The Connection Between Character & Compassion

In a world dominated by twenty-four hour news coverage, endless e-mails, countless text messages, plus frequent social media postings, our lives can so easily be defined by a constant cycle of reactivity. We are drowning in information and up-to-the-minute inputs, making it harder and harder to think clearly. Most days, we are living the Red Queen Principle, namely running faster and faster to just stay in the same place. The outcome is a convergence of exhaustion, burnout, and feeling overwhelmed. 

Yet, in the midst of this cycle of reactivity, I think we can choose a different pathway, one that is built on wholeness over fragmentation, clarity over control, integrity over popularity, and stillness over speed. To find this new pathway, we need to explore words that are not common to the digital era, a time period focused on speed, data, and the latest in information technology. These specific words feel like they are from a different century, a simpler and less complex time period. To tap into this wisdom, we need to begin talking about, and exploring the meaning of the following words: integrity, authenticity, sincerity, character, and compassion. 

For example, “The word integrity … comes from the Latin word integer, which simply means ‘intact’,” writes Martha Beck in her book, The Way of Integrity: Finding The Path To Your True Self (The Open Field/A Penguin Life Book, 2021). As she explains, “To be in integrity is to be one thing, whole and undivided…. [it reflects a] complete alignment of body, mind, heart, and soul.” Given today’s complexities and challenges, it would be good to once again focus on living a life of integrity where alignment can result in wholeness.

For me, the two words I think we need to explore in greater depth right now are character and compassion. Pastor A.R. Bernard writes, “Without character, talent will only take you so far.” In the dictionary, character is defined as “the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual.” On the surface, this seems like a simple concept to grasp. 

Yet, when I read this basic definition, I am reminded of something the late Joan Didion, an American author and one of the pioneers of New Journalism, wrote: “Character - the willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life - is the source from which self-respect springs.” I would add to her deep insight that character is not only the source from which self-respect springs, but also the foundation for self-help, self-knowledge, and the gateway to compassion. 

First, we need to understand the difference between self-help and self-knowledge. The former is being able to achieve something on one’s own. In our society today, there is a major focus on being independent. One can do everything via on-line resources from ordering clothes, meals, and cleaning supplies to watching movies and other forms of entertainment, all within the comfort of our home. There is no need to engage with anyone in person or within a community. 

The later, self-knowledge, is defined as having an understanding of oneself or one’s own motive or character. This requires an individual to have self-awareness, i.e. an awareness of one’s feelings, motivation and abilities. Rather than being a static state of understanding, this is a dynamic and constantly evolving definition of self. 

To achieve this level of understanding, one often needs to engage in thoughtful dialogue with others and to give and receive feedback during the process. Through this interactive process, we learn more about how we see ourselves, how others see us, and how we want others to see us. This is not an easy process, but it is an important process. 

The late Stephen Covey grasped this understanding when he wrote: “Building character strength is like building physical strength. When the test comes, if you don’t have it, no cosmetics can disguise the fact that it just isn’t there.  You can’t fake it. It takes strength to set a heroic goal, to work on chronic problems instead of going for the ‘quick fix,’ to stay with your commitments when the tide of popular opinion turns against you.” 

I believe we do not talk enough about the importance of character. We need to gather in groups and unpack the definition of the word, and then openly discuss the difference between self-help and self-knowledge, independence and interdependence, self-awareness and self-understanding. This is the pathway to powerful learning, and ultimately clarity. And I believe it is time we begin to do this work collectively if we are seeking wholeness over fragmentation. 

Furthermore, it is time for us to explore the connection between character and compassion. Recognizing that character is the willingness to accept responsibility for one’s life, referencing the earlier quote by Joan Didion, we can then turn to the writings of Brene’ Brown in her book, Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience (Random House, 2021). As she explains, “Compassion is the daily practice of recognizing and accepting our shared humanity so that we treat ourselves and others with loving-kindness, and we take action in the face of suffering.” She continues, “Compassion is fueled by understanding and accepting that we’re all made of strength and struggle - no one is immune to pain or suffering. Compassion is not a practice of ‘better than’ or ‘I can fix you’ - it’s a practice in the beauty and pain of shared humanity.”

