My Father’s Hands

Some times when I am coaching, I look down at my hands to gather my thoughts before speaking. Recently, when I have done this, I have encountered a unique experience, namely that I see my father’s hands in mine. In particular, it is the way the skin lays across the back of my hand and how it forms around my fingers and knuckles. It is exactly the way it looked on my father’s hands as he got older. In one way, this should not surprise me as I am my father’s son. But still, it puts life’s journey into perspective when I realize I am part of a lineage of people who came before me. In particular, my life, and my body are connected to the DNA and well being of those who came before me. 

My late father died in the first wave of COVID back in April of 2020. At 98 years old and living on the east coast, neither my brother nor I could get there in time to be with him at his passing. And if we could have gotten there, the hospital would not have let us in. So, our good-byes and final words to him happened by the grace and gift of a hospice nurse, who used her own, personal cell phone to FaceTime with us so we could have that brief moment of connection. 

My last vision of my father before he turned his head away from the camera on her phone was him tapping his right hand on top of his left hand. It was not an act of dismissal as much as a realization of the road ahead, an act of love from a father to a son and a daughter-in-law. It was something I had seem him do so many times over the course of his life, an acknowledgement of what was being said and felt. 

My father was a complex man who shared often about his professional life and interests, but rarely spoke about his internal, personal life and journey. Still, in his own quiet way, I knew he loved me and he loved our family. And he knew that I loved him, too. 

In the Disney movie, The Lion King, there is a wonderful song called “He Lives In You.” The person singing this song understands their interconnection with others. I know that the best of my father lives in me. He constantly role modeled his values and role modeled what was important to him in his teaching and sharing. Over time, his actions became part of the framework of who I became and what I choose to live and role model with others. 

However, I think we get so busy and consumed by life that we forget we live in each other, not just beside each other. The people I meet routinely change me, and I suspect I have changed them. My choice is to be open to being changed by these interactions and to recognize our interdependencies as we move through life’s journey. My father’s hands are now my hands and maybe one day in the future one of our sons or grandsons will see my hands in their hands. We live in each other, and now is the time to remember this as we move forward together through this new year. 

© Geery Howe 2023

Geery Howe, M.A. Consultant, Executive Coach, Trainer in Leadership, Strategic Planning and Organizational Change Morning Star Associates