The Inner Trough of Chaos

During organizational change, there is an 18+ month period that I like to call the “trough of chaos.” Here, we encounter normal responses to change such as denial, resistance, acceptance, exploration, and commitment. And during these common human reactions, leaders help people by clarifying direction, defining priorities, coaching, collaborating, and delegating. The overall goal is to end up on the other side of the trough of chaos with a team that is committed to moving forward, sees the big picture, and understands it. We also want a team that takes responsibility for next steps, and generates the desired outcomes in an effective and efficient manner. In short, all parties, leaders and followers, feel empowered, engaged, and energized to continue moving forward. 

However, for many people in leadership positions, the focus on the outer elements of the trough of chaos does not acknowledge something else that often takes place. Many leaders, who are helping others move through the trough of chaos, find themselves experiencing an inner trough of chaos. On the outside, these people are leading, while on the inside they are worried, worn, and struggling deeply with their own internal process. Most people don’t see this struggle, and most leaders don’t talk about it. 

As a long time executive coach, I routinely see it and hear about it. l listen to their inner dialogue. I see the pain, the anguish, and the doubt about what to do and how to do it. I witness their journey over time, and know the depth of this struggle. 

For many leaders, this inner trough of chaos happens on two different levels. First, they feel overwhelmed with the data points that are indicating that everyone needs to move faster. Second, they are overwhelmed with the diversity and magnitude of different peoples’ reactions to change. The combination of these two levels results in leaders choosing a conquer and control response to everything and everyone around them. Very few choose a different pathway, namely a connections and clarity response. Over time, the former generates a profound level of personal burn-out and cynicism about people and change. However, the later generates movement through their inner trough of chaos. 

The Importance of Meta-Awareness

On many levels, the inner trough of chaos is just the same as the outer, organizational trough of chaos. It includes the same stages and same reactions. The difficulty is that many leaders do not have a leader who is leading them through their inner trough of chaos. This is why the best leaders have executive coaches, confidants, and mentors who assist them in their internal work. 

From my experience, the first step in this inner journey is to acknowledge that you are experiencing an inner trough of chaos. Acceptance is a good beginning. And yet, few leaders are willing to admit to it, because they believe it is a sign of weakness. I routinely point out that over time, denial is not an effective coping system. When we choose to accept that we are struggling, we then can begin to change the struggle.  

The second step is to explore our internal dialogue about what is happening. All day and every day, we are talking to ourselves about what is happening around us and within us. This inner dialogue can be helpful, and it can be hurtful. What I have discovered from coaching people is that this inner dialogue is often focused on self-criticism and self-judgement. We are mad that things are not going “right” so we direct this anger inward. Sometimes, we direct it outward, too. 

This on-going diet of internal criticism blinds us to see what is actually going right and where small acts of progress are taking place. It also prevents us from understanding what triggered us in the first place, and what caused us to get lost in an internal trough of chaos. When this happens, we need to engage in meta-awareness, namely we need to be aware of our awareness. 

For example, when we find ourselves in an inner trough of chaos, the world around us and within us can feel threatening and overwhelming. And as a result, we typically respond in four ways, namely fight, flee, freeze, or faint/flop. Each of these normal stress responses are useful coping strategies. They keep us alive through the difficulties we are dealing with at this time period. However, they are all default responses.  

Once we are aware of how we are responding to the inner trough of chaos, we can then ask ourselves two important questions: Is this the best response given the circumstances before me? Is my response hindering my ability to lead with clarity and integrity? By deploying our meta-awareness, we can thoughtfully and mindfully choose how to respond rather than react reflexively and unconsciously. In short, we can discern the difference between the inner trough of chaos as a time period of danger, and then begin to reframe it as a time period of transformation. Thus, over time, our meta-awareness creates resiliency rather than more fear, shame, and frustration. 

Expand Your Support Network

As we do this reframing process, we need to find and build new connections. In a company that is engaged in organizational change, a struggling leader could turn to the Human Resources Department for tools, insights, assistance, and perspective. The members of this team can help on so many different levels and in so many creative and effective ways. Yet, many leaders, who are struggling internally, often do not turn to their corporate HR for assistance. They feel ashamed and embarrassed that they are struggling. This is why an expansion of their support network is so important. By the way, the best HR departments I have witnessed actually should be called the Human Resources & Connections Department. For it is the combination of the two that yields results. 

