverage this reduced load to more fully embrace and advance the small number of projects that matter most.” Then, for me, he adds a deeply insightful concept into the mix about leaders and time. As he writes, “In knowledge work, when you agree to a new commitment, be it a minor task or a large project, it brings with it a certain amount of ongoing administrative overhead: back-and-forth e-mail threads needed to gather information, for example, or meetings scheduled to synchronize with your collaborators. This overhead tax activates as soon as you take on a new responsibility. As your to-do list grows, so does the total amount of overhead tax you’re paying. Because the number of hours in the day is fixed, these administrative chores will take more and more time away from your core work, slowing down the rate at which these objectives are accomplished.” Later, he continues, “A key property of overhead tax is that it tends to expand to fill as much time as it’s provided. So long as a project is something that you’ve committed to, and it’s not yet complete, it will tend to generate a continual tax in the form of check-in meetings, impromptu email conversations, and plain old mental space.”

When I first read about the concept of an overhead tax, I had to stop reading, put down the book, and think. It was the key that unlocked so much for me as an executive coach. Over and over, I have worked with leaders who are willing to put in the deep work, i.e. the time, the focus, and the commitment, on a project, goal or strategy, and yet over time, they struggle with completing it. What I realized is that the problem is not effort or focus. Nor was the problem the lack of strategic perspective. The actual problem was the overhead tax. The more administrative details they had to manage, the less time they had for the actual work. Furthermore, if they were engaged in multiple projects, then there were multiple overhead taxes, all demanding time and attention. 

As I continued to read, I agreed with Newport that so many people are struggling with the overhead taxes that they have crossed a tipping point and therefore can not get to the actually key objectives, goals, or strategy that they were seeking to accomplish. Instead, they are swamped in administrative overhead. In short, their self-management is not self-management. They are actually just managing more and more administrative details with no time for self and actual work. 

Furthermore, as more and more of their time is consumed with the overhead taxes, they also do not have time for renewal or recharge. They just become consumed with minutia and the sinking feeling that life is nothing more than small details piled on small details. The outcome from this pattern of working and living always results in decision fatigue leading to decision burn-out. As Marshall Goldsmith in his book, Triggers: Creating Behavior That Lasts - Becoming the Person You Want to Be, (Crown Business, 2015), wrote: “Doing things that deplete us is not the same as doing things when we’re depleted.” And in the end, we always pay the overhead tax, resulting in careless choices, poor decisions, and ultimately a surrender to status quo. 

So, how does one do effective self-management when managing change?

First, sit down and evaluate how many current projects and priorities you are working on. Then, calculate how much overhead taxes you are paying per project. This may be an uncomfortable exercise, but the goal is to do fewer things well rather than many things poorly. And it is important to discern that doing fewer things well is not the same as accomplishing fewer things. The goal is to generate quality work by actually having real priorities rather than hopeful priorities. 

Second, improve your ability to delegate. When we choose to delegate something to another person, we are transferring the authority and responsibility from us to another person. The difficulty is that during the act of delegation we never clarify how much authority or responsibility the person has and can use. Furthermore, we assume that the person being delegated to understands the problem and has the skills and knowledge to solve the problem. Finally, we assume that they know how to measure their progress and know what a successful completion of the problem looks like over time. Nine times out of ten, poor delegation creates poor results, and in turn poor self-management. 

Third, schedule adequate transition time during each day. Our days are packed with back to back meetings and back to back check-in sessions. Often, we are shifting from operational issues to strategic issues to personnel issues. The result is reactive leadership and little time to process or complete anything. At some point, we just have to realize that this unceasing pace of work and life is unsustainable, and is detrimental to our health and our core relationships at work and at home. When we schedule transition time into our daily and weekly schedule, we are then moving from a place of clarity and alignment. 

