Many years ago, Kevin Cashman in his book, Leadership From The Inside Out: Becoming a Leader for Life (Berrett-Koehler, 2008), wrote, “our ability to grow as a leader is based on our ability to grow as a person.” He continued this line of thought and pointed out that “we lead from who we are - the leader and the person are one…. as the person grows, the leader grows.” I have pondered this insight for a long time, and I agree with him. If you want to become a better leader, you must first become a better person.
Therefore, as we move farther and farther into 2025, we need to take greater responsibility for our development as people. I believe this development work falls into four areas. First, we must deepen our clarity. Second, we must strengthen our connections. Third, we must broaden our community. Fourth, we must prioritize our commitments. The sum of these four choices will have a profound impact on us as individuals this year and for many years to come. The key is to engage in them, not as a linear action plan, but as a collective choice over time. Then, the results will be synergistic and be cumulative over the course of this year.
Deepen Our Clarity
In September of 2018, I heard Father Gregory Boyle speak to a large group of people in Des Moines, Iowa. Father Gregory Boyle is the founder and director of Homeboy Industries, the largest gang-intervention, rehabilitation, and re-entry program in the world, and was a recipient of the Presidential Medal of Freedom in 2024. He also is the author of numerous books.
Father Gregory Boyle believes that “gang violence is about a lethal absence of hope.” He explained to those who gathered that we must recognize that “we belong to each other,” and that “kinship is our goal.” Therefore, we need “to seek kinship underneath” the trauma people have experienced, because “that is what God does.” Underneath the violence and absence of hope, “we need to engage with our own wounds and we need to stand with the wounded.” Recognizing the impact of chronic and toxic stress and a life impacted and defined by trauma, we need to create and maintain “a community of tenderness.”
As I reflected on what he shared that day and how deeply I was moved by his sincerity and clarity, I asked myself two important questions: What do I believe? And how do I role model what I believe? I haven’t come up with a clear and concise description, all wrapped up in a perfect package with a neat little bow. Instead, I have come to understand that my beliefs and perspective on life, including my own self definition, need to be a process of on-going creation. As the poet Mark Nope wrote, “While struggling with the pain of change, it is often impossible to see the new self we are becoming.” And my goal in this new year is to continue becoming my best self, not my perfect self. I seek to be my best self, living my best life. This will be a process of on-going creation and worth the effort every step of the way.
Strengthen Our Connections
As I engage in this on-going creation and clarity process, I think about something that clinically and spiritually trained, psychotherapist-turned-leadership coach, Karen Joy Hardwick wrote: “We cannot connect with anyone in sustainable, healthy ways unless we connect with ourselves in meaningful, honest ways.” This is such an important truth as we move into this new year.
I believe that sustainable and healthy connections reflect a trinity of choices. First, I must learn how to connect with my inner life. Second, I must learn how to connect with friends, family of origin when possible, and with my family of choice. Third, I must learn how to connect with that which is greater than my self, i.e. God, the Divine, the Great Mystery, the Transcendent Unknown, or by what ever name you choose to call it.
But the challenge of these three connections is that when we enter into this trinity of choices, we often have very high expectations. And then we find ourselves deeply hurt and sadden when these expectations are not met. Brene’ Brown reminds us that “Disappointment is unmet expectations, and the more significant the expectations, the more significant the disappointment.” Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D. notes, “We are in relationship with our expectations and not with life itself.” And Stephen Covey wrote years ago, “Frustration in life comes as a result of unmet expectations.” And there we are, disappointed and frustrated, hoping for a connection that will meet our needs.
Yet recognizing this challenge, I am remind of something Angeles Arrien, Ph.D. shared: “Be open to outcome, not attached to outcome. Openness and non attachment help us recover the human resources of wisdom and objectivity.” And, for me, this is the turning point as I strengthen my three levels of connection, I need to be open to outcomes, not attached to or defined by them. I also need to not control these connections, but, instead, to invest time and energy into all three of these choices. As a wise person shared with me many decades ago, “what you feed, grows.” This year, I need to strengthen these connection and celebrate the outcomes that will happen over time.
