Introduction
There were three of us in the conference room, the CEO, the head of HR, and myself. We had been talking about the importance of teams and team work. In particular, we were focused on team leaders and what specific leadership and management skills they needed to learn in order to be better at managing people through the current and upcoming organizational changes.
All of a sudden, the head of HR looked at his watch and said, “Hey folks. I need to go. I have a meeting in ten minutes with a team leader and one of their direct reports. This team member is struggling big time and we are going to put him on a performance improvement plan. Sorry about having to split so quickly.”
The CEO put down his pen and said, “Thanks for helping the them through this process. But remember one thing when you do it. Just be kind. Don’t start with the assumption that they will fail. Start with the assumption that they need help getting better. And then, give them that help. We want people to be successful in their job, not struggling and failing.”
“Good point,” replied the head of HR. “I will remember this.”
I just smiled because the CEO had me at “Just be kind.” It is such a rare choice in the world of leadership and management. And yet to me, it is one of the most important and rare differences between good leaders and great leaders. As Bishop Michael Curry wrote, “Kindness is not weakness any more than love is a whimsical sentiment.” And leaders all over the globe need to remember this and act from this place of clarity.
The Root of Kindness
The dictionary tells us that kindness is “the quality of being friendly, generous and considerate.” It is about “being selfless, caring, [and] compassionate.” I like these definitions and believe that they reflect an inner choice to engage with the others from a specific world view.
I think the source of someone being kind is rooted in their being hopeful people. Now for some people, this seems a simplistic statement. Being hopeful is not listed as a key leadership characteristic when it comes to the areas of competencies or skillsets that are mission critical to being a successful leader. However, I believe it is a vital one because being hopeful is more than a skill set. It is a mental framework that guides an individual to make choices from a unique perspective.
“We need hope like we need air,” writes Brene Brown in her book, Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience (Random House, 2021). “To live without hope is to risk suffocating on hopelessness and despair, risk being crushed by the belief that there is no way out of what is holding us back, no way to get to what we desperately need.” Brown notes that we experience hope when the following three elements are in place:
- “We have the ability to set realistic goals (I know where I want to go).”
- “We are able to figure out how to achieve this goals, including the ability to stay flexible and develop alternative pathways (I know how to get there, I’m persistent, and I can tolerate disappointment, and try new paths again and again).”
- “We have agency - we believe in ourselves (I can do this!).”
As she continues, “Hope is a function of struggle - we develop hope not during the easy or comfortable times, but through adversity and discomfort.” I think the same can be said of kindness. When the three, aforementioned elements that generate hope are present, we become hopeful and we also become kind. We then choose to do something that helps others. And the more hopeful we are, the kinder we become.
The Kindness Pathway
Now, it takes mindfulness, practice, and clarity to walk the kindness pathway. The choice is unitive and generative, resulting in self transcendence. By this I mean, we no longer make ourselves the focus of all we do. Instead, we choose to be of assistance to others, not from a place of co-dependence, but instead from a place of compassion and service. The collective outcome of this self transcendence and commitment to walking the kindness pathway is that we experience a greater degree of wholeness and authenticity in our own living and working lives.
There also is a synchronicity that comes with this course of action. The more we walk the kindness pathway, the more our inner clarity and external actions come into alignment. Self-transcendence then generates a larger social impact, namely by being kind to one person we start in motion a larger outcome. As W.H. Murray wrote, “The moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision which no one could have dreamed would have come their way.”
In short, the kindness pathway is a transpersonal pathway. Through service, compassion, and generosity, we experience a greater level of consciousness about our being connected with others. And from these connections, we experience a deep awakening, and a realization that the choice to be kind serves the greater good, one person, one family, one community at a time.
Walk in Solidarity
“The work is a commitment to be with people,” writes Brene Brown, “not pushing them from behind or leading from the front, but walking with them in solidarity.” The work of being kind starts with us being hopeful people, individually and collectively. When we set realistic goals and figure out how to achieve them including how to be flexible along the way, and when we believe in ourself plus others, we prepare for the known and unknown in our lives.
It also starts with a commitment to seeing wholeness in each and every person we meet. Even when ourselves and others may be struggling with “the geography of change”, referencing the work of the late Irish poet John O’Donohue, we commit to a mental framework that all are doing their best, including us, and that all deserve to be seen and respected as whole people.
Furthermore, by choosing kindness we create an environment where people never need to hide their true identities or attempt to fit in. We create an environment where everyone belongs just the way they are. We create an environment where we understand and respect each of us as unique people, whole, appreciated, and accepted. In short, when we choose to be kind and to see wholeness in each and every person we meet, we walk in solidarity with all, helping them to have a meaningful day and to do meaningful work within the context of a kind, supportive, and compassionate community. And this transform us and transform the world, one relationship at a time.
© Geery Howe 2024
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