Having coached people for many decades, I routinely get asked questions about coaching people. Some want to explore how to do it. Others want to explore why we need to do it. And finally, some just want to explore what is coaching.
When starting a discussion about what is coaching, I like to reference the definition that Rodd Wagner and James K. Harter use in their book, 12: The Elements of Great Managing (Gallup Press, 2006). As they explain, a coach or mentor is “anyone who, in the eyes of the employee, ensures she successfully navigates the course. The important aspect is not which of many terms this protector goes by - friend, coach, advisor, sponsor, counselor, supporter- but whether the employee feels she is not abandoned inside the business.”
For me, coaching focuses on helping someone not feel “abandoned inside the business,” while mentoring focuses on helping someone not feel “abandoned” in life’s journey. The distinction is subtle but important. As an executive coach, I am hired to coach people in their professional work life. Some days, they ask me to mentor them in their personal life journey.
However, I know that I am not qualified to help them with their private life. For me, that is the work of highly qualified and experienced therapists, counselors, and psychologists. I can be of support to an individual, but I do not have the background to offer insight or perspective in this area of their life.
When it comes to coaching and to degree mentoring, I like the way Kevin Cashman defines it in his book, Awakening the Leader Within: A Story of Transformation (John Wiley & Sons, Inc. 2003). He says there are two kinds of coaching, namely transactive coaching which focuses on the transferring of competencies, skills and/or techniques, and transformational coaching which focuses on shifting people's view about themselves, their values, and their sense of purpose.
From my experience, the movement back and forth from transactive coaching to transformational coaching is pretty seamless. Some days as a coach I just know more about a specific topic than the person I am coaching. At this point, I am more like a teacher than a coach, focused on educating the person about the topic of discussion, sharing both what the research says and my own experience. My goal is to share knowledge in order that the person is more prepared and skillful in handling a particular problem or situation.
On other days, I am more focused on a person’s mindset than their skill set. Here, I am trying to help them with how they are framing up the problem or situation before them. I am assisting them in seeing the problem or situation from different angles or perspectives. My goal is to help them choose a more holistic world view of what is happening and why. This line of coaching routinely helps people in their willingness and commitment to dealing with a problem or situation. Whether it is coaching related to work or mentoring related to life’s journey, I always approach both of these activities as a structured dialogue and development process to improve their professional or personal competence and understanding in order to help them execute their goals and/or choices.
Most coaches and mentors do not grasp that many individuals seek out a coach when things have gone crazy or chaotic in their life. I frame this up as coaching by catastrophe with the goal being to get through the chaotic times. This choice helps an individual, but it is situational, and once the person gets to other side, they often stop seeking out this kind of help.
On the other hand, there is a different way to engage with a coach or a mentor. I frame this up as coaching by intention. The choice is not to fix a problem or to get through a difficult situation. Instead, the choice is to gain insight and perspective before something becomes a problem. The intent is to build an on-going dialogue in order to be prepared before, during, and after any thing surfaces, be it a problem, a chaotic situation, or a total lack of understanding that leaves one confused and struggling.
As part of this coaching and mentoring by intention, I am reminded of something that Parker Palmer wrote about in his book, On the Brink of Everything: Grace, Gravity & Getting Old (Berrett-Koehler, 2018). As he pointed out, “Age and experience have taught me that mentoring is not a one-way street. It’s mutuality in which two people evoke the potentials in each other…. Equally important, mentoring gives us a chance to welcome one another into a relationship that honors our vulnerability and our need for each other. Mentoring is a gift exchange in which elders receive at least as much as we give, often more.” Palmer calls this exchange of mentoring as “intergenerational electricity,” a term that I love as I do more mentoring with younger people.
Recognizing that everyone needs more coaching and mentoring in their life, I also am reminded of something a workshop participant told me back in the early 90’s: “Never go to a counselor who does not have a counselor. Everyone has stuff they need to work on, especially the people who coach and counsel others.”
A long time ago, I encountered a situation in my private life where I was so far outside my comfort zone that I did not know which way was up or down. I was so lost that my wife and I decided to sit down with an older friend of ours who was an experienced counselor. I explained the situation to her and said, “What do I with all of this?” She paused and then replied, “You need to see a counselor who understands this kind of situation. And the minute you think you are done, keep going. There will always be more levels to unpack and work through.”
And since that time together, I have seen a counselor on a regular basis. It has been the best investment of my time and energy. It also has been a ton of hard work to keep moving forward. As an old client of mine would always say at the end of our coaching visits, “onward and upward!” I still smile because that is how I feel about the work I do with my counselor.
While I have engaged with a counselor for many decades, which is something that always surprises people when I tell them this, I also actively seek out and connect with my mentors. They offer me new and deeply thought-proving insights too.
For example, one of my favorite mentors and I were having breakfast together recently when he said it was “nice to grow old with someone much younger.” I just smiled because I never thought of being in my late 60s as being “much younger.” Yet from his vantage point of being 20+ years my senior, I am still early in my learning journey.
During this particular visit, we were discussing the subject of how to listen to you inner voice, what Howard Thurman called “the sound of the genuine” within us and around us. He pointed out that this kind of listening was “not with your ears.” Instead of thinking of the inner voice as speaking in words and sentences, he explained to me that we need to frame up this kind of listening as something we do with our hearts and spirit. We need to listen to the feeling more than the words.
The joy for me in this moment of intergenerational electricity was the realization that I would never have come up with this perspective or insight about listening on my own. But through our on-going dialogue, we uncovered this deep truth and realized it as a gift for both of us.
Coaching and mentoring relationships are life long opportunities for new growth. They are deeply important to restoring clarity in our lives at home and at work. Through this kind of sharing, we are able to live a rich and meaningful life.
© Geery Howe 2024
No comments:
Post a Comment