See More Than The Saint’s Pockets

As we move day by day through this holiday season, I am reminded of the following old saying from India: “When a pickpocket meets a saint, all he sees are the saint’s pockets.”

It seems to me that during this current holiday season, there are many days when we just focus on the saint’s pockets. We are surrounded by external sounds and sights. Everything is a blaze of colors and wrapping paper, parties and baking, shopping and gift giving. 

But in the end, are focused on the pockets or the person?

For me, this time of year is all about connections, internal and external. It is a celebration of hope and renewal, love and kindness, compassion and grace, blessings and miracles. 

It is a time when we let go of the dualistic thinking of either/or, and instead embrace the larger understanding of both/and. Here, we find the Real Presence, where the transformation that is hoped for is also experienced. 

I love the lights, the celebrations, the gifts, and the food. I love the coming together of friends and family. But most of all I enjoy the moments when the peace of this season fills the house and the people within it. I also enjoy how the music of the season fills our hearts. When all of this happens, I can see more than just the pockets. I see the whole thing, and know the heart and soul of this special time period. 

As we enter this last full week of 2024, I wish you and your family many blessings, and special connections. I hope you find this time period a transformational experience. I look forward to connecting with you in the New Year!

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change

Clarifying Expectations

Marcus Buckingham and Curt Coffman in their seminal work, First, Break All The Rules: What The World’s Greatest Managers Do Differently. (Simon & Schuster, 1999), write that “Talented employees need great managers. How long he stays and how productive he is while he is there is determined by his relationship with his immediate supervisor.” They continue by pointing out that “the only way to generate enduring profits is to begin by building the kind of work environment that attracts, focuses, and keeps talented employees.” 

In order to create the aforementioned environment, Buckingham and Coffman came up with 12 questions, which are often called the Q12. Today, I want to focus on the first question: “Do I know what is expected of me?” While many leaders and managers need to answer this for themselves, they also need to check whether or not their direct reports are clear about their expectations of them.

Over the course of the last six months, numerous people have visited with me about this subject. Most start with clarifying expectations for their direct reports, and then are wondering if they are having communication issues when they are not met. And to a degree that might be true. However, I believe the problem is that most leaders and managers do not grasp the framework related to setting expectations. 

In the beginning, Buckingham and Coffman define a manager’s key activities as the following: “select a person, set expectations, motivate the person, develop the person.” Thus, after the hiring process has been completed, most leaders and managers go straight to the expectations clarification process. 

However, we need to zoom out before we zoom into this step. Buckingham and Coffman make two key points that impact the clarifying of expectations that most people skipped over in their rush to communicate their expectations. First, “healthy companies need strong bonds to develop between each manager and each employee.” The goal of clarifying expectations is to strengthen the bond between the manager and the employee, not to control the employee or to set them up for failure. 

Second, as they note, “a company should not force every manager to manage his people in exactly the same way. Each manager will, and should, employ his own style.” I think the challenge here is that very few, if any, managers are clear about “their own style.” They didn’t do this level of work and thus their engagement process with employees is wishy-washy at best. 

Once we grasp these two key points, it is time to look at the aforementioned key activities. Clarifying expectations is part of a larger framework. And if you do not grasp the framework, then the singular action of clarifying expectations can be problematic. 

In the book, First, Break All The Rules, the authors expand this framework in greater detail. As they write, “select for talent... Not simply experience, intelligence, or determination; define the right outcomes ... Not the right steps;  focus on strengths ... Not on weaknesses; find the right fit ... Not the next rung on the ladder.”

The critical element in my coaching people on this subject is to not start by clarifying expectations, but to instead focus on defining on the “right outcomes.” As Brene Brown in her book, Dare To Lead: Brave Work, Tough Conversations, Whole Hearts (Random House, 2018), writes, “What does done look like?” I would modify this excellent question to “What do the right outcomes look like when people are successful?” Often what happens in this discussion is that there is not a line of sight from the expectations that have been clarified to the right outcomes that people are held accountable for over time. 

Finally, Buckingham and Coffman offer one more nugget of gold in their book, namely “People don’t change that much. Don’t waste time trying to put in what was left out. Try to draw out what was left in. That is hard enough.” This is a philosophical framework to the whole performance and expectations framework. Even if you can create alignment between expectations and outcomes, one must ultimately develop the person and build on their strengths. 

This week, reflect on the above perspective, and consider rereading this book as you prepare for 2025. There is always more to learn and relearn when it comes to helping people be more successful. 

