On Becoming A Better Person

Many years ago, Kevin Cashman in his book, Leadership From The Inside Out: Becoming a Leader for Life (Berrett-Koehler, 2008), wrote, “our ability to grow as a leader is based on our ability to grow as a person.”  He continued this line of thought and pointed out that “we lead from who we are - the leader and the person are one…. as the person grows, the leader grows.” I have pondered this insight for a long time, and I agree with him. If you want to become a better leader, you must first become a better person. 

Therefore, as we move farther and farther into 2025, we need to take greater responsibility for our development as people. I believe this development work falls into four areas. First, we must deepen our clarity. Second, we must strengthen our connections. Third, we must broaden our community. Fourth, we must prioritize our commitments. The sum of these four choices will have a profound impact on us as individuals this year and for many years to come. The key is to engage in them, not as a linear action plan, but as a collective choice over time. Then, the results will be synergistic and be cumulative over the course of this year. 

Deepen Our Clarity

In September of 2018, I heard Father Gregory Boyle speak to a large group of people in Des Moines, Iowa. Father Gregory Boyle is the founder and director of Homeboy Industries, the largest gang-intervention, rehabilitation, and re-entry program in the world, and was a recipient of the Presidential Medal of Freedom in 2024. He also is the author of numerous books. 

Father Gregory Boyle believes that “gang violence is about a lethal absence of hope.” He explained to those who gathered that we must recognize that “we belong to each other,” and that “kinship is our goal.” Therefore, we need “to seek kinship underneath” the trauma people have experienced, because “that is what God does.” Underneath the violence and absence of hope, “we need to engage with our own wounds and we need to stand with the wounded.” Recognizing the impact of chronic and toxic stress and a life impacted and defined by trauma, we need to create and maintain “a community of tenderness.”

As I reflected on what he shared that day and how deeply I was moved by his sincerity and clarity, I asked myself two important questions: What do I believe? And how do I role model what I believe? I haven’t come up with a clear and concise description, all wrapped up in a perfect package with a neat little bow. Instead, I have come to understand that my beliefs and perspective on life, including my own self definition, need to be a process of on-going creation. As the poet Mark Nope wrote, “While struggling with the pain of change, it is often impossible to see the new self we are becoming.” And my goal in this new year is to continue becoming my best self, not my perfect self. I seek to be my best self, living my best life. This will be a process of on-going creation and worth the effort every step of the way. 

Strengthen Our Connections

As I engage in this on-going creation and clarity process, I think about something that clinically and spiritually trained, psychotherapist-turned-leadership coach, Karen Joy Hardwick wrote: “We cannot connect with anyone in sustainable, healthy ways unless we connect with ourselves in meaningful, honest ways.” This is such an important truth as we move into this new year. 

I believe that sustainable and healthy connections reflect a trinity of choices. First, I must learn how to connect with my inner life. Second, I must learn how to connect with friends, family of origin when possible, and with my family of choice. Third, I must learn how to connect with that which is greater than my self, i.e. God, the Divine, the Great Mystery, the Transcendent Unknown, or by what ever name you choose to call it. 

But the challenge of these three connections is that when we enter into this trinity of choices, we often have very high expectations. And then we find ourselves deeply hurt and sadden when these expectations are not met. Brene’ Brown reminds us that “Disappointment is unmet expectations, and the more significant the expectations, the more significant the disappointment.” Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D. notes, “We are in relationship with our expectations and not with life itself.” And Stephen Covey wrote years ago, “Frustration in life comes as a result of unmet expectations.” And there we are, disappointed and frustrated, hoping for a connection that will meet our needs. 

Yet recognizing this challenge, I am remind of something Angeles Arrien, Ph.D. shared: “Be open to outcome, not attached to outcome. Openness and non attachment help us recover the human resources of wisdom and objectivity.” And, for me, this is the turning point as I strengthen my three levels of connection, I need to be open to outcomes, not attached to or defined by them. I also need to not control these connections, but, instead, to invest time and energy into all three of these choices. As a wise person shared with me many decades ago, “what you feed, grows.” This year, I need to strengthen these connection and celebrate the outcomes that will happen over time. 

