Introduction
It was mid-morning when the phone rang. I answered, and a long term client said, “Geery, have you got a minute to talk?”
“Sure, Tom. What’s up?”
“I was just diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. I don’t know what to do.”
“Whoa,” I replied. After a few minutes of discussing how he felt about this shocking news, I asked, “Does your wife know?”
“Yes.”
“Who else?”
“You.”
“Okay,” I responded. “It is time to activate your entire support system. First, call your priest for spiritual support. Second, figure out who and when to start. calling within your larger family. Next, sit down with your wife and come up with a plan about how you are going to tell the kids.”
Slowly, we walked through a short term plan to activate his support network at home, at work, and within his community. It was the beginning of a long journey.
Once this short term plan was figured out, I said to him, “Now, what did the doctors actually tell you about your form of cancer?” He talked for a couple of minutes and you could hear the hopelessness in his voice.
“That’s a lot to process, Tom. First thing you need to realize is that doctors talk about a diagnosis, a treatment plan, and a prognosis. The first is an explanation of what you have. The second is what they plan to do given what you have, and the third is what they think is going to happen. Make sure you understand all three of these things before moving forward. If possible, always bring someone with you to an appointment so they can take notes while you listen and process what they are saying.
Second, accept the diagnosis, but do not get defined by the prognosis. Remember each person walks the road of health differently. No one can fully predict your future and what will happen and when it will happen.
Third, if you do not like or trust your doctor, get a new doctor and always get a second opinion. They work for you rather that you just working for them.
Finally, asking for help is challenging but important. You and your wife have made many friends over the years. Let them support you during this time period.
Thanks for calling me this morning, Tom. I will be holding you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.”
“Thanks for being there, Geery,” he responded. “Time for me to call my priest and ask for his support. I’ll stay in touch for sure.”
When encountering a life changing event, the first steps are the hardest. Knowing who to turn to, and what to do next are complex choices. When we activate our support systems, we open up a vast network of help and assistance.
From my experience of helping people through life changing events, I have learned that we are much stronger than we think we are. I have learned that the first days are difficult and disorienting. Still, with safe people and being within safe spaces, we can make it through the time of initial shock and pain, because we are being supported in mind, body and spirit by hundreds of people. They are with us in thought, in person when possible, in prayer, and in love. This we can count on as we move forward.
Rediscover The Meaning Of Health
Many years ago, I taught a one week, class about how to teach stress management skills to patients and clients at the University of Iowa’s annual summer school for helping professionals. My students were mostly counselors, social workers, and nurses. In order to get their CEUs and/or graduate school credit, I had to administer a final exam. After much reflection, I created a one question final exam: “Can a dying person become healthy?” The answer was “yes.”
The words, health, healing, wholeness and holy, all have their origin in one word in old English. When we comprehend that the root of the word, healthy, includes the concept of healing, wholeness, and that which is holy, then the only answer can be “yes.” Health and curing are two different concepts. Healing, wholeness and holy are all interconnected. Thus, can a dying person discover or recover a sense of wholeness and that which is holy in the midst of their healing and dying? Absolutely yes!
Having visited with thousands of health care professionals and engaged in my own healing journey and experiences, I know that healing is possible even when we feel broken by life’s challenges.
When we encounter a life changing event, it is time for us to step back and draw on the complete definition of healing. With this perspective, we can move forward together through a difficult and transformative experience. As the old Haitian proverb goes, “after mountains, there are more mountains.” But that which is whole and holy is not lost in the mountains or along the mountains passes.
Your Life is Not Solely Defined By Your Work
My daughter-in-law is a former Emergency Department advanced trauma nurse and now is a critical care flight nurse who routinely travels with patients in the helicopter after an accident. Every shift, she deals with the worse accidents and the people in the most challenging situations.
Not too long ago, she told me that “I see broken bodies every day at work, but I do not see broken people.” Sometimes when we encounter a life changing event, our body experiences trauma, physical and/or emotional. We struggle and we hurt.
However, we must remember that we are more than just our physical body. We are the sum of our mind, body, heart, and spirit. And as such, we can be strong even in the midst of our pain and brokenness. Furthermore, we can draw on our faith to bring us peace and wholeness plus be surrounded by the love and support of family and friends. While these sound inconsequential, I know from personal and professional experience that they are not. Even in our most lonely and deeply challenging time periods, we are not alone. We are and can be held in a healing light, and love that transcends the trauma and the pain. One step toward this understanding begins when we build and define our lives by more than just our work identity. I know this from an experience I had many years ago.