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change

Stressed and Overwhelmed

We were visiting by phone one afternoon when he shared with me that he was deeply frustrated. People were coming at him with decisions needing to be made from all corners of the organizations. Some were large and others were quite small. Every one of these decisions took time to make and time to implement. 

Furthermore, his team was not as cohesive as he wanted them to be. The trust was good some days and not so good others days. In particular, he was impatient with execution at the team level and with the pace of change happening throughout the company. In short, he was just worn out and feeling overwhelmed. 

As he continued to share, I was reminded of something Brene Brown explained in her book, Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience (Random House, 2021). As she wrote, “… human emotions and experiences are layers of biology, biography, behavior, and backstory.” Recognizing this framework, she continues, “We feel stressed when we evaluate environmental demands as beyond our ability to cope successfully. This includes elements of unpredictability, uncontrollability, and feeling overloaded.” As she notes, “Stressful situations cause both physiological (body) and psychological (mind and emotion) reactions.” On the other hand, “Overwhelmed means an extreme level of stress, an emotional and/or cognitive intensity to the point of feeling unable to function…. Feeling stressed and feeling overwhelmed seem to be related to our perception of how we are coping with our current situation and our ability to handle the accompanying emotions.” Jon Kabat-Zinn describes overwhelmed as the all-too-common feeling “that our lives are somehow unfolding faster than the nervous system and psyche are able to manage well.”

For me, the combination of being stressed and overwhelmed is very difficult. I know this on a personal level and on a professional level. I also know this place as an executive coach, having worked with various leaders over numerous decades. I know that the one-two punch of being stressed and overwhelmed is connected to our “biology, biography, behavior, and backstory.” And each part of this can be explored, unpacked, and examined over time. But in the beginning, when we are caught in the middle of it all, it is hard to know where to begin, and what to do. Therefore, I always recommend three choices during this challenging combination. 

First, we need to stay open to new ideas and perspectives. Eckhart Tolle explains what happens to us when we are stressed and overwhelmed. As he writes, “The human condition: lost in thought.” And that is what happens. We are lost in our thoughts and our thinking. The overload happens at the cognitive level and at the physical level. 

But in the world of leadership, we see it most in the cognitive level. As he continues, “Most people spend their entire life imprisoned within the confines of their own thoughts. They never go beyond a narrow, mind-made, personalized sense of self that is conditioned by the past.” And when events and decisions are unfolding faster than our cognitive system can manage, then we default to past decisions and choices. We are not open to new ideas and perspective. We even default to a sense of self that questions our capacity to lead and even our definition of self. 

To truly remain open to new ideas and perspectives, I believe we need to go deep rather than assume we are always right. The pathway to this choice begins when we grasp that the stewardship of stillness creates the resilience of stillness. When we choose to make regular time for inner stillness, namely the reduction of our inner noise through reflection and contemplation, we create resiliency and the capacity to function again in the midst of extreme stress and the constant barrage of incoming information and decisions. As Eckhart Tolle reminds us, “When you lose touch with inner stillness, you lose touch with yourself. When you lose touch with yourself, you lose yourself in the world.” And loosing yourself in the world is exactly what happens when we are stressed and overwhelmed. 

Second, we need to keep our heart open. It is too easy to shut down emotionally and socially when we are stressed and overwhelmed. The desire to go into the metaphorical cave and roll the rock across the doorway is a common choice. Yet, if we seek to keep our hearts open, we need to understand two things. First, we can not get through being stressed and overwhelmed without the support and assistance of others. And we need to appreciate and value these relationships if we seek to get to the other side of this challenging combination. Second, we need to show ourselves some grace and self-compassion. As Christopher Willard, PsyD reminds us, “Self-compassion helps us to be okay with the fact that growth and healing happen on different timelines.” And this is critical to keeping an open heart. 

Third, we need to re-discover the sacred in the ordinary. “There are two ways to live your life,” writes Albert Einstein. “One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” When we seek to get past being stress and overwhelmed, we must re-discover that many miracles are happening all around us and that the outcomes are always transcendent and restorative. 

To live a life where we understand that “everything is a miracle,” we must recognize two things. First, we need to recognize that the opportunity to get older is a gift denied to many people. And that aging always comes with large and small challenges. Second, we need to recognize that as we age, we have the opportunity to mentor those younger and to share the lessons learned from our life’s most challenging experiences. The combination of these two insights provides a framework for recognizing that miracles are all around us. We just have to connect with them and value their gifts. As the poet Mark Nepo reminds us, “Creation is ongoing. The world begins anew each day. This is the miracle that makes not a sound, but which changes everything, if we can. Be quiet enough to feel it happen. When we can participate in this, we gain anew each day.” 