Broaden Our Community

Patrick Lencioni in his book, The Four Obsessions of an Extraordinary Executive (Jossey-Bass, 2000), wrote about four disciplines to create a successful organization that is smart, i.e. “developing strategies that lead to competitive advantage over rivals,” and healthy, i.e. “eliminating politics and confusion.”  Those four disciplines are the following: build and maintain a cohesive leadership team, create organizational clarity, over-communicate organizational clarity, and reinforce organizational clarity through human systems. 

Having read this book many times, and discussed it with many different leaders, I am always intrigued by his choice to create a cohesive team before creating organizational clarity. Lencioni notes that a cohesive team builds trust, eliminates politics, and increases efficiency. After much reflection, I have come to agree with this choice, especially when we choose to become a better person. 

First, when we have a strong community of people with whom we trust and can feel safe, then we can explore new ideas and perspectives about ourselves, our lives, and our choices to date. Recognizing that we do not think our way into becoming a better person, but actually live our way into this commitment, having a group of people who gather regularly to share, support, listen, and be open to each other at a heart to heart level, not just a thinking and sharing level, is a transformational platform. 

But the key is to continually broaden our community and to grow our community. As Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D. reminds us, “Among us the habit of competition and individualism is so ingrained that we seem to have forgotten one of the basic laws of survival: Strength lies in community. But not every culture is as alienated as our own, and, in some, connection and service are simply a way of life.” This choice to build a community of connection and service, love and support, honesty and commitment takes time, but the investment becomes a force multiplier in our journey to becoming a better and more grounded person. 

Prioritize Our Commitments

Years ago, a team and I were sitting around a conference table with the CEO when he asked me the most unusual question: “Geery, are you in like a pig or a chicken?” 

I just looked at him with the most puzzled expression on my face. “I’m sorry,” I replied. “I don’t understand the question. What are you asking me?”

“I am talking about your level of commitment to the team and the process. When a chicken commits, it lays an egg. When a pig commits, it becomes bacon. So, are you a chicken or a pig?”

I pondered this question for a moment before responding. Then, I said, “This is an interesting question and it is the wrong framework for me. The chicken is focused on detached production. The pig’s commitment results in death. I don’t believe that detached production or death is the rallying cry for healthy commitment. I think we need to talk about what is and what does a healthy commitment look like.” And then, the team had a long, in-depth, and productive discussion about what is a healthy commitment.

Many years ago, a mentor of mine told me to watch out for the paradox of success, i.e. where you win at work and lose at home and in life. It was one of those internal light bulbs moments for me, because I was on the cusp of winning at work and losing at home and life. I then had to sit down with myself and determine what is success, and what am I really committed to in the long term. And what I realized was that my life was out of alignment. I had prioritized work over family and yet was deeply committed to my family. It took a great deal of soul searching and reprioritization to get back into alignment. Because what I came to understand was that a healthy commitment is a holistic commitment, where one does not need to sacrifice mind, body, heart, spirit or family in order to be successful. In short, I had to rethink what it meant to be a better person, and that began by prioritizing my commitments. 

A Personal Transformation

“Leaders are formed in leading,” writes Tod Bolsinger. “Leadership formation is a hard and humbling, repetitive process of personal transformation.” And this in-depth process begins when we have the courage to work in four specific areas. First, we must deepen our clarity. Second, we must strengthen our connections. Third, we must broaden our community. Fourth, we must prioritize our commitments. The sum of these actions over time makes a profound difference. 

Still, we must remember the wisdom that the late Irish poet, author, and priest John O’Donohue shared with us many years ago: “Every human person is inevitably involved in two worlds: the world they carry within them and the world that is out there.” The choice to become a better person and the resulting transformation happens on both levels, the internal and the external. The key is to recognize that one is working at both levels and that the work requires persistence, discipline, and patience over time. 

From my experience, this happens best when we have engaged our allies, confidants, coaches, and mentors to help support and guide us when necessary. The strength of this network helps us to generate a variety of short term successes which will ultimately lead to positive forward momentum and personal transformation. As Max De Pree reminds us, “In the end, it is important to remember that we cannot become what we need to be by remaining where we are.” Self-change and self-growth are interconnected. They are the beginning of personal transformation. 