When we accept responsibility for our own life and embrace the aforementioned definition of compassion, we are on the right pathway to wholeness over fragmentation, clarity over control, integrity over popularity, and stillness over speed. For in the definition of both words is the foundation for understanding that we have and will continue to have something we both share, namely shared joy and shared suffering. As Brown notes, “Compassion, on the other hand, recognizes the suffering of another as a reflection of our own pain: ‘I understand this; I suffer in the same way.’ It is empathetic, a mutual connection with the pain and sorrow of life. Compassion is shared suffering.” 

Whether it is shared joy, namely the union of deep spiritual connection, happiness, and appreciation, or our shared suffering as described above, each requires us to accept the responsibility for our life and to seek to create a better life. And, at the exact same time, we must be responsible to treat ourselves and others with loving-kindness, and to take action in the face of our shared suffering. 

For when I meet people of strong character and people who show great compassion, I am moved and inspired. I am grateful for their presence in my life, and that our paths have crossed at this time period. I also experience a feeling of reverence for the moments we share together. In particular, I am moved by the depth and meaningfulness of our connection, but also by the recognition that there is something greater than ourselves that is present and influencing all that is taking place. 

In a world where people are more preoccupied with their own screens and self-image rather than their community and their service to it, we need to study, teach, and dialogue more about the importance of character and compassion. We need people of all ages to sit down together, and to share about their lives, and their challenges. We need to once again share our stories, and collectively explore what is important to us. Within these simple, honest, and safe spaces, we can come together and reclaim our shared humanity and our shared suffering. 

And in the process, we will discover and reclaim our wholeness, clarity, integrity, and inner stillness. We also will build a community that can rise to meet the challenges of this generation and help others with the challenges of the next. As Margaret Wheatley wrote many years ago, “There is no power for change greater than a community discovering what it cares about.” Let us do this work together and do it with great depth of character and compassion. 

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change Morning Star Associates 319 - 643 - 2257

Engagement - What Does That Mean? - part #2

The second answer that has continued to make me think was shared by someone who I know is deeply thoughtful about work place culture. Over a very good meal, he told me that “engagement is about being mindful of our actions and our choices.” Drawing on the work of Jon Kabat-Zinn, the American professor emeritus of medicine and the creator of the Stress Reduction Clinic and the Center of Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, mindfulness is defined as the “awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally.”

Building on the above definition and going deeper into it, mindfulness is “the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.” It is “a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations.” When one has this level of focus, they are mindful of their choices and their behavior as they engage with others.

After much reflection, I think the insight is powerful and at the same time, it takes a tremendous amount of discipline and practice to achieve this level of mindfulness when it comes to choices and behavior. While I believe it is worth aspiring towards, I don’t know how many leaders are willing to put in the time and energy to do this level of work, and how many companies are willing to support it. Furthermore, the pathway to mindfulness is, in part, a deeply personal journey before it is a professional outcome. Still, I support the insight and do recommend this course of action to create a more holistic definition of engagement. 

One new element to the whole subject of engagement that is surfacing is the idea that employees can be very engaged and not agree with the strategic direction of the company. Or, employees can be very engaged and just want to perpetually maintain standard operating procedures. They just want operational continuity in spite of a changing environment. They are involved, enthusiastic and highly productive in their work and workplace as long as every thing and everyone changes according to their idea of what should happen next. 

On a parallel track, some employees are involved, enthusiastic and highly productive in their work and workplace as long as they can work remotely and on their own schedule. Given the pandemic, this perspective is not going away. And given The Great Resignation that continues to take place, many, if not all, employers do not want to loose employees and can not afford to loose employees. This level of engagement, i.e. engagement as defined by “my terms”, is both a major challenge and a major opportunity. However, not many leaders and their companies know how to “engage” in this form of engagement. 

So, what does engagement mean to you? It all depends on who is defining the term, namely the individual, the leadership of the company, or an outside entity. And it all depends on which lens you are looking through, namely, strategic, operational, or personal. This spring slow down and discuss the subject of engagement in greater depth and from multiple perspectives. It will be well worth the time and the effort to create this level of clarity as move further into 2023. 

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change Morning Star Associates 319 - 643 - 2257

Engagement - What Does That Mean? - part #1

After a long day of meetings and strategic level dialogue, the senior team and I went out for dinner. As the drinks were served and once the appetizers had arrived, I asked the team the following question: “What does engagement mean to all of you?” I brought this up that evening because over the course of last year, more and more executives and their teams have started using the word and talking about this subject. 