Fourth, find and work with an executive coach, especially one who will ask you questions that you yourself would not ask. By creating time and space for structured unstructured time, we are building a foundation for resilience and capacity. This unique space gives us a chance to pause, share, and reflect. It also is a chance to think out loud in a safe and open environment. Here, we can zoom out to gain perspective or zoom in to gain understanding. We also can slow down so we can make wiser and more thoughtful choices. Then, we have a chance to check our default thinking and default reactions in order to not perpetuate unhealthy responses based on past unhealthy experiences. Over time, an experienced executive coach can offer unique insights and wisdom from their own years of working through problems of a similar nature, too. 

Fifth, discover or recover a why to live for that is greater than just getting all the office work done. As Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz write: ”Purpose creates a destination." It is time to reclaim purpose and to reclaim destination in our life journey. It is time to figure out why we do what we do, and then use this to guide our life choices and decisions. Too often, we are living someone else’s definition of success. We also are trying to meet their expectations, and are not clear about what are our own priorities, hopes and dreams. When we create a purpose driven life, we are living and working from a place of great strength and deep inner alignment. We then move in a new and more grounded manner toward our desired destination. 

Self-management in the midst of change is hard and important work to do. It happens on a daily basis and is never completed in a single day. Still, by doing it consistently and thoughtfully, we can manage change in an effective manner. And then, we will be halfway home.

© Geery Howe 2025

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change

Herding Butterflies - part #2

The Loss Stage

Now, the outcome of these choices does not generate rainbows, enlightenment, and dancing unicorns. Instead, many people show a level of resistance and dissatisfaction to change. Again, this is normal and uncomfortable for people in leadership positions, but we must remember that people are people and this level of response is difficult but not uncommon. 

The first step in dealing with resistance is to reframe it as a form of feedback. People care about the work they are doing and are expressing it to those in leadership and management positions. In basic terms, resistance is a a psychological defense mechanism wherein a person rejects, denies, or otherwise opposes the efforts of another. Dissatisfaction, on the other hand, means people are unhappy. When the two happen at the same time and in the same place, we must remember the root of the problem is about loss of the familiar. Ron Heifetz, Alexander Grashow, and Marty Linsky in their book, The Practice of Adaptive Leadership: Tools and Tactics for Changing Your Organization and the World (Harvard Business Press, 2009), encourage us to name these losses. For example, they can be “identity, competence, comfort, security, reputation, time, money, power, control, status, resources, independence, job,” etc.  By naming what is happening and the losses that come with change, we are helping people grieve the end of the familiar, and aiding them to arrive at a place of acceptance where a new beginning can place. 

In the past, when I have been on-site, and encountered this level of loss, it comes in a variety of forms. Some people will ask the question: "Why me?”. Some will talk about this level of change being unfair, and focus on how to preserve their sense of meaning, identity, and familiar ways of doing things based on the previous definition of success. I routinely saw people focus on the "proper way" of doing things in order to assure protection from being blamed if things didn’t work out. Finally, it was very common to see people in management and leadership positions engage in the proverbial Tarzan Swing from "we have no problems" to “all bloody hell has broken loose”, and “there is no way we can do this” to "it's nearly finished”. When these elements are happening, I know we are clearly in the stage of loss. 

A Dialogue Strategy

At this point in the trough of chaos, there are three specific forms of leadership that need to be deployed. First, leaders engage in coaching. Rodd Wagner and James K. Harter in their book, 12: The Elements of Great Managing Gallup Press, 2006, make an important point about this level of coaching. As they write, “A coach or mentor is anyone who, in the eyes of the employee, ensures she successfully navigates the course. The important aspect is not which of many terms this protector goes by - friend, coach, advisor, sponsor, counselor, support - but whether the employee feels she is not abandoned inside the business.” This is particularly important when dealing with the combination of resistance and dissatisfaction. When we reframe the combination of these two common responses as a form of feedback for people in leadership, management and supervisory positions, and when we realize that employees want to “successfully navigate the course” through the trough of chaos, then coaching is vital and necessary for success. 

Kevin Cashman in his book, Awakening the Leader Within: A Story of Transformation (John Wiley & Sons, Inc. 2003), reminds us that there are two forms of coaching. The first is transactive coaching which is focused on the transferring of competencies, skills and/or techniques from the coach to the person being coached. The second is transformational coaching which focuses on shifting a person’s view of the world around them. This reframing process can help them gain insights and new perspectives about what is happening and what is going to happen next. 