© Geery Howe 2025

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change

Today, Somewhere In America

Today, somewhere in America, a farmer is getting up early to milk his cows. He hopes he can keep the farm long enough to pass it on to the next generation.

Today, somewhere in America, a single mom with young kids is working two jobs. She hopes that this month’s bills are not greater than this month’s income. 

Today, somewhere in America, a parent is preparing themselves for the reality of their son or daughter getting deployed overseas. They hope they will come home safe and sound. 

Today, somewhere in America, a family with teenagers is struggling with how to create healthy limits around technology. These parents hope that communication with their emerging adults does not break down in the process.  

Today, somewhere in America, a daughter of aging parents is struggling to figure how tell to tell her parents they should no longer drive. She hopes they understand that her communication about this issue comes from love, not judgement. 

Today, somewhere in America, a mother and father have lost their child to drugs and alcohol. They hope they are doing enough to help, but aren’t sure in the long run. 

Today, somewhere in America, numerous people are waking up to this new day worried, overwhelmed, and feeling broken. All they see is limitations. All they see are challenges. All they see are problems. 

Still, they hope things will get better. They pray that things will get better. They carry in their hearts the dream that things will get better. 

And so they get up in the morning, and carry forth. They move forward with faith, persistence, and integrity. They believe that maybe today is the day when hope will become a reality, when a new beginning will start, when the dream of a more holistic and healthy life for them and the ones they love will happen. 

The poet Mark Nepo grasped the magnitude of this situation and offered us a unique perspective. As he wrote, “Despite all our limitations, the most crucial challenge of being human is to show up like a rose.” 

This quote speaks to me as I start this new year. I want to do more than just show up. I want to show up like a rose. 

I want my inner beauty and dignity to be seen, not judged. I want the voice of my self-worth to be stronger than the voice of my self-critic. I want my inner light and inner strength to shine in the midst of my greatest fears and challenges. I want to see the miracles in each new day, and to experience the sacred within the ordinary. And I want to see the world anew. 

Because today, somewhere in America, a new born is welcomed into the world and a family is celebrating. 

Because today, somewhere in America, a loved one has passed to the other side, and a family is grieving and celebrating a life well lived and a life no longer in pain. 

Because today, somewhere in America, someone has offered a kind and loving hand of support to another person, and changed their day and their life. 

Because today, somewhere in America, someone is grateful to be alive one more day, and to have one more chance to be with their loved ones. 

Because today, somewhere in America, a new day has begun and people are showing up with grit and gratitude in spite of the challenges before them. They are showing up like roses.

As Anais Nin reminds us, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

Today, we rise, and we blossom. 

Today, we choose to make the world a better place, one connection at a time. 

Today, we are in awe by all the beauty and grace that surrounds us. 

Today, we are a rose that blooms.

Today, we remember that new beginnings are always possible. 

© Geery Howe 2025

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change

See More Than The Saint’s Pockets

As we move day by day through this holiday season, I am reminded of the following old saying from India: “When a pickpocket meets a saint, all he sees are the saint’s pockets.”

It seems to me that during this current holiday season, there are many days when we just focus on the saint’s pockets. We are surrounded by external sounds and sights. Everything is a blaze of colors and wrapping paper, parties and baking, shopping and gift giving. 

But in the end, are focused on the pockets or the person?

For me, this time of year is all about connections, internal and external. It is a celebration of hope and renewal, love and kindness, compassion and grace, blessings and miracles. 

It is a time when we let go of the dualistic thinking of either/or, and instead embrace the larger understanding of both/and. Here, we find the Real Presence, where the transformation that is hoped for is also experienced. 

I love the lights, the celebrations, the gifts, and the food. I love the coming together of friends and family. But most of all I enjoy the moments when the peace of this season fills the house and the people within it. I also enjoy how the music of the season fills our hearts. When all of this happens, I can see more than just the pockets. I see the whole thing, and know the heart and soul of this special time period. 

As we enter this last full week of 2024, I wish you and your family many blessings, and special connections. I hope you find this time period a transformational experience. I look forward to connecting with you in the New Year!