Some leaders want their people to be more engaged. Some leaders think their people are very engaged, but not in alignment with the strategic commitments within the current strategic plan. Finally, some people are just plain tired of talking about engagement, because the term is so widely used for everything that it has become meaningless and a distraction. As for me, I just sit and listen to the many conversations happening and wonder how we have arrived at this point in time. 

The concept of engagement really did not come into the world of leadership much until the following book was published: Buckingham, Marcus & Curt Coffman, First, Break All The Rules: What The World’s Greatest Managers Do Differently. (Simon & Schuster, 1999). Before that book showed up, the concept of engagement was mostly defined as the time period after someone proposed to someone else, they accepted, and before they got married, i.e. they were “engaged”. 

When Buckingham and Coffman wrote the aforementioned book, Gallup started actively offering engagement surveys to measure the level of employee engagement that was happening in the work place. Then, leaders and companies went all in and started actively measuring engagement. It was a very hot topic and there were major investments made to make sure the company got a high engagement score.  

I did not work for Gallup or analyze their engagement surveys. But I got swept up in the whole engagement survey process, because when the scores came in low, many leaders wanted to figure out what was going wrong and how to fix it. Thus, they hired me to go and find out what the problem was, and how to proceed. 

For example, one time I was sent to northern Wisconsin to find out why a specific bank that was part of a large regional banking group was low on their engagement scores. Since I was not an expert on the subject, I mostly came in, asked a batch of questions, and then listened quite carefully. 

I remember sitting around a large conference with the senior management team and the middle managers discussing their engagement results. The bank president was quite upset about the low score. He just could not believe their engagement number was so poor. 

When the group analyzed and discussed the Gallup Q12, the survey tool for engagement based on twelve questions, the lowest score was around the following question: “Do I have a best friend at work?”

The president looked at the group and was stunned. “Do you all not have any friends here at work? I think this is a friendly place. What’s going on?”

There was a long period of silence until a middle manager spoke up. “The question doesn’t say ‘friend’, sir. It says ‘best friend at work.’ To me, a best friend is someone who meets me and my family down at the local diner after work on a Friday evening. We order a round of beers, share an order of fried cheese curds and talk about family, high school sports, and local gossip. I like the people I work with, but I don’t routinely go out for beer and cheese curds with them on a Friday night.” The bank president just sat there in silence. He did not know what to say. 

So, I quietly stepped forward and said, “I don’t think Gallup is using the Friday night beer and cheese curds definition of ‘best friend.’ I think they are more focused on the idea of the work place being a friendly place to work. I think they are interested in whether or not people are kind to each other, trustworthy, and respectful. Do you have those kinds of friends at work here?”

The entire group nodded their heads. Even the bank president was nodding. 

“Do you feel like someone has your back if problems happen?”, I continued. “Do you feel like the people you work with are committed to solving problems and working well together? Do you feel like they are very good at what they do and might even be the best at what they do in this town”

There was a slight pause and then the group engaged in a lively discussion about how well they worked together, supported each other, and solved problems across multiple departments. The bank president smiled. This was what he thought was happening all along. 

As the conversation came to a natural conclusion, I offered the following insight. “In a small town in northern Wisconsin on a Friday night, beer and cheese curds with a best friend or friends sounds like a great way to end the work week. However, I don’t think the people who came up with the definition of engagement and the engagement survey have experienced this level of fellowship and hospitality. They are focused on a more academic definition rather than the more local, interpersonal experience you know. Keep this in mind when you fill out the survey next time.”

A couple of months later, the entire bank took the survey again and they ended up in the top 5% of the company. Once the results were announced, the bank president took the entire team out on Friday night for beer and cheese curds at the local diner. I just smiled when I heard the news. When people don’t understand the term and the concept of engagement, they default to their own local experience and their own local understanding. 

Therefore, when the words “engagement” and “being engaged” surfaced during the later half of 2022, I became concerned that we were again walking into a place of misunderstanding. Thus, I began asking more questions at the individual and group levels. 

Gallup, who started this whole thing, defines employee engagement as “the involvement and enthusiasm of employees in their work and workplace. Employee engagement helps you measure and manage employees’ perspective on the crucial elements of your workplace culture.” Furthermore, Gallup notes that employee engagement creates “a culture that ensures employees are involved, enthusiastic and highly productive in their work and workplace.”

Other organizations, who do this work, define engagement as “the degree to which employees invest their cognitive, emotional, and behavioral energies toward positive organizational outcomes.”

