Introduction
“Everything is just so messy these days,” she shared with me during a recent coaching session. “I just feel overwhelmed and lost by it all. I know we can do better and I know as a leader that I can do better, but messy is just so frustrating.”
When we choose to lead people through the world of organizational change, be it continual improvement or innovation, things and people get messy. This is normal. But often, leaders feel it is some form of strategic or operational failure. They expect change to happen, but without it disrupting daily order and predictability.
When messy happens, I just smile and remind people that if you want to make something better, like people, teams, systems or the company as a whole, messy is part of the process. It is just a reflection of being caught between what was and what will be.
At the same time, it is normal for leaders to feel overwhelmed and frustrated. This does not mean something has gone wrong. It is just an indication that we have to do better as leaders and we may need to change our way of leading.
Still, many leaders do not like messy, do not do messy, and really can not tolerate messy. So, they hit the proverbial “power through button,” referencing the work of Brene’ Brown. I believe this happens because we fear the judgement of others that often comes with messy, and we fear the loss of control and ultimately the unknown nature of messy. Thus, we power through it all and reassert control, order, and predictability in the hopes that messy will disappear and change will be over quickly.
Not long ago, I talked with my Kitchen Table Cabinet, who are a collection of individuals who I turn to for greater insights and understanding, about messy and powering through it. The collective wisdom of this special group was best summed up by one wise elder who told me that powering through messy will always result in “many broken ends.” In particular, there was a collective agreement from this group that powering through messy will result in broken people, broken systems, and even a broken culture.
Recognizing that there is a better way to move in forward in situations of this nature, I always advise leaders, who are worn and overwhelmed with messy change, to start first by focusing on becoming a better leader. It is not the easiest path, but I have learned that is the right choice each time, and it makes a major difference over time.
Be A Positive Presence And Be Present
I had been invited to speak about leadership and organizational change at a large corporation’s leadership institute designed to prepare key people for future upper level management positions. Together, the group and I explored what are the characteristics of people worth following and what are the normal stages that people go through in the world of change.
At around 11:30 am, the CEO and the COO both walked in, and sat down. There was an audible gasp from the participants as they reacted to the top two people showing up to engage in a discussion about the two articles that I had assigned as pre-readings before I came to teach. I even overheard one person say “What are they doing here? Someone must be in trouble.”
My response to the whole situation was just to smile. I had invited both of these people to come if they had the time. I also was their executive coach and wanted them to role model the importance of listening, sharing, and engaging with this group. I knew that what they had to share would create a great deal of clarity about the core mission of the company and its strategy given the current challenges within the market place.
So, many times when coaching people in leadership positions who want to get better at what they do, I have to remind them that being a positive presence in the company and being present are two different things. The former recognizes that where ever you go as a leader you are sending a message about what is important and who is important. Your physical presence in a meeting will always change the meeting and influence the meeting. The key is to be a positive presence and to role model integrity, respect and kindness.
The later recognizes that people in leadership positions are always busy. There are endless inputs and uncontrollable situations that arise. Rather than presenting yourself as a highly distracted individual who can not focus, we as leaders instead need to stay present to the people and the problems before us. By being present and by giving someone our undivided attention, we show that we care and respect their time and efforts.
For many decades, I have asked people about the leaders and managers who have influenced them in their career. And I have asked them about what these people actually did that was so influential. Time and time again, I have heard people share about how, when visiting with these individuals, they felt these individuals were 100% present and focused just on them, even if it was for just a couple of minutes. The outcome of this moment of connection was that they felt respected and valued. I know this same feeling when I have visited with great leaders. I also know that people notice and appreciate this action. Being a positive presence and being fully present is a valuable first step to becoming a better leader.
Speak and Role Model The Language of Kindness And Respect
Long ago, when I was much younger, I was a maintenance man. It was hard work and, at times, dirty and unappreciated work. When ever I am in a company and I cross paths with a janitor or a maintenance man, I always pause and thank them for the work they are doing. I know from experience how their work and they themselves often go unnoticed and unappreciated.
I remember one evening I was teaching a nursing CEU class on leadership at a small community college when I saw a janitor mopping the hall outside the classroom. I could not stop at the point to thank him for the work he was doing but I did acknowledge him before turning back to the class.
After 40 minutes of speaking, I gave those gathered a small group exercise and headed out to the bathroom. On my way, I met the janitor who was still mopping the hall and I thanked him for his good work. He paused and said to me, “I like what you shared about being respectful and thanking people. I got a card once from my supervisor about how clean the place looked when I was done cleaning. It made a world of difference and it made me proud of what I do. I even still have the card.”
I smiled and nodded in agreement. “It does make a difference when we treat each other well.”
“However,” he continued, “you missed something in your presentation.”
I was surprised by his comment and said “Oh, what did I miss?”
“Well, I had to mop the entire hall twice but once you were done, I realized that you did not tell them how often they should give positive feedback. My card is ten years old this month. Don’t you think people in leadership positions should show appreciation more than once every ten years?”
I agreed whole heartedly, and thanked him for his feedback. Once back from the bathroom, I shared the entire experience with the class before they went on their break. On the way out, numerous people paused and thanked the janitor for his work and for being such a good teacher. He just beamed and later give me a wink as he passed by my classroom door. Role modeling and speaking the language of kindness and respect is so powerful and so important.