But the question I so routinely get asked is “Where do I find these connections?” And my answer is “everywhere.” More specifically, we need to turn to relationships that will help us to understand and better discern this internal process. These kinds of people give us connective advantage, referencing the work of Hermina Ibara in her book, Act Like A Leader, Think Like A Leader (Harvard Business Review Press, 2015). These individuals help you find and access resources, expertise, and ideas which can assist you in reframing the internal process. As another consultant shared with me years ago, we need to “be around people who are good for your soul.”

As we expand our support network, we need to remember the insight shared by Christoper Willard, PsyD in his book, How We Grow Through What We Go Through: Self-Compassion Practices For Post-Traumatic Growth ( Sounds True, 2022). As he explains, “Recent research has made it ever more clear that emotions, moods, and behaviors are contagious. Some scientists call this ‘interpersonal neurobiology’; others have studied the ways ‘mirror neurons’ create an emotional give-and-take through thousands of micro expressions revealed in our faces each second. Still others explain this as the collective nervous system that regulates and dysregulates in sync with others, impacting our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. With practice, we can jumpstart the social-engagement system for our connecting and healing, cultivating a ‘neuroception of safety’.” An expanded support network helps our interpersonal neurobiology and cultivates the ‘neuroception of safety. All of which can make a major difference when we are moving through an inner trough of chaos. 

For me, the late Irish poet and priest John O’Donohue summarized it best when we wrote: “In these times of greed and externality, there is such unusual beauty in having friends who practice profound faithfulness to us, praying for us each day without our ever knowing or remembering it. There are often lonesome frontiers we could never endure or cross without the inner sheltering of these friends. It is hard to live a true life that endeavors to be faithful to its own calling and not become haunted by the ghosts of negativity; therefore, it is not a luxury to have such friends; it is necessary.” Expanding one’s support network is necessary when working through an inner trough of chaos. 

Define Boundaries

Many leaders suffer with co-dependency. When this surfaces during an organizational trough of chaos, and is accompanied by an inner trough of chaos, this can result in some unhealthy choices and behaviors. For example, these leaders often funnel all their time and energy into supporting everyone else without making time or space to consider what they need for themselves. This choice also can include a variety of controlling type behaviors, unhealthy levels of self-sacrifice, and a deep fear of being rejected for the choices they are making. In short, their self-esteem, confidence, and clarity are all determined by whether or not people like them and whether change is happening in a positive and efficient manner. 

However, change on the outside and on the inside is rarely efficient or totally positive. Furthermore, most people resist change, because it often includes a loss of clarity, control, connections, and confidence. In simple terms, for most people change begins with an ending rather than a new beginning. And when a leader experiences the convergence of an organizational trough of chaos plus an inner trough of chaos, they end up pendulum swinging between hopelessness and low self-esteem. They also end up needing to control everything and everyone around them in order to create some degree of order and predictability in their life. 

This is why leaders, who are experiencing an inner trough of chaos, need to define and establish boundaries. By setting these boundaries, they begin to communicate their needs and limits to those around them. It also protects their well-being by preventing burnout, which can help in managing stress, and fostering healthier relationships. As executive coach Kevin Cashman wrote years ago, “Leaders get what they exhibit and what they tolerate.” Defining boundaries helps determine what is and what is not okay in a relationship, and in the ways we work through change. 

“Boundaries empower us,” writes Christopher Willard, PsyD in the aforementioned book. “Not as a power over others, in a power from others. We become empowered with the choice to decide how much power other people, places, and things hold in our lives. In turn, we can choose how much they influence and impact our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. We begin to approach the world in a new way, with confidence and compassion, focusing on the potential, power, and relief it can bring.” 

When we are struggling, defining and maintaining boundaries are important. In specific, we need to clearly define when it is time to work and when it is time to recover from work. We need to make time for self and family. We also need to make time for faith and friends. By defining these time periods and maintaining these time periods, we can approach all that is happening on the inside and on the outside of our life with more confidence and self-compassion. Then, we will be better able to lead and empower ourselves and others to move through the trough of chaos. In short, we can reclaim a life of wholeness rather than a life divided. 

Practice More Self-Compassion

Next, as we move through the inner trough of chaos, we will need to practice self-compassion, i.e being kind and understanding towards ourself in the midst of our struggles. Rather than getting caught up in self-judgement, co-dependence, self-criticism, and a tendency towards isolation, we need to be more mindful of how we are feeling and acknowledge the reality that we struggling in spite of all we are trying to do and get done. To do this, it will involve both inner growth and inner healing. 