One year, I was invited to be a keynote speaker at a bank’s all employee dinner meeting. When I arrived at the event, I sat with the CEO, the senior management team and their spouses. Once seated at the table and as the salad course was being served, the CEO turned to me and asked the following questions: “What was your father’s and your mother’s names? Do you have any brothers or sisters? What is your wife’s name? Your children?” Over the course of the meal, we talked about our collective families and their names, our different heritages, and all of the things we did when we were not working. We never really talked about work or banking.
Then, when the time came for me to speak, the CEO stood up and introduced me to the group: “I would like to introduce you to the son of Fielding and Pat Howe, the brother of Sam, the husband of Jane, and the father of Ryan and Jacob.” From there, he talked about my family’s roots and even a touch about my grandparents. He ended his introduction by mentioning, as an aside, that I also was a consultant, executive coach and trainer in the fields of leadership, strategic planning and organizational change. And then he handed me the microphone and the floor to speak.
I really had a hard time speaking in the beginning because I was all choked up and my eyes were full of tears. No one before that or after that has ever introduced me in this manner. It was deeply moving because, upon reflection, I realized that he saw me as a whole person, not just someone doing a job. He defined me by my roots and by the things that are most meaningful in my life.
Furthermore, he did not define me by my work, my personal experiences of trauma, or my challenging dyslexia. I think he understood they were a part of my life journey, but not all of my life journey. In essence, this individual did not define me by my “brokenness” as much as my wholeness.
And when we encounter a major life changing event, we should not define our entire life by the trauma we experienced. The event may change our life on so many levels, but we can choose our own definition of self. Remember my daughter-in-law’s perspective: “broken bodies, but not broken people.”
Confront Your Fear
“Have you got a minute to talk?”, she asked when I had answered the phone. I was surprised by the phone call and the request. She was the wife of a client of mine, and we had only met each other a few times over dinner.
“Sure, Betty. What’s up?”, I responded.
“I am calling from the hospital. Dick had a massive heart attack. He survived but is very weak. Once he could talk, he asked me to call you. He has a question for you. Is now a good time to hear his question? I can put him on if you are ready.”
“I would be glad to speak to him.”
“Thank-you, Geery.”
And then, she hand the phone to her husband.
“Hi, Geery,” said a weak voice on the other end of the line.
“Hi, Dick. Sorry to hear about what happened to you. What’s the question?”
There was a long pause and then he said, “Will I be forgotten if I die?”
“No, Dick,” I responded. “You will not be forgotten. You have an amazing family and great parents. You have quite a few brothers and sisters plus their husbands, partners and wives. They will not forget you. If you were to die today, they will tell stories about you for many years to come.
Furthermore, you have worked hard the last ten years to create a better work place. You have focused on service, integrity and teamwork. And your people have responded so well to this work. You have built a solid foundation for serving people well today and into the future. Plus you have focused on succession planning so as people retire, qualified people will rise up and replace those who have moved on,” I responded.
“Good. I just needed to hear that this morning. I am not afraid of dying now. They tell me I did it a couple of times before they stabilized me. I guess I am more afraid of being forgotten, and maybe a touch of living on the other side of this experience.”
“That’s normal, Dick. Now is the time to confront your fears and to say them out loud, but not to let them define you. Health and healing is never a return to a former lifestyle. It is all about moving forward and creating a new life. You have the fortitude and inner strength to do this.
“Do you trust your doctors?”, I inquired.
“Absolutely,” he responded. “This hospital is one of best in the state.”
“Great. Then, partner with them. Follow their advice and counsel plus their treatment plan. And most of all, count your blessings.” I paused for a long moment and then said, “And tell your wife and children that you love them. They need to hear it, and I have found from my own life experiences that it is good to say it to them, too.”
He paused for a moment and said, “Got it, Geery. Thanks for being there this morning.”
“Sure thing, Dick.”
“Geery?”
“Yes, Dick.”
“I love you, man.”
“Thanks, Dick. I love you, too.”
And then he handed the phone to his wife. “Thanks, Geery,” she said.
“My pleasure, Betty. We all need allies and confidants when confronting a life changing event. I am glad I could be there for him, and for you.”
Then, she and I visited for a couple of minutes. When she hung, I got up from the chair in my home office, and walked through the house until I found my wife. “Hey, honey.”
“Yes?”
“I love you.”
“Thanks,” she responded. “That’s nice. I love you, too.”