Whether we are engaged in transactive or transformational coaching, it is important for all involved to understand that coaching is a structured dialogue that  involves questions, analysis, action planning, and follow through. While we may not always be able as coaches to solve all problems, we can, nevertheless, emphasize the choices that need to be made. 

The second form of leadership during this stage of the trough of chaos is focused on selling the problem or problems. When I share this with leaders, they are often perplexed by this choice. They note that they have already done this earlier in the trough of chaos, and told people where, when, and how the coming changes will take place. I routinely smile, nod and I agree. But people are people and, at times, they forget. Status quo or the proverbial good-old-days call people to want to go backwards. They remember only the best of times from days gone by. 

However, John Kotter in his seminal article, “Leading Change: Why Transformational Efforts Fail” in the May-June 1995 issue of the Harvard Business Review, writes that the first most common problem for failure is “not establishing a great enough sense of urgency.” As he continues, “When is the urgency rate high enough? From what I have seen, the answer is when about 75% of a company’s management is honestly convinced that business-as-usual is totally unacceptable. Anything less can produce very serious problems later on in the process.” And while the article was written 30 years ago, it has been my experience that most leaders under communicate the urgency to move forward because they don’t sell the problems to the degree that all involved realize that business-as-usual is dangerous and unacceptable if the company wants to maintain viability moving forward. 

The third form of leadership is resolving problems and issues. Leaders need to make tough decisions and to solve complex problems. They need to focus on accountability and results. Yet, many leaders struggle with resolving problems and issues in part because they believe people may not like the decisions they need to make. So, they default to artificial harmony and wanting to be seen as nice and popular. However, this choice creates a false reality and can result in short and long term problems. 

I believe this happens because many leaders have not been coached properly on how to make decisions in an effective manner. When I find this the case, I have asked them to read and discuss with me the following article: “Making Judgment Calls: The Ultimate Act of Leadership” by Noel M. Tichy and Warren Bennis in the October 2007 issue of the Harvard Business Review. Every time I’ve done this, I have witnessed great improvement in this area. 

The Acceptance Zone

In the end, the combination of resistance and dissatisfaction ends with the rise of acceptance and a willingness to move forward. Now, not everyone is willing to accept this level of organizational change. Thus, some choose to leave their current employment. 

On the other hand, when trust is built and maintained, and when thoughtful and regular communication happens, many of the normal problems within the trough of chaos can be resolved. This is particularly true when we understand that everyone, both leaders and followers, are at different levels of experience with change, and different stages of their professional growth as leaders. 

Therefore, we have an important choice to make. As Brownie Wise, the pioneering American saleswoman who was a largely responsible for the success of the home products company Tupperware, noted: “If we build the people, they will build the business.” For when we build people and support their growth, we create the capacity to move through the normal challenges that come within the trough of chaos. And when we build relationships that can handle the complexities of change, we build a foundation for on-going innovation. 

Still, some days it will feel like we are herding butterflies in the midst of a tornado. And on those days, when we are feeling everything is overwhelming and chaotic, we can turn to our allies and confidants for support and perspective. As the Serenity Prayer reminds us, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” This is good advice whether or not we are moving through a trough of chaos or herding butterflies in the midst of a tornado. 

© Geery Howe 2025

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change

Herding Butterflies - part #1

Introduction

There is so much change happening right now. It feels overwhelming and chaotic. Some people like it, and some people do not. Whichever the case, most people are trying hard to think carefully and thoughtfully about how to respond. As I listen to leaders talk about this time period, I am reminded of the phrase, “herding butterflies,” referencing the work of Richard Pascale, Mark Millemann and Linda Gioja in their fascinating book, Surfing The Edge of Chaos: The Laws of Nature and the New Laws of Business, (Three Rivers Press, 2000).