However, as Christopher Willard, PsyD reminds us, “Self-compassion helps us to be okay with the fact that growth and healing happen on different timelines.” Therefore, we will need to grow a new perspective on how to live and lead. We also will need to heal from the tyranny of past choices and experiences. 

Associate professor in the University of Texas at Austin’s department of educational psychology and pioneer in the study of self-compassion, Kristin Neff, Ph.D. wrote, “We can’t heal what we can’t feel.”  So, part of the work requires us to reclaim our EQ, not just expand our IQ. This will involve having a greater depth of emotional literacy. For that, I always recommend reading the following book: Brown, Brene’, Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience (Random House, 2021). As Brown notes, “Without understanding how our feelings, thoughts, and behaviors work together, it’s almost impossible to find our way back to ourselves and each other. When we don’t understand how our emotions shape our thoughts and decisions, we become disembodied from our own experiences and disconnected from each other.”

At the same time, I am reminded of something related to growing and healing that  Christopher Willard, PsyD. explained: “A full life is both/and, not either/or, and too often we assume things are one way or another, when they are in fact multifaceted, multi-determined, and complex. To paraphrase ideas that make the rounds online: You can be grateful and still need more for yourself. You can be resilient and still need rest. You can be fiercely independent and still need and want others. You can be certain and still change your mind. You can be caring and compassionate toward yourself without feeling guilty. You can be kind and generous and still say no and set boundaries, knowing that sometimes saying no itself is an act of generosity. You can have done your best in the past, yet since that time, you might have learned new ways of doing things. Finally, other people may have problems and pain, but yours still matter. You can be courageous and still be scared of doing something - yet you can do it anyway.” The practice of self-compassion may be scary and hard, but with courage and a healthy network of support people we can move forward through the difficulties before us and find a new way of living and leading. 

Role Model Radical Respect

Working our way through an inner trough of chaos can be wildly disorienting. We will often feel unrooted and off center. We can even feel lost. At times like this, I suggest we embrace and role model radical respect. 

The poet Mark Nepo in his book, Surviving Storms: Finding The Strength To Meet Adversity (St. Martin’s Essentials, 2022) explains the concept of radical respect: “People who are considered radical are typically associated with advocating complete social or political change. Yet, often, what is first seen as radical is, in time, considered foundational. This brings us to the original sense of the word radical, which has a deeper and more compelling notion that comes from the Latin radicalis, meaning “inherent, forming the root. In the plant world, radical means “return to the root.” And the word respect means “to look again.” A radical respect, therefore, means “to return with open eyes to the root of things.” In its deepest sense, to be radical is not veering sharply from the norm but pursuing and returning to the intrinsic nature of things. This speaks to something very essential to being alive.”

When we embrace and role model radical respect, we are stripping away the clutter of life and returning to those core elements that make life meaningful and essential. It is from this rebuilt foundation that we reclaim and/or discover a new sense of hope. 

As Brene’ Brown in the aforementioned book writes “We need hope like we need air. To live without hope is to risk suffocating on hopelessness and despair, risk being crushed by the belief that there is no way out of what is holding us back, no way to get to what we desperately need.” Brown continues: “We experience hope when: 1. We have the ability to set realistic goals (I know where I want to go). 2. We are able to figure out how to achieve this goals, including the ability to stay flexible and develop alternative pathways (I know how to get there, I’m persistent, and I can tolerate disappointment, and try new paths again and again). 3. We have agency - we believe in ourselves (I can do this!).” 

From my perspective, all three of these elements transform the normal difficulties found in the inner trough of chaos. But the gateway to hope begins with embracing and role model radical respect, namely to stay in touch with the root of our humanity. When we choose to return to the root, we discover again that hope, purpose, and self-compassion are interconnected. We also discover that we are not alone in our journey through the inner trough of chaos. Instead, we find a community of people in the midst of the chaos who can offer support, stability, and connection. They stand with us and stand by us in the midst of our struggles. They hold us up and remind us that “this too shall pass.”

Find the Inner Teacher

“Much of our anxiety and inner turmoil comes from living in a global culture whose values drive us from the essence of what matters,” writes the poet Mark Nepo. “At the heart of this is the conflict between the outer definition of success and the inner value of peace.” This conflict is at the heart and soul of the inner trough of chaos. We are caught between what we must do to make make organizational change happen, and our inner desire to find peace and clarity through the process. 