Watch Out For Default Patterns
“When confronted with the unknown,” writes Margaret Wheatley, “we default to the known.” This single sentence is mission critical to becoming a better leader. All of us, myself include, have default patterns for dealing with the unknown. Be they problems or people, we often choose known strategies and known forms of communication to handle complexity, difficulties or challenges. Sometimes, we do this consciously and some times we do this unconsciously. But in the end, a default choice is a default choice.
Recognizing this natural tendency, many leaders seek to improve their awareness and understanding of their default tendencies. And I fully approve this rise in consciousness to make better choices and better decisions. But over time, I have come to realize that awareness and understanding does not always translate into real and sustainable, behavioral change. This only happens when we invest the time and energy to explore our defaults with mentors and coaches. These individuals can be a mirror and a a window into our choices, referencing the work of Jim Collins in his book, Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap. . . and Others Don't (HarperBusiness, 2001). They help us to better understand our leadership choices and help us to more clearly see the world around us.
And the best of these coaches and mentors do one more thing. They help us build a support system of allies and confidants who will assist us in our own personal and professional change process. They recognize that this support group will help people make better choices on a daily basis.
Defaulting to the known happens because leader often have to deal with adaptive problems on a regular basis. Still with the right infrastructure of support and perspective, these default choices can change over time. We can become better leaders when we surround ourselves the the right people. Experience and support do make a big difference in this level of work.
Be Open To New Relationships And New Experiences
“When was the last time you made a new friend?” I ask this question often when coaching people who want to become a better leader. The question often surprises people. Many have to think about it. Most come to the conclusion that it has been a long time since that happened.
Many years ago, I realized that most of my friends were people I had met through my wife. A matter of fact many of our friends were clearly my wife’s friends. This stunned me. It had been a long time since I had made a new friend. While I knew many people through work, I realized that I did not have a lot of friends.
I told my wife about this realization, and we began to brainstorm about how I could change this situation. Over numerous conversations, I came to understand that there were two people in particular that I admired in our faith community, and would enjoy visiting with at a greater level and depth. However, I was uncomfortable about how to approach them and start the process.
“Just ask one of them out for coffee,” said my wife.
“I don’t really like coffee,” I replied.
“Try something new and invite them out for coffee. It’s only coffee.”
With a great deal of nervousness, I asked one of them named George out for coffee at a local coffee shop. While I am comfortable standing up in front over a thousand people to speak, I was really worried about visiting with one person over a cup of coffee.
When we got to the actual coffee house, I realized two things. First, since I did not like coffee, I did not know how to order it in a real coffee shop. Second, I had no idea what we were going to talk about during our time together. So, I took the first step and said to George, “I don’t really know how to order coffee, and I really never have had coffee that I liked. What do you recommend?”
He looked at me for a moment and said “Let me order for you.” And he did.
Once it was ready, we found a small table, sat down and I had a sip of the coffee he ordered. I was surprised. I liked it. And I told him, “This is delicious. Thanks for ordering it for me.”
He smiled and replied, “Your welcome. I think you have spent a lot of time drinking bad and/or cheap coffee. There is a difference between the good stuff that is brewed correctly and the bad stuff that mostly ends up tasting bitter and very burned.” I smiled and nodded my head. Then, we just started talking about good food and life. A new friendship had begun.
Upon reflection, I realized that being open to new experiences and creating new relationships goes hand in hand. Furthermore, there is a difference between having the knowledge of something and having the knowledge plus the experience of something. If we seek to become a better leader, then we need to be open to both new experiences and new relationships. We have to create the time for this to happen, and then invest the time to make it happen.
As Margaret Wheatley wrote years ago, “In organizations, real power and energy is generated through relationships. The patterns of relationships and the capacities to form them are more important than tasks, functions, roles, and positions.” The essence of becoming a better leader is to create better and more meaningful relationships. And this begins when we are open to having new experiences on a regular basis.
Seek Continual Progress Over Perfection
“Perfectionism is a defensive move,” writes Brene Brown in her book, Dare To Lead: Brave Work, Tough Conversations, Whole Hearts (Random House, 2018). “Perfectionism is not about self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval. Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system.”
So many times, we define getting better at something as getting it right or doing it perfectly. We think the solution is all about working hard and working longer. However, the harder we push forward in this manner, the more we feel worn, hurried, and overwhelmed. We also do not achieve the desired end result of getting better. We just get more stressed, and over time unable to function very well.
Still, the desire to get better is a worthwhile goal. It can result in a meaningful and fulfilling life as a leader. The goal is to begin by being a positive presence and to be present to yourself and others. Next, it is to speak and role model the language of kindness and respect, plus watch out for your default patterns. Finally, the goal is to be open to new relationships and new experiences. All of these done together over time can create a new beginning of you live and work in the land of leadership.
And an outcome of doing this level of work is best summed up by Margaret Wheatley when she wrote, "If we as leaders can ensure that our organization knows itself, that it's clear at its core, we must tolerate unprecedented levels of 'messiness' at the edges." The same goes for us as people. When we know ourselves and are clear at our own core, then we can tolerate the messiness at both personal and professional levels of life. We can move forward together and make this world a better place to live and work for all people, including ourselves and our families.
© Geery Howe 2022
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