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change

Clarifying Expectations

Marcus Buckingham and Curt Coffman in their seminal work, First, Break All The Rules: What The World’s Greatest Managers Do Differently. (Simon & Schuster, 1999), write that “Talented employees need great managers. How long he stays and how productive he is while he is there is determined by his relationship with his immediate supervisor.” They continue by pointing out that “the only way to generate enduring profits is to begin by building the kind of work environment that attracts, focuses, and keeps talented employees.” 

In order to create the aforementioned environment, Buckingham and Coffman came up with 12 questions, which are often called the Q12. Today, I want to focus on the first question: “Do I know what is expected of me?” While many leaders and managers need to answer this for themselves, they also need to check whether or not their direct reports are clear about their expectations of them.

Over the course of the last six months, numerous people have visited with me about this subject. Most start with clarifying expectations for their direct reports, and then are wondering if they are having communication issues when they are not met. And to a degree that might be true. However, I believe the problem is that most leaders and managers do not grasp the framework related to setting expectations. 

In the beginning, Buckingham and Coffman define a manager’s key activities as the following: “select a person, set expectations, motivate the person, develop the person.” Thus, after the hiring process has been completed, most leaders and managers go straight to the expectations clarification process. 

However, we need to zoom out before we zoom into this step. Buckingham and Coffman make two key points that impact the clarifying of expectations that most people skipped over in their rush to communicate their expectations. First, “healthy companies need strong bonds to develop between each manager and each employee.” The goal of clarifying expectations is to strengthen the bond between the manager and the employee, not to control the employee or to set them up for failure. 

Second, as they note, “a company should not force every manager to manage his people in exactly the same way. Each manager will, and should, employ his own style.” I think the challenge here is that very few, if any, managers are clear about “their own style.” They didn’t do this level of work and thus their engagement process with employees is wishy-washy at best. 

Once we grasp these two key points, it is time to look at the aforementioned key activities. Clarifying expectations is part of a larger framework. And if you do not grasp the framework, then the singular action of clarifying expectations can be problematic. 

In the book, First, Break All The Rules, the authors expand this framework in greater detail. As they write, “select for talent... Not simply experience, intelligence, or determination; define the right outcomes ... Not the right steps;  focus on strengths ... Not on weaknesses; find the right fit ... Not the next rung on the ladder.”

The critical element in my coaching people on this subject is to not start by clarifying expectations, but to instead focus on defining on the “right outcomes.” As Brene Brown in her book, Dare To Lead: Brave Work, Tough Conversations, Whole Hearts (Random House, 2018), writes, “What does done look like?” I would modify this excellent question to “What do the right outcomes look like when people are successful?” Often what happens in this discussion is that there is not a line of sight from the expectations that have been clarified to the right outcomes that people are held accountable for over time. 

Finally, Buckingham and Coffman offer one more nugget of gold in their book, namely “People don’t change that much. Don’t waste time trying to put in what was left out. Try to draw out what was left in. That is hard enough.” This is a philosophical framework to the whole performance and expectations framework. Even if you can create alignment between expectations and outcomes, one must ultimately develop the person and build on their strengths. 

This week, reflect on the above perspective, and consider rereading this book as you prepare for 2025. There is always more to learn and relearn when it comes to helping people be more successful. 

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change

Stressed and Overwhelmed

We were visiting by phone one afternoon when he shared with me that he was deeply frustrated. People were coming at him with decisions needing to be made from all corners of the organizations. Some were large and others were quite small. Every one of these decisions took time to make and time to implement. 

Furthermore, his team was not as cohesive as he wanted them to be. The trust was good some days and not so good others days. In particular, he was impatient with execution at the team level and with the pace of change happening throughout the company. In short, he was just worn out and feeling overwhelmed. 

As he continued to share, I was reminded of something Brene Brown explained in her book, Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience (Random House, 2021). As she wrote, “… human emotions and experiences are layers of biology, biography, behavior, and backstory.” Recognizing this framework, she continues, “We feel stressed when we evaluate environmental demands as beyond our ability to cope successfully. This includes elements of unpredictability, uncontrollability, and feeling overloaded.” As she notes, “Stressful situations cause both physiological (body) and psychological (mind and emotion) reactions.” On the other hand, “Overwhelmed means an extreme level of stress, an emotional and/or cognitive intensity to the point of feeling unable to function…. Feeling stressed and feeling overwhelmed seem to be related to our perception of how we are coping with our current situation and our ability to handle the accompanying emotions.” Jon Kabat-Zinn describes overwhelmed as the all-too-common feeling “that our lives are somehow unfolding faster than the nervous system and psyche are able to manage well.”

