Over the course of my career, I have been a consultant, a trainer/teacher, and an executive coach. Although I am retired, I still coach and mentor a small group of people with whom I have visited with for a very long time. I feel lucky and blessed when we are together in person or over the phone. When reflecting on all the years I have been doing this work, I think we need to explore the following two terms, namely coaching and mentoring.
When I was actively teaching seminars, workshops, and year long leadership courses, I would tell my students that the dictionary definition of a coach was some one who instructs or trains the fundamentals. Derived from an old French word meaning a vehicle to transport people from one place to another, I like how Rodd Wagner, and James K. Harter in their book, 12: The Elements of Great Managing (Gallup Press, 2006) defined a coach or mentor, namely “anyone who, in the eyes of the employee, ensures she successfully navigates the course…. The important aspect is not which of many terms this protector goes by - friend, coach, advisor, sponsor, counselor, support - but whether the employee feels she is not abandoned inside the business.” I believe this is an important foundation when thinking about coaching and mentoring.
For me, coaching is a structured dialogue about purpose, strategy, relationships, and often technical or adaptive problems. Coaching involves questions, analysis, action planning, and follow through. It happens with you, not to you. Furthermore, as coaches, we may not always be able to solve the problems shared with us. Instead we have to emphasize the choices all involved can make.
Kevin Cashman in his book, Awakening the Leader Within: A Story of Transformation (John Wiley & Sons, Inc. 2003), points out that there are two kinds of coaching. First, there is transactive coaching, which is the transferring of competencies, skills and/or techniques from one person to another. The second is transformational coaching, which focuses on shifting people's view about themselves, their values and their sense of purpose. In essence, this later form of coaching helps people rethink their view of the world around them. On one level, both forms of coaching all boil down to skills and knowledge, and to a degree willingness and commitment.
Mentoring, on the other hand, focuses more on the wholeness of life. It is a collaborative learning relationship that can offer support, advice, and perspective. It involves a more long-term, relationship based approach aimed at providing guidance, and wisdom based on the mentor’s experience and expertise. It takes time and a lot of sharing. However, the rewards are profound for both people.
Recently, I was thinking about mentoring when I read that currently there are many elderly people in society right now, and very few elders. This really stopped me in my tracks, because I realized how few elders I knew and were a part of my life. The term elder is given to an individual by others. It is not something you claim for yourself. Instead, an elder earns the respect of their community through wisdom, harmony, and actions in their teachings. And in response, the community calls an individual an elder.
For me and where I am in my life right now, I need to focus on being a good ancestor. This phrase, being a good ancestor , has shown up in multiple conversations during the last 30 days. It has made me pause in a very positive and healthy way. It has made me think deeply and broadly. It has inspired me to make more choices in a manner that reflects big picture thinking and long term thinking.
First, being a good ancestor means that I make decisions that prioritize the well-being and quality of life for future generations. It calls me to value traditional wisdom, story telling, and continued learning. For I believe this is the pathway to becoming wise as I continue to age. It happens in the space between my being and my becoming.
Nevertheless, when I consciously choose to be a good ancestor, I need to focus on four specific actions. First, I need to be present and kind to all I meet. In particular, I need to show grace and gratitude where ever I go, recognizing that every one has a story, a challenge, and a gift to offer this world. Second, I need to be comfortable with silence. Whether this is in communication with others or in being outside in the natural world, I must remember that listening is more important than talking, and that much is communicated in being quietly present to others. Third, I need to be a role model of integrity with my family, friends, and my community. My actions always speak louder than my words, and my integrity always precedes me in all I do. Finally, I need to be a sanctuary for others. In a world filled with fear, violence, and uncertainty, sanctuary spaces and sanctuary people are important and needed. If I can be this person and create this kind of space, then I am passing on the gift and legacy that others have shown me when I was stretched, overwhelmed, and troubled. By paying it forward, I am honoring what they did for me.
For now, I will continue to coach, and I will continue to mentor. I also will choose to be a good ancestor. I hope my actions will create a better world for those who follow me in the years to come. I do this because I believe we are here on this earth to make a positive difference and this is one way I can contribute.
© Geery Howe 2025
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