Having spent a career sitting in a wide variety of large and small conference rooms and in a wide diversity of meetings, there was one phrase I would hear over and over, week after week, month after month. It was “I hear you.” Sometimes, this was said to shut someone up. Other times, it was said to communicate that their message was received. And often, it was just said reflexively, and didn’t indicate a thing other than “let’s move on to the next subject.”
But, upon reflection, I have come to realize two, small but important things about communication. First, listening and understanding are not the same thing. Second, seeing and recognizing are not the same thing either.
So many times, a meeting would become extremely unproductive, because someone in a management or leadership position would equate listening and seeing as being equal to understanding and recognition. And, when I was facilitating these meetings or engaging in complex levels of strategic planning during these meetings, this lack of perspective would set a group back, at times, weeks, months, or even longer in their capacity to move through the challenges before them as individuals, and as a group.
When I encountered this situation, it took a great deal of energy to stop the group and back them up to the place where things became awkward, or went metaphorically south. I had to help all involved recognize that hearing someone saying something, i.e. the sound waves of their voice entered their ears, and a sound was registered, was not, on any level, a point of understanding. As I taught my students for many years, awareness is not understanding, and hearing is not clarity.
The other phrase that I routinely heard people say in meetings was “I see what you mean.” The translation of this phrase was again, “I got it.” Message received, and time to move on to the next thing on the list. Or it was the leader’s opportunity to restate their point of view or argument of why the other person’s point of view was not workable. Either way, this phrase routinely shut down dialogue, and any on-going exploration of a topic or subject of discussion.
Given my age and my experience, both of these phrases remind me of something the late Stephen Covey wrote: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” The goal is to do more than indicate you have received the message being sent to you. In reality, the goal as a leader is to gain a more complete understanding of someone’s perspective on the topics at hand. This choice can build a healthy, trust-based relationship, as well as help with current and any future conflicts, and improve overall communication.
Furthermore, the intent of the leader should be to understand what is being said, and not to react to what is being said. This requires active listening and putting aside our own perspective or biasses in order to fully comprehend the thinking and feeling of another individual. In short, we need to engage in the conversation rather than simply focus on our response.
For when we choose to do this, we remember two important things. First, people bond with leaders before they will ever bond with, and then execute a plan. Second, people have to trust the messenger before they trust the message. So many times, in so many meetings, in so many cities, I have seen great leaders understand this and role model it. And so many other times, I have see other leaders miss these two key points and fail miserably in their ability to communicate, and to create ownership of important, and, at times, vital strategic changes to take place.
While I no longer travel for work like I did for many years, I still recognize, and know the importance of clear communication, and it’s direct connection to building and maintaining trust. As Stephen Covey explained, “Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships.”
And for us here today, we need to remember to improve our listening and our understanding. We also need to improve our seeing and our recognizing. For when we do this, we are building trust, that key foundational principle that binds all relationships.
© Geery Howe 2026
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