Broaden Our Community
Patrick Lencioni in his book, The Four Obsessions of an Extraordinary Executive (Jossey-Bass, 2000), wrote about four disciplines to create a successful organization that is smart, i.e. “developing strategies that lead to competitive advantage over rivals,” and healthy, i.e. “eliminating politics and confusion.” Those four disciplines are the following: build and maintain a cohesive leadership team, create organizational clarity, over-communicate organizational clarity, and reinforce organizational clarity through human systems.
Having read this book many times, and discussed it with many different leaders, I am always intrigued by his choice to create a cohesive team before creating organizational clarity. Lencioni notes that a cohesive team builds trust, eliminates politics, and increases efficiency. After much reflection, I have come to agree with this choice, especially when we choose to become a better person.
First, when we have a strong community of people with whom we trust and can feel safe, then we can explore new ideas and perspectives about ourselves, our lives, and our choices to date. Recognizing that we do not think our way into becoming a better person, but actually live our way into this commitment, having a group of people who gather regularly to share, support, listen, and be open to each other at a heart to heart level, not just a thinking and sharing level, is a transformational platform.
But the key is to continually broaden our community and to grow our community. As Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D. reminds us, “Among us the habit of competition and individualism is so ingrained that we seem to have forgotten one of the basic laws of survival: Strength lies in community. But not every culture is as alienated as our own, and, in some, connection and service are simply a way of life.” This choice to build a community of connection and service, love and support, honesty and commitment takes time, but the investment becomes a force multiplier in our journey to becoming a better and more grounded person.
Prioritize Our Commitments
Years ago, a team and I were sitting around a conference table with the CEO when he asked me the most unusual question: “Geery, are you in like a pig or a chicken?”
I just looked at him with the most puzzled expression on my face. “I’m sorry,” I replied. “I don’t understand the question. What are you asking me?”
“I am talking about your level of commitment to the team and the process. When a chicken commits, it lays an egg. When a pig commits, it becomes bacon. So, are you a chicken or a pig?”
I pondered this question for a moment before responding. Then, I said, “This is an interesting question and it is the wrong framework for me. The chicken is focused on detached production. The pig’s commitment results in death. I don’t believe that detached production or death is the rallying cry for healthy commitment. I think we need to talk about what is and what does a healthy commitment look like.” And then, the team had a long, in-depth, and productive discussion about what is a healthy commitment.
Many years ago, a mentor of mine told me to watch out for the paradox of success, i.e. where you win at work and lose at home and in life. It was one of those internal light bulbs moments for me, because I was on the cusp of winning at work and losing at home and life. I then had to sit down with myself and determine what is success, and what am I really committed to in the long term. And what I realized was that my life was out of alignment. I had prioritized work over family and yet was deeply committed to my family. It took a great deal of soul searching and reprioritization to get back into alignment. Because what I came to understand was that a healthy commitment is a holistic commitment, where one does not need to sacrifice mind, body, heart, spirit or family in order to be successful. In short, I had to rethink what it meant to be a better person, and that began by prioritizing my commitments.
A Personal Transformation
“Leaders are formed in leading,” writes Tod Bolsinger. “Leadership formation is a hard and humbling, repetitive process of personal transformation.” And this in-depth process begins when we have the courage to work in four specific areas. First, we must deepen our clarity. Second, we must strengthen our connections. Third, we must broaden our community. Fourth, we must prioritize our commitments. The sum of these actions over time makes a profound difference.
Still, we must remember the wisdom that the late Irish poet, author, and priest John O’Donohue shared with us many years ago: “Every human person is inevitably involved in two worlds: the world they carry within them and the world that is out there.” The choice to become a better person and the resulting transformation happens on both levels, the internal and the external. The key is to recognize that one is working at both levels and that the work requires persistence, discipline, and patience over time.
From my experience, this happens best when we have engaged our allies, confidants, coaches, and mentors to help support and guide us when necessary. The strength of this network helps us to generate a variety of short term successes which will ultimately lead to positive forward momentum and personal transformation. As Max De Pree reminds us, “In the end, it is important to remember that we cannot become what we need to be by remaining where we are.” Self-change and self-growth are interconnected. They are the beginning of personal transformation.
© Geery Howe 2025