For me, it just feels like we are moving through the early stages of a mammoth Trough Of Chaos. Now, some will call it a Grand Canyon of Crazy or a Long Valley of the Absurd. I have even heard it called the Pit of Despair and the Valley of Bewilderment. Whichever the metaphor, we must remember that the Trough Of Chaos is normal. And what everyone wants in the midst of it is more predictability. They also want all their plans to actually work. They even want all their goals to be executed in a timely and efficient manner. Yet, we know on one level, even if we don’t want to admit this, that this is a day dream at best, and more likely a nightmare at worse. 

So, what do we need to do when we feel like we are herding butterflies in the midst of a tornado?

The Preservation Stage

First, we need to understand the early stages of a trough of chaos. As events unfold, people will react in normal ways to all that is happening. This will take the form of two things happening at the same time, namely denial and lack of orientation. Denial is a defense mechanism that people use to protect themselves from the reality of loss or hardship. When combined with a lack of orientation, namely no idea where the organization is going or where everything else is going, the whole goal of this response is to preserve a past definition of success and the comfort that came with it. In short, by ignoring the signs that the past is over, people are able to retain a sense of control, predictability, and order in their lives at work. 

When I was called in to figure why an organization was struggling, I discovered common patterns when an organization had entered a trough of chaos. First, I often observed a level of senior management isolation from front line challenges. I also discovered that the strategic nexus was not part of strategic or operational decision making, and that there was no clear understanding by key leaders in the organization of the trends that were transforming the organization. Next, I found midlevel management lacking a strategic mindset, and a lack of ownership for the current strategic plan. I also found that there were no clear 90 day plans and no understanding of the current strategic priorities. Furthermore, there was no time for creative thought, reflection, or dialogue, because everyone was so busy managing the chaos of the day to day operations. In short, operational compliance and chaos reduction was the only choice people made as they sought to maintain status quo. 

Now, many leaders respond to this situation by explaining away the choices others are making. They say that everything is just “temporary.” Then, they choose to amplify the positive and attempt to put a spin on the data they are receiving. They even go so far as to blame external factors for current setbacks or struggles. Few of these leaders accept responsibility. Instead, they choose to ignore the uncomfortable reality that things are not going as well as they had hoped they would be. 

However, there are people in leadership positions who do not choose denial or externalization as a response to the aforementioned signs that things have gotten stuck in a trough of chaos. These leaders do not accept chronic inconsistency in performance outcomes. Instead, they choose to engage in strategic reflection and dialogue. They pause and clarify the current reality in order to make thoughtful choices rather than panicked responses to uncomfortable information. 

A Focusing Strategy

These thoughtful choices fall into four specific forms of leadership. First, leaders offer direction. This can come in two forms. One, it can be defining the strategic direction and/or intent of the company in the midst of all that is happening. Two, it can be defining what needs to happen operationally on a day to day basis in order to keep everyone focused on what’s most important. 

Second, leaders engage in sharing key information. When people are in a trough of chaos, they routine experience a level of cognitive dissonance, because what they believe should be happening and what is actually happening don’t line up. Sometimes this happens because there is some degree of hubris born of past success. If this is the case, more likely the leader has an understanding of the why factor which drives them to think change is the best option given current events. However, everyone else is totally clueless. 

Third, along with giving direction and sharing more information, these leaders focus on structure. Again, this can come in two different forms. One form is to focus on the table of organization or the TO and determine whether or not the right people are reporting to the right people in order to make change happen effectively. The other form is to determine if the performance management system, i.e. the translation of strategy into goals, is actually working as designed. From my experience, this is rarely the case. 

Fourth, these leaders focus on prioritizing the work that needs to get done. Here, we recognize that some things are important and other things are urgent. The goal is to focus on the things that are both urgent and important, making sure that these priorities are not forgotten in the midst of busy and chaotic work. The sum of these four actions, directing, telling, structuring, and prioritizing, will always result in movement, and if repeated enough over time, all involved will gain a deeper and more holistic understanding of what is talking place and why it needs to take. 