The pathway to resolving this inner conflict begins when we engage our meta-awareness so we can more fully understand what is happening. Next, we need to expand our support network, and define clear boundaries. We also need to practice more self-compassion, and role model radical respect. The convergence of these five choices creates a framework for resolution and reconstruction of a life based on the essence of what mattes most. 

American author and educator, Parker Palmer reminds us that as we do this level of inner work we will discover something very important. As he explains, “Each of us has an inner teacher, a voice of truth, that offers the guidance and power we need to deal with our problems.” By doing this in-depth, inner work, we can open ourselves up to a voice of truth, perspective, love, and support that can help us move forward through the trough of chaos, and guide us to a meaningful and fulfilling life. 

© Geery Howe 2025

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change

Accept Both The Constant And The Change

Current events are volatile. Complexity abounds. People at work and at home are pendulum swinging from fear to hope, and then back to fear, all due to the numerous chaotic situations that are happening around them. 

As a result many people, who are new to leadership and management positions, are feeling isolated and disconnected from their own clarity. This is happening internally at the personal level and externally with their core team. They also are feeling stressed and overwhelmed by all that needs to get done, all that needs to be communicated, and all that needs to be prioritized. Even experienced leaders are struggling with how to update strategy, goals, and systems given the continuous adaptive challenges that are surfacing on a daily and weekly basis. In short, everyone is worried and stretched.

Because of all of this, I am regularly getting asked one question: “What am I supposed to do given these crazy times?”

And my response is clear and concise: “You have to accept both the constant and the change.”

Now, on the surface, this seems elementary. But we all know that when something appears simple, it is never simple or easy. Instead, it requires us to return to the ground level truths about people and change. 

Work With What You Have

The first ground level truth is that we have to work with what we are given. While we may hope for things to be different, they are not different. While we may hope that people, structure, systems, and culture are in full alignment, they are not. While we may hope for a common mindset about how to live the mission and values on a daily basis, most days they are not being fully utilized. as a framework for decision-making and customer service. In short, our hope for things to be better or different is not generating the results we want. So, rather than hoping for change, we instead have to maintain the constants and, at the exact same time, create the changes we wish to see in ourselves and the company. 

This begins with taking stock of what we have. We need to carefully assess what is, and is not working. We need to find out where things are going right and where things are perpetually going wrong. We also have to figure out what is, and what is not in alignment with the desired outcomes that we seek to create. This level of diagnostic work needs to be the precursor to building a plan. It is the degree to which we pause, reflect, and consider what is actually taking place that will, in the end, determine what kind of technical and adaptive solutions need to be put in place in order to get back on track and moving in the right direction. 

We begin this level of diagnostics work in two different areas. First, we need to take stock of what is going on within these four specifics elements, namely people, structure as in who reports to whom and how the company communicates, and executes it’s goals, plus systems, and culture. Each of these four elements can be explored at the operational level or the strategic level. The key is that they are explored thoughtfully and carefully. 

The second area we need to take stock in is whether or not there is a clear understanding of the answer to the following three questions: What do we want to be know for by our customers? What do we want to be know for by our employees? What do we want to be know for within the communities where we serve? To find the answers to these three questions, a leader needs to go to each of these three groups, i.e. customers, employees, and community, and engage in deep listening. We need to follow Stephen Covey’s advice from years ago and “seek first to understand; second to be understood.”

Once all of this information has been gathered and processed, then a plan can be created which starts from a place of reality rather than a place of hoping for change to take place. While starting with what we have may be difficult and challenging, leaders at all levels, who are successful over time, always work with what they are given, and build from this foundation. 

The Importance Of Belonging 

The second ground level truth is that everyone hopes for, and desires to belong to something that is making a difference. This simple fact seems to be often lost in the rush to get things done, and to maintain some semblance of order and predictability in the day to day operational level of the company. However, with the binary mindset of getting things done vs. things not getting done, many leaders and managers do not grasp the importance of belonging. They do not comprehend the importance of people wanting to feel connected with others and to know that their job matters. In essence, people want to feel like they are making a difference at work and in the world at large. 

As management consultant, educator and author Peter Drucker wrote, “Knowing where one belongs can transform an ordinary person - hard working but otherwise mediocre - into an outstanding performer.” Brene’ Brown in her book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead (Avery, 2012), builds on this perspective when she wrote: “Connection is why we’re here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering.” Belonging and connection are mission critical to creating success over time. Maintaining it over the long haul is just as important, too. 