I think the above definitions are very good if you can translate them into specific actions at the individual or group behavior levels, and if you have experienced this within and outside of work. Without having the experience of feeling like you are involved, enthusiastic and highly productive, many people may not be able to relate to the concept of engagement because they have never really felt it or experienced it. In short, we as leaders often forget that engagement is an idiosyncratic experience, namely I do it in my own way, which may or may not conform to how the team or company defines it. 

Having visited with many people about this subject, I want to share two answers  about what is engagement that have continued to make me think. The first was by a woman executive who told me that “engagement means that some one has agency. And they know what this means and how to act accordingly.” As she explained to me,”having agency means that an individual feels like they can control their actions and their consequences.” 

I think this is a powerful insight and reflects a larger understanding, namely the blending of engagement with DEI work. For an individual to have agency at work, they need to have the capacity to take purposeful action and pursue goals, free from the threat of violence, intimidation, and retribution. They also have to work within an office environment where no one feels like they are not good enough, “less than”, or needs to hide their best selves in order to work there.  

From my experience of being within a work environment where people have agency, I have seen and experienced inclusiveness, non-violence, unconditional and loving kindness, and compassionate acceptance of myself and others. There is the recognition at all levels of the organization that we must never create an environment where people need to hide their true identities or attempt to fit in. It is the understanding that each of us belong just the way we are. It is an understanding, and then the action of respecting each of us are unique.

FYI: To be continued on Tuesday. 

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change Morning Star Associates 319 - 643 - 2257

Will You Carry Our Song?

We were sitting quietly together in her office after a full day of strategic planning meetings when she turned to me and said, “Geery, would you be willing to carry our song for the next couple of years?”

I paused, and then responded, “I am not sure I understand what you asking me to do.”

She continued: “The next 2-3 years are going to be rough for us as an organization. The current economic environment is not going to be kind. Furthermore, the funding sources for this non-profit are going to be a complete mess. 

And in the midst of it all, we will just be putting one step in front of the other, hoping we can survive. Somewhere in the upcoming trough of chaos, which actually may become a Grand Canyon of Crazy, we may forget who we are and what we believe in. 

As you can guess, we will be focused on solving day to day problems. We will be trying to keep the doors open. But along the way, our song may be lost. Someone has to carry our story, and to care for our mission, vision and core values. Someone has be the keeper and reminder of what’s most important. And I wonder if you can be the person.

You were with us when we defined our original mission, vision and core values. You were with us when we created our first strategic plan which got us to this point many years later. While the external world has gone bizarrely wacky, I need to know that there is one person in the world, other than myself, who will hold on to our story, our journey, in essence our song. And when the time comes, who will return here, and remind us of what is most important, who will remind us of the impact of this mission, who will remind us that we are changing lives, not just doing a job.”

“I would be honored to carry your song,” I replied. “I will hum it to myself on a regular basis so it will not be forgotten. And then, one day in the future, I will return and sing it back to all of you. I will teach the survivors, who make it through the Grand Canyon of Crazy, this song and remind them to lift up their voices and sing it out loud and often.”

“Thanks. It is going to be quite a difficult journey during the coming weeks, months, and more likely years.”

About two and a half years later, I sat down with the senior team and then the following day with all the employees during two in-services to share with them the story of their mission, vision and core values. I recounted the day I facilitated the discussion when the mission, vision, and core values were created. I talked about the depth of dialogue, sharing, and deep reflection that took place on that particular day. I explained how a single word in the mission statement was debated and explored in-depth so that it could capture exactly what the people writing the mission statement felt and thought. 

Over the course of these three meetings, there were many light bulb moments when people understood the “why” behind the normal day to day “what” and “how” of running the business. People looked at the pathway from that meeting many years before to the day we met, and understood why certain operational and strategic choices were made. 

For me, it was a moving experience to “carry their song,” and to bring it back to them in the form of a story, a feeling, and an experience. It made the history come alive, and people recognized the importance of being mission-drive and vision-led. 

Recently, I have been thinking about this request and the resulting experience that happened many years ago. The memory of it was triggered by a line in a book called Poet Warrior: A Memoir (W.W. Norton & Company, 22021) by Joy Harjo, the first Native American to serve as U.S. poet laureate. As she wrote, “I was born before cell phones and computers, before the proliferation of devices installed with memory, which prompt the user to forget.” 

