Introduction
We are all gloriously, complex individuals. Why? Because each of us starts life in different places, at different time periods, and with different perspectives based on different life experiences. And yet, given this diversity, we all want our life to be meaningful and productive. We also want to know that our work and our lives matter. We even want to make progress on a daily basis.
Yet, some days, we are stumped about how to proceed and what to do next. Some days, we struggle. Some days, we get frustrated. Some days, our inner and outer challenges converge, and we end up defaulting to old choices.
This is a normal, and we do not like it. When it does happen, we want to control everything around us. Still, on our better days, we remember that life is gloriously complex and as a result, we are gloriously complex people.
The Default Network Problem
A while back, two people called me because they were stumped about how to proceed with a particular group. They were wanting to institute a variety of system changes and their group was resisting plus not taking ownership of the process. During our time together, it became clear that the team leader was focused on what needed to get done, and on how things ought to get done They also were not building a collective understanding of why change needed to take place.
Furthermore, upon examination, it was clear that the team leader was not building the primary relationships with individual team members, only participating in the group level work. While the normal solution to this situation was to focus on explaining why change needed to take place, and to engage in proactive relationship building, I believed the root of the problem was that the team leader needed to grow their inner leadership rather than just expand their outer actions.
A long time ago, Margaret Wheatley wrote, “When confronted with the unknown, we default to the known.” I believe that nine times out of ten we do this unconsciously. We have a knee-jerk reaction rather than make a thoughtful and mindful choice. And we do this repeatedly over time.
Furthermore, these unconscious responses are supported and confirmed by our default network of connections. Let me explain this in more depth. When we struggle, we routinely turn to others for perspective and insight. This network of people, be they operational or strategic, often confirm what we are thinking and feeling, and our resulting actions and choices. In short, our network routinely reinforces our defaulting to the known, referencing Wheatley’s earlier quote.
Therefore, leaders need to build and maintain a very diverse network of people. This kind of network is made up of people who will challenge our thinking and our choices in a safe and productive manner. This kind of network expands our perspective and counters our default responses. This kind of network includes coaches and mentors, who give us connective advantage, referencing the work of Herminia Ibarra in her book, Act Like A Leader, Think Like A Leader (Harvard Business Review Press, 2015), i.e. “the ability to marshal information, support, or other resources from one of your networks to obtain results in another [network].”
After visiting with the team leader who needed to work on her inner leadership, it became clear to both of us that her default network was part of the problem. People, who she was regularly visiting with, did not ask questions about her default choices. Instead, they only confirmed them. Over time, she realized that she needed to expand her network to include a broader set of people. She also realized that she needed to transform herself first rather than thinking the others involved in this situation needed to change first.
A New Beginning Starts With An Ending
Years ago, Kevin Cashman wrote, “If you want to become a better leader, you first have to become a better person.” It seems to me that many people missed this quote in their rush to get to the next meeting or to complete the next item on their daily checklist. And it seems to me that many people, who did read this quote, thought it was all about them changing themselves on the outside rather than them beginning to change themselves on the inside.
When I reflect on the many successful leaders who I met over the course of my career, those who sought to become a better person, they knew that this meant taking stock of their beliefs, values, and choices. And upon evaluating these elements of their life, they determined which parts to keep and which parts no longer served a productive purpose in their life journey. In essence, the first step to becoming a better person and ultimately a better leader was to stop doing some things rather than to start doing something new. In short, their new beginning started with an ending.
As we take stock of our inner beliefs, we are choosing to end our old definition of self. For those in leadership positions, this typically means ending a form of leadership based on control, intimidation, and dominance over others. Instead, we seek to lead through clarity and respect more than fear and blame. The hard part is that many leaders do not realize they routinely default to control and command. It is their unconscious default choice learned over years of working through hard times. The difficulty is that this form of leadership works. It moves people, but not in the same direction as respect, integrity, and clarity.
A long time ago, Patrick Lencioni wrote a book called The Five Temptations of a CEO: A Leadership Fable (Jossey-Bass, 1998). In it, he outlines the following five temptations: choosing status over results, choosing popularity over accountability, choosing certainty over clarity, choosing harmony over productive conflict, and choosing invulnerability over trust. Each of these temptations work on one level, but over time they significantly damage the relationships that are critical to problem solving and continual improvement. Still, many people default to them because of the internal belief that by pleasing everyone around them, they will be a better leader, and generate amazing outcomes at work and at home.
Yet this commitment to being liked by everyone comes at a cost. Over time, trust at the personal level, the team level, and the company level will decline. And this results in disrespect, feelings of constantly being overwhelmed, a lack of clarity, and very poor communication throughout the company. This can even spill over to the home front with fractured personal relationships.
Nevertheless, not all is lost if we seek to become better people. The endings are not quick or easy, but over time, and with the right amount of support from a diverse network of key people, and a commitment to do the inner work alongside the outer work, there is hope. As James Kouzes and Barry Posner in their book, A Leader’s Legacy (Jossey-Bass, 2006), write, “The wisest advice we can give is never to expect someone else to change…. leadership development is first and foremost self-development.”
Seeing Old Things With New Eyes
“Change is not about understanding new things or having new eyes,” writes Dee Hock, Founder & CEO Emeritus, Visa International. “It’s about seeing old things with new eyes - from different perspectives.” The growth of inner leadership starts with the capacity to see life from multiple perspectives.
When I coach people who will want to become better leaders, I routinely ask them what other people on their team think about the current problems before the team or the company. I started doing this because one day while visiting with a world class specialist about a healthcare challenge that my local healthcare team could not solve, the doctor asked me the following question: “What does your mother think is the problem?”
After taking my full history, doing a physical examination plus reviewing all my test results, I was surprised by his question. I paused and said, “Well, she and I discussed it before my coming here to see you. My mom think I have Lyme’s disease.”
He pulled out my paperwork, scanned some test results, and then said: “Interesting. I had not considered this option, but you do spend a lot of time outside gardening, and some of your symptoms overlap with that potential diagnosis. Good for your mom to be open minded. We can test for that pretty quickly to get a clear and definitive answer.”
Within a short time period, we learned that I did not have Lyme disease. Still, the willingness of the doctor to look at my health situation from various perspectives, including how my mom viewed the whole situation, was impressive. And I have not forgotten the courage he had to suspend his diagnostic skill set and look at “old things with new eyes - from different perspectives.”
To date, I have never asked a client the question, “So, what does your mother think is the problem?” Instead, I have regularly expanded our discussion on how to be a better leader by asking people to consider various points and perspectives held by other people, and then to sort out what old ideas, beliefs, and paradigms should be maintained and which should be jettisoned for a more holistic and healthy way of living and working.
To be continued on Tuesday.
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