For me, the combination of being stressed and overwhelmed is very difficult. I know this on a personal level and on a professional level. I also know this place as an executive coach, having worked with various leaders over numerous decades. I know that the one-two punch of being stressed and overwhelmed is connected to our “biology, biography, behavior, and backstory.” And each part of this can be explored, unpacked, and examined over time. But in the beginning, when we are caught in the middle of it all, it is hard to know where to begin, and what to do. Therefore, I always recommend three choices during this challenging combination. 

First, we need to stay open to new ideas and perspectives. Eckhart Tolle explains what happens to us when we are stressed and overwhelmed. As he writes, “The human condition: lost in thought.” And that is what happens. We are lost in our thoughts and our thinking. The overload happens at the cognitive level and at the physical level. 

But in the world of leadership, we see it most in the cognitive level. As he continues, “Most people spend their entire life imprisoned within the confines of their own thoughts. They never go beyond a narrow, mind-made, personalized sense of self that is conditioned by the past.” And when events and decisions are unfolding faster than our cognitive system can manage, then we default to past decisions and choices. We are not open to new ideas and perspective. We even default to a sense of self that questions our capacity to lead and even our definition of self. 

To truly remain open to new ideas and perspectives, I believe we need to go deep rather than assume we are always right. The pathway to this choice begins when we grasp that the stewardship of stillness creates the resilience of stillness. When we choose to make regular time for inner stillness, namely the reduction of our inner noise through reflection and contemplation, we create resiliency and the capacity to function again in the midst of extreme stress and the constant barrage of incoming information and decisions. As Eckhart Tolle reminds us, “When you lose touch with inner stillness, you lose touch with yourself. When you lose touch with yourself, you lose yourself in the world.” And loosing yourself in the world is exactly what happens when we are stressed and overwhelmed. 

Second, we need to keep our heart open. It is too easy to shut down emotionally and socially when we are stressed and overwhelmed. The desire to go into the metaphorical cave and roll the rock across the doorway is a common choice. Yet, if we seek to keep our hearts open, we need to understand two things. First, we can not get through being stressed and overwhelmed without the support and assistance of others. And we need to appreciate and value these relationships if we seek to get to the other side of this challenging combination. Second, we need to show ourselves some grace and self-compassion. As Christopher Willard, PsyD reminds us, “Self-compassion helps us to be okay with the fact that growth and healing happen on different timelines.” And this is critical to keeping an open heart. 

Third, we need to re-discover the sacred in the ordinary. “There are two ways to live your life,” writes Albert Einstein. “One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” When we seek to get past being stress and overwhelmed, we must re-discover that many miracles are happening all around us and that the outcomes are always transcendent and restorative. 

To live a life where we understand that “everything is a miracle,” we must recognize two things. First, we need to recognize that the opportunity to get older is a gift denied to many people. And that aging always comes with large and small challenges. Second, we need to recognize that as we age, we have the opportunity to mentor those younger and to share the lessons learned from our life’s most challenging experiences. The combination of these two insights provides a framework for recognizing that miracles are all around us. We just have to connect with them and value their gifts. As the poet Mark Nepo reminds us, “Creation is ongoing. The world begins anew each day. This is the miracle that makes not a sound, but which changes everything, if we can. Be quiet enough to feel it happen. When we can participate in this, we gain anew each day.” 

So when we are stressed and overwhelmed, we need to stay open to new ideas and perspectives, keep our heart open, and re-discover the sacred in the ordinary. And the best way to do these three things on a regular basis is to follow the advice of the late Irish poet, author and priest, John O’Donohue. As he wrote, “… the deepest things we have inherited have come down to us across the bridges of meaningful conversations.” And this is where we begin again and again. Through the bridge of meaningful conversations, we remember that creation is ongoing and the world begins anew each day. This is happening within us and all around us. We have just to remember and take it all to heart. 

© Geery Howe 2024

Geery Howe, M.A. Executive Coach in Leadership, Strategic Planning, and Organizational Change