I also was born before cell phones, computers, and memory chips. If it was important to know, we memorized it or wrote it down. But, I think there is a deeper message taking place in the above quote based on the phrase that reads “which prompt the user to forget.” I think our cell phones and computers can be helpful, but I also believe they can cause us to be reactive. They frequently do not support us to think deeply and to reflect holistically about important things like our personal mission or purpose. I have one client who referred to this level of work as “exploring our legacy values”, i.e. the important things and people in our life that transcend the pressures of the moment. 

Furthermore, I believe we have lost touch with who or whom carry our songs, be it at the personal level, the family level, or the community level. In the time period before cell phones and computers, this act of carrying our songs was shared through story telling in large and small group settings. In the beginning, it happened around the camp fire. People gathered to hear others share their personal stories. It was a collective experience of the tribe or clan that bonded them and helped them put things into perspective. 

Now, I believe this happens around the kitchen or dining room tables. Over good food or drink, people share stories, memories and history. They recount times gone by and lessons learned along life’s journey. This is slow sharing rather than fast reacting. 

While cell phones and computers are immediate forms of sharing, they capture the moment. But simultaneously, that which is captured is just as quickly forgotten for the next big thing. Story telling in groups, on the other hand, is slow sharing. It takes time, space, and connection with ourselves and others. 

And it is not just the sharing of the story that is important. It is the experience of sharing the story that matters. People find bonds with each other and with the story by being together. The outcome is that the memory of the experience is more holistic and unifying rather than reactive and transitory. In essence, in-person story telling creates an experiencing of being welcomed and belonging. 

Yet, there is something deeper going on with story telling. I think it binds us together and helps us recognize our shared humanity and our shared challenges with living, loving, and working. It points out that we are more similar than dissimilar, and that our difficulties are shared by many other people. It helps us to remember that each of us are carrying a song that is an important part of the larger choir gathered on this earth at this time period. 

During the current and upcoming challenges before us at this time, I encourage all of us to do three things. First, find your song and sing it out loud. Second, be a song carrier for others who are struggling. Finally, have the courage to sit down and tell your story about how you discovered your song and how and why you are carrying a song for others. When we take these steps together, we are creating a foundation of perspective, integrity, and growth for all involved, including ourselves. And this is a powerful act that transforms the world and creates hope and resilience on so many levels, the very things we need as we move forward to together. 

© Geery Howe 2023

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change Morning Star Associates 319 - 643 - 2257

Seeking Wholeness In A Fragmented And Divided World - part #2

As we walk a pathway toward rediscovering wholeness in a world that is highly fragmented and divided, one of the most important choices we can make is to build and maintain our relationships with old and new friends. As Margaret Wheatley in her book, Who Do We Choose to Be? Facing Reality, Claiming Leadership, Restoring Sanity (Berrett-Koehler, 2017) reminds us: “We are not broken people. It’s our relationships that need repair. It’s relationships that bring us back to health, wholeness, holiness.”

The late Archbishop Desmond Tutu understood this when he wrote, “We exist in a bundle of life. We say, “A person is a person through other people.” It is not “I think therefore I am” [but rather] I am human because I belong. I participate. I share.”

For me, the reason why we need to build and maintain relationships with old and new friends is because of two key concepts. The first is called “the dear neighbor,” and the second is called “the beloved community.” The former is one of the fundamental tenets of the Sisters of Saint Joseph of Philadelphia, a congregation of 550 Catholic Sisters who live and work in 12 states throughout the country. This group works on issues related to justice, peace and the Gospel imperative of active, inclusive love. The idea of the dear neighbor is reflective of our union with God, and an understanding that our union with God and with our neighbor are inseparable. The later concept, the beloved community, was popularized by the late Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. during his lifetime of activism. For King, the beloved community was a place where everyone was cared for, and it was absent of poverty, hunger, and hate. Together, the two concepts can transform our world, one relationship at a time. 

Yet, the first step is to build and maintain these relationships. As Arthur Brooks in his book, From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose In The Second Half Of Life ( Portfolio/Penguin, 2022) writes, “Friendship is a skill that requires practice, time, and commitment.” I think we forget that it takes practice, time and commitment. In this age of instant messaging and 24/7 internet access, we often think that relationship building and maintaining should be effortless. But in reality, if we want to have people in our life with whom we can grow old together and to count on during difficult times, then we need to invest in creating these relationships and taking care of them. 

As a seminar participant once told me many years, “we need to make friends before we need them.” And, as Margaret Wheatley reminded us in my post yesterday, relationships “bring us back to health, wholeness, holiness.” For me, they are an important source of deeper meaning and fulfillment. They are the place where the beloved community becomes real.  