Yet, so few leaders and managers have a team development plan that strengthens trust, connections, and the feeling of belonging. Furthermore, so few leaders and managers grasp that people join a team for very specific reasons, namely to have a place where they feel safe and cared for, to feel like they are part of a group that recognizes and values the differences and strengths of each member, and to be able to create significant achievements that would not be possible at an individual level. 

Many times over the course of my career, I heard the phrases, “These are my people” or “This is my work family”. The depth of these relationships, based on a common identity and common understanding, creates capacity and becomes a force multiplier as all involved confront technical problems or adaptive challenges. In short, when people feel like they belong and are making a positive difference, it creates clarity of purpose. It also gives people hope, and strengthens their resolve to work through the difficulties, be they large or small. 

Broken Open Vs Being Just Broken

The third ground level truth is that there is a major difference between being broken open vs being just broken. Poet Mark Nepo writes: “When broken open, we grow. When just broken, we endure. And the crucial call of all relationship is to inhabit what we learn from being broken open to help us endure the times we are just broken.” 

Leadership is hard work. There will be days when we will be stretched to the limit, and there will be days when we will go flying past the proverbial limit into uncharted waters. There also will be days when all we can do is endure. And there will be days when we are broken open by the process. The first key is to discern the difference between the two forms of being broken.

The second key is to know what to do when one is feeling broken. Initially, we must understand that this is not something that can be fixed by controlling everything and everyone around you. There is no one-two-three step process that will put things back to normal. Instead, when we are feeling broken, there needs to be a healing more than a cure. As Nepo continues, “… what opens us is never as important as what is opened.” This is true, because in the opening, we have the opportunity to deconstruct and reconstruct how we approach life and work. 

This in-depth healing process of deconstruction and reconstruction takes time, patience, support, and reflection. While it may be difficult as we move from what was to what will be, we must put one thing in place in order to be successful. Executive coach Lindsay Leahy in her book, Take It All Apart: How to Live, Lead, and Work with Intention (River Grove Books, 2024), writes about how we need to identify people who we “respect and trust, and listen to their voices more than the voices of others” as we begin this work. These connections will help us “take in and internalize the positive feedback as much as or more than the negative.” This means building or rebuilding our network of people who will support us, and then allowing ourselves to be supported as we do the work. As Leahy continues, “Allowing yourself to be transformed, to become different, to surrender, and to accept a new reality is going to take real commitment.” With a strong support network, we can make this level of commitment and sustain this level of commitment through the whole process. We also need to show ourselves some grace and be disciplined as we do this deep internal work. This in combination with some tenderness and self-compassion makes a huge difference. 

The Quiet Wavelength Of Wisdom

Renowned philosopher, educator, and Tai Ji master, Chungliang Al Huang understands this perspective and points out that “there are no beginnings and no endings. The universe is process and the process is in me.” It is in the inner process of accepting both the constants and the changes that we open up to a new perspective. “Finding the universal in the personal, and the personal in the universal,” writes author Ryan Holiday, “is not only the secret to art and leadership and even entrepreneurship, it is the secret to centering oneself. It both turns down the volume of noise in the world and tunes one in to the quiet wavelength of wisdom that sages and philosophers have long been on.”

In these times of unpredictable difficulty, we need to be careful and not overreact to all that is happening. We need to work with what we have and remember the importance of belonging. We also need to comprehend the difference between being broken and being broken open. Then, as we remember all three of these things, we will achieve a new level of congruence in our life. In short, we will come to better understand, and then tune into the quiet wavelength of wisdom that has guided sages and philosophers over the centuries. 

© Geery Howe 2025

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change

The Missing Puzzle Pieces - part #2

The Power of Co-learning

Third, they experience the power of co-learning. During the mid-90’s, I encountered a health problem that was troubling. Having seen local specialists with minimal success, I decided to go to an out of state, holistic health clinic that was highly recommended to meby others. I learned that people came from all over the world to this clinic to find answers to complex health problems. So, my wife and I went to meet with the founder of the clinic, to ask for help, and hopefully to find some workable solutions. 

During the day that I spent at the clinic, and during the subsequent review of the extensive testing that was done, we did discover multiple problems and multiple solutions. All of which made a difference over time. But most important, I found a healthcare professional and healthcare team that started their work from a most unique place. 