Sometimes, we just need to share from our heart and be present to the ones we love the most. It makes a world of difference, no matter what is happening around or within us.
Return To The Source
Jim Collins and Morten T. Hansen in their book, Great By Choice: Uncertainty, Chaos, and Luck - Why Some Thrive Despite Them All (HarperCollins, 2011), write: “It’s what you do before the storm hits - the decisions and disciplines and buffers and shock absorbers already in place - that matters most in determining whether your enterprise pulls ahead, falls behind or dies when the storm hits.” I feel that it is the same in your life when you encounter a life changing event. It is the decisions, disciplines and habits that you all ready have in place that make a huge difference in how you deal with life when “the storm hits.”
One of the most important habits is your faith. We all practice this differently and we all engage with the Divine in our own unique way. The key is to cultivate this discipline and to build a faith community before you need it.
I was sharing with an older couple one Sunday morning after our weekly service about how there are some Sunday mornings that I just don’t want to come. She responded, “Yes. I get that feeling too, but many years ago, we made a decision as a couple to always come to church on Sunday morning no matter what was going on in our lives. We decided to not make it a decision that had to be revisited every Sunday morning. Instead, we decided that we would always go. Good days and bad days, this one decision has made our life so much easier and better. We just don’t have to answer the question, ‘Do you want to go to church today?’ Now, we already know the answer.”
I reflected on her comments and remembered something that Reverend Tamra Tucker of The Crossing, a small and unconventional Episcopal community, founded in 2006 by young worshippers hoping for a new type of church, shares at the start of each service: “Every single piece of you [is] being welcomed into this space, not to conform to us, but to change us, and to lead with us.”
This is the mindset I believe we need to have when encountering a life changing event. I believe we can not always control what has happened but we can choose how we are going to respond to it. From my own personal experience and from being present with others who have gone through it too, the first step to moving forward is to work on our own intra-connectivity, namely my own relationship with the Divine. Through thoughtful reflection, learning, listening and centering, we can find and nurture this vital connection. It is the source where wholeness, health, healing and that which is holy all come together.
This is why I participate every Sunday morning in our faith community. By worshipping together, I discover and rediscover my intra-connectivity to myself and the Divine. Then, I am able to do the outer work of interconnectivity with my faith community plus with life’s journey and life’s challenges. The journey inward is part of the journey outward and onward.
Focus On Progress Over Perfection
When we encounter a difficult and life changing event, it feels like everything around us, and at times within us, has collapsed or is collapsing. The world and ourselves are turned upside down and, as a result, we feel totally overwhelmed and lost.
When I encountered a period in my life when I felt this way, a dear mentor of mine gave me some good and important advice. First, pause and take stock of the present moment. Where are you? Who are you with? Taking stock grounds us in the present moment, and helps us be here and now.
Second, figure out what you are feeling at this present moment. Naming your feelings helps you to process what you are experiencing.
Third, ask yourself this question: What is going right in this moment? While we may be feeling totally overwhelmed, we also may be surrounded by professional individuals who are trained to deal with life changing events like the one we are experiencing. Or we may be in a safe space and with safe people who are not judging us. Instead, they are supporting us as allies and confidants.
When we become grounded on all levels, physically, emotionally and mentally, we can then choose a path forward that seeks progress over perfection. As a button I saw many years ago stated, “there is no way to recovery except through recovery.” Be kind to yourself and others as you seek a path forward in your recovery from your life changing event.
Continue Planning For The Future
When we encounter a life changing event, it feels like our life has ended. And the truth of the matter is that, on one level, it has. Our old way of living, working, and engaging with life has ended. We are changed, whether we like it or not, by certain life experiences. They are defining moments. And then from that moment on, we see the world differently and we have a different perspective.
But, at the exact same time, we have important choices to make. In the book, From Strength To Strength: Finding Success and Deep Purpose In The Second Half Of Life (Penguin Publishing Group 2022), the author, Arthur Brooke, opens with the following passage from Psalm 84:5-7: “Blessed are those whose strength is in you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baka, they make a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength, until each appears before God in Zion.”
If we seek to move from strength to strength, then we must have the fortitude and depth of commitment to call upon our inner strength, and our inner courage. We then must connect this with all our outer resources and people in order to build a new future. This will be hard work and it will be challenging work, because we are redefining so many things on so many levels. However, with patience and with faith, we can pass through the valley of chaos and find a wellspring of hope, peace and clarity. We can go from strength to a new strength.
© Geery Howe 2022
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