So when we are stressed and overwhelmed, we need to stay open to new ideas and perspectives, keep our heart open, and re-discover the sacred in the ordinary. And the best way to do these three things on a regular basis is to follow the advice of the late Irish poet, author and priest, John O’Donohue. As he wrote, “… the deepest things we have inherited have come down to us across the bridges of meaningful conversations.” And this is where we begin again and again. Through the bridge of meaningful conversations, we remember that creation is ongoing and the world begins anew each day. This is happening within us and all around us. We have just to remember and take it all to heart. 

© Geery Howe 2024

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change

Stop Slamming Doors

“We do not teach meditation to the young monks,” explained Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh to American Trappist monk, Thomas Merton in 1966. “They are not ready for it until they stop slamming doors.” The minute I read this statement I thought it could be equally applied to teaching young leaders. (Note: I use the term “young” in reference to the amount of time someone has been in a leadership position, not the specific age of a leader). Until they “stop slamming doors,” they are not ready. 

The metaphorical, slamming of doors by young leaders reflects their choice to categorize, fix, and control everything around them. Nine times out of ten, this default choice is focused on people. They categorize their direct reports as broken and/or weak, and then attempt to fix their weaknesses rather than to build on their strengths. They also seek to control all their choices and actions. In essence, they slam the door on their direct report’s ability to change or make progress. Instead, they focus on control and command of all that is happening around them. 

The outcome of this choice over time is fear, intimidation, and dominance. This does not generate anything more than a forced movement forward. It also does not create people who are resilient, adaptive, aware, and creative. In short, the door is slammed shut, control is asserted, and status quo is maintained. 

Conscious or unconscious, the choice to assert control is based on young leaders being afraid of loosing control and being afraid of change. In particular, they fear the messy unknown elements that happen when they are not in charge. They also fear the judgement of others. So, as a result, they double down on control. 

But this slamming of doors and asserting control also reflects what is happening on the inside. As Richard Pascale, Mark Millemann and Linda Gioja in their book, Surfing The Edge of Chaos: The Laws of Nature and the New Laws of Business, (Three Rivers Press, 2000), write, “Humans tend to regard chaotic that which they can not control.” And it is this lack of internal capacity to handle the feelings of chaos that results in a choice to control everything. For at it’s root, I think the feelings of chaos quickly turn into panic and fear. Then, with this kind of internal struggle taking place, control seems like a logical and smart choice. 

Nevertheless, if we seek to teach young leaders how to lead and to stop slamming doors, then we need to give them helpful tools that can assist them in keeping the doors open. The first tool is to listen more and speak less. As an Indian yogi once noted, “Before speaking, consider whether it is an improvement upon silence.” When we choose to listen more and speak less, the goal is to better understand what actually is happening, i.e. the root causes and choices taking place, rather than what should be happening. 

The second tool is to engage in respectful inquiry. Here, the leader’s goal is to ask questions in order to sense and understand why people are making the choices they are making. We need to be curious in a respectful and non-judgement way. The phrase “tell me more” is a powerful act as a leader. It reflects a desire to better understand what is happening and why it is happening. Then, with this in mind, the leader can co-create solutions with others. This choice empowers all involved to come up with realistic solutions and better choices. 

The third tool compliments the first two. When someone listens more and speaks less, and when someone engages in respectful inquiry, they need some concrete statements that counteract the default choice of control. For these I turn to the writings of Canadian author of mystery novels, Louise Penny, whose lead character Chief Inspector Armand Gamache, teaches his direct reports four statements. They are: “I’m sorry,” “I don’t know,” “I need help,” and “I was wrong.” 

Each of these four statements is a master class in exceptional leadership, because at the core of these statements is a fundamental choice to focus on shared responsibility for what is happening rather than the choice to focus on creating or maintaining power over people or controlling people. Collectively or individually, each statement shows respect and integrity for another person. They also recognize that more than one person, namely the positional leader, might have the answer or solution to a problem. Finally, each statement reflects the idea that leadership should be about those who are being led more than about the person who is leading. 

Young leaders can learn to become better leaders. With the right tools, mindset, and perspective, they can break their default choice of control over others. Yet, in the beginning, they need to stop slamming metaphorical doors and instead keep them open, inviting others to join them in co-creating better solutions and better choices through shared ownership, understanding, and commitment. 

© Geery Howe 2024

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change