Focus On Gratitude

When we choose to be friendly to ourselves, and when we choose to build and maintain relationships with old and new friends, we discover something important about gratitude, happiness, and wholeness. As Brother David Steindl-Rast, a Catholic Benedictine monk and scholar, noted: “It is not happiness that makes us grateful. It is gratefulness that makes us happy. Every moment is a gift. There is no certainty that you will have another moment, with all the opportunity that it contains. The gift within every gift is the opportunity it offers. Most often it is the opportunity to enjoy it, but sometimes a difficult gift is given to us and that can be an opportunity to rise to the challenge.” 

Whether it is a gift which we enjoy, or a gift  which comes with the opportunity to rise to a challenge, we must start from a foundation of gratitude for what we have, who we are, where we have come from, and for the strength and clarity to move forward, one step at a time. As we all know, the different seasons of life ebb and flow, moving from one to the next, naturally and effortlessly. When our thoughts are centered on gratitude and when we live from the place of gratitude, we then understand that our lives, the sum of our thoughts, memories and feelings to date, are a foundation for continued growth. 

In retrospect, our lives are always moving toward wholeness. And the idea of wholeness is always evolving as we move through life. The key is to be grateful for this on-going and emerging understanding that wholeness is not a defined and fixed state of being as much as an on-going and ever evolving state of being. Wholeness is not equilibrium. It is not a fixed state of balance between opposing forces or actions. Instead, wholeness is a state of being where one has the capacity to adapt and engage with the complex and ever changing nature of life. In essence, wholeness happens when we choose to live in a dynamic state of engaged gratitude. 

Finding Love And Discovering Community

For me, there is Tibetan saying that helps me put it all into perspective: “Wherever you have friends, that’s your country, and wherever you receive love, that’s your home.” In a world that is fragmented and divided, all of us are seeking the unique place called “home.” We want to be with people who are grounded, clear, and compassionate. We want to feel safe, healthy, and whole. We want to give and to receive love and support. 

Margaret Wheatley and Deborah Frieze in their book Walk Out Walk On: A Learning Journey Into Communities Daring to Live the Future Now (Berrett-Koehler, 2011) understand all of this. As they write, “Whatever the problem, community is the answer. There is no power greater than community discovering what it cares about. Only when we turn to one another do we discover the wisdom and wealth that is so abundantly present in us, our traditions and our environment.” 

As we continually seek wholeness during these challenging times, let’s turn to one another, and to our local communities. Let us rediscover each other and rediscover what we care about as a community. Then, with this clarity and unity, let us work together so that everyone can find wholeness, meaning, and gratitude in their lives. 

As Ram Dass, an American spiritual teacher and psychologist, wrote, “We are all walking each other home.” Let’s walk together to the place where health, healing, wholeness and that which is holy are one. Let us travel home to the place where we receive love and support on a daily basis. 

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change Morning Star Associates 319 - 643 - 2257

Seeking Wholeness In A Fragmented And Divided World - part #1

Introduction

As the signs of spring unfold before us, I am reminded of an insight shared by Eduardo Bericat, a sociology professor at the University of Seville. As he wrote, “As human beings, we can only experience life emotionally.” This is a simple, but deeply profound insight. 

And the challenge this spring is that so many of us are feeling terribly worn from living in such a fragmented, complex, and divided world. There are days in our highly balkanized society where the only thing that appears to unite people is how much they do not like someone else.  

Yet, in the midst of this, some of us are seeking wholeness and meaning over fragmentation and division. We also seek joy and connection after three years of living within a global pandemic. The difficulty is how to get from where we are right now to joy, connection, and wholeness. What are the first steps we need to take? How can we move forward, individually and collectively, to this better place?

Psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky, a Russian-born American professor in the Department of Psychology at the University of California and the author of The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want (Penguin Books, 2008) writes “… the three factors that seem to have the greatest influence on increasing our happiness are our ability to reframe our situation more positively, our ability to experience gratitude, and our choice to be kind and generous.” I think her three factors are important points and offer a window into how to proceed. But, I also believe there are two important first steps to take before one can “experience gratitude” and “be kind and generous.”

