The second step to quiet compassion is to assist someone in understanding the “big picture,” and to help them understand how that big picture is changing. When overwhelmed and struggling, many people choose to control their life. They want everything, including people, children, and pets, to be orderly and to be predictable. While this is admirable, it is not always realistic. Instead, there is a better choice and that is to help people see the big picture within which they are living and working.
Drawing on the work of Jim Collins and Morten T. Hansen in their book, Great By Choice: Uncertainty, Chaos, and Luck - Why Some Thrive Despite Them All (HarperCollins, 2011), the goal is to help someone learn how to “zoom out before they zoom in.” In particular, this requires people to learn how in the midst of their challenges to stop and take stock of what is happening within them and around them. The goal here is to better understand what they are feeling and thinking rather than just getting caught up in a loop of constant reacting.
As people learn how to zoom out before zooming in, it is important to support them in understanding how the big picture is changing. In the beginning, we must ask questions to help people sense and name what they are experiencing. Then, over time, to assist them in understanding how their big picture is changing. In particular, we want to help them to determine if the risk profile, using a common business term, is changing and whether or not these changes require an individual to change their short term choices, or long term plans.
For those who are offering quiet compassion, this level of work requires great focus and determination. The goal is not to tell people what is their big picture, but instead to ask questions to help people see it and to offer unconditional support as they grasp the magnitude of what is before them. Then, we also need to help them to find the resources and people who will assist them moving through these challenges.
For all involved in this level of work, having a growth mindset rather than a solutions mindset is critical. We need to support someone to grow a deeper and more holistic understanding of their life and their life situation, rather than simply defaulting to a solutions mindset where everything and everyone is a merely a problem that needs to be fixed. This is easier said than done, but it still is important.
The fourth step to quiet compassion is to recognize that many people are struggling with “tangled networks,” a term defined by John Paul Lederach in his book, The Moral Imagination: The Art and Soul of Building Peace (Oxford University Press, 2005). Every day, people engage with their work networks and their personal networks. The former helps them with their current job responsibilities and the later helps them with their home responsibilities.
When people are overwhelmed and struggling, they often start by trying to fix something or find the right solution. I understand this desire to solve a problem, but part of the problem is that work responsibilities and problems plus home responsibilities and problems are all intertwined. For example, an individual can not solve a work problem without solving a home problem, or vice versa. Thus, they are dealing with a tangled network.
Those who offer quiet compassion understand this difficult situation and recognize that the starting place is not to ask the question, “What is the problem or the solution?” Instead, quiet compassion begins by asking a better question, namely, “Who do you know who knows a person who can help you create a way out of your current situation?”
This method of inquiry and reflection recognizes that Who questions need to precede the What questions. It is built on an understanding that realistic solutions emerge from relational resources and connections. It is a “relationship-centric approach” to dealing with hard times. According to Lederach, the overall goal is “to look at relationships through the lenses of social crossroads, connections, and interdependence.” It is ‘know-who’ more than “know-how.”
The final step to offering quiet compassion is to focus on being kind, rather than just doing kindness. The former focuses on the qualities of being friendly, generous, and considerate. It starts with inner courage and strength plus the willingness to be present to another person in the midst of their difficulties. The later focuses on action and problem solving.
When one chooses quiet compassion, they are willing to witness and acknowledge the suffering that is taking place. They are willing to be present in the midst of this time of pain, and to be a presence in their relationship network. The choice of being a presence recognizes that “stillness is not inactivity,” explains Lederarch. As he notes, “It is the presence of disciplined activity without movement…. Stillness requires a commitment of patience and watchfulness. Its guideposts are these: Slow down. Stop. Watch what moves around you. Feel what moves in you.” When we come from the place that unites stillness with quiet compassion, we understand that the mystery of life’s journey is that not everything goes according to our plans or our expectations. In fact, many times, our expectations are unrealistic, because they are based on control over faith, and certainty over clarity.
Furthermore, when we are suffering, we feel scattered and lost. And the one thing we have lost is our wholeness. We just feel like our parts are disconnected and scattered. We do not feel our lives are in alignment with our beliefs, hopes, and dreams.
Yet, when we are in the presence of someone who comes with an open heart and an open mind, we feel supported and hopeful about discovering a path forward. These quietly compassionate people recognize our shared humanity and our shared journey. They welcome us for who we are, not who we should be. They validate our dignity, worth, and wholeness even when we feel overwhelmed and broken. They comprehend that while life includes suffering, it is not solely defined by our suffering.
As M. Scott Peck wrote in his book, The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth (Simon & Schuster, 1978): “Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.”
With people who can offer quiet compassionate as part of our home and work networks, we can discover this great truth, understand it, and then accept it. Then, we can begin the journey of transcending it and moving forward in a more wholistic and healthy manner. And that will generate profoundly important new beginnings in our life journey.
© Geery Howe 2023
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