To assist in gaining this greater and holistic understanding, leaders need to engage in strategic dialogue around some critical questions. The five questions I often recommended as a consultant came from the following book: Drucker, Peter, Frances Hesselbein, and Joan Snyder Kuhl. Peter Drucker’s Five Most Important Questions: Enduring Wisdom for Today’s Leaders (Wiley, 2015). Theses were the five questions: “What is our mission? Who is our customer? What does the customer value? What are our results? What is our plan?”. Over time, I have found that these five questions generate a solid level of sharing and often new perspectives and insights. 

The Deer In The Headlights Zone

The outcome of this work during the trough of chaos is that many people end up in a place I like to call the deer in the headlights zone. Once they realize that change is going to happen, whether they like it or not, and once they realize that they themselves will need to change how they work on a day to day basis, they often display the behaviors related to shock, fear, and a degree of just being baffled by it all.  Even though the leader has been telling them all along, they stayed in denial until it finally sunk it. They, in essence, moved from unaware to aware, and to some degree of understanding. 

At this point, I refer leaders to the work of the late William Bridges, who noted that change management and transition management are two different things. Change management is focused on outcomes and new beginnings. Transition management, on the other hand, is focused on the internal and emotional process people experience during change. 

From Bridges’ perspective, a transition starts with an ending and finishes with a new beginning. Those involved have to let go of their old ways of working, and deal with the related losses that come with this choice. In essence, Bridges recognizes that change is psychological, not just intellectual. 

With this framework in mind, Bridges points out that during transitions people need the following four things. First, they need to understand the why behind the changes, i.e. purpose. Second, they need to have a picture of what the other side of the trough of chaos is going to look and feel like when they get there. Third, they need a plan that articulates the step-by step goals of how to get to the picture. Fourth, they need clarity about their role in the process, i.e. their part.

When I have worked with a group, who is struggling in the deer in the headlights zone, having a clear sense of purpose, picture, plan and part makes a profound difference in moving through the challenges before them. I also have encouraged leaders to create 30 day plans that generate micro wins, i.e. signs of making progress toward the desired outcome, and to actively engage in positive reinforcement. The goal is to support all involved, reinforce new behavioral choices, and to show you care about people as they struggle forward. 

To be continued on Tuesday. 

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change

The Inner Trough of Chaos

During organizational change, there is an 18+ month period that I like to call the “trough of chaos.” Here, we encounter normal responses to change such as denial, resistance, acceptance, exploration, and commitment. And during these common human reactions, leaders help people by clarifying direction, defining priorities, coaching, collaborating, and delegating. The overall goal is to end up on the other side of the trough of chaos with a team that is committed to moving forward, sees the big picture, and understands it. We also want a team that takes responsibility for next steps, and generates the desired outcomes in an effective and efficient manner. In short, all parties, leaders and followers, feel empowered, engaged, and energized to continue moving forward. 

However, for many people in leadership positions, the focus on the outer elements of the trough of chaos does not acknowledge something else that often takes place. Many leaders, who are helping others move through the trough of chaos, find themselves experiencing an inner trough of chaos. On the outside, these people are leading, while on the inside they are worried, worn, and struggling deeply with their own internal process. Most people don’t see this struggle, and most leaders don’t talk about it. 

As a long time executive coach, I routinely see it and hear about it. l listen to their inner dialogue. I see the pain, the anguish, and the doubt about what to do and how to do it. I witness their journey over time, and know the depth of this struggle. 

For many leaders, this inner trough of chaos happens on two different levels. First, they feel overwhelmed with the data points that are indicating that everyone needs to move faster. Second, they are overwhelmed with the diversity and magnitude of different peoples’ reactions to change. The combination of these two levels results in leaders choosing a conquer and control response to everything and everyone around them. Very few choose a different pathway, namely a connections and clarity response. Over time, the former generates a profound level of personal burn-out and cynicism about people and change. However, the later generates movement through their inner trough of chaos. 

The Importance of Meta-Awareness

On many levels, the inner trough of chaos is just the same as the outer, organizational trough of chaos. It includes the same stages and same reactions. The difficulty is that many leaders do not have a leader who is leading them through their inner trough of chaos. This is why the best leaders have executive coaches, confidants, and mentors who assist them in their internal work. 