 

Be Friendly To Yourself 

I believe the world we live in right now is highly triggering for many people. “Being triggered” often refers to the experience of having an emotional reaction to a disturbing topic such as violence or the mention of suicide in the media or in a social setting. Those who are triggered have a strong, uncomfortable reaction to a stimulus of some sort. Triggered people may panic, feel overwhelmed, cry, act out, withdraw, or react defensively. Their strong emotions are anger, fear, anxiety, sadness, numbness, and a feeling of life being out of control. When we look at what is taking place all around us, this pretty much summarizes most peoples’ daily feelings and daily experience. Wholeness, meaning, joy, and connection are often the rare exception to what they routinely see and feel. 

Margaret Wheatley in her book, Who Do We Choose to Be? Facing Reality, Claiming Leadership, Restoring Sanity (Berrett-Koehler, 2017) writes, “First, be friendly to yourself.” This is the starting place. And yet, I believe we have lost the memory and the feeling of being friendly to ourselves. It happened so long ago, or not at all, that while we get this concept on a cognitive basis, we don’t know what it feels like in our hearts. 

As we come to accept this perspective and this loss, I believe we need to consider an insight shared by James Autry in his book, The Servant Leader: How to Build a Creative Team, Develop Great Morale, and Improve Bottom-Line Performance (Prima Publishing, 2001). As he writes, “Burnout is not a crisis of time, it is a crisis of the spirit.” And for me, this is a turning point in our understanding of how to move forward.  

When we seek to be friendly to ourselves, we have to remember that the words, health, healing, wholeness and holy, all come from the same word in old English. Each of these key words were and are interconnected with the others. Furthermore, to focus on one word without being mindful of the other words generates something different than focusing on the four words together. When we choose to be friendly to ourselves and understand the interrelatedness of the above four words, we have a road map for being friendly to ourselves. 

The first step to being friendly to ourselves is to take ownership and responsibility for our own feelings. This is part of the healing process. However, Brene’ Brown in her book, Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience (Random House, 2021) notes something very interesting about feelings. As she wrote: “Fifteen years ago, when we first introduced a curriculum based on my shame resilience research, we asked participants in the training workshops to list all of the emotions that they could recognize and name as they were experiencing them. Over the course of five years, we collected these surveys from more than seven thousand people. The average number of emotions named across the surveys was three. The emotions were happy, sad, and angry.” 

When I first read about this research, I was stunned, embarrassed, and blown away by the implications. As she continued, “Language is our portal to meaning-making, connection, healing, learning and self-awareness…. Language show us that naming an experience doesn’t give the experience more power, it gives us the power of understanding and meaning.” In essence, our language can give us the capacity to heal, to find wholeness, and to rediscover that which is holy. Without emotional literacy, we can only make so much progress. Therefore, we need to find better and more in-depth ways to define and to share what we are feeling.

The second step to being friendly to ourselves begins by making time and space to pause and take stock of where we are, what we are experiencing, and where we are headed in life. On one level this seems elementary, if not simplistic, but in reality, we rarely do this and rarely give ourselves permission to create and enter into this unique space.  

Ron Heifetz, Founding Director of the Center for Public Leadership at the John F. Kennedy School of Government at Harvard University, in an interview with William Taylor called “The Leader of the Future” from the June 1999 issue of Fast Company magazine, notes that people in leadership positions, and in my opinion all positions and walks of life, “need a sanctuary, a place where they can go to get back in touch with the worth of their life and worth of their work.” He calls these “practical sanctuaries - - daily moments that function as sanctuaries”, because when we have these, they root us “in a different reality, a different source of meaning.”

However, on a day to day basis, most of us are engaged in “shallow work,” referencing the work of Cal Newport in his book, Deep Work: Rules For Focused Success In A Distracted World (Grand Central Publishing, 2016). He describes shallow work as “non cognitively demanding, logistical-style tasks, often performed while distracted.” On the other hand, Newport defines deep work, the opposite of shallow work, as “activities performed in a state of distraction-free concentration that push your cognitive capabilities to their limit.” I believe deep work is important and necessary. I also believe finding and routinely entering “practical sanctuaries,” as defined by Heifetz, gives us the ability to do deep work on a personal and professional level. Regular sanctuary time is the gateway to finding wholeness, health, healing, and that which is the holy in our daily lives. 

And the outcome of doing this in-depth work is to discover something very important, namely belonging. As Brene’ Brown in her book, Braving The Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone (Random House, 2017) wrote: “True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.” The feeling and experience of belonging is profound and moving. It is transformational and critical in our life journey. 

FYI: To be continued on Tuesday. 

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change Morning Star Associates 319 - 643 - 2257