The Power of Co-learning
Third, they experience the power of co-learning. During the mid-90’s, I encountered a health problem that was troubling. Having seen local specialists with minimal success, I decided to go to an out of state, holistic health clinic that was highly recommended to meby others. I learned that people came from all over the world to this clinic to find answers to complex health problems. So, my wife and I went to meet with the founder of the clinic, to ask for help, and hopefully to find some workable solutions.
During the day that I spent at the clinic, and during the subsequent review of the extensive testing that was done, we did discover multiple problems and multiple solutions. All of which made a difference over time. But most important, I found a healthcare professional and healthcare team that started their work from a most unique place.
As they explained to me before I meet with the doctor, the people at the clinic do not define the work they do as a doctor-patient relationship. Instead, they frame up the process as a co-learner experience. The doctor has to learn about me, my lifestyle choices, and my overall health record. At the same time, I need to learn from the doctor about what he was discovering about my health challenge as well as learn about how my body works when dealing with this health challenge.
In basic terms, I engaged with them in a continuous learning cycle. But at the foundation of this whole process was something quite powerful, namely deep listening. My doctor and I had to do some deep listening with each other. And we needed to do some deep listening with my body. In particular, I needed to learn how to listen to the triggers that would make my health condition worse, and to listen to my body when it was on the right track to being stable and healthy. This level of deep listening is something I am still doing today.
While my overall health improved dramatically, I also learned how to live with my chronic health condition. I learned how to manage it and how to live with it. As I have gotten older, it is still there, but now I do not see it as a problem as much as just how I am wired and how my body copes with life’s normal stresses and not so normal stressful periods.
Decades later now, I am still intrigued by this concept of being a co-learner, and find deep listening to be a most helpful perspective when I am coaching others. I am there to learn from them, and when I appropriate, they are there to learn from me. Together, we are co-learning through the challenge before us.
The Importance of Mutuality
Fourth, they come to appreciate the importance of mutuality. This is a big word, and it has many levels of definition. In the beginning, it is defined as “the sharing of a feeling between two or more people.” But when we dig deeper into this definition, we realize that mutuality means there is an interactive relationship based on a healthy level of respect and sharing. It is not a one-sided relationship, but a constantly evolving relationship.There also is a recognition of the important role feelings play within the sharing that takes place, and an understanding of what is motivating and/or creating them.
From my perspective, for a true depth of mutuality to occur, the previous three elements need to be in place, namely people doing deep inner work, the creation of safe and open space, and the power of co-learning generated from deep listening. When this convergence happens, then mutuality is experienced.
However, there is an element to mutuality that needs further exploration. As this connection is built through sharing, and as deep listening occurs, all involved will come to understand that our felt experiences and our lived experiences are not the same thing. Our felt experiences reflect feeling felt and/or feeling seen. It happens when empathy is paired with acceptance, understanding, and respect.
On the other hand, the sharing of our lived experiences generates knowledge gained from choices made and the resulting experiences that took place rather than through assumptions, research, media, or comments made by others. When mutuality arises, all involved have patience to recognize that our felt experiences are just as important as our lived experiences. Both are a source of knowledge and both guide us in our life journey.
The One Burning Question
Our lives are made up of many puzzle pieces. And every day we are trying to figure out how to fit them together. We must take responsibility for this level of work, and not defer our choices to other people’s whims or expectations. As part of this important process, we must intentionally seek rest and re-creation, regeneration and rebirth, all while discovering and rediscovering our life’s purpose. The knowledge gained about ourselves while doing this level of work will make a significant difference in our life at home and at work. And it will change the expectations that we hold for ourselves and for others.
Because in the end, it is easy to loose perspective about life. “It is so easy to take for granted that tomorrow will come, that another opportunity will be given to bear witness to a sunset, take a walk in the forest, listen in awe to the birds, or share a moment of connection with the one in front of us,” writes Matt Licata, PhD, in his book, A Healing Space: Befriending Ourselves in difficult times (Sounds True, 2020). “But another part knows how fragile it truly is here, how tenuous, and the reality that this opening into life will not be here much longer.” As he continues, “At the end of this life - which is sure to come much sooner than we think - it its unlikely we’ll be caught up in whether we accomplished all the tasks on our to-do lists, played it safe, healed all the wounds from our past, wrapped up our self-improvement project, or completed some mythical spiritual journey.”
Licata notes that in the end there is “only one burning question: How well did I love?” For me, this is the missing puzzle piece. No matter what is the challenge before us, are we willing to risk loving and being loved in the midst of our life journey?
The answer must always reflect the clarity that every experience we have shapes us into who we will eventually become. And every experience we have creates an opportunity to love, to listen thoughtfully, and to show compassion and grace to all we meet, including ourselves. For while the puzzle of life may be complex, the choice to love and be loved is quite simple. It all begins with me pouring the puzzle pieces of my life onto the metaphorical card table and slowly putting the pieces together. Over time, the different pieces will interlock with each other, and the resulting picture that emerges is one that is beautiful, whole and complete. Then, the miracle of life appears before us and we are blessed beyond measure to experience it each and every day.
© Geery Howe 2025
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