From my experience, the first step in this inner journey is to acknowledge that you are experiencing an inner trough of chaos. Acceptance is a good beginning. And yet, few leaders are willing to admit to it, because they believe it is a sign of weakness. I routinely point out that over time, denial is not an effective coping system. When we choose to accept that we are struggling, we then can begin to change the struggle.  

The second step is to explore our internal dialogue about what is happening. All day and every day, we are talking to ourselves about what is happening around us and within us. This inner dialogue can be helpful, and it can be hurtful. What I have discovered from coaching people is that this inner dialogue is often focused on self-criticism and self-judgement. We are mad that things are not going “right” so we direct this anger inward. Sometimes, we direct it outward, too. 

This on-going diet of internal criticism blinds us to see what is actually going right and where small acts of progress are taking place. It also prevents us from understanding what triggered us in the first place, and what caused us to get lost in an internal trough of chaos. When this happens, we need to engage in meta-awareness, namely we need to be aware of our awareness. 

For example, when we find ourselves in an inner trough of chaos, the world around us and within us can feel threatening and overwhelming. And as a result, we typically respond in four ways, namely fight, flee, freeze, or faint/flop. Each of these normal stress responses are useful coping strategies. They keep us alive through the difficulties we are dealing with at this time period. However, they are all default responses.  

Once we are aware of how we are responding to the inner trough of chaos, we can then ask ourselves two important questions: Is this the best response given the circumstances before me? Is my response hindering my ability to lead with clarity and integrity? By deploying our meta-awareness, we can thoughtfully and mindfully choose how to respond rather than react reflexively and unconsciously. In short, we can discern the difference between the inner trough of chaos as a time period of danger, and then begin to reframe it as a time period of transformation. Thus, over time, our meta-awareness creates resiliency rather than more fear, shame, and frustration. 

Expand Your Support Network

As we do this reframing process, we need to find and build new connections. In a company that is engaged in organizational change, a struggling leader could turn to the Human Resources Department for tools, insights, assistance, and perspective. The members of this team can help on so many different levels and in so many creative and effective ways. Yet, many leaders, who are struggling internally, often do not turn to their corporate HR for assistance. They feel ashamed and embarrassed that they are struggling. This is why an expansion of their support network is so important. By the way, the best HR departments I have witnessed actually should be called the Human Resources & Connections Department. For it is the combination of the two that yields results. 

But the question I so routinely get asked is “Where do I find these connections?” And my answer is “everywhere.” More specifically, we need to turn to relationships that will help us to understand and better discern this internal process. These kinds of people give us connective advantage, referencing the work of Hermina Ibara in her book, Act Like A Leader, Think Like A Leader (Harvard Business Review Press, 2015). These individuals help you find and access resources, expertise, and ideas which can assist you in reframing the internal process. As another consultant shared with me years ago, we need to “be around people who are good for your soul.”

As we expand our support network, we need to remember the insight shared by Christoper Willard, PsyD in his book, How We Grow Through What We Go Through: Self-Compassion Practices For Post-Traumatic Growth ( Sounds True, 2022). As he explains, “Recent research has made it ever more clear that emotions, moods, and behaviors are contagious. Some scientists call this ‘interpersonal neurobiology’; others have studied the ways ‘mirror neurons’ create an emotional give-and-take through thousands of micro expressions revealed in our faces each second. Still others explain this as the collective nervous system that regulates and dysregulates in sync with others, impacting our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. With practice, we can jumpstart the social-engagement system for our connecting and healing, cultivating a ‘neuroception of safety’.” An expanded support network helps our interpersonal neurobiology and cultivates the ‘neuroception of safety. All of which can make a major difference when we are moving through an inner trough of chaos. 