As they explained to me before I meet with the doctor, the people at the clinic do not define the work they do as a doctor-patient relationship. Instead, they frame up the process as a co-learner experience. The doctor has to learn about me, my lifestyle choices, and my overall health record. At the same time, I need to learn from the doctor about what he was discovering about my health challenge as well as learn about how my body works when dealing with this health challenge. 

In basic terms, I engaged with them in a continuous learning cycle. But at the foundation of this whole process was something quite powerful, namely deep listening. My doctor and I had to do some deep listening with each other. And we needed to do some deep listening with my body. In particular, I needed to learn how to listen to the triggers that would make my health condition worse, and to listen to my body when it was on the right track to being stable and healthy. This level of deep listening is something I am still doing today. 

While my overall health improved dramatically, I also learned how to live with my chronic health condition. I learned how to manage it and how to live with it. As I have gotten older, it is still there, but now I do not see it as a problem as much as just how I am wired and how my body copes with life’s normal stresses and not so normal stressful periods. 

Decades later now, I am still intrigued by this concept of being a co-learner, and find deep listening to be a most helpful perspective when I am coaching others. I am there to learn from them, and when I appropriate, they are there to learn from me. Together, we are co-learning through the challenge before us. 

The Importance of Mutuality

Fourth, they come to appreciate the importance of mutuality. This is a big word, and it has many levels of definition. In the beginning, it is defined as “the sharing of a feeling between two or more people.” But when we dig deeper into this definition, we realize that mutuality means there is an interactive relationship based on a healthy level of respect and sharing. It is not a one-sided relationship, but a constantly evolving relationship.There also is a recognition of the important role feelings play within the sharing that takes place, and an understanding of what is motivating and/or creating them. 

From my perspective, for a true depth of mutuality to occur, the previous three elements need to be in place, namely people doing deep inner work, the creation of safe and open space, and the power of co-learning generated from deep listening. When this convergence happens, then mutuality is experienced. 

However, there is an element to mutuality that needs further exploration. As this connection is built through sharing, and as deep listening occurs, all involved will come to understand that our felt experiences and our lived experiences are not the same thing. Our felt experiences reflect feeling felt and/or feeling seen. It happens when empathy is paired with acceptance, understanding, and respect. 

On the other hand, the sharing of our lived experiences generates knowledge gained from choices made and the resulting experiences that took place rather than through assumptions, research, media, or comments made by others. When mutuality arises, all involved have patience to recognize that our felt experiences are just as important as our lived experiences. Both are a source of knowledge and both guide us in our life journey. 

The One Burning Question

Our lives are made up of many puzzle pieces. And every day we are trying to figure out how to fit them together. We must take responsibility for this level of work, and not defer our choices to other people’s whims or expectations. As part of this important process, we must intentionally seek rest and re-creation, regeneration and rebirth, all while discovering and rediscovering our life’s purpose. The knowledge gained about ourselves while doing this level of work will make a significant difference in our life at home and at work. And it will change the expectations that we hold for ourselves and for others. 

Because in the end, it is easy to loose perspective about life. “It is so easy to take for granted that tomorrow will come, that another opportunity will be given to bear witness to a sunset, take a walk in the forest, listen in awe to the birds, or share a moment of connection with the one in front of us,” writes Matt Licata, PhD, in his book, A Healing Space: Befriending Ourselves in difficult times (Sounds True, 2020). “But another part knows how fragile it truly is here, how tenuous, and the reality that this opening into life will not be here much longer.” As he continues, “At the end of this life - which is sure to come much sooner than we think - it its unlikely we’ll be caught up in whether we accomplished all the tasks on our to-do lists, played it safe, healed all the wounds from our past, wrapped up our self-improvement project, or completed some mythical spiritual journey.” 

Licata notes that in the end there is “only one burning question: How well did I love?” For me, this is the missing puzzle piece. No matter what is the challenge before us, are we willing to risk loving and being loved in the midst of our life journey? 

The answer must always reflect the clarity that every experience we have shapes us into who we will eventually become. And every experience we have creates an opportunity to love, to listen thoughtfully, and to show compassion and grace to all we meet, including ourselves. For while the puzzle of life may be complex, the choice to love and be loved is quite simple. It all begins with me pouring the puzzle pieces of my life onto the metaphorical card table and slowly putting the pieces together. Over time, the different pieces will interlock with each other, and the resulting picture that emerges is one that is beautiful, whole and complete. Then, the miracle of life appears before us and we are blessed beyond measure to experience it each and every day. 

© Geery Howe 2025

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change