For me, the late Irish poet and priest John O’Donohue summarized it best when we wrote: “In these times of greed and externality, there is such unusual beauty in having friends who practice profound faithfulness to us, praying for us each day without our ever knowing or remembering it. There are often lonesome frontiers we could never endure or cross without the inner sheltering of these friends. It is hard to live a true life that endeavors to be faithful to its own calling and not become haunted by the ghosts of negativity; therefore, it is not a luxury to have such friends; it is necessary.” Expanding one’s support network is necessary when working through an inner trough of chaos. 

Define Boundaries

Many leaders suffer with co-dependency. When this surfaces during an organizational trough of chaos, and is accompanied by an inner trough of chaos, this can result in some unhealthy choices and behaviors. For example, these leaders often funnel all their time and energy into supporting everyone else without making time or space to consider what they need for themselves. This choice also can include a variety of controlling type behaviors, unhealthy levels of self-sacrifice, and a deep fear of being rejected for the choices they are making. In short, their self-esteem, confidence, and clarity are all determined by whether or not people like them and whether change is happening in a positive and efficient manner. 

However, change on the outside and on the inside is rarely efficient or totally positive. Furthermore, most people resist change, because it often includes a loss of clarity, control, connections, and confidence. In simple terms, for most people change begins with an ending rather than a new beginning. And when a leader experiences the convergence of an organizational trough of chaos plus an inner trough of chaos, they end up pendulum swinging between hopelessness and low self-esteem. They also end up needing to control everything and everyone around them in order to create some degree of order and predictability in their life. 

This is why leaders, who are experiencing an inner trough of chaos, need to define and establish boundaries. By setting these boundaries, they begin to communicate their needs and limits to those around them. It also protects their well-being by preventing burnout, which can help in managing stress, and fostering healthier relationships. As executive coach Kevin Cashman wrote years ago, “Leaders get what they exhibit and what they tolerate.” Defining boundaries helps determine what is and what is not okay in a relationship, and in the ways we work through change. 

“Boundaries empower us,” writes Christopher Willard, PsyD in the aforementioned book. “Not as a power over others, in a power from others. We become empowered with the choice to decide how much power other people, places, and things hold in our lives. In turn, we can choose how much they influence and impact our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. We begin to approach the world in a new way, with confidence and compassion, focusing on the potential, power, and relief it can bring.” 

When we are struggling, defining and maintaining boundaries are important. In specific, we need to clearly define when it is time to work and when it is time to recover from work. We need to make time for self and family. We also need to make time for faith and friends. By defining these time periods and maintaining these time periods, we can approach all that is happening on the inside and on the outside of our life with more confidence and self-compassion. Then, we will be better able to lead and empower ourselves and others to move through the trough of chaos. In short, we can reclaim a life of wholeness rather than a life divided. 

Practice More Self-Compassion

Next, as we move through the inner trough of chaos, we will need to practice self-compassion, i.e being kind and understanding towards ourself in the midst of our struggles. Rather than getting caught up in self-judgement, co-dependence, self-criticism, and a tendency towards isolation, we need to be more mindful of how we are feeling and acknowledge the reality that we struggling in spite of all we are trying to do and get done. To do this, it will involve both inner growth and inner healing. 

However, as Christopher Willard, PsyD reminds us, “Self-compassion helps us to be okay with the fact that growth and healing happen on different timelines.” Therefore, we will need to grow a new perspective on how to live and lead. We also will need to heal from the tyranny of past choices and experiences. 

Associate professor in the University of Texas at Austin’s department of educational psychology and pioneer in the study of self-compassion, Kristin Neff, Ph.D. wrote, “We can’t heal what we can’t feel.”  So, part of the work requires us to reclaim our EQ, not just expand our IQ. This will involve having a greater depth of emotional literacy. For that, I always recommend reading the following book: Brown, Brene’, Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience (Random House, 2021). As Brown notes, “Without understanding how our feelings, thoughts, and behaviors work together, it’s almost impossible to find our way back to ourselves and each other. When we don’t understand how our emotions shape our thoughts and decisions, we become disembodied from our own experiences and disconnected from each other.”

At the same time, I am reminded of something related to growing and healing that  Christopher Willard, PsyD. explained: “A full life is both/and, not either/or, and too often we assume things are one way or another, when they are in fact multifaceted, multi-determined, and complex. To paraphrase ideas that make the rounds online: You can be grateful and still need more for yourself. You can be resilient and still need rest. You can be fiercely independent and still need and want others. You can be certain and still change your mind. You can be caring and compassionate toward yourself without feeling guilty. You can be kind and generous and still say no and set boundaries, knowing that sometimes saying no itself is an act of generosity. You can have done your best in the past, yet since that time, you might have learned new ways of doing things. Finally, other people may have problems and pain, but yours still matter. You can be courageous and still be scared of doing something - yet you can do it anyway.” The practice of self-compassion may be scary and hard, but with courage and a healthy network of support people we can move forward through the difficulties before us and find a new way of living and leading. 

Role Model Radical Respect

Working our way through an inner trough of chaos can be wildly disorienting. We will often feel unrooted and off center. We can even feel lost. At times like this, I suggest we embrace and role model radical respect. 

The poet Mark Nepo in his book, Surviving Storms: Finding The Strength To Meet Adversity (St. Martin’s Essentials, 2022) explains the concept of radical respect: “People who are considered radical are typically associated with advocating complete social or political change. Yet, often, what is first seen as radical is, in time, considered foundational. This brings us to the original sense of the word radical, which has a deeper and more compelling notion that comes from the Latin radicalis, meaning “inherent, forming the root. In the plant world, radical means “return to the root.” And the word respect means “to look again.” A radical respect, therefore, means “to return with open eyes to the root of things.” In its deepest sense, to be radical is not veering sharply from the norm but pursuing and returning to the intrinsic nature of things. This speaks to something very essential to being alive.”

When we embrace and role model radical respect, we are stripping away the clutter of life and returning to those core elements that make life meaningful and essential. It is from this rebuilt foundation that we reclaim and/or discover a new sense of hope. 

As Brene’ Brown in the aforementioned book writes “We need hope like we need air. To live without hope is to risk suffocating on hopelessness and despair, risk being crushed by the belief that there is no way out of what is holding us back, no way to get to what we desperately need.” Brown continues: “We experience hope when: 1. We have the ability to set realistic goals (I know where I want to go). 2. We are able to figure out how to achieve this goals, including the ability to stay flexible and develop alternative pathways (I know how to get there, I’m persistent, and I can tolerate disappointment, and try new paths again and again). 3. We have agency - we believe in ourselves (I can do this!).” 

From my perspective, all three of these elements transform the normal difficulties found in the inner trough of chaos. But the gateway to hope begins with embracing and role model radical respect, namely to stay in touch with the root of our humanity. When we choose to return to the root, we discover again that hope, purpose, and self-compassion are interconnected. We also discover that we are not alone in our journey through the inner trough of chaos. Instead, we find a community of people in the midst of the chaos who can offer support, stability, and connection. They stand with us and stand by us in the midst of our struggles. They hold us up and remind us that “this too shall pass.”

Find the Inner Teacher

“Much of our anxiety and inner turmoil comes from living in a global culture whose values drive us from the essence of what matters,” writes the poet Mark Nepo. “At the heart of this is the conflict between the outer definition of success and the inner value of peace.” This conflict is at the heart and soul of the inner trough of chaos. We are caught between what we must do to make make organizational change happen, and our inner desire to find peace and clarity through the process. 

The pathway to resolving this inner conflict begins when we engage our meta-awareness so we can more fully understand what is happening. Next, we need to expand our support network, and define clear boundaries. We also need to practice more self-compassion, and role model radical respect. The convergence of these five choices creates a framework for resolution and reconstruction of a life based on the essence of what mattes most. 

American author and educator, Parker Palmer reminds us that as we do this level of inner work we will discover something very important. As he explains, “Each of us has an inner teacher, a voice of truth, that offers the guidance and power we need to deal with our problems.” By doing this in-depth, inner work, we can open ourselves up to a voice of truth, perspective, love, and support that can help us move forward through the trough of chaos, and guide us to a meaningful and fulfilling life. 

© Geery Howe 2025

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change